New Girlfriend new issues

[longjohn775]

11 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Longjohn: l see in your profile you are middle aged, l assume she is too? . I would expect that behavior from a young woman in her 20s with still lots to learn, l would never expect a middle aged woman to think this is acceptable behavior in a relationship. The friend being gay or not. 

I know a woman that tells all of her bf that her best friend is gay, he's not. He's a lover she cannot cut ties with. That not-gay friend is also my friend. I heard it all. He sleeps in her basement sometimes but will go join her in middle if the night, she even convinced her bf to bring him along to one if their trips cause she was afraid to be bored while he'd go attend conferences.

You have not met that friend yet, you've mentionned it a few times to her and still have not met him. Don't be a fool.

We are which is why this has knocked me back a bit. I'm like she should know what better than to even think that's ok. Clearly not but I intend to have an honest, frank conversation and let her decide on what she actually wants.

[semble]

You said you'd break up with her in your very first post, and that male friends are a problem 99% of the time and it's either him or you.

I'd do the same, nothing wrong with that plan.

So what advice are you looking for exactly

[Sony12]

5 minutes ago, longjohn775 said:

I've trouble when they say he's just a friend and he is never ever just a friend. Ask my ex wife 😂

Yes many times they are just a friend. If they were never ever just a friend they wouldn't be dating you as they would already have a guy who fulfilled that part of their life.

 

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

 just a friend they wouldn't be dating you as they would already have a guy who fulfilled that part of their life.

 

It's never that simple.

I have another friend who dated a woman shortly then she told him she was not feeling it. He asked if they could remain friends, she said yes.  They both went on with their life as friends  except my friend secretely hope for her to get back to him even when dating other women and all, he'd  drop everything for her.

Edited July 29, 2023 by Gaeta

[Sony12]

9 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

It's never that simple.

I have another friend who dated a woman shortly then she told him she was not feeling it. He asked if they could remain friends, she said yes.  They both went on with their life as friends  except my friend secretely hope for her to get back to him even when dating other women and all, he'd  drop everything for her.

There are definitely instances like that. However the OP said it is 99% of the time. If he is being honest about that than there is a clear common denominator going on. And the denominator isn't the women and if it is than he has a habit of dating the wrong women.

Edited July 29, 2023 by Sony12

[Versacehottie]

24 minutes ago, semble said:

So what advice are you looking for exactly

This ^^^^^ 100%

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, Sony12 said:

However the OP said it is 99% of the time. If he is being honest about that than there is a clear pattern going on.

OP can clarify but l think he was being sarcastic because his ex-wife had a male best friend...and he was not just a friend. 

But if he was not being sarcastic then he needs to stay away from women with male friends. 

[Sony12]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

OP can clarify but l think he was being sarcastic because his ex-wife had a male best friend...and he was not just a friend. 

But if he was not being sarcastic then he needs to stay away from women with male friends. 

Yes hopefully he comes back and clarifies that.

Edited July 29, 2023 by Sony12

[MsJayne]

If the friend's 100% gay it would be no different to her sharing a room with a female friend, except that if he's a typical gay male he probably rents the penthouse suite, maybe that's why she wants to stay in his room .  Seriously, she's known him for a long time, I'm sure if he was going to turn it would have happened before now. The real problem is that you feel like the third wheel in their relationship, and that's her doing. If she regularly cancels plans with you last minute, no matter whether it's Gay Friend or something else, that's dismissive and disrespectful towards you. You've asked to meet him but been ignored so far, that would annoy me, depending on how long you've been seeing each other. I think once you get past the three month mark it's time to start introducing your partner to other parts of your life, family, close friends, etc, and if that's not happening I would question the relationship. It's possible that he's one of those gay guys who barely tolerate hetero men and doesn't want to meet you unless you're marrying her, but if that's the case then she should be saying goodbye to him because he's interfering in her life. Or, he may have known her long enough to know her dating history and maybe he's confident you'll be gone soon. Could be many things, but if it makes you really uncomfortable, maybe you need to rethink whether she's the good fit you thought she was. 

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, longjohn775 said:

I understand she's in constant contact with him makes significant drives to do lunch with him ect

This would bother me a great deal. 

My friends and l are in contact daily when we're single but as soon as one of us gets in a relationship this drops to once or twice a week. And that's normal. We give each other space to grow that new relationship.

How many months you've been dating?

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, longjohn775 said:

I have no intention of "stopping her" I have every intention of stating my concerns. She'll either accept them, ignore them or lie. One way or another she will have to make a choice on what she wants. I trust her I do not know him. I've been in past relationships and the "male friend" is always an issue 99% of the time. Therefore I've adopted a policy of it's him or us.

 

It is very bizarre and I hope she chooses this relationship. I hope she doesn't lie about it otherwise this relationship is already done for.

Not to wave off your concerns but could you expand on the part above that is bolded? What was the situation with your ex wife?

Here's the thing. When you start a new relationship with someone, typically it takes a bit of time and working out of kinks to start making concessions when it comes to friends that have been in our lives for a long time. Now, if you have trust issues due to a prior relationship, it is especially difficult for the other person (in this case your girlfriend) to accept any limitations that you place on her friendships.

Can you explain your concerns to her and state why you think it's an issue?

Certainly if you feel that at a few months of dating she needs to be doing more to make you comfortable around her male friend then you filter your thoughts through “Would I want someone who is a few months in to make the same request of me?” before expressing it to her. Ultimately, it's not about you stopping her from doing something, it's about coming to a mutual understanding and level of respect for each other's feelings while still maintaining healthy relationships with other people.

She is routinely cancelling plans with you to spend time with her male friend and it's obvious that it's not a balanced three-way friendship.

Edited July 29, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Weezy1973]

Sometime when folks have “loose” boundaries regarding the opposite sex, they let you know early on in the relationship while you’re in the honeymoon phase, so later if you call them on it, they can say they were completely honest and told you this at the beginning etc.

 

OP it sounds like you know your boundaries, and you’re willing to leave if she crosses them, which is exactly the right thing to do. You can’t control her, but you can control you.

[Johnnyflowers]

3 hours ago, longjohn775 said:

e and we need to break some single person habits. I intend once again on pressing the issue to meet this guy. I hope speaking with her face to face will help impress upon her my issues a

She has a good gay friend and you say you've never met him?  If I'm a girl and I'm dating a great guy I'm telling all my friends about it and can't wait for them to meet  him. The fact that she is not rushing to have you meet him means there is something she is hiding. She should prioritize YOU and your feelings and your comfort. If she isn't doing that then this just the tip of the iceberg.  I'm not convinced he is gay and it's platonic.  Might want to cut your losses and find someone that doesn't do things that make you uncomfortable. 

[Alpacalia]

48 minutes ago, Johnnyflowers said:

She has a good gay friend and you say you've never met him?  If I'm a girl and I'm dating a great guy I'm telling all my friends about it and can't wait for them to meet  him. The fact that she is not rushing to have you meet him means there is something she is hiding. She should prioritize YOU and your feelings and your comfort. If she isn't doing that then this just the tip of the iceberg.  I'm not convinced he is gay and it's platonic.  Might want to cut your losses and find someone that doesn't do things that make you uncomfortable. 

It is not necessarily abnormal to wait before introducing your significant other to their close friends. Everyone has different preferences in how and when they would like to do so, and these preferences are independent of anyone's sexuality.

I have previously introduced men I was newly dating to my friends early on, however those dating relationships did not last. Therefore, I now respect the process of getting to know someone before making introductions. Then again, it did not involve sharing hotel rooms with other men or cancelling plans to hang out with friends.

Being uncomfortable with your significant other sharing a hotel room with another man and bailing on you to go hang out with him are valid concerns.

[basil67]

@longjohn775 I don't understand why you're making this about gender rather than sexual preference.  The guy is gay, so why would he want to sleep with your new girlfriend?  

And in reverse, would you be OK with her sharing a room with another woman?  I mean, what if that woman was bi or gay? 

[Gaeta]

Ya'll think about it this way.

You have a local friend you see *every day* at work and you text constantly when you're not at work.

Then you're sent to a conference - why in the world would you not enjoy a nice hotel room by yourself? You can still go chat with your friend  in his room then go back to your room to sleep right? Who here would prefer to sleep in the bed next to this friend! Hear him snore all night! Not have the bathroom all to yourselves? No woman above the age of 12 would say no to a nice hotel room to herself!! 

Can this woman live one day outside this friend's overalls pants!

Edited July 29, 2023 by Gaeta

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Then you're sent to a conference - why in the world would you not enjoy a nice hotel room by yourself? 

Agree this part makes no sense when the company is willing to pay for separate accommodations. Flaking last minute also makes no sense. 

[smackie9]

IMO for her to have a gay male companion would be an asset because she would be safe with him. Women travelling and stay at hotels alone can be targeted by sexual predators. My brother's brother in law is gay and you wouldn't know it, so not every gay man is flamboyant/obvious. Meet this guy first before passing judgment. Just ask her to introduce him to you, maybe go out for dinner together. I'm sure as your relationship grows, theirs will tone down.

[Versacehottie]

33 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Ya'll think about it this way.

You have a local friend you see *every day* at work and you text constantly when you're not at work.

Then you're sent to a conference - why in the world would you not enjoy a nice hotel room by yourself? You can still go chat with your friend  in his room then go back to your room to sleep right? Who here would prefer to sleep in the bed next to this friend! Hear him snore all night! Not have the bathroom all to yourselves? No woman above the age of 12 would say no to a nice hotel room to herself!! 

Can this woman live one day outside this friend's overalls pants!

yeah i don't agree with all the paranoia and jealousy...but when traveling for work, this part makes no sense! They can hang out all their waking hours if they are that close of friends but I don't know anyone that would forgo their work-given hotel room!!!! Basically it gives a bit of time and space to herself and also you wouldn't want to forgo it for the simple fact that if you did, that might set precedence that management thinks you will share! in the future or don't treat yourself like you are worthy/important!! Also importantly, whether the guy is gay or straight, she will then have to explain to her coworkers why they are sharing a room--which isn't a great look. If the company is cheap and that is the only way she is allowed to travel or vice versa only way he is allowed to travel, it sort of makes sense. Otherwise, I'd be inclined to think it's not a work trip at all. 

Despite some of my reservations about her explanation of why they are sharing a room at a business conference, i also think it's weird the 99% comment from the OP. That, to me, signals either a guy who picks women poorly, is ripe for women who use him OR is so paranoid and jealous that he drives them to it anyway. 

As the OP recounts her telling of the situation to him, it doesn't sound dishonest or dishonestly explained. Maybe this is a pro liar or OP is so paranoid, he will insert the cheating narrative into any scenario. This is a confusing one. I don't think, OP, that your manner of addressing it will help much. It's bound to go over poorly either way.

Edited July 29, 2023 by Versacehottie

[Ami1uwant]

5 hours ago, longjohn775 said:

I've trouble when they say he's just a friend and he is never ever just a friend. Ask my ex wife 😂

False….

 

men and women can be friends. As you mentioned he s gay.  Sometime you can meet someone maybe thinking about a relationship but then you find out there are fundamental difference such as kids, religious beliefs, opposite living styles, they are a pet lover and you are highly allergic to pets, and others.  As a resulypt therr is no chsnvpce of any long term relationship but you get along great and have common interests so you just are good friends.
 

The other thing herr you mentioned later thst they were coworkers and this is work travel.

 

you need to trust her on this one.

[Sony12]

Hope the OP comes back and explains what he intended by the 99% of the time line that he said. He hasn't posted since we started talking about that.

Edited July 29, 2023 by Sony12

[Ami1uwant]

58 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@longjohn775 I don't understand why you're making this about gender rather than sexual preference.  The guy is gay, so why would he want to sleep with your new girlfriend?  

And in reverse, would you be OK with her sharing a room with another woman?  I mean, what if that woman was bi or gay? 

Men can be bi too …it’s an equal opportunity enabler

 

 

I can get two coworker sharing a room on a business trip due to expensive hotels. If this is for a conference— I’ve travel annually to a major conference in my job where 40,000+attendees. Hotels sre hard to get.  He might have planned on going early and booked a 3 bed room. Because he’s presenting and needier to come to do a joint presentation he might have said you can stay with me.

[Alpacalia]

Ah well. Clearly you're convinced your girlfriend is snooking her gay male friend. In which case, you're probably better off ending it. Despite what you may think, it's never a good idea to stay in a relationship out of fear or to prove a point. People deserve to be in relationships where they can trust their partner, and if you don't believe you can trust your girlfriend any more, then it's best to end it.

[Gaeta]

45 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Because he’s presenting and needier to come to do a joint presentation he might have said you can stay with me

OP has explained all employees atrending the conference have their own room paid.  She wants to sleep in a room with him anyway.  No special reasons just cause they're friends. We're talking a mid 40s woman here, well passed the age of sleep-overs with friends.

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

OP has explained all employees atrending the conference have their own room paid.  She wants to sleep in a room with him anyway.  No special reasons just cause they're friends. We're talking a mid 40s woman here, well passed the age of sleep-overs with friends.

Like isaid if one of thrm going was a late add to go and there were no hotels anywhere in the area then such a situation is plausible.