New Girlfriend new issues

[justwhoiam]

It's just a matter of priorities. When someone is head over heels in love with someone, friends are not a priority in the early stages of dating. The priority is the new love story. Of course you'd be there if anything happens to your friends, but not planning weekends out with friends. And if they are real friends, they understand and happy for you.

You've been dating for a month and a half and if things are "cold" and she's dropping you last minute to see this man, I wouldn't care if he's gay or whatever. It'd be a dealbreaker for me. You have never been invited either... so that's a problem. He hates heterosexual men? That'd be a problem. He wants time alone with your potential gf? That'd be a problem if it starts interfering with your plans and life.

So don't feel bad about how you feel. I don't care what people say about friends blah blah. Political correctness my a--.

[Sony12]

Well since it looks like the OP might not come back hopefully he doesn't overreact and just calmly lets the lady know that this relationship isn't working for him.

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, justwhoiam said:

When someone is head over heels in love with someone, friends are not a priority in the early stages of dating. The priority is the new love story.

Who says that?

A couple of months' acquaintance is not as valuable as someone you've known for years. Can't there be a balance? Despite being there for you through thick and thin, you recently met a new person who engrosses your time and attention. It's pretty serious to prioritize someone you met recently over your friends. Choose a monogamous relationship and follow all the “default” rules if that’s really what you want to do.

When people give in to their lust and go under the influence of passionate love, everything goes out of whack for them because they become mentally deranged & emotionally unstable.

(haha)

[justwhoiam]

3 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Who says that?

You left out "not planning weekends out with friends", because you feel like nurturing this new relationship. I didn't mean that as literally blinded by passion lol

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

When people give in to their lust and go under the influence of passionate love, everything goes out of whack for them because they become mentally deranged & emotionally unstable.

(haha)

There is a right middle to find. Acting like a new relationship is secondary and plans can be cancelled on them at any time isn't how you build trust with a new bf/gf. 

Yes most people prioritize their new relationship while maintaining their friendships.  This is how new relationships grow stronger. 

I would not date a man that repeatedly cancels plans with me to spend time with his female friend that he sees every day at work. 

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

There is a right middle to find. Acting like a new relationship is secondary and plans can be cancelled on them at any time isn't how you build trust with a new bf/gf. 

Yes most people prioritize their new relationship while maintaining their friendships.  This is how new relationships grow stronger. 

I would not date a man that repeatedly cancels plans with me to spend time with his female friend that he sees every day at work. 

No, I wouldn't either (date a man that repeatedly cancelled plans). I stop dating him.

My comment was more so when you begin dating someone not to make them the primary person initially in your life and to continue to maintain friendships. Maybe my thinking is still a bit off, but I don't think you should have to choose one or the other. So yes, there is a right middle to find as you suggested.

I don't agree that the woman the thread is about is doing a good job prioritizing her boyfriend by cancelling existing plans with him to hang out with her friends. Sorry if I didn't make that clear earlier.

[longjohn775]

Thank you all for the advice and opinions, it's exactly why I posted this question. We did speak at length, I stated that being in a relationship with me and staying in a hotel room with another man is not acceptable to me and I would likley be forced to break things off. I said the perception among work collogues would be she's with him and not me which is an issue. I asked if I could meet this friend. Which will eventually happen or not. Hopefully it does, if it doesn't in the next couple of months I'll take that as a sign of things to come and get out.

To clarify the ex wife thing yes, she had a "male friend" who she reassured me time and again was married and just a friend etc. Anyway few months later I notice a change in her and find text messages. Apparently he was "married" but he'd told her he was going through a divorce. Unfortunately when I found his wife this was the first she'd heard of it. I packed my stuff up and moved out as soon as I could after that. To stay would have been to reward that type of behavior. I hope she (my ex) learnt a lesson from that experience. 

[basil67]

16 minutes ago, longjohn775 said:

I said the perception among work collogues would be she's with him and not me which is an issue.

Is he "out" at work?  If so, why would you assume the work colleagues would assume they were together romantically or sexually?

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, longjohn775 said:

 We did speak at length. and I would likley be forced to break things off.

What was her response to this breakup threat and your suggestions? Do you think meeting him would matter? 

[Sony12]

3 hours ago, longjohn775 said:

Thank you all for the advice and opinions, it's exactly why I posted this question. We did speak at length, I stated that being in a relationship with me and staying in a hotel room with another man is not acceptable to me and I would likley be forced to break things off. I said the perception among work collogues would be she's with him and not me which is an issue. I asked if I could meet this friend. Which will eventually happen or not. Hopefully it does, if it doesn't in the next couple of months I'll take that as a sign of things to come and get out.

To clarify the ex wife thing yes, she had a "male friend" who she reassured me time and again was married and just a friend etc. Anyway few months later I notice a change in her and find text messages. Apparently he was "married" but he'd told her he was going through a divorce. Unfortunately when I found his wife this was the first she'd heard of it. I packed my stuff up and moved out as soon as I could after that. To stay would have been to reward that type of behavior. I hope she (my ex) learnt a lesson from that experience. 

You threatened to break things off???????? Just move on now as your relationship with this woman was over the moment you decided to do that. You only act that way with someone whom you are extremely serious with.

I'm sure she didn't appreciate being threatened by a guy she has only been going out with for a couple months whom she already has been cancelling dates with.

Edited July 31, 2023 by Sony12

[Alpacalia]

How come you posted without addressing the issue of your ex-wife? If you have concerns about trust, it is important to bring this up in your post.

Not for nothing, but seems like you have an axe to grind and putting your current girlfriend through an intensive "let me test you by asking questions after questions" is not doing you any favor. I completely understand where you coming from and that you had an experience with your ex wife and that's why you are being so cautious.

That said, I wouldn't put your girlfriend in a situation where she has to prove herself, because even IF she is really into you, that is overwhelming. Especially for a newish relationship.

Can you not try to have a mature conversation with her and calmly ask her to open up to you about this situation? Let her tell you what it means to her and why she wants to stay in a hotel room with a male gay friend. 

And yes, it would be good to meet this friend eventually. If it doesn't happen in the next couple of months that would be a sign of things to come and you can decide how to proceed then.

But oh man, you've already laid out an ultimatum. I can't imagine she is pleased with that.

[Ageless Wisdom23]

It appears her and her gay friend have a lot of His and Her History.  And even though she has you in your life as being Official, It seems not totally exclusive just yet.  I do not think she will be giving him up anytime too soon.  And Yes, It will surely cause problems in your new relationship with her as him being the monkey in the middle or Even----You.  Talk to her.😑

[JTSW]

At the end of the day, gay or not, there is no reason for her to share a room with him.

It's not appropriate at all.

Especially if it's a work thing.

I have a bestie in work that's a guy and we are really close friends, but I would NEVER share a hotel room with him even if he was gay.

You are right in your feelings about it.

[Alpacalia]

The situation as it stands is that your girlfriend is sharing a room with a gay male friend and colleague. So, unless you suspect that he is not gay or that he is bi-sexual, it would be no different than sharing a room with a female friend and colleague.

We don't really know what is going on. We do know, however, that this is very unusual. Maybe there are some circumstances where sharing a room with him would be necessary, but who knows.

Your ex wife cheated on you with a male and the fact that your girlfriend is sharing a room with a gay male friend is a red flag for you. If you feel that your girlfriend is not being transparent and honest about this situation then it’s absolutely essential that she clarifies and makes you feel comfortable with the situation.

Whatever the reason, if you approached your girlfriend and said that this makes you uncomfortable and preferred that he stays in a different room by himself or with another friend then it is her decision whether she agrees to it or not. If it was my boyfriend staying with a gay female friend, I would hope that he would take my feelings into consideration and not push the issue if I said no.

In any event, you're in a tough spot and I think on that basis alone that your girlfriend has put you in a vulnerable state and she needs to respect and recognize that you have a right to feel the way you do.

[swenann991]

On 7/29/2023 at 6:49 PM, Gaeta said:

She brought up the subject, she asked your opinion than tell the truth. Dating is a time to learn about each other.

Tell her that you're ok with friendship but you'd feel  respected if they had seperate rooms. It's not that you don't trust her, it's simply the respect couples offer each other. 

Exactly as you said!

[S2B]

On 7/29/2023 at 10:10 AM, longjohn775 said:

He's a work colleague, they are going to a conference. I did state that most organizations will not allow opposite genders to share a room and will pay for a room each. She said she'd rather share with him. I could be over reacting but I feel like it is immensely disrespectful to our relationship to even consider it. To ask it has me confused. I'm glad she did and didn't just mention it after the fact or not at all. I feel like I'm walking a line between healthy relationship boundaries and what could be perceived as controlling. 

 

I could be wrong but I feel it isn't right or correct for a female partner to share with a male colleague. I also feel I'm not in the wrong should she decide to do so anyway and I discover after the fact to break off this relationship. 

This just doesn’t sound right.

since she asked = she really wants to.

so you have your answer - she is willing to disrespect you and hurt your feelings to spend the night with someone else.

hes gay? Yep, it’s still disrespectful.