I was planning to break up with my boyfriend, but he bought me gifts. Feeling a tad bit guilty.

[lady_mkay]

Hey everyone! So I'm definitely not new to the forum, I just forgot my login/password because I haven't been here in a while...

My boyfriend (26M) and I (29F) have been dating for almost 3 years, and have been living together for 1 1/2 years. Things REALLY got worse within our relationship once we moved in with each other. To summarize all of our relationship problems into 1, I'd say that my boyfriend has problems respecting boundaries I've communicated. Some examples include:

- I communicated with him that I cannot work in the same room with him while he's playing a game called League of Legends - not only does he click the mouse a lot, but he would constantly yell. He says he understands and promises not to do it again. Literally 2 HOURS LATER, I hear clicking... and then he starts yelling "F*CK". I leave the room.

- In the beginning of the relationship, I told him that I do not want to have raw sex because I'm not ready for any potential babies. He agreed. And yet, once we started to get intimate, he went through a phase where he would try to enter in me raw, even though I would constantly tell him "no" or "put on a condom".

- Not going to go into too many details, but there have been a handful of times where I told him that I do not like phone usage of any kind while we're intimate. And yet, from Oct 2022 til around February 2023, he would pull out his phone while I was going down on him. And when I would look up at him, he would hide his phone underneath a pillow. When I finally confronted him, because at the time I thought he was recording me, he tells me he's sorry - he was "looking at notifications" but knew I didn't like phone usage in bed, so that's why he would hide his phone.

There are plentyyy more stories I can list out, but you get the picture.

Now on to the main story - both he and I are gamers, but he seems to game much more frequently than me. A problem that started once we moved in with each other is that he would constantly play the game League of Legends all day and all night, and as a result we weren't hanging out with each other. Not only that, but he was always playing with other women he would meet online, even an ex-crush of his that he would call his best friend. They would play for 6+ hours each day, and there was a period where we would date once every 2 months. Man, did I speak to him about this multiple times... first, I was concerned about his wellbeing and asked if he was depressed. He said no. I then had multiple talks about how I wish we spent more time together; how I wish we can game together like we used to; etc. He would agree, but not make any changes. I would tell him that I don't mind if he games with other women, it just bothers me that he prioritizes playing with them over me. He says he would change, but never had. It also came to the point where in May/June of this year, he started to lie - he would be on a Discord call with another girl, and I'd hear him whispering about things unrelated to the game and more personal, but when I would ask him what he's up to, he would say "oh nothing, just scrolling through YouTube".

It came to the point where in October of 2022, I was thinking of breaking up with him, but it was tough to do. I messaged my friend about this, but then in June 2023 of this year, my boyfriend just so happened to go through my phone and found this message thread. We had a talk and he said he would be a changed man from now on, and he doesn't want to lose me.

And he was for a couple of weeks! I introduced him to another game called Genshin. We both started playing the game at the same time, and he ended up becoming addicted to it. But I did take notice that he would never ask me to play with him, even when we were both free.

Well, he joined this Discord server for adult gamers, and met a girl on there who's obsessed with this game. Now I would join the chats with them only twice, when they were playing with each other, but the girl would neverrr acknowledge me, even when I said hi. She was only into my boyfriend's gameplay, even asking for his opinions on different parts of story, or helping him out in the game. My boyfriend shared that they befriended each other on Discord, and he showed me a message thread about them talking about Genshin, and him even asking to let her know when she's down to play with him, something he's NEVER said to me. Needless, I started to get weird vibes from her.

Well, starting this Monday, he started to play with her and do side-quests with her, only. He played with her from 6pm until 1AM. Yesterday, he did the same - except from 8PM until 1AM again. This completely made me feel like sh*t - I introduced this game to him so it can be something that we can play together - even clearly stating that - but already he's spent more time playing with this online girl than me. Not once has he asked to play the game with me, though we started at the same time. And now, it's just like how things were in the beginning of the year.

So I mentally made the note that I'm going to break up with him. I guess he noticed my change in attitude, and would ask me what's wrong, and I would tell him everything is fine - I'm honestly tired of talking about this issue with him. I noticed that whenever he would ask me, he would ask with a smirk. I even called my mom and told her that I plan to break up with him on Sunday. I started apartment searching yesterday and requested to tour a few apartments nearby.

Well, this morning I wake up to my boyfriend buying me roses, a teddy bear, and a card with a loving note in it. He also made me breakfast, and prepared my coffee when I went to use the bathroom.

Now I feel this weird sense of guilt, but still much much more anger/resentment. My mind is still on break up mode because gifts don't resolve the issue at hand. But I can't get this guilt out of me...

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, lady_mkay said:

 I started apartment searching yesterday and requested to tour a few apartments nearby.

Sorry this is happening. Agree your relationship seems toxic, almost abusive if you include pressure for unprotected sex, cursing and other unmanageable behavior. He seems incredibly immature. 

Is it his place, your place or do you co-lease?  Read up on abusive relationships. Especially "the cycle of violence" concept of honeymoon and kiss and make up periods when you want to leave.

Enlist the help of trusted friends and family about extricating yourself for good and seriously look for other accommodations.

[Ageless Wisdom23]

These flowers and Teddy Bears are nothing but Guilt on his own end.  He may be feeling guilty because of all that he has done with these girls online and excluding you in every way.  He is a player, cheater and more.  I could never trust him..And guess what?  He will only continue and even worsen.  Could even go further with the cheating.  if you feel he is worth staying for because he bought you off with Roses and a Bear, Then stay. Other than That, He is using them as a tool to keep you around.  Find an apartment and just start a new life. He is not good enough for you.😒

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, lady_mkay said:

Well, this morning I wake up to my boyfriend buying me roses, a teddy bear, and a card with a loving note in it. He also made me breakfast, and prepared my coffee when I went to use the bathroom.

Now I feel this weird sense of guilt, but still much much more anger/resentment. My mind is still on break up mode because gifts don't resolve the issue at hand. But I can't get this guilt out of me...

Oh absolutely not.  You have decided to break up with him, and these gifts that he got you have NOTHING to do with that.  A few gifts are not a reason to stay in a bad relationship, and they do not make up for all the problems that have been going on for a long time.  If he truly wanted to save this relationship he had many chances.  He can't manipulate you into staying by giving you a few material things.  Stick to your plan to end this relationship.

[lady_mkay]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Agree your relationship seems toxic, almost abusive if you include pressure for unprotected sex, cursing and other unmanageable behavior. He seems incredibly immature. 

Is it his place, your place or do you co-lease?  Read up on abusive relationships. Especially "the cycle of violence" concept of honeymoon and kiss and make up periods when you want to leave.

Enlist the help of trusted friends and family about extricating yourself for good and seriously look for other accommodations.

Thanks, thankfully we co-lease. And I definitely know about the cycle of abuse, hence why the gift-giving scares me a bit.

[lady_mkay]

3 hours ago, Ageless Wisdom23 said:

These flowers and Teddy Bears are nothing but Guilt on his own end.  He may be feeling guilty because of all that he has done with these girls online and excluding you in every way.  He is a player, cheater and more.  I could never trust him..And guess what?  He will only continue and even worsen.  Could even go further with the cheating.  if you feel he is worth staying for because he bought you off with Roses and a Bear, Then stay. Other than That, He is using them as a tool to keep you around.  Find an apartment and just start a new life. He is not good enough for you.😒

Definitely don't think he's worth staying due to the gifts, but I can't shake this feeling of guilt. 

I don't think he's a cheater, but your point just pointed something else out to me... The game allows up to 4 people to play. He could've came up to me and ask to play with them if his promise/my feelings meant anything to him...

[lady_mkay]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

Oh absolutely not.  You have decided to break up with him, and these gifts that he got you have NOTHING to do with that.  A few gifts are not a reason to stay in a bad relationship, and they do not make up for all the problems that have been going on for a long time.  If he truly wanted to save this relationship he had many chances.  He can't manipulate you into staying by giving you a few material things.  Stick to your plan to end this relationship.

Thanks, I believe you. After he gave me the gift, he even told me "oh yea, I was planning to do this last week where I got the gift and then left it on your desk so you'll see it as soon as you wake up, but I forgot!" Yea, right.

[Bue-aidez]

3 hours ago, lady_mkay said:

Hey everyone! So I'm definitely not new to the forum, I just forgot my login/password because I haven't been here in a while...

My boyfriend (26M) and I (29F) have been dating for almost 3 years, and have been living together for 1 1/2 years. Things REALLY got worse within our relationship once we moved in with each other. To summarize all of our relationship problems into 1, I'd say that my boyfriend has problems respecting boundaries I've communicated. Some examples include:

- I communicated with him that I cannot work in the same room with him while he's playing a game called League of Legends - not only does he click the mouse a lot, but he would constantly yell. He says he understands and promises not to do it again. Literally 2 HOURS LATER, I hear clicking... and then he starts yelling "F*CK". I leave the room.

- In the beginning of the relationship, I told him that I do not want to have raw sex because I'm not ready for any potential babies. He agreed. And yet, once we started to get intimate, he went through a phase where he would try to enter in me raw, even though I would constantly tell him "no" or "put on a condom".

- Not going to go into too many details, but there have been a handful of times where I told him that I do not like phone usage of any kind while we're intimate. And yet, from Oct 2022 til around February 2023, he would pull out his phone while I was going down on him. And when I would look up at him, he would hide his phone underneath a pillow. When I finally confronted him, because at the time I thought he was recording me, he tells me he's sorry - he was "looking at notifications" but knew I didn't like phone usage in bed, so that's why he would hide his phone.

There are plentyyy more stories I can list out, but you get the picture.

Now on to the main story - both he and I are gamers, but he seems to game much more frequently than me. A problem that started once we moved in with each other is that he would constantly play the game League of Legends all day and all night, and as a result we weren't hanging out with each other. Not only that, but he was always playing with other women he would meet online, even an ex-crush of his that he would call his best friend. They would play for 6+ hours each day, and there was a period where we would date once every 2 months. Man, did I speak to him about this multiple times... first, I was concerned about his wellbeing and asked if he was depressed. He said no. I then had multiple talks about how I wish we spent more time together; how I wish we can game together like we used to; etc. He would agree, but not make any changes. I would tell him that I don't mind if he games with other women, it just bothers me that he prioritizes playing with them over me. He says he would change, but never had. It also came to the point where in May/June of this year, he started to lie - he would be on a Discord call with another girl, and I'd hear him whispering about things unrelated to the game and more personal, but when I would ask him what he's up to, he would say "oh nothing, just scrolling through YouTube".

It came to the point where in October of 2022, I was thinking of breaking up with him, but it was tough to do. I messaged my friend about this, but then in June 2023 of this year, my boyfriend just so happened to go through my phone and found this message thread. We had a talk and he said he would be a changed man from now on, and he doesn't want to lose me.

And he was for a couple of weeks! I introduced him to another game called Genshin. We both started playing the game at the same time, and he ended up becoming addicted to it. But I did take notice that he would never ask me to play with him, even when we were both free.

Well, he joined this Discord server for adult gamers, and met a girl on there who's obsessed with this game. Now I would join the chats with them only twice, when they were playing with each other, but the girl would neverrr acknowledge me, even when I said hi. She was only into my boyfriend's gameplay, even asking for his opinions on different parts of story, or helping him out in the game. My boyfriend shared that they befriended each other on Discord, and he showed me a message thread about them talking about Genshin, and him even asking to let her know when she's down to play with him, something he's NEVER said to me. Needless, I started to get weird vibes from her.

Well, starting this Monday, he started to play with her and do side-quests with her, only. He played with her from 6pm until 1AM. Yesterday, he did the same - except from 8PM until 1AM again. This completely made me feel like sh*t - I introduced this game to him so it can be something that we can play together - even clearly stating that - but already he's spent more time playing with this online girl than me. Not once has he asked to play the game with me, though we started at the same time. And now, it's just like how things were in the beginning of the year.

So I mentally made the note that I'm going to break up with him. I guess he noticed my change in attitude, and would ask me what's wrong, and I would tell him everything is fine - I'm honestly tired of talking about this issue with him. I noticed that whenever he would ask me, he would ask with a smirk. I even called my mom and told her that I plan to break up with him on Sunday. I started apartment searching yesterday and requested to tour a few apartments nearby.

Well, this morning I wake up to my boyfriend buying me roses, a teddy bear, and a card with a loving note in it. He also made me breakfast, and prepared my coffee when I went to use the bathroom.

Now I feel this weird sense of guilt, but still much much more anger/resentment. My mind is still on break up mode because gifts don't resolve the issue at hand. But I can't get this guilt out of me...

It's been really tough for you, I'm sorry about that. 

Does he always buy you gifts and make you coffee?

Also, the thing you wanted most he has not been providing. Don't mind the miniature stuff, keep looking at the bigger picture. 

[lady_mkay]

1 hour ago, Bue-aidez said:

It's been really tough for you, I'm sorry about that. 

Does he always buy you gifts and make you coffee?

Also, the thing you wanted most he has not been providing. Don't mind the miniature stuff, keep looking at the bigger picture. 

Thank you, I will look at the bigger picture. Regarding gifts - no, not really. The last time I received flowers from him was Valentines day in 2021. On Valentines Day and on my birthday this year, he stopped by the store and bought me gifts the day of. On regular days, he'd usually go to the store after work multiple times a week and buy himself some chocolates/a drink, but would never bring back anything for me. And sometimes he'd make coffee for me, but would never finish making my drink that I started.

[MsJayne]

I'm really not sure why you would feel guilty. Your boyfriend is ignorant, rude, and downright juvenile. He's noticed you cooling off, surprisingly, because he doesn't sound like he takes too much notice of anything, hence he's gone into damage control.  The story about him using his 'phone during sex....that's very disturbing. Given that he appears to have limited conscience and limited intelligence I'd be very concerned about what he was up to, you don't want to find out he's been recording you and sharing that with other people. And even if he was just texting...what a pig! Then there's the noisy gaming when he knows you're trying to work, this alone would make me homicidal. That's like living with a needy toddler that starts misbehaving when they don't get attention. After the way he's been treating you roses and teddy bears don't even begin to make it right, especially given that it's so obviously a manipulation tactic.  Once he thinks the equilibrium's restored he'll revert back to his true self. I suggest that on the day you move out you spear the teddy bear to the kitchen wall with a carving knife and then walk out the door and forget this fool. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, lady_mkay said:

, thankfully we co-lease.

If you are not ready to move, or break up, why look for places? However continue to speak frankly with trusted friends and family confidentiality. Keep the lines of sanity and outside communication open. But privately.

Make sure all your devices are secured with passcodes. Try not to talk about ending things in a roundabout way that he accidentally (on purpose) finds out. Or posture about leaving to encourage makeup behavior.

Unfortunately you seem undecided about whether to stay or leave. It's not about coffee and chocolate. It's a general inability to get along and be happy with someone this immature and difficult and addicted to gaming.

Edited August 3, 2023 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

The gifts are simply an attempt to manipulate you, OP. 

You feel guilty, but he sure doesn't seem to feel guilty for his own bad behaviour with you. There have been so many dump-worthy moments along the way and it's time to actually go through with it. 

He's an awful excuse for a boyfriend. 

[JTSW]

I remember your past posts about this guy.

Nothing has changed and nothing ever will.

He loves female attention and has no consideration for you feelings about it.

Makes empty promises.

You are a comfort blanket to him, nothing more, and when he feels it start to slip off, he throws gifts at it to keep it on.

Going through your phone and reading your messages is disgusting behaviour.

He is never going to change hun.

You deserve sooo much better than this.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, lady_mkay said:

My boyfriend (26M) and I (29F) have been dating for almost 3 years, and have been living together for 1 1/2 years. Things REALLY got worse within our relationship once we moved in with each other.  

Unfortunately you're not compatible or happy but just seem to coexist living together. Is this the same man?:

 

[Alpacalia]

You're getting a guilt trip over saving yourself from toxicity because you're still inside the abuse.

You can usually expect manipulators to shower you with gifts and attention once they realize it is time for you to leave.

It is a tactic your boyfriend uses to guilt you into staying.

This boils down to you...

Your "guilt" is a clue that this seems to be something you need to be aware of about yourself (maybe a desire to fix your boyfriend...) and that you absolutely need to work on if you don't want any more toxic men in your life. 

Maybe you are drawn to troubled guys because of some fragmented understanding about yourself and how you connect with others - toxic guys can target you, too. They have an almost clairvoyant sense of your underdeveloped boundaries and enhanced capacity for suffering on their behalf.

For your own health and peace of mind, chat with a therapist. It can help with the pain and guilt and get you thinking more actively about who you let into your heart.

[stillafool]

You need to raise your bar if some flowers and a teddy bear can make you change your decision to leave a toxic relationship.  Your bf was probably looking at porn on his phone while you were going down on him.  How disrespectful.  You should already be gone by now.  How many chances are you going to give this guy?

[JTSW]

@lady_mkay you do know that when a guy gives their partner gifts for no apparent reason, it's because of a guilty conscience right? 

[Lotsgoingon]

Gifts of this sort are utterly utterly useless, utterly without value.

The only gifts that truly matter are super-specific gifts that help a partner fulfill an interest or a goal. I was working on a research project and one of my exes gave me the best book touching on this subject--a book I didn't have. That was a good gift, totally tailored toward me and my interest and my life. 

Time to grow up. There is NEVER a good time to break up with someone. NEVER. There is Christmas season coming up, or a planned vacation coming up, or tickets to a concert that you and a partner planned to go to together. Your partner's mother has a birthday party coming up and you already agreed to attend. Or the partner's father just suffered a heart attack. There is NEVER an ideal time if by ideal you mean one that is less hurting or less abrupt.

Breakups are by definition cold and abrupt. They are disruptive, sometimes brutal. And that's totally ethically fine. Because you break up when someone so that your true feelings are now aligned with the relationship you have with the person. 

If you want to feel guilty, feel guilty that you are dating someone that you don't want to be with. That's the ethical violation. You are out of integrity with yourself. Bottom line: your guilt radar is broken. You may need to go to therapy to fix that. And as stillafool said, if a teddy bear and flowers change your mind, then you aren't serious about your life. You don't respect yourself. 

[ShyViolet]

13 hours ago, lady_mkay said:

Definitely don't think he's worth staying due to the gifts, but I can't shake this feeling of guilt. 

Ok, fine.  It's possible to feel bad about the hurt feelings that it will cause to break up with your bf, to feel a little guilty about that, but still know that breaking up with the person is the right thing to do and needs to happen.  Breakups are difficult and cause hurt feelings on both sides.  That's normal.  You can feel that while still knowing that you need to end the relationship.  The hurt feelings, the guilt, will go away.

[Alvi]

I totally get how you feel. Breaking up with someone is a very difficult, heartwretching thing to do most of the times. Almost nobody wants to be a bad guy and to break up with somebody but at times  there is no other choice. You sounds like a very nice person and I think that you deserve a lot better than this guy is able to give you. Really, considering staying in a bad, dead-end relationship just because someone spent a $15-25 dollars on you? Or any money or gifts for that matter.

 What is the alternative here, OP? Staying with this guy and excusing all his bad behavior?  Getting pregnant and ending up marrying him and living a long unhappy life? Is this what you want for yourself and hypothetical future children? Sure, breaking up is going to be hard on you and you are going to be sad for a while. You might get upset, he might get upset but it shall pass. You will bounce back and pretty sure he will be fine as well (considering that there are other women waiting for him in the wings).

 

[lady_mkay]

Hey everyone, thank you so much for the advice! You are all correct. Here are some of my replies to some questions - not just to inform, but also for my personal record...

1. Yes, I was the one who created the thread about him following the IG models. As stated in there, it was not the actual following/liking that got under my skin, it was the actual lying about it. I had a feeling that this was a red flag that could potentially lead to other issues, and unfortunately it did....

2. After doing some thinking, I now understand why I feel guilty. The first reason is because in general, I'm not upset over him playing games with other girls in practice. I know this because my ex used to play games with girls, and I did not care at all. Same with my current boyfriend - prior to us moving in with each other, he would tell me he's playing games with another girl, and I didn't think twice about it. So it just feels weird to me that I care so much now, but I now know why - it's not the actual "playing games" part, but the actual "lack of prioritization" part. I also feel guilty because I do admit, I was passive aggressive about this... he'd ask me if I'm okay, and I'll say "Yes", though I was super upset. I didn't feel like communicating about it because I have so much in the past year, and I felt emotional exhausted. I didn't think communicating this would resolve anything.

3. I am seeing a therapist. We had a discussion yesterday about this that opened my eyes to other things. I haven't mentioned this in this post nor the other, since it's irrelevant, but my boyfriend has done other stuff that my therapist believes are abusive. During our session, I realized that I'm more fearful of breaking up with him, due to his aggressive nature (he's never been violent towards me, but he's done other stuff...). So she referred me to a women's DA hotline, and I was on the phone with them, talking about exit plan strategies.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, lady_mkay said:

 my boyfriend has done other stuff that my therapist believes are abusive.  she referred me to a women's DA hotline, and I was on the phone with them, talking about exit plan strategies.

Excellent you're taking steps to extricate yourself from this.

[Alpacalia]

Yes, your boyfriend is controlling your behavior by making you upset when he chooses to play games with another girl, manipulating you through his lack of prioritization of your feelings, and by intimidating you through his passive-aggressive behavior. These are all examples of emotional abuse, and it is good that you are now becoming aware of the warning signs of further abuse and are taking steps to protect yourself.

I commend you for recognizing and challenging such dangerous behavior, and it will take some work, but it IS possible to escape toxic relationships. That's great that you reached out to a women's DA hotline and you're working on exit strategies.

Be safe and keep reaching out. 

Love is not supposed to hurt or make you anxious. You deserve someone who is capable of showing and receiving love without manipulation or control.

[Alvi]

11 hours ago, lady_mkay said:

During our session, I realized that I'm more fearful of breaking up with him, due to his aggressive nature (he's never been violent towards me, but he's done other stuff...). So she referred me to a women's DA hotline, and I was on the phone with them, talking about exit plan strategies.

Please end things with him ASAP. Stay safe!

[Bue-aidez]

On 8/3/2023 at 1:04 PM, lady_mkay said:

Thank you, I will look at the bigger picture. Regarding gifts - no, not really. The last time I received flowers from him was Valentines day in 2021. On Valentines Day and on my birthday this year, he stopped by the store and bought me gifts the day of. On regular days, he'd usually go to the store after work multiple times a week and buy himself some chocolates/a drink, but would never bring back anything for me. And sometimes he'd make coffee for me, but would never finish making my drink that I started.

Looks like it's an unusual act, and it's not worth feeling bad over. You gots this! I believe in you!