Is it ever worth pursuing a LDR if you have never met?

[lovesfool]

57 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately this isn't a good reason to pursue cyber relationships. Because you seem to be running away from your local life and local disappointments. You're not really going towards anything in particular, but just thinking "what if there's something out there better than what's here". 

What you could do is rethink your local life. Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses, get a fun part-time job.

Broaden your social horizons and make friends and talk to men you see regularly and with common interests.That's not going to happen behind a screen chatting with strangers a continent away.

Please get a good profile and pics on paid quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local available men. Paid apps may offer more serious daters and better screening tools as far as distance and matching criteria. 

 

I've the local dating pool well pursued at this stage unfortunately! I'm from a relatively small city and it's the same faces over and over again. I've joined clubs and while I've enjoyed my time in them, nothing ever materialised romantically. I don't have an issue attracting men (without trying to sound egotistic!), I just don't click with that many suitors.

Initially I was speaking with this guy without any real thoughts about ever meeting. It didn't enter my head as an option. It wasn't something I had pursued, but my mind has started racing in the past number of weeks.

It really started when he said he was coming to my city for a friend's wedding and that he wanted to meet. It then turned out I would be unavailable the week he was here and so wouldn't be able to meet. So he decided not to RSVP for the wedding (he said he wasn't overly close to his friend) and said he would visit another time when I was available! I think that's when I started to feel more attraction to him as he went from this random guy on the internet to a tangible person that I may actually meet.

[Alpacalia]

On 8/2/2023 at 1:50 PM, lovesfool said:

Would I be better off not meeting him and avoid any possible attachment?

If you're willing to take the risk of possibly becoming more emotionally attached to this person, then it could be worth it to meet. On the other hand, if you are not comfortable with the thought of forming an attachment, then it might be better to remain as you currently are - online acquaintances. Ultimately, however, it's really up to you and your comfort level.

Meeting someone and seeing if you click can be exciting, but of course there is always a risk of developing feelings (whether that be romantic or friendly). So if you're worried about that, then I would advise against meeting him.

I wouldn't move somewhere solely for more dating opportunities. The most important thing when choosing a new location is to make sure that it is somewhere you want to live and that fits your lifestyle. Finding someone to date should take a back seat to finding a place you can happily call home.

Edited August 4, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Els]

On 8/4/2023 at 6:59 PM, lovesfool said:

I'm under no illusions that it's crazy to think about moving now as I have never met him, but I'm just trying to get a sense of what happens in these situations. You could easily fall for someone after meeting the first time and then it spirals. I'm just trying to prepare myself I guess!

It can happen, but I think this is a lot less likely than you'd think. The vast majority of first meets don't result in a long-term relationship - even though it's more likely to happen with someone whom you already have an online rapport with, the odds are still fairly low. That's why LDR couples are always, always advised to meet up ASAP. Far too many spend months or even years in a "relationship" with a person they've never met, and then when they meet they realize that they aren't attracted to them in person, or there's no chemistry, etc.

If you can easily meet without too much investment on your side, and you like him, why not just go for it? It may work out or it might not. But life isn't about reducing risks as much as possible... it's about, well, living. If you don't want to meet him then don't, but in that case why bother to keep talking?

[glows]

On 8/4/2023 at 6:57 AM, lovesfool said:

I've the local dating pool well pursued at this stage unfortunately! I'm from a relatively small city and it's the same faces over and over again. I've joined clubs and while I've enjoyed my time in them, nothing ever materialised romantically. I don't have an issue attracting men (without trying to sound egotistic!), I just don't click with that many suitors.

Initially I was speaking with this guy without any real thoughts about ever meeting. It didn't enter my head as an option. It wasn't something I had pursued, but my mind has started racing in the past number of weeks.

It really started when he said he was coming to my city for a friend's wedding and that he wanted to meet. It then turned out I would be unavailable the week he was here and so wouldn't be able to meet. So he decided not to RSVP for the wedding (he said he wasn't overly close to his friend) and said he would visit another time when I was available! I think that's when I started to feel more attraction to him as he went from this random guy on the internet to a tangible person that I may actually meet.

It’s okay to have these butterflies but I still think you’re building this up in your mind before having met. He may be broke or needing to be smart about his finances right now instead of making additional trips. I wouldn’t find it particularly flattering knowing someone sold out on a friend or being at their wedding, focusing instead on a gal he’s never met. The priorities are upside down (to me). Meet anyway if you want to but don’t let your thoughts get carried away.

[lovesfool]

23 hours ago, glows said:

It’s okay to have these butterflies but I still think you’re building this up in your mind before having met. He may be broke or needing to be smart about his finances right now instead of making additional trips. I wouldn’t find it particularly flattering knowing someone sold out on a friend or being at their wedding, focusing instead on a gal he’s never met. The priorities are upside down (to me). Meet anyway if you want to but don’t let your thoughts get carried away.

He's fine financially, particularly as he was willing to fly to visit me without prompting! Also, he wasn't a close friend with this person who invited him to the wedding. I'm sure you've been invited to weddings for couples you've no particular desire to attend!

As I said before, I'm not getting sucked into any delusions about this turning into a real relationship. I'm more curious as to others experiences and what may or may not happen.

Do you think it's a good idea to continue having regular video calls?

[Wiseman2]

Just now, lovesfool said:

Do you think it's a good idea to continue having regular video calls?

If you enjoy his company as sort of a penpal, that's fine as long as you don't forgo your local real life in favor of this.

[lovesfool]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you enjoy his company as sort of a penpal, that's fine as long as you don't forgo your local real life in favor of this.

No, there is no sacrifice being made here. It's not like I'm cancelling dates to stay in and call him!

[LivingWaterPlease]

On 8/9/2023 at 3:53 PM, lovesfool said:

As I said before, I'm not getting sucked into any delusions about this turning into a real relationship. I'm more curious as to others experiences and what may or may not happen.

Do you think it's a good idea to continue having regular video calls?

Based on your previous calls have you developed respect and trust? Are you seeing red flags with his character in any way? Do you look forward to your video calls with him because you like him or is it because you're bored or lonely only?

I'm presently in a LD R which began very casually through brief texts from him, someone I'd never met. We first met in person two years after that first contact.

We became engaged last month.

That said, it's been a very challenging journey. I would do it all over again, though.

 

[xxcazaxx]

Generally I have found that this forum is somewhat negative about long distance relationships, so you might get a different perspective from people say on reddit where there is a sub forum for people in long distance relationships where you can see many examples of where it has worked.  Don't get me wrong, having been in a long distance relationship I can attest to the fact that they can be hard but equally I think that you know whether or not its worth it.  For me, I couldnt imagine not being with my other half.  When starting all new relationships be they with someone near or far there is the risk of forming an attachment and then getting hurt, the distance doesn't change that.  Personally I don't see any harm in just meeting this other person and taking it from there, you never know what could happen.

[Samantha11]

I have had long distance relationships go very bad (read my last post) but also work out. I once moved halfway across the country to date a guy, and we dated for about a year and a half. He wanted to marry me, but he was not the one for me, although I ended up living there for a number of years after we broke up and really enjoyed my time there. 

I think the main thing though, in the one that worked, was that he was clearly interested and INVESTED in going out of his way to bring me there, and we took things very slow. He organized my flight, rental car, let me stay at his place while he crashed somewhere else, helped me to get a job so that I could afford to stay, etc. He was really taking the initiative to help us to be together. I think that if the guy is genuinely interested, it will show in how he treats you. If he just expects you to show up, and is barely involved in the process, I would run. If he pushes you for sex, I would run.

I would suggest having sincere conversations about it, feel him out, ask him questions. How does he see it going as a long term relationship? What would he do to make it work? What would he expect you to do? Really get an idea of where his head is, and then watch his actions. Take it slow and be cautious. I should have asked more questions in the one that did not work out I think, and gotten to know more of where his thoughts were. Good luck! 

[lovesfool]

On 8/14/2023 at 4:04 PM, LivingWaterPlease said:

Based on your previous calls have you developed respect and trust? Are you seeing red flags with his character in any way? Do you look forward to your video calls with him because you like him or is it because you're bored or lonely only?

I'm presently in a LD R which began very casually through brief texts from him, someone I'd never met. We first met in person two years after that first contact.

We became engaged last month.

That said, it's been a very challenging journey. I would do it all over again, though.

 

I have as much trust in him as I could have in a stranger from the internet! He seems sincerely interested in me and is very open and honest. He regularly asks the kind of "getting to know you" questions you'd have on a date so I feel I know him well, and he knows me.

At one point he asked me if I had any bad habits and I listed a couple, but he responded with a bunch of his own! None of them were red flags, but it's nice to know that he was very open and honest about himself.

I'm not bored or lonely and I do look forward to video calls with him. It can be a little awkward at times, but that's to be expected on any call I find.

On 8/23/2023 at 10:51 PM, Samantha11 said:

I have had long distance relationships go very bad (read my last post) but also work out. I once moved halfway across the country to date a guy, and we dated for about a year and a half. He wanted to marry me, but he was not the one for me, although I ended up living there for a number of years after we broke up and really enjoyed my time there. 

I think the main thing though, in the one that worked, was that he was clearly interested and INVESTED in going out of his way to bring me there, and we took things very slow. He organized my flight, rental car, let me stay at his place while he crashed somewhere else, helped me to get a job so that I could afford to stay, etc. He was really taking the initiative to help us to be together. I think that if the guy is genuinely interested, it will show in how he treats you. If he just expects you to show up, and is barely involved in the process, I would run. If he pushes you for sex, I would run.

I would suggest having sincere conversations about it, feel him out, ask him questions. How does he see it going as a long term relationship? What would he do to make it work? What would he expect you to do? Really get an idea of where his head is, and then watch his actions. Take it slow and be cautious. I should have asked more questions in the one that did not work out I think, and gotten to know more of where his thoughts were. Good luck! 

He is very clearly interested and invested in me. More than anyone I have ever dated if I am honest. He has already booked time off work to spend all of his available time with me when I'm visiting! Offered to let me stay at his and pick me up from the airport too. I had to turn down a lot of his offers because I am very cautious about this being technically a stranger, and that on the first meet we may not actually hit it off.

He has told me he has been in a long distance relationship before for two years. I think he said it was a 7 hour drive. Relationship ended for unrelated reasons and it sounds like he has no problem with long distance at all.

[LivingWaterPlease]

A long distance relationship can work well if both parties are faithful, steadfast and tenacious, besides caring for each other and being attracted to each other. I've seen many pull through. But, it's not for the faint of heart, for sure.

Also, count on travel to visit with each other being expensive and time consuming on a continuing basis. Could you/would you be able to afford travel to see each other or be able to relocate if things progress?  Just something to consider.

It sounds to me from what you've posted that you and he will pursue the R.  If so, expect to have challenges related to the distance factor and give it all you've got. '

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, lovesfool said:

. He has already booked time off work to spend all of his available time with me when I'm visiting! Offered to let me stay at his and pick me up from the airport too. 

When are you visiting? Have you made reservations for flights and hotels? 

[lovesfool]

14 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

A long distance relationship can work well if both parties are faithful, steadfast and tenacious, besides caring for each other and being attracted to each other. I've seen many pull through. But, it's not for the faint of heart, for sure.

Also, count on travel to visit with each other being expensive and time consuming on a continuing basis. Could you/would you be able to afford travel to see each other or be able to relocate if things progress?  Just something to consider.

It sounds to me from what you've posted that you and he will pursue the R.  If so, expect to have challenges related to the distance factor and give it all you've got. '

I understand that there are challenges with LDR. I have not had much luck in the dating world and I would prefer to have a challenging long distance relationship with someone I care about instead of no relationship at all! I'm also aware that the first meeting may not go according to plan, or if we eventually venture into something sexual that we may even be incompatible. Who knows what could happen.

14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

When are you visiting? Have you made reservations for flights and hotels? 

I am visiting next month. My flights and hotel have all been booked before we fully agreed we would meet as I was visiting the area regardless.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

I am visiting next month. My flights and hotel have all been booked before we fully agreed we would meet as I was visiting the area regardless.

That's great. It's good to finally close the gap and meet in person. This way you're not in limbo as to who this really is and what the possibilities really are.

[lovesfool]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's great. It's good to finally close the gap and meet in person. This way you're not in limbo as to who this really is and what the possibilities really are.

I don't think I ever saw him as a "real" person until it turned out I would be very close to where he lived. I was happy to talk to him for nearly a year, but it was almost like I was just being friendly and he was some kind of pen pal! The potential of meeting him in person completely changed how I viewed him so I think I was only in limbo from when I realised we could meet.

I don't know how that reflects on me or this arrangement, but it's like a switch was flicked all of a sudden and I'm a lot more attracted to him now.

[LivingWaterPlease]

On 8/28/2023 at 12:14 PM, lovesfool said:

I don't think I ever saw him as a "real" person until it turned out I would be very close to where he lived. I was happy to talk to him for nearly a year, but it was almost like I was just being friendly and he was some kind of pen pal! The potential of meeting him in person completely changed how I viewed him so I think I was only in limbo from when I realised we could meet.

I don't know how that reflects on me or this arrangement, but it's like a switch was flicked all of a sudden and I'm a lot more attracted to him now.

Seems to me that's really a good way to have been over the past year. You probably got to know him better without thinking of him as a possibility than if you'd been counting on the R developing into something.