Mary010 Posted July 29, 2023 Share Posted July 29, 2023 I met a guy 9 years ago on a dating site. We hit it off so well that we moved in together three months later. Everything was going fine or so I thought. First red flag, he had alot of exes on his facebook, I asked him why and he said they are just friends. Second red flag, I got a joint credit card in my name and it was only to be used for household joint expenses. Well he maxed it out a short time later. He even got cash advances which I have no idea for what. I confronted him and he appoligised and eventually paid it off and I canceled it. I questioned alot of stuff during our relationship but he always reassured me that there was nothing to worry about. Third red flag came years later when I found out he had been visiting his ex girlfriend a few times over the years. He would go have lunch with her and bring her shopping whenever she needed stuff. I had no idea he was doing this during the day when I thought he was at work. Something happened and I ended up finding out. I confronted him about it and he said that they were just friends that he didn't tell me because he knew I'd upset me. I ended up breaking up with him and he moved out. We kept in contact and he'd come over for coffee every now and then. After a few months, he ended up coming over and crying saying that he missed me and really wanted to get back together but that he messed up and had started to see his ex again. He said if I wanted to try again he'd dump her. Of course being the weak person I am I agreed to give it another try. But I told him I didn't want to live together right away. Which I'm glade I did because it's been a bumpy road for me ever since. I am a highly sensitive person which means I notice any small changes in what people say and do. I also get this gut feeling when I know somethings up and Im usually right. I get these gut feelings alot with this guy and yet I stay with him. I don't know what to do anymore, I dont trust him, I know he lies and is secretive yet I'm afraid to dump him because I'm middle age now and I don't have any friends. I'm afraid to be alone for the rest of my life 😞 I could really use some advice and support... Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 29, 2023 Share Posted July 29, 2023 4 minutes ago, Mary010 said: I told him I didn't want to live together right away. Which I'm glade I did because it's been a bumpy road for me ever since. Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately he seems to use people for his own benefit. It was smart to evict him and sever all financial ties. Please reconsider letting him slither back in. Talk to trusted friends and family. Make sure you are getting support and feedback from people familiar with his parasitic tendencies. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 29, 2023 Share Posted July 29, 2023 Just because you're middle aged doesn't mean your life is over. You can still end this unhealthy relationship and make friends as well as meet the love of your life. People are doing it every day. Have more faith in yourself. What will you have by holding on to someone who isn't good to you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary010 Posted July 29, 2023 Author Share Posted July 29, 2023 Very true but I'm always hoping things will work out. When were together we enjoy each other's company. We get along really well but I feel that there's a whole other side to him. He says he's a people pleaser because he's always helping people but I think it's a cover up. He just wants people to think he's a great guy but he's not. He lies and is deceiving. I just have troubles believing myself, I'm afraid of making a mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
semble Posted July 29, 2023 Share Posted July 29, 2023 Paraphrasing here: "I cheated on you with my ex girlfriend, and I wouldn't have stopped if you hadn't discovered it on your own. After you dumped me, I went back to my ex girlfriend (or never stopped being with her). I obviously don't care about your needs, I have no problems lying to you repeatedly about other women or how I spend your money, however I miss you and like you better than her, and I want to get back with you and if you say yes I will dump her to be with you, or I'll be with both of you and just be more careful so you don't catch me again". Do you realize how messed up that is? So what you don't have friends. I don't either. You're better off being alone than with someone like that. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 29, 2023 Share Posted July 29, 2023 1 hour ago, Mary010 said: I'm afraid of making a mistake You've already made a big mistake by taking this man back, Mary. 2 hours ago, Mary010 said: I'm afraid to be alone for the rest of my life But look, you don't really have this person as your partner either. He lies, uses you, cheats, and heaven knows what else. That isn't a true partner. It's someone who takes full advantage of you and continues to do whatever the hell he wants anyway. 1 hour ago, Mary010 said: He says he's a people pleaser Does he think it pleases you to abuse your finances, betray your trust, and lie to you repeatedly? Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 29, 2023 Share Posted July 29, 2023 It’s for the best to stay broken up. And block his contact if he tries manipulating or guilting you with tears. Join some local interest groups and meet new people that way. Moving in too soon was a mistake and it looks like you learned from that. Take your time getting to know people too not just in relationships - in friendships as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 29, 2023 Share Posted July 29, 2023 (edited) 1 hour ago, Mary010 said: . We get along really well but I feel that there's a whole other side to him. Unfortunately you may be lonely and this is why you're vulnerable. Please recall this parable: "Halfway across the river, however, the scorpion does indeed sting the frog. As they are both about to drown, the frog asks why the scorpion stung him when it would mean his demise as well. The scorpion replies “It's my nature.” Edited July 29, 2023 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted August 2, 2023 Share Posted August 2, 2023 I can guarantee that is still seeing his ex and nothing is going to change. You should have never taken him back. He only wanted you back because of what he could get out of you. Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted August 2, 2023 Share Posted August 2, 2023 What a self-serving, manipulative, conniving little snake he is. People pleaser - Pfft. I'm glad you haven't let him move back in and I hope you stick to that. Every gut feeling you have about him is correct, he can't be trusted, and I would guess the main reason he's come sliming back around you is that the other woman has actually dumped him, not the other way around. It's hard for you if you have no close friends who you can turn to for a bit of moral support, and maybe you should address that issue as the most important. You're probably not feeling good about yourself after 9 years of being used and gaslit, and perhaps building yourself up and learning to like yourself is what you need to do before launching yourself into the dating pool again. Have you considered joining groups where you would meet people, maybe yoga, or a walking group, book club, golf lessons, volunteer work.....? Anywhere you can interact with other people in a non-intimidating environment is a good place to start. There are millions of good men out there and your age is irrelevant, you don't have to accept being treated with such disrespect. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 2, 2023 Share Posted August 2, 2023 (edited) On 7/29/2023 at 11:37 AM, Mary010 said: I just have troubles believing myself, I'm afraid of making a mistake. "Sorry, there is a problem.This members profile is no longer active.Error code: PROFILE_INACTIVE"? Edited August 2, 2023 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lisa Posted August 3, 2023 Senior Moderators Share Posted August 3, 2023 Sorry folks, looks like OP has closed her account Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts