Is it ever worth pursuing a LDR if you have never met?

[lovesfool]

This time last year I matched with a guy on Tinder. He was in my city visiting for a week and wanted to meet. Due to various reasons we were never able to meet up, but we shared our Instagram accounts to keep in contact. He returned home which is over a 6 hour flight from where I live.

We have been messaging since then, and in the past few months this has been continuous. We have learned a lot about each other and I've grown to really like him. We've had a couple of video calls which went really well.

By chance, I will be flying near to his hometown for a vacation later this year. He suggested that we meet. In fact, he wanted to fly to my city for the sole reason of meeting me!

I'm not that much of a romantic and never thought that anything could materialise because of the distance, but he is the opposite. I think he truly wants to see if we're a match and if it could go anywhere.

If he was in the same city it would be a completely different story and I would have certainly pursued him, but is it crazy to even think about anything happening between us? At best, we get a few days together on my vacation and maybe he would visit me again later in the year if all went well, but how would you even sustain something like that?

Would I be better off not meeting him and avoid any possible attachment?

[basil67]

It's not crazy to think something might happen, but if you are hoping it could turn into something enduring, you'd have to close the distance with one or both of you moving.   As he's already opened the discussion, I think that it wouldn't hurt to discuss the logistics of 'what if'.   If you both discover that neither of you wants to move, then there's no point in meeting.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

.Would I be better off not meeting him and avoid any possible attachment?

Yes. It's better to date someone local, who you can meet in a timely manner and see regularly.

Not only to make sure they're real and not a scammer, but to avoid cyber relationships that are lonely and go nowhere.

Edited August 2, 2023 by Wiseman2

[BaileyB]

I’m not going to say that it can’t happen because I have a friend who met her husband in an online chat room. He lived in another country - he moved here, they just celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary, and they have two beautiful children… I thought it was risky but crazy romantic at the time - obviously, it’s worked out just fine. 

That said, what concerns me is that you haven’t really talked “in person” with this man. Just a couple video calls in the past year? I know that have messaged a lot but it’s not the same as spending time with someone. I worry that the messaging has created a false sense of intimacy and you have wasted a lot of time that Could have been spent pursuing other relationships.

Is it a bad idea to meet? I say, not really. It’s not like you are making a commitment to the man - you are meeting for dinner. 

That said, I strongly encourage you to manage your expectations. The chance that this will evolve into an actual romantic relationship are slim. And, if you were to meet and decide to pursue a LDR, you will need ti make plans to bring this together sooner than later - like my friends. 

Whatever you do, if he comes to your city do not let him stay with you. You have been communicating with him but he is essentially a stranger to you - manage your expectations and be safe. 

 

[BaileyB]

24 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Is it a bad idea to meet? I say, not really. It’s not like you are making a commitment to the man - you are meeting for dinner. 

I should say, it’s not like you are spending a lot of money to travel to see him and your holiday hinges on whether you get along after finally meeting in person! I worry about people who spend their hard earned money to go off chasing rainbows because the inevitable disappointment and regret must be crushing. 

If you are going to be near and he wants to put some effort into meeting, I don’t know that there is any harm in that. Just don’t make it the “focus” of your trip and don’t be too disappointed if it doesn’t pan out…

And finally  If you don’t meet him, I would really urge you to reconsider the amount of time you are investing into this pen pal relationship that is going nowhere… Relationships develop in person and there is a whole world out there to experience with other people who live locally…

[S2B]

Since no effort to actually meet has wasted a year of your life - I would say delete him and start dating people in your immediate area instead.

you could waste 5 years with no movement for an actual relationship. Don’t do that!

[glows]

It’s not for me. I would meet the person but unfortunately not be interested.

[glows]

I should clarify: If I’m aware the person wants a relationship or there’s something there I would not agree to meet.

You could just see how it goes but don’t string him along if you’re not feeling it in the first place.

[Alpacalia]

I can't say it's never happened either. My third cousin met his now wife from another state and two people from my Yoga class met their partners long distance.

I would go very slow and really take your time with each other. 

It IS a risk. You don't get to know each as well online as you do in person. And you're giving up a lot of potential and time to be with someone that you cannot be sure about.

Then there is finances. Pretty important. Both of you need to have the financial means and ability to travel. 

It's not something to go into on a whim without talking about this.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

Edited August 2, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Ageless Wisdom23]

LDR are one of the hardest to have and to hold.  But if two people make the effort to keep the lines of communication open and the trust along with This, It surely can work.  I am seeing so far so good.  Keep it going.  Only Mother Nature really knows how it goes.🥰

[JTSW]

LDR's only have potential if both parties are willing to make the effort in maintaining visits to each other.

I personally hate the idea of LDR's but I know It can work if that is what both parties really want.

I've seen it work.

My stepson met his current GF in the US (he lived in UK at the time) so a good 6 plus hour flight.

They both made the effort to visit each other, currently spending a year together in another country on a teaching visa.

When that's done, they will visit with family both UK and US then settle down somewhere together.

The way I see it, if you are both willing to make the effort with a view of one moving with the other then go for it.

If neither is willing to uproot and move to be the with the other then there is no point in pursuing it. 

[lovesfool]

Some interesting perspectives, thanks everyone. 

I've never really had a long distance relationship, unless a 2 hour drive is considered long. I don't want to get ahead of myself, that's why I'm being cautious about it. We could meet in person and we just don't hit it off. A very real risk.

I'm just not sure how people develop these kinds of relationships. You meet once for maybe a few days, then you go back home and don't see each other again for a couple of months, that's if you're lucky and both can afford it. A return flight could be $500 and you could rack up costs very quickly.

In reality I think someone has to make a commitment of moving closer, but I think it would be crazy to do that for someone you may have only met a handful of times. He's a romantic at heart and I'm not really, so it might be something he's willing to consider but I obviously would not encourage!

Also to those of you who say "I've wasted a year of my life", we are not in any kind of relationship. We have just spoken for a year with zero commitment. I am still dating, as is he (although he did say that he hasn't lately as his mind has been on someone else!).

[JTSW]

16 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

In reality I think someone has to make a commitment of moving closer,

Agreed that this should be a future goal with an LDR.

If neither is willing to do this or even discuss it then there's no point of continuing.

[BaileyB]

I think LDR “work best” when people have an established relationship before they go LD. So, you meet and get to know each other, you’ve been dating for some time and then he has to go away to school for a year or two. Two things that help - you already know each other well and the LDR is time limited - there is a plan to come back together.

Personally, I don’t think I could ever start a relationship with someone who lives far away. I just don’t think you can build a solid foundation without actually being together. And, that is the joy of having a relationship - you actually get to spend time together, cooking together, going on dates, cuddling on the sofa watching tv, having sex and falling asleep beside him, etc… I don’t have the money to travel that often. And, as you said, moving to be with someone you don’t know well is a HUGE risk. It wouldn’t be for me - but some people do it. 

Edited August 3, 2023 by BaileyB

[Alpacalia]

Before considering moving logistics just meet him if you're both interested. No need to think about who will be moving where at this juncture.

[BaileyB]

29 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Before considering moving logistics just meet him if you're both interested. No need to think about who will be moving where at this juncture.

Agree, but I think it’s ok to think ahead as it relates to managing expectations. 

If you meet and decide to date -  somebody, someday, is going to have to take a huge risk and make a big sacrifice. Otherwise, it is a complete and total waste of your time to be messaging “constantly” with this man and/or even spending the money to visit each other in person. The end game for most romantic relationships is usually to be together. If you are not prepared to do that, you are pretty much wasting each others time. 

That said, this is simply a meeting while you happen to be “in the neighbourhood” and you should manage your expectations as such. As Alpacalia said, you don’t even know if this is someone that you are interested in dating… no need to get too far ahead of yourself. 

Edited August 3, 2023 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, lovesfool said:

 we are not in any kind of relationship. We have just spoken for a year with zero commitment. I am still dating, 

This is a good idea. Date locally to have fun and company and potentially a relationship. This situation is more like penpals and "what if" daydreams. It seems like you know that the distance makes it improbable that it could lead to anything.

The key is not to avoid real dates with real men in favor of daydreaming. The lure of these relationships is that you can fill in all the reality of not even knowing them with fantasies you can build up in your mind about who they are.  

Edited August 3, 2023 by Wiseman2

[mark clemson]

Quote

Is it ever worth pursuing a LDR

Not for me, but everyone's different I suppose, as some people seem to find them appealing.

[Els]

7 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I'm just not sure how people develop these kinds of relationships. You meet once for maybe a few days, then you go back home and don't see each other again for a couple of months, that's if you're lucky and both can afford it. A return flight could be $500 and you could rack up costs very quickly.

If that's how you feel about it, then surely you have your answer?

Yes, LDRs are definitely rough in multiple aspects, and it's something you generally enter into only if you feel like there's something really special there, that could make it worth the trouble. In some cases, those people dated IRL and one of them had to move apart. In the case of my husband and I (together for over 15 years, LDR for 2 years and in-person for the remainder) we had met as acquaintances before, but developed our relationship online. We didn't start out intending to go into a LDR, but something just really clicked. Life is strange and doesn't always turn out the way you expect.

Would I go into a LDR with a person that I didn't feel that way about, though? Absolutely not.

21 hours ago, lovesfool said:

how would you even sustain something like that?

We met twice a year for a couple of weeks each time, and did that for 2 years. It was the most difficult part of our relationship by far, and I wouldn't recommend that anyone enter into that sort of arrangement lightly.

[S2B]

8 hours ago, lovesfool said:

Some interesting perspectives, thanks everyone. 

I've never really had a long distance relationship, unless a 2 hour drive is considered long. I don't want to get ahead of myself, that's why I'm being cautious about it. We could meet in person and we just don't hit it off. A very real risk.

I'm just not sure how people develop these kinds of relationships. You meet once for maybe a few days, then you go back home and don't see each other again for a couple of months, that's if you're lucky and both can afford it. A return flight could be $500 and you could rack up costs very quickly.

In reality I think someone has to make a commitment of moving closer, but I think it would be crazy to do that for someone you may have only met a handful of times. He's a romantic at heart and I'm not really, so it might be something he's willing to consider but I obviously would not encourage!

Also to those of you who say "I've wasted a year of my life", we are not in any kind of relationship. We have just spoken for a year with zero commitment. I am still dating, as is he (although he did say that he hasn't lately as his mind has been on someone else!).

Well - it seems like maybe a timeline should be placed on the “possibility” of being together - or not.

that way one of you makes the effort to BEING with the other person.

there’s no point if one of you isn’t making the plans to be at the same location - it’s just wasting time - UNLESS it works best given that many emotionally unavailable people do like/prefer to keep their love interest far away so they can’t get any closer. If that’s the case - then it’s worthless.

yes, many people simply don’t want someone to get close in proximity and emotionally. 

 

[glows]

20 hours ago, lovesfool said:

Some interesting perspectives, thanks everyone. 

I've never really had a long distance relationship, unless a 2 hour drive is considered long. I don't want to get ahead of myself, that's why I'm being cautious about it. We could meet in person and we just don't hit it off. A very real risk.

I'm just not sure how people develop these kinds of relationships. You meet once for maybe a few days, then you go back home and don't see each other again for a couple of months, that's if you're lucky and both can afford it. A return flight could be $500 and you could rack up costs very quickly.

In reality I think someone has to make a commitment of moving closer, but I think it would be crazy to do that for someone you may have only met a handful of times. He's a romantic at heart and I'm not really, so it might be something he's willing to consider but I obviously would not encourage!

Also to those of you who say "I've wasted a year of my life", we are not in any kind of relationship. We have just spoken for a year with zero commitment. I am still dating, as is he (although he did say that he hasn't lately as his mind has been on someone else!).

I did it when very young and we were separated by a waterway, strait of x y z. There was no logical thought process other than we thought the other was attractive and it felt like a good idea at the time. It was more difficult the longer time went on and we realized we didn’t like each other afterall. Ta da. The end.

You seem very analytical and prefer having solid reasonings to start something like this or be sure you won’t get hurt. Yet there are no guarantees in any relationship. 

Is it possible you may be placing too much importance in meeting or it not being a match. Maybe the fantasy ends and you value that fantasy in some way (and that’s not to say “fantasy” in a derogatory way but to separate fiction from the reality of everyday life and realizing you’re not attracted in person). Anyway I’d meet and see how it goes but don’t invest so much into this or place such a large significance in this working out. Hopefully he’s on the same page and not willfully hoping this turns into something regardless of what you feel. 

[lovesfool]

I will admit that I am a bit disillusioned by the dating scene where I am at the moment and have thought about moving abroad for a fresh start. It's not something I've looked into seriously, but I do think about occasionally. It's not beyond the realms of possibility that I would move to a different country to make a relationship work, but I think I would need to be head over heels to take that risk.

I'm under no illusions that it's crazy to think about moving now as I have never met him, but I'm just trying to get a sense of what happens in these situations. You could easily fall for someone after meeting the first time and then it spirals. I'm just trying to prepare myself I guess!

With the advent of working from home, in theory it could make meeting easier, although it would be a bit of a financial burden. I could ask you all as to how often would you need to meet to make it work, but I don't think there's any right answer and it's different for everyone.

[Alpacalia]

I haven't done long distance though I did entertain the idea. Truth was, I wasn't too keen towards him so I didn't go through with it in terms of exploring further where it could go... I feel it would have to be someone that I had already been in a relationship with or I felt that I had a deep connection with for me to consider long-distance. I don't do distance lightly - it comes with its own set of difficulties and requires patience and dedication.

That being said, I think it can work if both parties are willing to put in the effort and are both willing to compromise.

My sister on the other hand, what I love💞 about her, is that in situations like these she would say like is all about building connections even if it doesn't last. Whether it's long distance or not, she is open to all options just to see what may come out of it. Whether good or bad. That kind of mindset allows her to have a more free and open view on life, which I commend her for.

Your life is full of opportunities and you can make many wonderful connections when you are open to the world around you, especially when it comes to finding someone to share life with. The dating pool nowadays can be a bit of a tricky one to navigate, and I've definitely found that it can be a bit hit-and-miss when it comes to meeting people.

Depending on what kind of relationship you're looking for, meeting online can be a great way to connect with someone from another country. It can be an incredibly low-risk way to see if the potential is there, and it could also help to ease the transition period before taking the leap to meeting in person. I think it's a great idea to explore the online dating platform and not limit your relationship options to just what's in your immediate vicinity.

My suggestion is to start casually dating or seeing a potential partner for a while while you are still in the same country.

This would give you a chance to get to know them and to build a connection before you think about possibly moving overseas. It would also give you a chance to observe their behavior and to make sure that this is a relationship worth investing in before taking the big step. It's always tricky because you can never predict how it would turn out when you're in a different country, but it could still be a great opportunity in the end.

Edited August 4, 2023 by Alpacalia

[spiritedaway2003]

I'm sure it can (and has worked) worked for some people.  Every situation is different.

That said, you need to reset your expectations.  Instead of thinking about the meeting him as a romantic partner potential...

If you will be visiting near his city, meet in person first (of course, make sure you take safety measures) as an "acquaintance" (because that's all he is right now).   Maybe you'll quickly find out that he's not your type or you're not compatible and you can drop all the notions of a relationship.  And then you can focus on dating locally or just enjoy being single.

Or maybe you decide there is something there and you can see if it's something to explore.  And if it gets serious, then someone will have to move..eventually.  But you are nowhere there, so don't jump the gun yet (unless you know for sure you can't do LD). 

Personally, LD relationship isn't for me so I wouldn't even go there, but that's just me.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I will admit that I am a bit disillusioned by the dating scene where I am at the moment and have thought about moving abroad for a fresh start. 

Unfortunately this isn't a good reason to pursue cyber relationships. Because you seem to be running away from your local life and local disappointments. You're not really going towards anything in particular, but just thinking "what if there's something out there better than what's here". 

What you could do is rethink your local life. Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses, get a fun part-time job.

Broaden your social horizons and make friends and talk to men you see regularly and with common interests.That's not going to happen behind a screen chatting with strangers a continent away.

Please get a good profile and pics on paid quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local available men. Paid apps may offer more serious daters and better screening tools as far as distance and matching criteria.