Asked me out when drunk- will it happen?

[basil67]

I'm old, so I had to look up the term "future faking" and found this: Future faking occurs when someone makes a false promise about the future. This person says they will do something they have no intention of doing. Future faking is a manipulative technique people use to control another person in a relationship to get what they want.   There were also references about this being connected to narcissism.  

If you truly believe he was a narcissist making false promises in order to manipulate you, why did you stay in contact with him?  You should have just blocked him.

Or did you use the wrong term?   What did he actually say for you to label his behaviour in this way?

 

 

[Kassieee]

8 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Hello all,

I hope everyone is well. I would like to update you on the situation;

In the interim between my first meeting this man (when I started the thread) and our date, the time span which was 2 weeks, we started texting. A lot of ‘texting chemistry’ built up over the 2 weeks and he even got a little ‘too’ into it; he was future faking multiple times, suggesting things that we do together in the future if our first date went well. Despite my strong interest in him, I ensured not to get carried away with the future faking, so that I didn’t get ahead of myself (or lead him to) before we’d even met for the first date.

We met last night finally. He took me for drinks, which went really well, with lots of chemistry in the air and then he wanted us to go have dinner (same evening). He was very thoughtful and took me to a place based on what he knew to be my favourite cuisine, and paid the check (I offered to split but he was a gentleman).

Most of the date was nice and exciting but towards the latter part of the date, the conversation seemed to die down a little, and he started to get a little withdrawn. I’m not sure whether that’s because it was getting quite late and he had work quite early the next morning; his home is a little far from town. 

When we were saying goodbye there was no kiss, and I found it a little hard to read whether he was keen or not come the end of the date (he did say ‘hope to see you soon’ but I’m not sure whether that was just to be polite). He did ask me to let him know when I got home. I did so, with a message thanking him for a wonderful evening and expressing that it was lovely to see him.

He responded with equal enthusiasm, saying it was lovely to spend time with me, thanking me for making the effort to come and see him, and even apologising for keeping me out so late.

Today however, the texting has died down a lot. I initiated contact this morning when I wished him a good day, and he responded later this morning with the same. That’s been it. 

What with the end of the date last night displaying some signs of withdrawal and possible disengagement from him, I am wondering whether or not he does want to see me again. I am thinking that perhaps our first date was a bit too long; that it would have been better to just have had drinks and leave dinner for the next time, for which perhaps the conversation died a bit towards the end as we were probably running out of things to talk about.

Even so I’d be up for meeting again and doing an activity together such as hiking, and am hoping he’ll ask me.

The man and I do share a great many similarities, such as related to education, career and family background, as well as views on things like what our values are, so there’s definitely something there..I’m just hoping that he saw it too.

 You expect him to be "ON" all the time....could be he was just chilling later on during the date. And you can't expect anyone's texting pattern to be the same all the time.

Really over analyzing it. 

 

Why are you hoping he asks out on a another date, why can't you ask him.

Edited August 17, 2023 by SlimShadysWife

[introverted1]

BB, you mentioned that it took 2 weeks to organize the date, but in your OP you said you'd already planned a day and venue when you met at the party. 

On 7/30/2023 at 12:04 PM, babybrowns said:

But given we had already arranged the day and venue and all,

Originally, the date was to happen 9 days after the party.

So I am wondering a couple of things:

• Whose idea was it to delay the date such that 2 weeks passed rather than the planned 9 days?
• How did you end up in an ongoing text exchange while you were away - who reached out first and when?

The sense I get from your posts is that you are very eager to date this guy (or possibly any guy). My advice would be to stop worrying about what he is going to do -- does he like you, will he call, does he want to see you again etc. Stay busy with your job and friends and hobbies. Date other men.  He is not the last guy on earth and would be good to recognize that he is still pretty much a stranger at this point.  Whatever the outcome, it will be ok. 

 

 

[Kassieee]

 "Hope to see you soon"- he said that.

You didn't initate anything...he could be thinking you're not interested in another date. I think you're assuming negative things way too much.

[JTSW]

16 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Even so I’d be up for meeting again and doing an activity together such as hiking, and am hoping he’ll ask me.

Why wait around for him to ask?

Why don't you ask him?

If he gives any kind of excuse i.e. 'not sure when I'll be free' then you have your answer.

Move on.

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

I hope everyone is well. Coincidentally, just a couple of hours after I last updated this thread (which was the day after our first date), the guy asked me out again. So we met up again and had our second date. I suggested we go hiking this time, which we did.

It was on this second date that, in my eyes atleast, our differences were amplified. We have different outlooks on life, different values, let alone many different interests. Once again there was no attempt from him for a kiss at the end, but again a “I hope to see you soon” from him. I left the date with mixed emotions; a strong awareness of our differences, yet a liking for his gentlemanly character and soft nature. So I wasn’t prepared to rule out seeing him again at that stage. 

The day after though, he started talking about doing things together that one would normally do a bit more down the line - he even mentioned going on vacation. This set alarm bells ringing for me, since we had just had 2 dates, not even a kiss, and yet he was already thinking about doing things together that one would normally bring up after developing some kind of intimacy (emotional as well as physical). I also found it a little odd that given our obvious differences and awkward silences, he felt like spending more time with me and to the extent of a vacation at that.

It then all made sense to me- he wanted me simply for companionship. He had no interest in developing a romance or bond with me, but simply wanted a female companion to enable him to go to places where he doesn’t like going alone (by his own admission). I didn’t want to proceed anymore with it, since I am looking for a genuine romance and forming a bond with someone, and not to be used in this way.

Thank you everyone for your help in this thread 💗

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

We have different outlooks on life, different values, let alone many different interests.  I wasn’t prepared to rule out seeing him again at that stage.  

What differences did you observe? Are you going to see him again? Are you concerned he's not that attracted to you?

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, babybrowns said:

he wanted me simply for companionship. He had no interest in developing a romance or bond with me, but simply wanted a female companion to enable him to go to places where he doesn’t like going alone (by his own admission).

He told you all of this? 

[babybrowns]

27 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He told you all of this? 

He told me the latter part; that he doesn’t like going to places alone and that he admires how I do things on my own like solo travelling. He’s someone that needs people around and is lacking it; his only company are his workmates who he said are much older than him and who he sees on the weekend.
He said that now is a time he is trying to focus on relationships and not work. But it is clear that what he wants with me is more of a companionship and less of a relationship 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

 it is clear that what he wants with me is more of a companionship and less of a relationship 

That's possible. However did he tell you he would rather be friends? It's unclear if he came to that conclusion after spending some time or if he asked for your number at a party for the purposes of making friends.

[ExpatInItaly]

13 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

But it is clear that what he wants with me is more of a companionship and less of a relationship 

I am trying to understand how you arrived at that conclusion after just 2 dates. Because he didn't try to kiss you?

I don't see where he actually expressed the following:

3 hours ago, babybrowns said:

he wanted me simply for companionship. He had no interest in developing a romance or bond with me,

This sounds like your assumption more than anything else. 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

Keep the lines of communication going and see who attentive her is.  If he doesn't seen KEEN, I'd move on until he sees you are Not so Keen.😏

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, candice969 said:

Hello, what are you doing? I’m a bit sad. Let’s talk! Feel free to write to me here

это не сайт знакомств

[stillafool]

I think you're craving physical affection and because this guy hasn't even tried to kiss you you are assuming he just wants a buddy.

[introverted1]

I get whiplash from your posts.

When you first posted, you said: 

On 7/30/2023 at 12:04 PM, babybrowns said:

We got chatting and found out that we had a lot in common. I found him interesting and attractive.

And also:

On 7/31/2023 at 4:34 AM, babybrowns said:

this man ticks a lot of boxes for me and what I’m looking for in a partner.

And now, just 2 dates later:

4 hours ago, babybrowns said:

It was on this second date that, in my eyes atleast, our differences were amplified. We have different outlooks on life, different values, let alone many different interests

So either you are now reframing the man/date because he was not actually interested in you (no attempt at a kiss, lukewarm initiative for a subsequent date) OR your initial impression was more a creation of your own hopes than anything he presented OR a bit of both. I suspect it is a bit of both.

If you would slow your roll, let interest develop organically, and accept that Disney movies are not real life I think your dating life would be more successful. 

[babybrowns]

Hello all

It is more the incongruity of him not making any attempt to kiss me versus his wish to keep seeing me and go on vacation after just two dates. If he was after a relationship, his lack of passion would have prompted him to try to find it elsewhere, rather than keep seeing someone he might not want to get physically close to.

But he was fine for us to keep things as they were, without aiming to progress things. He made sure to keep calling our meet-ups “dates”, even inviting me on a “third date” which I declined. He simply wanted excuses to go to nice places where, by self admission, he does not like going alone. We live in the capital city where there’s lots to do but he is unable to enjoy it because he has limited options in his social life.

In either case, us potentially looking for different things is not the main thing that put me off, but moreso the stark differences in our outlooks on life, our interests etc. So in either case it is a no-go for me.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

the stark differences in our outlooks on life, our interests etc.

I'm confused. Before your dates, you were convinced this man checked all your boxes. 

What are these stark differences you've discovered since then? 

[stillafool]

52 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

ello all

It is more the incongruity of him not making any attempt to kiss me versus his wish to keep seeing me and go on vacation after just two dates. If he was after a relationship, his lack of passion would have prompted him to try to find it elsewhere, rather than keep seeing someone he might not want to get physically close to.

 

On 7/30/2023 at 12:04 PM, babybrowns said:

However upon consuming more alcohol, he proceeded to get quite flirty with me. I didn’t mind because I did find him interesting; I’m just a little shy when it comes to flirting back, and being sober (since I don’t drink much) I didn’t quite ‘match’ his level of flirtation. Nevertheless, at the end of the night he asked me out on a date for next week which I accepted, and we exchanged numbers. 

After I left the party, he texted me saying he would like to take me out for dinner next week, with a proposed day and venue. I agreed, with pleasure. He then proceeded to flirt with me over text that night too, which again I was receptive and playful to but perhaps didn’t quite match his level of forwardness. I did however say that I was looking forward to seeing him next week. then wished him goodnight and he did the same, witIh a kiss.

💐 

I think if you were more flirty and acted more like you want a romantic connection he would have been more affectionate.  You've got to match their interest, if you really are interested, or they feel rejected and move on.  Hasn't that been an issue in the past with men?

[Wiseman2]

On 7/30/2023 at 12:04 PM, babybrowns said:

 We got chatting and found out that we had a lot in common. I found him interesting and attractive.  he proceeded to get quite flirty with me.. He then proceeded to flirt with me over text that night too, . I then wished him goodnight and he did the same, with a kiss..

After a couple of dates and quite a bit of texting, what made you decide there were "too many differences"? And after all the apparent flirting what drew you to the conclusion that he's lonely and only looking for friends?

[glows]

I can see where you’re coming from but it’s also only two dates?! Maybe he was working up to kissing you on the third? A lot of people don’t kiss on the first few dates. I personally never understood that, quite disgusting to be kissing someone I barely know. 

I do see how his disposition and neediness in having people with him while traveling or going out can be a complete turn off as I’m very much like you. I travel and visit wherever I want whenever I like and don’t give a damn - restaurants, movies, vacations etc. I also love meeting people along the way. If you were strongly put off by this it’s understandable.

 

 

Edited August 27, 2023 by glows

[basil67]

13 hours ago, babybrowns said:

It is more the incongruity of him not making any attempt to kiss me 

Granted, it was a long time ago, but I've always known when a guy wanted to kiss me even if he was holding off - the telltale sign was the undeniable pull of chemistry.

If you have no chemistry, then you're right to let it go.  But if you think there IS chemistry, have you tried to kiss him?  There's no rule that the woman can't initiate

[introverted1]

19 hours ago, babybrowns said:

He told me the latter part; that he doesn’t like going to places alone and that he admires how I do things on my own like solo travelling. He’s someone that needs people around and is lacking it; his only company are his workmates who he said are much older than him and who he sees on the weekend.
He said that now is a time he is trying to focus on relationships and not work. But it is clear that what he wants with me is more of a companionship and less of a relationship 

Is there more to it than this?  I do not see how you divined that he only wants companionship from this.

I am someone who prefers not to travel solo and I am not a huge fan of going out to dinner alone.  There are lots of people who feel this way, and to make the leap that because he does, too, he only sees you as a companion and not a potential romantic partner makes me wonder if there is more to this story than you are sharing. 

I'd argue that you are not a reliable witness, toggling as you have from "enjoying his displays of passion" to determining "what he wants with me is more of a companionship" in head-spinning time.  Either something else happened on the date or you have built up a fantasy romance in your mind that no one could live up to.  Why can't you just go on a third date and see how things play out?  

[BaileyB]

20 hours ago, babybrowns said:

It is more the incongruity of him not making any attempt to kiss me versus his wish to keep seeing me and go on vacation after just two dates.

Given, the vacation comment was odd but it’s not like he was booking hotels or anything. 

He’s basically telling you that he longs for a partner - someone to eat with, travel with, etc… That’s not a bad thing. What’s more - lots of people don’t like eating or travelling alone. Just because he said this does not mean that he sees you as a companion and not a love interest. 

And finally, there is no rule that says he is not attracted to you if he doesn’t kiss you after two dates. It’s insane to me that you have concluded that he wants you to be his companion after two dates with no kiss!! 

Honestly, you make so many assumptions about people and their intentions. It’s not fair to the people that you date. 

[princessaurora]

Hmm....It's possible he might be a little afraid to kiss you because he's worried he came on too strong at the party and drank too much. He obviously felt uneasy about it since he brought it up the next day. A similar thing happened to my daughter a few years ago where her now bf tried to make a move on her when he was drunk and he was scared to kiss her for the first few dates. It wasn't until her best friend made a comment to him at her birthday dinner basically telling him to sh%^ or get off the pot that he finally did. 😆 But he was doing other things that confirmed he was attracted to her, like holding her hand and little touches. Has he made any physical contact at all? 

Also,  you seem very insecure and believe me, guys can smell that like a bloodhound. You have to value yourself and stop being so negative. Lack of self esteem will drop your attraction in a heartbeat if it's written all over your face. 

Pretty much everyone wants companionship. It's a basic human need. That doesn't mean we're so desperate for it we'll take it from anyone, though. He may very well like you and is taking things slow because of how it started at the party, or because he doesn't know how to read you since you're probably only putting off insecure vibes. He may take that as a sign of disinterest. 

[babybrowns]

Hello all

Thank you for your further replies and inputs. Just to clarify a few things that seem to be propping up here:

- it was not just his hints of not liking to do things alone that made me think he was just after companionship: it was the combination of this and the apparent lack of interest in me. In other words, he was happy to continue seeing me and concretely speak of a vacation despite not being into me. 

- Yes a kiss after one or two dates might be soon but the issue is that there was zero other physical affection from him, or even flirting, for the entire duration of our two dates. Nothing other than friend vibes. Which again feeds into the earlier point.

- as some people are asking, yes the first time we met at the party I did feel a connection, but then on our two actual dates, I didn’t feel anything but differences between us. 

During our first meeting at the party, it was more the ‘mysterious and handsome stranger’ vibes that drew me in. Alcohol also helped make him more talkative than he is normally.
On our two actual dates, I saw how different we are. Eg he likes to keep himself completely shut off from the world, doesn’t watch TV or even the news for this reason (confessed that he doesn’t watch the news because he doesn’t want to know what’s going in the world). He hates most people as well as animals, even dogs. Hardly smiles or laughs, sees the world through a negative lens. Looks down on people who don’t have good jobs/wages and treats them dismissively.
These are just examples. We have many different outlooks on life in many other ways too besides this.
None of this was made evident that first night we met at the party, again perhaps due to his excessive consumption of alcohol that night / excitement at having met a girl and trying to make himself seem appealing to her. But seeing what he was actually like when sober, was more than enough to put me off. It wasn’t enough to put him off though, again which feeds into the ‘just wants a companion’ theory but which matters little here anyway- I do not wish to continue.

Once again thank you everyone for your replies. It is a shame that this turned out to be different from what I thought. But atleast I got the chance to explore it and arrive at that conclusion. I wish him luck!

Edited August 27, 2023 by babybrowns