I don't understand

[Itsme13]

I’ve been dating my boyfriend now for two years. We are half long distance and half time together every month. He is well of financially and I am a struggling single mom of two girls ages 6 and 8. My problem is is that whenever I have a crisis or need a little help financially, he doesn’t help me. I never ask for anything from him including money or gifts or anything like that. Well, last night my 8 year old dodge overheated and I had to have it towed to a shop. It cost me $800 to fix it. When my boyfriend comes out to visit me we use my car as his main home is in Texas and mine is in Los Angeles so he doesn’t have a car out here. He says he loves me and talks to me nonstop, but when something like this comes up, he just said that sucks. He didn’t offer to pay anything. Not one dollar. He knows I don’t make that much and I am not expecting him to pay it all but offering to help a little would help me but he didn’t. My income fluctuates so sometimes I make 30k a year but this year it has gone down to 19k and in LA it is rough. He makes $650k a year. I just feel like if you love someone you should help them out. He is always talking about marriage too. I don’t understand. Why does he like to see me struggle? He has no kids so he knows my money is for them. Meanwhile, he travels for work and told me he is going to Vegas to play poker and said he plays the high dollar tables when he goes. He is going because my mom is visiting me then so he decided to go before my car burned up. That being said, he will spend $5000 on a poker game but not offer me even $200 to help? If the tables were reversed I would have no problem helping him financially if he needed it. He will take us on trips but he only spends money if he gets to go. He never just helps me if I am in a crisis. Then he always says, we need to get you less stressed sweetheart, you are always stressed out. I wonder why?? I live in his house in LA because I can’t afford my own place here and my ex husband won’t let me move out if this expensive state and take my kids with me. Am I wrong for thinking he should help? We basically live like a married couple.

[glows]

Maybe he thinks by letting you live in his LA abode he’s already chipped in helping you. It’s not clear he isn’t dating someone else or living with another woman in Texas. How would you know if for ie you don’t go there or stay often and it’s long distance? Have you ever had doubts?

How do you know also how much he spends on a poker game? I’d giggle if someone told me how much they spend at a table - not much class here and his story might not add up about his finances.

[Itsme13]

Like I said above he pays for trips meaning me going ti his house in Texas a lot. Def no women there. He calls me all day everyday so no way he is talking to another woman. He will call me like no joke 50 times a day to talk all hours of the day everyday so if he’s hooking up for 2 minutes Id be surprised. He told me how much poker costs him when he plays. He volunteered that info I didn’t ask. And he doesn’t just call we facetime everytime and he can chat for hours.

[glows]

Have you told him you when you need help? Ie be upfront and say you need x dollars. Why expect him to offer that?

He may even think it’s condescending or patronizing to give you money/cash. Some people are not receptive to that or he may have been on the receiving end of some backlash in the past. 

Be open and honest about the car repairs and see what he says. 

Since he has no children he may not understand at all how expensive they are or what goes into raising kids. The next time he passes a comment like that about being less stressed tell him what’s causing that stress and limit the amount of use of your vehicle. Ask him if it’s possible to rent one instead when he’s visiting as yours is down or you can’t afford to have it break down again.

 

[ShyViolet]

He is letting you live rent-free in his house.  He's already helping you financially A LOT.  The fact that you expect more sounds very entitled.  He is not your husband, and it's not his responsibility to support you financially any more than he already is.  You are already getting a nice place to live rent-free which is a lot more than most people can say, and you sound ungrateful about it.

1 hour ago, Itsme13 said:

That being said, he will spend $5000 on a poker game but not offer me even $200 to help? 

He is allowed to spend his money however he wants.

Maybe he's thinking about marrying you but wants to make sure you aren't a gold digger who is just around for the financial support.  Show that you are a person of integrity and take care of your own kids and expenses.

[S2B]

He’s not obligated to offer you money. He probably thinks if you needed more money you would find a better job.

he’s already offered you a free place to live in LA… so that’s a huge plus…and worth thousands a month as rent has gotten expensive there.

if you need something from him - tell him by being specific - he can say yes or no.

using your car when he visits - well yes, that’s normal. It may be time to search for a better paying job. 

do you get child support? If so, how much? Because that amount should be added to your amount you earn by working. 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

Bottom Buck Line, He is a tight fitted man who only thinks of his own pockets.  If you were even married to Him, You probably would be on a strict allowance.  I'd rethink this one.  He also sounds like he has a gambling fetish or a problem.  Maybe there is more to him you do not know.  Financially that is.😐

[MsJayne]

By giving you a roof over your head he’s saving you thousands, and you want more. I have to assume rents in your part of the world are like here, around half the average weekly income and higher, so that makes him very generous. He pays for your travel, and some other stuff no doubt, but now you think he should contribute to your personal expenses as well? Why? I’m serious with that question, why do you think someone else, anyone, should pay your bills? So what if he’s wealthy, that’s his money that he worked for, that’s how capitalism works. And so what if you use your car when he’s there, that’s a pretty small contribution to ask for. 
The other aspect of your post that stood out is that he tells you he spends big at the poker table. Men who big note themselves about money usually don’t have anywhere near as much as they imply with their chest-beating and posturing, and are also often really tight with it. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Itsme13 said:

’We basically live like a married couple.

Unfortunately you're not married. How did you meet? How did it come about that you're living in his LA house? 

How is your coparenting relationship with your children's father? Do you have shared custody? Are the children receiving child support?

Unfortunately you seem to be living below the poverty level, even if you have a rich BF.

Please go to social services for help. You may be eligible for food stamps, housing assistance, medical care for you and your children as well as assistance with job placement and training. 

In the meantime you're in a difficult situation because you're staying in his house and it sounds like you would be homeless otherwise. Please see what government assistance you're eligible for so you can take care of yourself and your children. 

[Alpacalia]

11 hours ago, Itsme13 said:

My income fluctuates so sometimes I make 30k a year but this year it has gone down to 19k and in LA it is rough. He makes $650k a year.

Please try to learn to become more financially independent.

You're right to be asking for help, but your relationship is not at a point where it can sustain you financially. While it's natural to want help from someone you love during times of crisis, this situation is playing out to be very one-sided.

It's odd that he's chosen someone with an income far below his when it sounds like money matters to him. It's also confusing that he travels and plays poker when he seems to know you are financially struggling. Another thing that jumps out at me is that he talks so much about marriage while seeming to ignore your financial instability. Does he want you to stay at home while he travels and makes money? It's raising a few red flags for me.

Of course, without knowing the full story here, it may be that he's trying to be true to himself - with his own values and principles - and he wants a partner who loves and accepts him as he is, even if one of you earns significantly more than the other. It may even be that, on some level, he respects your financial struggles and doesn't mind being a bit of an extra support system for you.

He loves you as much as he says he does, and could be willing to help in some way – either through financial assistance or by giving you advice and tips on ways to become more financially secure – however, it is ultimately your responsibility to take charge of your finances and build your own independence.

What if the two of you broke up? Where would you go? 

Try to avoid setting yourself up for a lot of stress and potential disappointment by relying too heavily on your boyfriend for this kind of support. 

Edited July 30, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Weezy1973]

OP, what do you do for a living where you make so little money? The US is basically at full employment right now meaning anyone who wants a job can get one. I’m sure if you look, you can get a higher paying job that still works around raising your kids. 
 

Also, what happens if you and your boyfriend break up? Would you be homeless? 

[JTSW]

He's not obligated to pay for anything and it's unfair of you to expect him to.

None of it is his fault, he never put you in any kind of financial struggle so its not nice of you to blame him.

He already does so much for you and you are acting rather ungrateful.

He's not his place to dig you out of financial holes. 

It's your responsibility. Not his.

On 7/30/2023 at 2:43 AM, Itsme13 said:

Why does he like to see me struggle? He has no kids so he knows my money is for them.

This is just being nasty OP.

 

On 7/30/2023 at 2:43 AM, Itsme13 said:

He will take us on trips

 

On 7/30/2023 at 2:43 AM, Itsme13 said:

I live in his house in LA. Am I wrong for thinking he should help?

Yes you are wrong. 

I'm sure if you asked him he would be happy to help you out.

He's probably not offering because there are some single parents that hate people offering help and makes them feel like they're a charity.

You coming here a b****ing about him when he's done nothing wrong is out of order.

 

[JTSW]

On 7/30/2023 at 2:43 AM, Itsme13 said:

my ex husband won’t let me move out if this expensive state and take my kids with me.

The kids father?

Is he paying child maintenance for his kids?

If not, why not? 

Stop making your struggles your bf's fault.

Edited July 31, 2023 by JTSW

[stillafool]

I agree that it is not your bfs responsibility to give you financial help even though he is doing so by letting you and your kids live with him rent free.  Surely you must be getting child support from you ex, the kids father.  Maybe, since you don't have to pay rent, you can enroll in school to learn skills to obtain a new career that will afford you a way to pay for you and your kids.  You and your kids expenses are not the responsibility of your bf and if he makes his money he can spend as much as he likes in Vegas.

[Els]

On 7/30/2023 at 1:26 PM, ShyViolet said:

He is letting you live rent-free in his house.  He's already helping you financially A LOT.

This.

That being said, I won't lie, the combination of him being gone half of every month AND bragging about gambling etc just sounds suuuuuuuper dodgy. The whole story just doesn't add up honestly.

[BaileyB]

On 7/29/2023 at 8:43 PM, Itsme13 said:

We basically live like a married couple.

Except you are not married, and you live like a married couple half of the time. The other half of the time you are apart and he plays poker like a bachelor…

I too am curious to know how you can afford to live in LA on $19,000. That’s not even minimum wage where I live. Do you not get child support?

Bottom line - he is not financially responsible for you or your children. You are dating the man, you are not married. Even if you were married, you should not be financially dependent on the man. You need to find a way to boost your income for your own sake and for the sake of your children. THAT is what I would be asking for help with. IF he uses your car when he stays with you for two weeks of the year, I hope he is paying some of the gas. You could ask for help - only because he relies on your car when he stays with you. Otherwise, I would say that he is not wrong to not offer to help…

Just because he has the means to help does it mean that he is required to pay your bills… I’m sorry. Best wishes. 

[S2B]

Any update OP?

[JTSW]

10 hours ago, S2B said:

Any update OP?

I feel that her post was just her way of lashing out at her financial frustration.

She may have hopefully realised that she was wrong to take it out on her bf.

[Samantha11]

I know this post is rather old, but I just wanted to add that I don't think it is his responsibility to pay. It might feel like you are married, but you are not. Now if you were his wife, that would be another story, but that also might depend on your situation too. I know there are some couples who expect each other to pay their own way even then, and that is up to them to figure out. But unless he is really and truly your husband - signed, sealed and delivered - I don't think he is wrong.

Would it be nice if he offered? Sure, but then what? The next time something goes wrong, will he feel obligated to pay then because he did once? Will you be offended if he does not offer to pay every time? What kind of problems could that dynamic introduce in the future? I would keep money out of the equation until you are married. It can just make things too messy. I know some people said you could ask him for help, but I would not do that. It could really risk complicating the relationship. Unless he has been extremely clear with you that he wants to help you financially, and has told you to ask him if you ever need anything financial, or you are just so much in dire straits that you have absolutely no other option in the entire world (which I doubt), I would just refrain. 

That said, if you do ever plan to marry, make sure you talk finances clearly with him before you tie the knot, and be certain you are both on the same page about what you will, or will not, share. 

Edited August 26, 2023 by Samantha11

[Lotsgoingon]

Yeah, I'm inclined to think you're right. That this guy could help out in a crisis with the car and so on. 

Have you guys had an explicit conversation about money? May be time to have that conversation. 

I'm thinking about a guy I know who married a rich woman, very rich. She just gets things for the both of them if her husband doesn't have the money for it. But she is married and they have kids. And so if her husband (the guy I know) needs a car, then "the family" needs a new car. Your man doesn't see you as family. 

I think your man is keeping some distance by not stepping in for emergencies. He's not fully committed. Harsh, but that's the truth of the situation. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

OP, not  sure if you're coming back. Doesn't seem so, but just in case I'll offer some support. I disagree with almost all posters heretofore on this thread.

In my opinion when both parties are enjoying the most intimate thing a person can give another, their love and sexual favors (both man and woman) it only seems right to share something else that is valuable, finances.

I've dated several wealthy men, in fact, that's all I've ever dated long term, although I've been open to dating others that's the way life has worked out for me so far. I can tell you now that the ones who will help a single struggling mother who has children living at home and a low income (which I was at one time, no longer) are the best men. The ones who do not help, in my experience, are not generous in other ways. In fact, are often very selfish and if you get to know their social circle you will often learn they are not people others hold in high respect. I base this on actual experience which I will not take up room to write about here, but can do so if needed.

I wouldn't give a nickel for a man (or woman) who makes 650k and treats a woman (or woman who treats a man) he is in a sexual/loving relationship with, who is in your income category, the way this imo, jerk, is treating you.

Shoot, as a heterosexual woman, if I knew you, I'd be helping you financially and advising you as to how you can do better financially. I would pay for your car repair, etc. And I don't make nearly $650 a year. I have helped people (men and woman both) with money who have needed it and would do so again.

I think your bf's a jerk for not noticing and helping you, UNLESS he thinks you're not doing your best in some way. Or that you're a gold digger. If he thinks either of those things he doesn't respect you, is using you, and shouldn't be dating you.

I also don't think he's helping you financially to allow you to live with him bc you still have to pay for your residence in LA even when you're not there. And correct me if I'm wrong, the only reason you live with him part time is to visit him. It doesn't cut your expenses down. I may be wrong on this, not going back to check.

I'd advise you to try to increase your income, which you may be trying to do already by being in school or growing a business. And break up with this 650K loser. I wouldn't advise you to even talk with him. A blind person can see he knows your situation and has no intention of helping.

 

[Avonlea]

Go to your own house, sign up for services from the human services to help your family in the meantime til things change and focus on securing your family. Don't rely on him any more, they lead you on with too good to be true. Don't go by sweet words go by sweet effect with blueprints in front of you. 

Edited August 29, 2023 by Avonlea