MsJayne Posted July 30, 2023 Share Posted July 30, 2023 Hey everyone, I'd like points of view on this please. A point you need to know is that my partner has an old boat which he's been fixing up and it now just needs a run to see if everything's working. Saturday night, a few drinks around the fire-pit with our neighbours who we're good friends with, and the guys agree to take the boats out, (neighbours have their own boat), in the morning, early. The plan is to check my partner's boat is OK and then go fishing. I mentioned that I had to be somewhere at 10am, (couldn't change it), and so said I would stay home, go to my appt and then, assuming they were still out on the water, they could come pick me up from the boat ramp afterwards. All agreed, it's a plan. The following morning I was up at my usual time, 4.30 - 5.00am, (I think I was a bird in a past life), and my partner slumbered on as he always does. I woke him at about 6am, they'd agreed they were going down to the boat ramp at 6.30. A couple of minutes later I'm out on the verandah and the neighbour calls out to me to see if my partner is up. I called out to partner and he called back that he's not going. I passed the message on to the neighbour. When I asked partner why he's not going he said he didn't want to go if I wasn't coming, so I offered to just go down and help him launch the boat but he said no. Forward to later in the afternoon, neighbours are back from fishing and my partner goes over to say hello, etc. The neighbour is super-peeved and had a go at my partner for not going, and actually told him to leave. I won't say what I think about it all, I'm interested to hear what others think. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 30, 2023 Share Posted July 30, 2023 Were the neighbours planning on being up at that time and going fishing regardless of your husband's participation? Or were they up early BECAUSE your husband had made plans? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MsJayne Posted July 30, 2023 Author Share Posted July 30, 2023 (edited) 23 minutes ago, basil67 said: Were the neighbours planning on being up at that time and going fishing regardless of your husband's participation? Or were they up early BECAUSE your husband had made plans? They were going anyway so it's not like their plans changed for him. It was more that they were disappointed and annoyed at the last second cancellation. Edited July 30, 2023 by MsJayne add something Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 30, 2023 Share Posted July 30, 2023 33 minutes ago, MsJayne said: . I called out to partner and he called back that he's not going. I passed the message on to the neighbour. Let the dust settle. If the neighbors are upset he slept in and blew it off, they'll probably get over it soon enough. Maybe let him work it out with them. Hopefully you'll be friendly neighbors again soon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted July 30, 2023 Share Posted July 30, 2023 The neighbor was a bit rude and out of line in telling your partner to leave. Kind of unnecessarily confrontational response to the situation. Still, the neighbor was clearly frustrated because they thought your partner agreed to accompany them, and expected him to come along. The neighbors probably felt like he had wasted their time. The plan was to check that your partner's boat is OK and then go fishing. Does that mean that your neighbors were going to help him? If so, and your boyfriend ditched, yes, I can understand their frustration. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 30, 2023 Share Posted July 30, 2023 15 minutes ago, MsJayne said: They were going anyway so it's not like their plans changed for him. It was more that they were disappointed and annoyed at the last second cancellation. Yeah, the last second cancellation combined with not delivering the message personally. Given that they were going anyway, I find their reaction quite extreme. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted July 30, 2023 Share Posted July 30, 2023 The neighbors overreacted for sure. It was a bit much to actually yell at him like that and turn it into a verbal altercation. However, what your bf did was pretty inconsiderate as well and they do have a reason to be annoyed. He cancelled on them at the last minute for no good reason. Kind of a weird thing to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MsJayne Posted July 30, 2023 Author Share Posted July 30, 2023 17 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: Does that mean that your neighbors were going to help him? Yes, in the event that our outboard didn't cope they were going to be there to do coastguard duty. That was why I couldn't go, because if the boat conked any distance from the boat ramp I mightn't be able to get back to make my appt. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 30, 2023 Share Posted July 30, 2023 1 hour ago, MsJayne said: , neighbours are back from fishing and my partner goes over to say hello, etc. The neighbour is super-peeved and had a go at my partner for not going, and actually told him to leave. Has he apologized for blowing them off? That might mend fences. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 30, 2023 Share Posted July 30, 2023 (edited) I’d be more interested to know why your partner decided not to go. You not being there sounds more like an excuse to get out of something he might not have been keen with in the light of day (and sobered up). Do you suspect he was just lazy or maybe embarrassed about his boat /not sure he wanted any input from neighbours after all? The neighbour probably lashed out because he knew you not going with them was a cop out. Edited July 30, 2023 by glows Link to post Share on other sites
Alvi Posted July 30, 2023 Share Posted July 30, 2023 While I think the neighbour overreacted here, your partner should probably not make any promises or commitments if he is unwilling or unable to honor. Do you think your partner has trouble saying "no" to people and uses a passive-aggressive tactics as a way to weasel out of things that he is not keen on doing? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MsJayne Posted July 30, 2023 Author Share Posted July 30, 2023 11 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: He cancelled on them at the last minute for no good reason. Kind of a weird thing to do. I think this is why they're annoyed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MsJayne Posted July 30, 2023 Author Share Posted July 30, 2023 7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Has he apologized for blowing them off? That might mend fences. Apologise?! 😨 He's not known for admitting he's in the wrong 😂. But I wish he would. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MsJayne Posted July 31, 2023 Author Share Posted July 31, 2023 6 minutes ago, Alvi said: While I think the neighbour overreacted here, your partner should probably not make any promises or commitments if he is unwilling or unable to honor. Do you think your partner has trouble saying "no" to people and uses a passive-aggressive tactics as a way to weasel out of things that he is not keen on doing? No, he's a very up front sort of guy, but he can be rather insensitive towards other people though and doesn't understand why the neighbour got angry, hence he won't go and say sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MsJayne Posted July 31, 2023 Author Share Posted July 31, 2023 14 minutes ago, glows said: I’d be more interested to know why your partner decided not to go. You not being there sounds more like an excuse to get out of something he might not have been keen with in the light of day (and sobered up). Do you suspect he was just lazy or maybe embarrassed about his boat /not sure he wanted any input from neighbours after all? The neighbour probably lashed out because he knew you not going with them was a cop out. Maybe lazy, but definitely not embarrassed about his boat. He doesn't know what embarrassment even means, (which can be really embarrassing sometimes ). I think he just couldn't be bothered getting out of bed. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 31, 2023 Share Posted July 31, 2023 8 minutes ago, MsJayne said: Maybe lazy, but definitely not embarrassed about his boat. He doesn't know what embarrassment even means, (which can be really embarrassing sometimes ). I think he just couldn't be bothered getting out of bed. I know the feeling…… How did he react when the neighbour was upset? You all sound fairly familiar with one another so hopefully no hard feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 31, 2023 Share Posted July 31, 2023 22 minutes ago, MsJayne said: 😂. But I wish he would. Agree. Please don't take the blame for his rudeness. Try to stay friendly with your neighbors. If he wants to be a problem, all you can do is be your usual self and cordial to them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alvi Posted July 31, 2023 Share Posted July 31, 2023 He is not very reliable, is he? I've dealt with enough flaky people in my lifetime. So, yeah, I get why the neighbor got upset. I want to say that the neighbor is wrong here, but I can't. How do you think is your boyfriend going to feel or react if someone did the same thing to him? 8 minutes ago, MsJayne said: He doesn't know what embarrassment even means, (which can be really embarrassing sometimes ). I think he just couldn't be bothered getting out of bed. I think he lacks empathy if he is unable to understand how his actions (or inactions) may upset others. He doesn't have to agree with everything but at least he needs to try t to see where his neighbor is coming from. This doesn't sits well with you, hence you are asking others what they think about this situation. I would give his a pass if he is on a spectrum, I guess. But if not, this could be a major red flag down the road in the relationship. How is he treating you on a daily basis? Is he consistent and reliable with you at least? Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted July 31, 2023 Share Posted July 31, 2023 (edited) 1 hour ago, MsJayne said: Yes, in the event that our outboard didn't cope they were going to be there to do coastguard duty. That was why I couldn't go, because if the boat conked any distance from the boat ramp I mightn't be able to get back to make my appt. So, it makes sense that they would be upset. Albeit, asking him to leave is a bit much. That's a pretty strong reaction. Maybe they were worried about safety and were trying to protect you (or your boyfriend) from any potential danger since your boyfriend's boat was acting wonky. Either way, it's understandable that they were upset, but it could have been handled better. Maybe you can check in with your partner and see what he was thinking? That could help shed light on his decision and hopefully the situation can be diffused. From the sounds of it, it doesn't sound like your boyfriend cares to admit when he is wrong nor apologize. You have to take the lead in this situation and be the bigger person. Maybe together you could plan a way to them make it up to your neighbors for bailing last minute without notice. Being proactive will help to repair any damage and show that you both care a lot about your neighborhood relationship. Edited July 31, 2023 by Alpacalia 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MsJayne Posted July 31, 2023 Author Share Posted July 31, 2023 6 minutes ago, Alvi said: How is he treating you on a daily basis? Is he consistent and reliable with you at least? He's actually a very affectionate and loving guy, is generally a great partner and we're a happy and effective team, but he's also Mr Stubborn and sometimes Mr Arrogant, (like in this incident), but we all have our character faults. You're right about empathy, that's a trait he's not over-endowed with, but not so much that he's narcissistic, just can be insensitive to, or unaware of, other peoples viewpoints. As far as his friendship with the neighbour goes, they've actually known each other since high school and normally get along like a house on fire and are always helping each other out with stuff. I've actually in the last few minutes told him he needs to go over and apologise, not for not going, but for being rude about the way he did it and he's agreed to do that. 18 minutes ago, Alvi said: How do you think is your boyfriend going to feel or react if someone did the same thing to him? Probably crack the darks, and that's exactly what I just said to him, think about WHY the other person is cranky rather than focusing on HOW the message was delivered. I'm hoping by this afternoon all will be well between them again and they will be back to arguing over who is a better fisherman/pool player/beer drinker....... Link to post Share on other sites
Author MsJayne Posted July 31, 2023 Author Share Posted July 31, 2023 1 hour ago, glows said: How did he react when the neighbour was upset? You all sound fairly familiar with one another so hopefully no hard feelings. Surprised and hurt. That's his default reaction to anyone ever being annoyed at him. He's one of those guys who can fix anything, build anything, always ready to offer help if someone needs it, so in his mind any small social faux pas isn't worth mentioning. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 31, 2023 Share Posted July 31, 2023 Your husband was rude, plain and simple. Maybe this will be a wake-up call to him to treat other people with more consideration. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted July 31, 2023 Share Posted July 31, 2023 I think it's the fact that your partner wasn't even going to tell them he wasn't going that got them peeved. The moment you told them all you wouldn't be able to make it was when he should've said he wouldn't like to go without you. It sounds like he was just going to stay in bed and not say anything to them which is a little rude. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 31, 2023 Share Posted July 31, 2023 (edited) 11 hours ago, MsJayne said: the guys agree to take the boats out, (neighbours have their own boat), in the morning, early Who was the person who asked them to do this to begin with, and who set the time to be 6.30am? Was it your partner or you? I'm presuming the neighbours did not, since you said they "agreed", not that they "volunteered" or that they "suggested". Edited July 31, 2023 by Els Link to post Share on other sites
Ageless Wisdom23 Posted July 31, 2023 Share Posted July 31, 2023 Your partner messed up. He Agreed with the game plan. And even yours. I do not blame your neighbor for being upset. Not sure why your partner made an excuse like that(Using you as a scapegoat)But he now he has an enemy. Yikes!!! And you live next door.😒 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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