Asked me out when drunk- will it happen?

[NuevoYorko]

6 hours ago, babybrowns said:

 

Now my relatively reserved behaviour with this man, in person as well as in text messages where I was perhaps restraining him a bit (while secretly enjoying his displays of passion),

 ???? Displays of passion?  Drunk flirtation and then he texted in response to your nudging about the date with "that would be nice if you're still keen."  Positive? Sure!  Display of passion?  Not.  

I know we are not supposed to bring up other threads on this site but I will risk it:  Recently you had a thread where you said a guy was pursuing you for dates, and then later said that he'd never approached you in a "romantic" way.  

Maybe you have your own "beer goggles" without beer?  "Guy goggles"?  

Quote

 

leads me to wonder whether there is anything more I ought to do from my end that he needs to hear from me to still want to pursue this. He did feel embarrassed after that night of flirtation, and he seemed pleasantly surprised when I asked if we’re still on for our date. I did say it was lovely to meet him, which was our last communication. 

All in all I am wondering whether I need to do more to show him I’m keen 🤔

You are just in a loop here.  You've posted this exact same rumination several times.  Everyone says the same thing, including "if you must you must."  So go ahead.  There's nothing really wrong with chasing a man.  The only bad part is that when it fails to yield the desired results, usually the chaser feels badly.   

[Kassieee]

6 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Thanks so much for your further replies. It is true that I can get a little too obsessive and over-analytical. I am getting on with other things and looking forward to my vacation, I am just wondering if there is anything more I can do from my end to help.

Part of what is causing me to worry here is that, traditionally I have never been one to show ‘too much interest’ when I like a man. This came from a couple of past experiences of chasing after men who were not all that keen.

Now my relatively reserved behaviour with this man, in person as well as in text messages where I was perhaps restraining him a bit (while secretly enjoying his displays of passion), leads me to wonder whether there is anything more I ought to do from my end that he needs to hear from me to still want to pursue this. He did feel embarrassed after that night of flirtation, and he seemed pleasantly surprised when I asked if we’re still on for our date. I did say it was lovely to meet him, which was our last communication. 

All in all I am wondering whether I need to do more to show him I’m keen 🤔

It's exciting!!!! You found someone you're into, at least for now, that might change as you get to know him, might not. 

Honestly, this day n age, you snooze you lose. People have options especially in the beginning stages of dating. I personally think, if you are interested you have to make moves. I'm not saying text him off the hook, or even text him everyday until the next date. But you have to communicate. 

[basil67]

I'm worried that things won't work out with him and you'll get angry/upset and start labelling him with all kinds of names. 

 

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Now my relatively reserved behaviour with this man, in person as well as in text messages where I was perhaps restraining him a bit (while secretly enjoying his displays of passion),

Not to beat a dead horse, but this is a drunken man that you met at a party. Personally, I don’t find it flattering or attractive when a drunken man flirts with me and I have to restrain his drunken “displays of passion.” 

I also went back to read your first post - all the flirtation happened in person and by text that first night when he was under the influence. I don’t think you can gauge his interest in dating you based on his flirtatious behavior that night… more likely, what he was trying to do was to get you to have sex with him. Saner heads have apparently prevailed now that he has sobered up. What does that mean - is he interested in dating you? Or, did he just want a drunken hook-up? Well, you will have to wait and see if he follows-up with a date when you return from vacation….

[stillafool]

14 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Given that the last time we spoke, in his sober state he confirmed our date, I’ll wait a few more days before texting him something casual and light-hearted. Not to remind him of me as such but more to see ‘where this is at’.

There's no reason to remind him of anything since he's already confirmed your date.  When is it?

[basil67]

Given that you haven't had a date yet...or spoken at length while both of you are sober, do you realise how nutty it would look if you checked in to see "where this is at"?   

 

 

[BaileyB]

51 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Given that you haven't had a date yet...or spoken at length while both of you are sober, do you realise how nutty it would look if you checked in to see "where this is at"?   

 

 

He will think it’s nutty - men don’t usually like women that place expectations… especially before they are even dating! 

[glows]

16 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Thanks so much for your further replies. It is true that I can get a little too obsessive and over-analytical. I am getting on with other things and looking forward to my vacation, I am just wondering if there is anything more I can do from my end to help.

Part of what is causing me to worry here is that, traditionally I have never been one to show ‘too much interest’ when I like a man. This came from a couple of past experiences of chasing after men who were not all that keen.

Now my relatively reserved behaviour with this man, in person as well as in text messages where I was perhaps restraining him a bit (while secretly enjoying his displays of passion), leads me to wonder whether there is anything more I ought to do from my end that he needs to hear from me to still want to pursue this. He did feel embarrassed after that night of flirtation, and he seemed pleasantly surprised when I asked if we’re still on for our date. I did say it was lovely to meet him, which was our last communication. 

All in all I am wondering whether I need to do more to show him I’m keen 🤔

No, not really. Relax and see how it goes. Keep in mind you don’t quite know this person.

Honestly OP I find your enthusiasm refreshing. Just don’t expend so much energy on this or overthink it. Stay busy and enjoy your other plans. 

[Alpacalia]

I agree that it's uplifting to see you so excited about him. Please have confidence you're doing enough. You said it was lovely to meet him and asked if the date was still on - these are reassuring. The fact that you're so eager and nervous shows you're genuinely interested. He was intoxicated when he asked you out and maybe that gave him a bit of liquid courage which you don't seem to mind and don't over compensate for it either. Enjoy the moment and trust that the date is still on and you'll have a great time!

Edited August 1, 2023 by Alpacalia

[introverted1]

How was the date, BB?  I think it would have been last night based on your OP. 

[Versacehottie]

On 8/9/2023 at 9:28 AM, introverted1 said:

How was the date, BB?  I think it would have been last night based on your OP. 

My guess is the date never happened! OP's guy took the beer googles off and/or changed his mind with further interaction with her--if you read between the lines, even though many people advised her not to go overboard or feel like she should do something or stay in touch necessarily over her vacation--you can tell she was going to do so regardless. 

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

I hope everyone is well. I would like to update you on the situation;

In the interim between my first meeting this man (when I started the thread) and our date, the time span which was 2 weeks, we started texting. A lot of ‘texting chemistry’ built up over the 2 weeks and he even got a little ‘too’ into it; he was future faking multiple times, suggesting things that we do together in the future if our first date went well. Despite my strong interest in him, I ensured not to get carried away with the future faking, so that I didn’t get ahead of myself (or lead him to) before we’d even met for the first date.

We met last night finally. He took me for drinks, which went really well, with lots of chemistry in the air and then he wanted us to go have dinner (same evening). He was very thoughtful and took me to a place based on what he knew to be my favourite cuisine, and paid the check (I offered to split but he was a gentleman).

Most of the date was nice and exciting but towards the latter part of the date, the conversation seemed to die down a little, and he started to get a little withdrawn. I’m not sure whether that’s because it was getting quite late and he had work quite early the next morning; his home is a little far from town. 

When we were saying goodbye there was no kiss, and I found it a little hard to read whether he was keen or not come the end of the date (he did say ‘hope to see you soon’ but I’m not sure whether that was just to be polite). He did ask me to let him know when I got home. I did so, with a message thanking him for a wonderful evening and expressing that it was lovely to see him.

He responded with equal enthusiasm, saying it was lovely to spend time with me, thanking me for making the effort to come and see him, and even apologising for keeping me out so late.

Today however, the texting has died down a lot. I initiated contact this morning when I wished him a good day, and he responded later this morning with the same. That’s been it. 

What with the end of the date last night displaying some signs of withdrawal and possible disengagement from him, I am wondering whether or not he does want to see me again. I am thinking that perhaps our first date was a bit too long; that it would have been better to just have had drinks and leave dinner for the next time, for which perhaps the conversation died a bit towards the end as we were probably running out of things to talk about.

Even so I’d be up for meeting again and doing an activity together such as hiking, and am hoping he’ll ask me.

The man and I do share a great many similarities, such as related to education, career and family background, as well as views on things like what our values are, so there’s definitely something there..I’m just hoping that he saw it too.

[Alpacalia]

One date in two weeks is a bit on the slow side for things to progress. Try to avoid falling into the future faking trap again. If he is interested in you as well, he will definitely make an effort to contact you again and arrange a more meaningful date. Just be patient and wait to see what he does.

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

 I initiated contact this morning when I wished him a good day, and he responded later this morning with the same. 

Try to discontinue overdoing the texting. Step back and let him come to you. The date seems to have gone well so rather than chase this hard have some confidence that he'll contact you when he gets some breathing room and can arrange another date.

[Calmandfocused]

This “text me when you get home” line that men throw out at the end of the first date is not what it appears to be IMO. 
 

Think about it; if you somehow managed to get yourself in danger on the way home from a first date 1) it is not your date’s responsibility to save you and 2) there’s no way you’d be calling on his assistance anyway. It’s a ludicrous request when you think about it. 
 

I think it’s more about the fact that men want you to text them so it puts them in the power position of rejector rather than rejectee. “She text me first after the first date” protects the ego. 
 

It’s also a statement made to swerve the conversation away from “when shall we meet again?” and prevents awkwardness.

You’ve text him twice since last night. He knows you want to see him again, you’ve made that clear. 
 

[NuevoYorko]

Too much texting, too long of a date.  

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I am thinking that perhaps our first date was a bit too long; that it would have been better to just have had drinks and leave dinner for the next time

That would be a wise decision. 
 

6 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Even so I’d be up for meeting again and doing an activity together such as hiking, and am hoping he’ll ask me.

Is there a reason why you wouldn’t ask him? 
 

6 hours ago, babybrowns said:

A lot of ‘texting chemistry’ built up over the 2 weeks. Despite my strong interest in him, I ensured not to get carried away with the future faking, so that I didn’t get ahead of myself before we’d even met for the first date.

(((Cringe)))

First, I simply do not understand why you insist on building a relationship with a man by text. That’s not how relationships form and I would think that it takes a lot of the interest and the fun out of that first meeting. What do you talk about with a man when you have already texted with him for two weeks and learned all about him? 

What’s more - you warned him about future faking lest it get both of your expectations up… It’s a very condescending and socially inappropriate statement to make to a man who is showing interest in possibly dating you - before you have even met in person. 

[NuevoYorko]

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

What’s more - you warned him about future faking lest it get both of your expectations up… It’s a very condescending and socially inappropriate statement to make to a man who is showing interest in possibly dating you - before you have even met in person. 

Just think:  This could be completely avoided by choosing not to "build texting chemistry" for weeks before having a date.  Honestly, what else is there to even do besides "future fake"?  It's all fantasy.

Anyway, I hope you will go ahead and invite the guy on a hike.  Sounds like a fun idea.

[basil67]

6 hours ago, babybrowns said:

He responded with equal enthusiasm, saying it was lovely to spend time with me, thanking me for making the effort to come and see him, and even apologising for keeping me out so late.

Did he say anything about wanting to see you again?   

[BrinnM]

It’s strange that he got more and more quiet towards the end of the evening. IME, with drinks and a good conversation, it’s usually the opposite. 
Yes, too much texting ahead of time can lead to awkward silence, boredom and perhaps disappointment during the actual date, but that wasn’t the case here, if I understand everything correctly. Everything went swimmingly, he extended the date to add dinner, and only then it went “downhill”, for lack of a better word. So I’m wondering if something happened between the drinks at the bar portion of the evening, and the “dinner portion” of the evening. Any awkward topics discussed? Too much alcohol? Just spitballing here. 

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

It’s strange that he got more and more quiet towards the end of the evening. IME, with drinks and a good conversation, it’s usually the opposite. 

Isn’t it possible that he just ran out of things to talk about? After all that texting, and then a long first date, I can imagine that you just run out of conversation at some point… I have certainly been on bad dates where this has been the case. 

I think of the early stages of dating as I think of a child’s activity - you always want to end it when the kids are having fun. That way, they want to come back for more and play again… When you text excessively prior to the date and then plan a long first date - by the end of the night, the fun and excitement is gone and you are working to keep the conversation going…  There may not be any interest or excitement to see you again as you are both left wondering why it fizzled. 

To increase the likelihood of success, I would suggest that you plan a time-limited first date - keep it light and fun and interesting - and build from there…
 

Edited August 16, 2023 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, babybrowns said:

 he did say ‘hope to see you soon’ 

Please step back. He didn't seem to want to set up another date and while he seems polite, he is not asking to see you again. Hope to see you soon and nice meeting you seem lukewarm at best. 

[basil67]

39 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Did he say anything about wanting to see you again?   

Sorry, ignore my comment.  I just saw that he gave some kind of vague comment about seeing you again

[NuevoYorko]

x

Edited August 16, 2023 by NuevoYorko

[BrinnM]

15 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

After all that texting, and then a long first date, I can imagine that you just run out of conversation at some point… I have certainly been on bad dates where this has been the case. 

 

Could be, but then he could’ve exited easily after the drinks part, instead of adding a dinner, which made it even longer. So I’m guessing he enjoyed himself enough during drinks, therefore extended the date to a dinner, and then somehow noticed something he didn’t like.