They tell me they like me after I'm gone

[Alvi]

They were probably not that interested in the past. Or too shy to ask you out. Or they didn't think that they had a chance with you for whatever reason. Who knows. 

What matters is here and now. What stopping them from asking you out now? You are single, they are single (I presume). Sure, a long distance might be a bit of a challenge but not if someone is truly interested. I think it is more than likely a wishful thinking on their part. They admire you when you far away but don't want to explore things further with you. I wouldn't give it a second thought unless they do something about it now. Like asking you out now, for example.

[NuevoYorko]

They obviously were not that interested or they would have done something about it.  Sure one or two of them may have been too shy, and plenty of them weren't interested in any kind of long distance thing while text buddies would be fine and maybe even sexting if you're both into that.   But what does it matter "why"?  They were not motivated to do anything about it.

I think in your case, though, there is a big area of fantasizing on your own part.   Probably you are taking things out of context to a certain extent in order to keep your narrative that you tell yourself that most guys who speak to you or look at you probably are crazy about you.   That's not real life.

[Kassieee]

49 minutes ago, Alvi said:

They were probably not that interested in the past. Or too shy to ask you out. Or they didn't think that they had a chance with you for whatever reason. Who knows. 

What matters is here and now. What stopping them from asking you out now? You are single, they are single (I presume). Sure, a long distance might be a bit of a challenge but not if someone is truly interested. I think it is more than likely a wishful thinking on their part. They admire you when you far away but don't want to explore things further with you. I wouldn't give it a second thought unless they do something about it now. Like asking you out now, for example.

The ones who usually tell me this are more of the more quiet guys in the friend group, who don't smoke or drink.

 

Go figure. I always end up with guys who are womanizers!!  I'm more picky now

Edited August 3, 2023 by justaskingok

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, justaskingok said:

Yes makes no sense...why tell me now? 

I often visit NYC because I have family there. i have two different cousins whose friends are interested in me....but when i was there they barely talked to me. Now want my socials to communicate. Could've asked me yourself!!! 

If they are interested in you they would stike up a conversation and try to be alone with you.  If your cousin told you they are interested I wouldn't believe her.  Why wouldn't they themselves just tell you that?

[Kassieee]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

If they are interested in you they would stike up a conversation and try to be alone with you.  If your cousin told you they are interested I wouldn't believe her.  Why wouldn't they themselves just tell you that?

My cousins are guys. And no not all people will spark a conversation in person if they are interested. 

They are interested because they ask my cousins for my socials, as I said. My cousins wouldn't lie. And the guys end up telling me themselves.

[Kassieee]

19 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

They obviously were not that interested or they would have done something about it.  Sure one or two of them may have been too shy, and plenty of them weren't interested in any kind of long distance thing while text buddies would be fine and maybe even sexting if you're both into that.   But what does it matter "why"?  They were not motivated to do anything about it.

I think in your case, though, there is a big area of fantasizing on your own part.   Probably you are taking things out of context to a certain extent in order to keep your narrative that you tell yourself that most guys who speak to you or look at you probably are crazy about you.   That's not real life.

Thats not true, I don't think that every guy that looks at me is crazy about me. But if that's the way you interrupt it, I guess. But it's not true that's not real life.

It's really basic stuff. Nothing to take out of context. It's happened that guys tend to confess to liking me after the fact. Trust.

[Kassieee]

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

OK, but that would explain why they don’t let you know until you’re gone. 

I also think generally, people  will tell you after the fact just to see your reaction, and they won't feel as embarrassed if you have a bad reaction. Especially them shy ones. 

It's easier when you don't have to face them. Can't relate.

 

[Versacehottie]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

never saw you as dating or GF material.

I also agree with this. I don't think that these guys see you as girlfriend material. Just commenting on what I see here in your posts as well--that would immediately come to my mind. 

I would question what you mean by they "like" you after you are done with them...do you mean that they come back interesting in dating you or rather hooking up or just in contact? If it's hooking up or just being in contact which you are classifying as dating, I would say that is probably just them interested in an easy hookup or someone they feel will be or the ego game that they want to test your interest level to boost their own ego of how attractive they are to someone that was once interested in them. I take it to mean that they are still not trying to be your boyfriend even when they come back, right? 

If I'm being completely honest, I feel like you have some type of social disconnect that I can't really explain or don't want to hypothesize too much. Idk it feels like either some type of being a loner, loneliness or lack of normal/average socialization. I would guess that is part of what is contributing to the results you are getting (where perhaps your behavior is outside the norms of average behavior).

Lastly, I would say that at least lately seem hyper-focused on guys, your attractiveness to them and how much attention you can get from them. In real life, this is going to probably come across as trying way too hard (no matter how aloof you play in each interaction)...don't underestimate that people, including the guys you are trying to date, can "feel" this from you and would undervalue you as a potential girlfriend or even a hookup. 

 

Edited August 3, 2023 by Versacehottie

[Kassieee]

2 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

I also agree with this. I don't think that these guys see you as girlfriend material. Just commenting on what I see here in your posts as well--that would immediately come to my mind. 

I would question what you mean by they "like" you after you are done with them...do you mean that they come back interesting in dating you or rather hooking up or just in contact? If it's hooking up or just being in contact which you are classifying as dating, I would say that is probably just them interested in and easy hookup or someone they feel will be or the ego game that they want to test your interest level to boost their own ego of how attractive they are to someone that was once interested in them. I take it to mean that they are still not trying to be your boyfriend even when they come back, right? 

If I'm being completely honest, I feel like you have some type of social disconnect that I can't really explain or don't want to hypothesize too much. Idk it feels like either some type of being a loner, loneliness or lack of normal/average socialization. I would guess that is part of what is contributing to the results you are getting (where perhaps your behavior is outside the norms of average behavior).

Lastly, I would say that at least lately seem hyper-focused on guys, your attractiveness to them and how much attention you can get from them. In real life, this is going to probably come across as trying way too hard (no matter how aloof you play in each interaction)...don't underestimate that people, including the guys you are trying to date, can "feel" this from you and would undervalue you as a potential girlfriend or even a hookup. 

 

That is the opposite of me. 

If you read my threads you would've seen I do socialized alot. I made a thread about my grandma complaining that I dance too much and that I'm too comfortable because I won't settle down. I like to be out there. My username, I just like knowing, and asking things. My mind needs to be busy. I like to socialize, everyone I've met, including dating, I've met in person. And if you read my posts thoroughly, I never online dated, would never. Also you would've read I have a ton of cousins/family....loneliness isn't a thing. 

Anywho. I'm not gf material... facts.

[Alpacalia]

I don't know, you seem to have a psuedo sense of self confidence by thinking that all these men are interested in you. Some women are just attractive and men notice you, or it could be that the woman has a presence or aura that draws people to her. It could also be that you have a magnetic personality and people are drawn to you because of it. But I would suspect in those cases only confident women are able to attract so much male attention.

[Kassieee]

1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

I don't know, you seem to have a psuedo sense of self confidence by thinking that all these men are interested in you. Some women are just attractive and men notice you, or it could be that the woman has a presence or aura that draws people to her. It could also be that you have a magnetic personality and people are drawn to you because of it. But I would suspect in those cases only confident women are able to attract so much male attention.

I don't "think" these men are interested, they tell me themselves they are.

One of the guys...told me I'm bubbly that's why he liked me. But he's the opposite of me most of these guys are. More quiet type personalities. 

[Alpacalia]

1 minute ago, justaskingok said:

I don't "think" these men are interested, they tell me themselves they are.

One of the guys...told me I'm bubbly that's why he liked me. But he's the opposite of me most of these guys are. More quiet type personalities. 

OK. But if you're sure that they were interested in you being they told you then what does it mean to you? Honest question. Are you trying to figure out if they were genuinely interested? I mean, if you are, that is a genuine concern. But it could also be that they were just being polite after the fact and not actually that interested. Just make sure that you're not wasting your time and energy chasing a dead end.

[Kassieee]

8 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

OK. But if you're sure that they were interested in you being they told you then what does it mean to you? Honest question. Are you trying to figure out if they were genuinely interested? I mean, if you are, that is a genuine concern. But it could also be that they were just being polite after the fact and not actually that interested. Just make sure that you're not wasting your time and energy chasing a dead end.

My question is in the OP. 

I edited it. Maybe you missed it.......I'm asking why men do this? Trying to get others perspective.

I don't even care if they are genuinely interested. I don't get why tell someone you are interested when it would've been easier if it was said sooner.

Edited August 3, 2023 by justaskingok

[Lotsgoingon]

Why don't you ask these late-confessing guys why they didn't approach you? 

I don't buy that you were "forced' to date cheating jerks because the good guys never approached. You aren't a lamp on a table. Why didn't you flirt with them?! Why didn't you make it known (and there are all kinds of sly, subtle ways of doing this) that you were interested in them?! And "interested" doesn't mean you know you want to date them. Making your interest known only means letting people know that you would say "yes" if they asked you out. 

If you go back in your memory with the benefit of hindsight, can you see that these good guys perhaps were nervous around you or just enough uncomfortable looking in a way that might indicate they had interest? People get nervous (often visibly so)or they get unusually quiet and so on when they are in the presence of someone they are attracted to. You've got a data set, you say, of multiple guys saying they had been interested once upon a time. You should be able to see some commonalities in their behavior around you. 

 While you're at it, how about ask what it was about you that perhaps didn't convince them you were open to being asked out? You might be more cold than you think. Lots to learn. Just ask. And reflect back. 

[ShyViolet]

5 hours ago, justaskingok said:

 have two different cousins whose friends are interested in me....but when i was there they barely talked to me. Now want my socials to communicate. Could've asked me yourself!!! 

Why would you even waste your time worrying about these people?  When you were there in person, they barely talked to you.  That is all you need to know.  They either weren't actually that interested in you, or have no social skills.  All they want to do is "like" and comment on your social media posts from behind a screen, but when it comes down to seeing you in person they don't even talk to you.  Is your bar really so low that these are the type of people you think are potential partners?

[Kassieee]

25 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Why don't you ask these late-confessing guys why they didn't approach you? 

I don't buy that you were "forced' to date cheating jerks because the good guys never approached. You aren't a lamp on a table. Why didn't you flirt with them?! Why didn't you make it known (and there are all kinds of sly, subtle ways of doing this) that you were interested in them?! And "interested" doesn't mean you know you want to date them. Making your interest known only means letting people know that you would say "yes" if they asked you out. 

If you go back in your memory with the benefit of hindsight, can you see that these good guys perhaps were nervous around you or just enough uncomfortable looking in a way that might indicate they had interest? People get nervous (often visibly so)or they get unusually quiet and so on when they are in the presence of someone they are attracted to. You've got a data set, you say, of multiple guys saying they had been interested once upon a time. You should be able to see some commonalities in their behavior around you. 

 While you're at it, how about ask what it was about you that perhaps didn't convince them you were open to being asked out? You might be more cold than you think. Lots to learn. Just ask. And reflect back. 

 

No they weren't nervous around me if anything I brought them out of their shell.

[ShyViolet]

15 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

 

No they weren't nervous around me if anything I brought them out of their shell.

Ok then that's even worse.  Their idea of flirting or expressing interest is just interacting through a phone screen, just liking your social media posts or texting.  But when you are in the same place in person they have nothing to say to you.  These are people who have no social skills.  Or definitely don't sound that interested in you.

[Alpacalia]

49 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

If you go back in your memory with the benefit of hindsight, can you see that these good guys perhaps were nervous around you or just enough uncomfortable looking in a way that might indicate they had interest?

Yes. And that's why I also asked if they were late bloomers.

We don't know the personality of the men or the details of these interactions so it's hard to answer the question directly. 

I'm going to defer to Shyviolet when she says that they either weren't actually that interested in you, or have no social skills. Look, they had an opportunity to ask you out way back when and they didn't. It isn't for you to figure out why, ultimately, it just is what it is.

Maybe they weren't as interested in you as you thought, or perhaps they just had bad timing. Either way, it's not your problem to figure out. I'm all for women being assertive and showing interest but ultimately it doesn't really matter if someone isn't going to act on it.

Accept the fact that they might not have been interested in you no matter how attractive you are, your bubbly personality, or how clearly you showed your interest. You have to realize that there's no point in trying to deduce why they didn't ask you out in the first place because that's not going to get you closer to a relationship.

You don't want to be with someone that couldn't express their interest in you, right?

Just because they might've liked you doesn't mean they would make the effort to pursue you or show that they liked you back. If they had no intention of pursuing or showing their affections, then they're not the right one for you.

Edited August 3, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Kassieee]

8 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Ok then that's even worse.  Their idea of flirting or expressing interest is just interacting through a phone screen, just liking your social media posts or texting.  But when you are in the same place in person they have nothing to say to you.  These are people who have no social skills.  Or definitely don't sound that interested in you.

No I'm not talking about the guys from NYC asking for my socials. That comment was directed at my actual guy friends I've hung out with and socialized on multiple occasions  they never shown nervousness.

Edited August 3, 2023 by justaskingok

[Lotsgoingon]

So were you interested in them? That's an important question.

Just because they were interested in you doesn't mean you were--or should have been--interested in them. I can count half a dozen times when I found out someone told someone else they were interested in me. If I wasn't already interested in them, it never worked. 

Part of having chemistry with people is that the two people CAN communicate their interest. 

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, justaskingok said:

That is the opposite of me. 

If you read my threads you would've seen I do socialized alot. I made a thread about my grandma complaining that I dance too much and that I'm too comfortable because I won't settle down. I like to be out there. My username, I just like knowing, and asking things. My mind needs to be busy. I like to socialize, everyone I've met, including dating, I've met in person. And if you read my posts thoroughly, I never online dated, would never. Also you would've read I have a ton of cousins/family....loneliness isn't a thing. 

Anywho. I'm not gf material... facts.

I will re-read more carefully and see if I come to the same conclusion...What I mean is the feeling you give off though. I would estimate that lots of us get an IMPRESSION of what a person is like and about, due to their tone and what they talk about, how they interact with others, etc. That can happen even here in B&W in a forum.  An impression can be very similar among how outsiders see you, even if it is not how you see yourself. You can probably work on that to make an impression outwardly that is more in line with how you view yourself. 

I will take you at your word that you're not "lonely" because you spending time "socializing" and with your cousins, etc. Maybe your loneliness just extends to you & guys or a longing for a romantic (or physical) connection. 

I put "socializing" in quotes above because you were able to contradict the notion that you don't socialize by saying that, in fact, you do 'socialize"...However, i mean socialization.  A person can go out, go to parties, do lots of things with friends and dates on a social level but be cut off emotionally or not well-attuned to how best to interact with others so that they want to be close/closer to you. That is what I meant. An extreme hyper-focus on oneself would also contribute to that lack of connection with others. It may happen on a surface level or to a level that you feel comfortable with (especially if you are more comfortable being emotionally removed from others), so in your eyes you might think you are well-socialized but your results sort of say differently (this may or may not be the reason--but I would hypothesize from reading your posts that it is playing a role in your lack of "real" connection with others, including with guys for dating). 

[Kassieee]

17 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

So were you interested in them? That's an important question.

Just because they were interested in you doesn't mean you were--or should have been--interested in them. I can count half a dozen times when I found out someone told someone else they were interested in me. If I wasn't already interested in them, it never worked. 

Part of having chemistry with people is that the two people CAN communicate their 

If we didn't have chemistry we wouldn't be friends. Physical chemistry ...When I think about it..... no.....

Edited August 3, 2023 by justaskingok

[Versacehottie]

2 hours ago, justaskingok said:

My cousins are guys.

Don't you have any girl friends? Or people that are not related to you that "choose" to hang out with you? 

I'm asking to try to get to the bottom of this.

Nothing wrong with hanging out with guys or family members but I'm curious to know your answer to this

[Kassieee]

1 hour ago, Versacehottie said:

Don't you have any girl friends? Or people that are not related to you that "choose" to hang out with you? 

I'm asking to try to get to the bottom of this.

Nothing wrong with hanging out with guys or family members but I'm curious to know your answer to this

Yes I have...alot of girl cousins too.

I love reading your posts you have said things I didn't know about myself that are just clicking!!!!!!

Edited August 3, 2023 by justaskingok

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, justaskingok said:

 when i was there they barely talked to me. Now want my socials to communicate. 

It's fine to exchange social media with your cousins' friends. In fact pretty common to stay in touch with acquaintances like this, since they are at a distance.

However this isn't "asking you out" or indicating much beyond that they thought you were nice.

They also don't want to make things awkward hitting on their friends visiting cousin, just for a brief hookup while in town.

So your situation isn't unusual or uncommon at all. Focus on dating locally with men who do view you as dating or GF material rather than awkward and complicated friends of relatives you're visiting.