Partner finds it normal to shop for lingerie with female ex and see eachother in it to make sure it fits?

[holymoly76]

My partner's best friends with her two most significant and recent ex's. Ex's (22f & 20m) are in a relationship with each other. The female ex was a 6 month relationship a year before we met, the male one was a couple months and just before or after the female one. She has known the female ex for roughly 8 years.  The three of them can be touchy and make a lot of of jokingly flirty and sexual comments. I'm anxious and working on it, so I try to suck it up and adjust my standards, it's going well and I've grown much more comfortable with the whole situation. So I'm aware my views can sometimes need nuancing.

However, yesterday she mentioned going lingerie shopping with her female friend/ex, it suddenly dawned on me that my partner said it's normal to try on lingerie and have each other check if its nice/fits properly. I couldn't care less if my partner went and tried on some lingerie and had another female (friend) check if it fits and the other way around, but a friend/ex is different to me. When I asked how they go about shopping, she said the female friend/ex is shy and that once, they did share a booth and tried on stuff (back to back, but there's still a giant mirror), because the ex is too shy to ask an employee to check how it fits. 
I'm very uncomfortable with this idea, and I told her so.

In my opinion there's no need for ex's or people who had/have feelings to see one another in lingerie, especially when an employee, their current partner or another friend could fill the role and the other partner is uncomfortable with it. She could buy it and try it on at home and get checked by family as well. My partner defended saying it's not the standard and there's no lust on her side, that the other bf was fine with it. But it's not the frequency or a potential lust that's the problem to me, it's that you'd allow yourself to be in that situation with an ex when you know your partner is uncomfortable with it, especially if there are other ways to fix the issue. I'm not the other ex/bf, our views and standards aren't necessarily the same. F.e. he's fine with if the two girls were to kiss, I'm most certainly not.

I'm confused as to why she so strongly wanted to defend doing this with her friend/ex, when she doesn't have to and is purposely choosing to make me the uncomfortable one. If it only happened once, why can't I ask not to let it happen again? She started crying, because she felt so bad she can't fulfill this role her friend's giving her, I don't understand how this is such an enormous blow to her being a trustworthy best friend? I was gonna surprise her that day after work, she lives 2 hours away and I happened to be in town, but she told me she didn't wanna see me and doesn't even speak to me now? If her ex has some very serious trauma with this, I'd understand but that isn't the case, if somehow I don't know about trauma, she could  tell me without going into any detail, and we could try looking for a more fitting solution. Why was my boundary of (to say it bluntly) 'no lingerie shows while shopping with your ex' such a shock to her? Am I an a**h*** for asking this? Am I overly anxious?

Edited July 29, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[glows]

This scenario is going to make anyone uncomfortable. How did the conversation happen? Was it a heated argument? I ask because she cried, refused to meet with you and now isn’t speaking to you. 

Why are you dating someone who is still in close contact with their exes to this level? You have voiced your concerns and she doesn’t agree with you. She doesn’t have to agree with you. This just points to your incompatibility. 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, ticitaca said:

I'm confused as to why she so strongly wanted to defend doing this with her friend/ex

She has different boundaries than you do. 
 

3 hours ago, ticitaca said:

She started crying, because she felt so bad she can't fulfill this role her friend's giving her

Her concern is more for her friend than her current partner. 
 

3 hours ago, ticitaca said:

why can't I ask not to let it happen again?

For most people, you wouldn’t even have to ask once. Most people would understand that it’s not appropriate to shop for lingerie with your ex. The fact that she doesn’t understand this and doesn’t to respect your feelings is a problem. 

You can ask her not to do this, as you have done, but ultimately - it is her decision. If she chooses to dismiss your request or withdraw from the relationship, the only decision you have is to leave. 

 

3 hours ago, ticitaca said:

she doesn't have to and is purposely choosing to make me the uncomfortable one.

You don’t have to date this woman. If she is showing you by her behavior that she doesn’t respect you and doesn’t value your feelings (not as much as she values her own and those of her ex’s), then she is not someone you should be dating. 

Edited July 29, 2023 by BaileyB

[NuevoYorko]

They sound very immature and like life is a party for them.  Your partner doesn't take your relationship or feelings very seriously.  I suspect that they just think you're in the "party" mode like the three of them are.

This is not the relationship for you.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, ticitaca said:

My partner's best friends with her two most significant and recent ex's. Ex's (22f & 20m) are in a relationship with eachother. 

Unfortunately it seems like they're still a throuple or polyamorous. Please reconsider the relationship. You two don't seem to have values that align. The situation seems like more headaches and heartaches than it's worth.

Edited July 29, 2023 by Wiseman2

[ShyViolet]

This girl who you are in a relationship with is not interested in having a serious, committed relationship with you.  She wants to continue to flirt with others.  That is just the place that she's in right now in her life.  You can't change her.  You can only leave this relationship if you're not comfortable with it.

I have never, ever in my life needed someone else to "check" for me if an item of clothing or lingerie fits properly.  When I go into a fitting room I've never needed to get the help of an employee to have them "check" whether something fits me.  I'm perfectly capable of determining myself whether something fits me.  This whole thing sounds ridiculous and just like an excuse to flirt.

You are going to have to realize sooner or later that this relationship is simply not the right one for you.  Let her go and find someone who is more mature and looking for the same type of relationship that you want.

[MsJayne]

Are you serious? No one needs someone in the change room with them unless they're disabled or they're a child, and the best person to help with size-checking and fitting is obviously the shop assistant - that's what they're trained for.  Then there's the whole aspect of it being an ex-girlfriend, so not just a female friend. It's no different to asking an ex-boyfriend along to feel her up in the change room under the disguise of "choosing lingerie",  it's just an excuse for being a jerk. Then there's the whole creepy scene of her ex-boyfriend now dating her ex-girlfriend. There's broad-mindedness and there's creepiness, and this is creepiness. Why is she still hanging around them both, do they have some weird scene going that you're not part of?  I'd be watching my back if I was you, sounds like any minute the ex-boyfriend will be inviting you to come shopping for butt plugs and wanting you to tell him whether they fit properly. 

[Alpacalia]

12 hours ago, ticitaca said:

My partner's best friends with her two most significant and recent ex's. Ex's (22f & 20m) are in a relationship with eachother. The female ex was a 6 month relationship a year before we met, the male one was a couple months and just before or after the female one. She has known the female ex for roughly 8 years.  The three of them can be touchy and make a lot of of jokingly flirty and sexual comments. I'm anxious and working on it, so I try to suck it up and adjust my standards, it's going well and I've grown much more comfortable with the whole situation. So I'm aware my views can sometimes need nuancing.

However, yesterday she mentioned going lingerie shopping with her female friend/ex, it suddenly dawned on me that my partner said it's normal to try on lingerie and have eachother check if its nice/fits properly. I couldn't care less if my partner went and tried on some lingerie and had another female (friend) check if it fits and the other way around, but a friend/ex is different to me. When I asked how they go about shopping, she said the female friend/ex is shy and that once, they did share a booth and tried on stuff (back to back, but there's still a giant mirror), because the ex is too shy to ask an employee to check how it fits. 
I'm very uncomfortable with this idea, and I told her so.

In my opinion there's no need for ex's or people who had/have feelings to see one another in lingerie, especially when an employee, their current partner or another friend could fill the role and the other partner is uncomfortable with it. She could buy it and try it on at home and get checked by family as well. My partner defended saying it's not the standard and there's no lust on her side, that the other bf was fine with it. But it's not the frequency or a potential lust that's the problemto me, it's that you'd allow yourself to be in that situation with an ex when you know your partner is uncomfortable with it, especially if there are other ways to fix the issue. I'm not the other ex/bf, oir views and standards aren't necessarily the same. F.e. he's fine with if the two girls were to kiss, I'm most certainly not.

I'm confused as to why she so strongly wanted to defend doing this with her friend/ex, when she doesn't have to and is purposely choosing to make me the uncomfortable one. If it only happened once, why can't I ask not to let it happen again? She started crying, because she felt so bad she can't fulfill this role her friend's giving her, I don't understand how this is such an enormous blow to her being a trustworthy bestfriend? I was gonna surprise her that day after work, she lives 2 hours away and I happened to be in town, but she told me she didn't wanna see me and doesn't even speak to me now? If her ex has some very serious trauma with this, I'd understand but that isn't the case, if somehow I don't know about trauma, she could  tellcme without going into any detail, and we could try looking for a more fitting solution. Why was my boundary of (to say it bluntly) 'no lingerie shows while shopping with your ex' such a shock to her? Am I an a**h*** for asking this? Am I overly anxious?

This is just weird, man. Put it in the same camp of keeping your ex partner's underwear. 

No you're not an a****** or anxious. This is cuckoo.

Edited July 29, 2023 by Alpacalia

[basil67]

I've certainly gone clothes shopping with friends or family and advised on how well the clothing fits and whether or not it's flattering.  And I've probably advised friends and family on how well a bra fits.  It's all well and good to say that the sales person can advise, but if they are in a department store, there frequently isn't that level of service.  I can't say I've shared a changeroom in a store, but I can imagine it happening if the room was big enough and we both were trying things on.

And my friends and I have seen each other naked on a regular basis while getting showered and dressed in communal changerooms at the pool and beach.   We're all too old to bother doing contortions trying to get dressed under a towel haha.  

So to me, the behaviour really isn't that odd....it just comes down to whether or not you trust her with this particular person.   

Edited July 29, 2023 by basil67

[smackie9]

Well you gave it a shot, told her how you felt about it and how uncomfortable it is for you. She defends her decision, and claims it's normal for her. So that leaves you with, put up with it and accept this is how she is with her exes or you can remove yourself from this relationship because it's causing you anxiety and feeling disrespected. Me personally wouldn't stick around.

Edited July 29, 2023 by smackie9

[Alpacalia]

I dislike my female friends seeing me naked or even half nakedness let alone an ex.

Albeit, I know everyone has different preferences though.

I totally get why this would be uncomfortable for you OP and I do not think it makes you an a-hole (which is what you asked).

Your girlfriend might think so if you can't get onboard with it. She may just have an extremely close friendship with her ex that she feels comfortable trying on lingerie in front of. I guess...But still...

The dynamic between them may have changed since they broke up, but if her ex is still in the picture and playing a major role in her life, it can be difficult for her to move on and create a new relationship. That's really what you're up against.

[basil67]

 

14 hours ago, ticitaca said:

see one another in lingerie

Was it lingerie?  Or was it an everyday bra?   Be careful to not turn this into something sordid when it could have been nothing more than a basic bra

Edited July 30, 2023 by basil67

[glows]

The whole friends with exes thing and claiming shyness for not asking a store employee’s opinion and to have hers shows some strong dependency on your partner. It appears there’s emotional dependency there, the need for support (no pun intended) where most people would rather ask a store staff than an ex for opinion on clothing. 

I’d probably wonder why her ex is so needy and I still question how this conversation betw her and you got so out of hand your partner started crying and isn’t speaking to you now. Try not to make any demands out of someone to the point that one of you is crying. Just back off when you don’t agree or agree to come back to this when cooler heads prevail.  

[basil67]

I'm also wondering what made her cry.  Whether it be your tone and/or because she realised she'd have to end things with you. 

And to answer your question, it's OK to have whatever boundaries make you comfortable.  But that doesn't mean a partner has to accept your boundary if that means doing something they don't want to do.  Or if they feel your boundary is controlling.  

The important thing with boundaries is that it's much stronger than a 'preference' and as such, they should not be open to negotiation or compromise.  So if the two of you have firm stances in the opposite directions, then the relationship simply can't work.  At this point, your only option is to stick to whatever boundaries you have and accept that if she strongly objects, then the relationship is now over. 

 

Edited July 30, 2023 by basil67