WorldTraveler Posted July 29, 2023 Share Posted July 29, 2023 I've been talking to this really great woman for the past 1.5 months and even though our communication is really healthy I still find this stage so stressful. Especially considering I really like this woman and see some great potential. I just feel like this stage is lawless and anything can happen at a moments notice. No one owes the other anything at this point. People can say one thing and then do the complete other. And I feel like it's so easy to misinterpret someone's words, actions, text etc. and you never know what's going to happen next especially in this age of toxic dating. I feel like I have to be on my toes and just want to get through this stage and onto the next where there's more security and not as more guesswork. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 29, 2023 Share Posted July 29, 2023 How often have you seen each other in the 6 weeks? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 29, 2023 Share Posted July 29, 2023 4 minutes ago, WorldTraveler said: talking to this really great woman for the past 1.5 months and even though our communication is Is this a distance situation? After a few messages a week or so, please suggest meeting in person for a brief coffee/drink so you can assess in person chemistry and compatibility before investing 6 weeks trying to keep up the chitchat. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted July 29, 2023 Share Posted July 29, 2023 Yes, please fill in more information as Wiseman requested. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WorldTraveler Posted July 29, 2023 Author Share Posted July 29, 2023 24 minutes ago, glows said: How often have you seen each other in the 6 weeks? About a date or two a week. And all in person communication and interaction has been great no complaints. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WorldTraveler Posted July 29, 2023 Author Share Posted July 29, 2023 23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Is this a distance situation? After a few messages a week or so, please suggest meeting in person for a brief coffee/drink so you can assess in person chemistry and compatibility before investing 6 weeks trying to keep up the chitchat. Nope. We live in the same city. We have a couple dates planned for next week. Considering I’m on date 7 I guess I should just focus on the fact that if she continues to go on dates at this point I should be doing something right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 29, 2023 Share Posted July 29, 2023 5 minutes ago, WorldTraveler said: I guess I should just focus on the fact that if she continues to go on dates at this point I should be doing something right? Yes definitely focus on in person interaction. Do you mean how much texting between dates is customary? Or do you mean the dates aren't going anywhere? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 29, 2023 Share Posted July 29, 2023 40 minutes ago, WorldTraveler said: Considering I’m on date 7 I would have expected exclusivity to be brought up by now. Why not? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted July 29, 2023 Share Posted July 29, 2023 6 weeks, 2 dates per week. You both know by this stage whether you're interested in exclusivity. Just ask her, then you can move on to the honeymoon phase. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author WorldTraveler Posted July 29, 2023 Author Share Posted July 29, 2023 (edited) 3 hours ago, Gaeta said: I would have expected exclusivity to be brought up by now. Why not? Well I think I kinda did that after date 3 unintentionally. I simply asked her where her head was at to gauge her interest level and she told me how she'd like to continue seeing me, going on dates and just take things slow. Afterwards I mentioned how when I date someone I'm not the kind of person who likes to put my energy in multiple people and told her that I had no interest in dating other people simultaneously and deleted the apps as well. I didn't want to freak her out and make her think I was rushing to claim exclusivity after only knowing her for a couple of weeks so I followed it up by saying how we're two single adults and if her dating style didn't match mine that was totally fine but just asked her to please let me know so we could have that conversation if she was seeing other people. She actually surprised me by saying how she isn't talking to anyone else either and went as far as deleting the dating apps as well. It's not to say I don't believe her, but again I guess she could totally have lied to me if she wanted to because again I feel like the "talking stage" is a weird time and anything goes until the security of a label is placed on things. Edited July 29, 2023 by WorldTraveler Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 29, 2023 Share Posted July 29, 2023 That all sounds good @WorldTravelerthere is no reason to not beleive her. Do you kiss? Hold hands? What specifically stresses you? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 29, 2023 Share Posted July 29, 2023 21 minutes ago, WorldTraveler said: I feel like the "talking stage" is a weird time and anything goes until the security of a label is placed on things. Actually try to relax. It seems to be going well. You did sort of have the exclusive conversation. So perhaps you are waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak, from prior experiences rather than this particular situation so far. Is this the same woman?: Link to post Share on other sites
Author WorldTraveler Posted July 29, 2023 Author Share Posted July 29, 2023 8 minutes ago, Gaeta said: That all sounds good @WorldTravelerthere is no reason to not beleive her. Do you kiss? Hold hands? What specifically stresses you? Yeah we've kissed and held hands in public settings. We've gotten intimate, but have not fully had sex yet. I guess I just get stressed when I let my mind wander and it starts exploring the what if's.... I really like this woman and would love to have the opportunity at a wholesome future with her because I see some really incredible potential based on on our interactions. So I guess I just freak myself every now and then because even though I feel like things are going well, I feel like anything could change either good or bad until a label is established. And while I consider myself to be fairly confident in myself and recognize my worth, this is definitely the type of woman who gets plenty of attention from other men and would have plenty of options at a moments notice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WorldTraveler Posted July 29, 2023 Author Share Posted July 29, 2023 (edited) 20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Actually try to relax. It seems to be going well. You did sort of have the exclusive conversation. So perhaps you are waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak, from prior experiences rather than this particular situation so far. Is this the same woman?: This is the same woman yes. While I never did bring up her inconsistent texting style it seems to follow the same patterns and it seems to be due to her work, considering she typically texts consistently after she's off or on the weekends. But I'm starting to enjoy this texting style because we don't talk everyday which provides us with more to talk about in person and I don't feel like we are simply talking about pointless things all day via text. Edited July 29, 2023 by WorldTraveler 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 29, 2023 Share Posted July 29, 2023 We all go through these fears and insecurities when we're about to invest our heart. Love is a risky business. I went through the same insecurities at the beginning of my relationship especially that he's younger than l. My trick was to tell myself if this relationship doesn't get off the ground i'll be just fine! There are several other men out there that would be compatible with me. I tell myself for now lets just live in the moment! And enjoy the process! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 29, 2023 Share Posted July 29, 2023 12 minutes ago, WorldTraveler said: she typically texts consistently after she's off or on the weekends. But I'm starting to enjoy this texting style because we don't talk everyday which provides us with more to talk about in person and I don't feel like we are simply talking about pointless things all day via text. It's not clear. You say she text consistenly after work and weekend then you say you don't talk every day? Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted July 30, 2023 Share Posted July 30, 2023 Falling in love involves risk because you are opening yourself up and afraid you will get hurt have you talked about a gloss over of past relationships? How recent did her last one rnd? If it was recent she might not be ready yet. If it was a long relationship of a few years thrn she might not to jump into exclusivity right now. are there certain days you aren’t dating? she might be willing to get free dinner from you too…. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 30, 2023 Share Posted July 30, 2023 2 hours ago, WorldTraveler said: I guess I just get stressed when I let my mind wander and it starts exploring the what if's... Take a dive into the concept of resilience. It's about knowing that things in life might go wrong, but also knowing that while you may be very disappointed or angry or whatever, you know that you'll recover. Ideally we start to develop it as a child, when hopefully our parents allow us to fail. We deal with friendships going wrong or forgetting our school lunch or homework or not getting a pony for Christmas and carries on throughout our lives. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 30, 2023 Share Posted July 30, 2023 It all sounds like it’s going fine to me. Enjoy the journey - try not to rush anything. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted July 30, 2023 Share Posted July 30, 2023 You're way overthinking all of this and letting your anxiety and insecurity rule you. The early stages of dating are not about rushing to the next stage. The early stages are simply about getting to know someone, enjoying their company, enjoying the excitement of a new budding relationship. You are taking all the fun out of it by placing heavy expectations on this. You've made the mistake of getting too invested too early. 5 hours ago, WorldTraveler said: So I guess I just freak myself every now and then because even though I feel like things are going well, I feel like anything could change either good or bad until a label is established. There are no guarantees that a relationship will continue going well. You are putting so much emphasis on getting to the point where you can slap a "label" on this, but the fact is that even after that, things could change. It doesn't give you a guarantee that this is a sure thing. Obsessing about the "what ifs" doesn't help anything, it simply sucks the enjoyment out of the process. If you and her are compatible enough, it will turn into a longer term relationship, whether or not you spend all this time worrying about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WorldTraveler Posted July 30, 2023 Author Share Posted July 30, 2023 19 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: You're way overthinking all of this and letting your anxiety and insecurity rule you. The early stages of dating are not about rushing to the next stage. The early stages are simply about getting to know someone, enjoying their company, enjoying the excitement of a new budding relationship. You are taking all the fun out of it by placing heavy expectations on this. You've made the mistake of getting too invested too early. There are no guarantees that a relationship will continue going well. You are putting so much emphasis on getting to the point where you can slap a "label" on this, but the fact is that even after that, things could change. It doesn't give you a guarantee that this is a sure thing. Obsessing about the "what ifs" doesn't help anything, it simply sucks the enjoyment out of the process. If you and her are compatible enough, it will turn into a longer term relationship, whether or not you spend all this time worrying about it. Oh absolutely I know I am lol. It’s the basis of my anxiety but something I’ve been working on in therapy for the past few years. Most times I can objectively step back for a second and recognize this but sometimes it takes a confirmatory outsiders perspective. I’ve made a point to write down all the positives and things that are going good so that when my mind gets going I can reflect back and tell myself “oh yeah, things are going well, chill”. Regardless thanks for the reminder, everything you said is accurate. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 30, 2023 Share Posted July 30, 2023 8 hours ago, WorldTraveler said: I feel like anything could change either good or bad until a label is established This can happen after a label is established as well. You're putting too much emphasis on the idea of a "label." I can understand wanting to make things more official. However, that isn't really the security benchmark you're making it out to be. Relationships always come with a degree of emotional risk, OP. Things can still go sour even after you've got a label. Deciding you're a couple doesn't change that. You have gotten yourself into a spiral thinking that the label will make it all better, but that's not the case. You've got to get a handle on your anxiety or will continue to find reasons to freak out even if you two become an established couple. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted July 30, 2023 Share Posted July 30, 2023 Guesswork phase? I think most men would say that phase never ends with women! That's because men - even after decades - can't figure out women. And you can find messages like these: click here to display the picture. Relax 🙂 Link to post Share on other sites
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