To they break NC (LC)

[OW10]

I was just wondering.. When the MM is the one to stop the relationship because he claims to still love his wife, where they do the work (counseling).. When they go cold on you..

Are there cases where they do come back after a while? It's been a couple of months but for now, only necessary conversation about work (still work with him, searching for something new), so LC.

 

No 'hope' of this happening here.. Just a discussion I had with my therapist. She constantly warns me about the possibility of this happening but considering the cold ending, his home situation and his avoidant attachment style I don't think I really need to mentally 'prepare' myself for this/grow stronger to not let him in again because I don't see it happening. Which is fine for me, by the way. I don't want to end up in that situation again. But I do realise that, should he try something again, I'd still be too fragile at declining his moves. 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, OW10 said:

still work with him, searching for something new so LC. Just a discussion I had with my therapist. 

It's great you're stepping back and talking to your therapist. Is this the same man?:

 

[OW10]

Yes, same man. 

To clarify: really no intention on my part to change anything about the situation (except maybe changing jobs to fully go NC). Just something I wonder, maybe some experiences with other xMM? 

[stillafool]

TBH, MM or not, there's always the possiblity of a past lover reentering your life after parting.  When you don't want to get back into a unhealthy affair you just say NO and act accordingly.  You say you have no interest in reentering the affair yet here's this thread asking if he will come back, and how you're too fragile to say no to him.  Yes you definitely need to change jobs.  

Edited August 3, 2023 by stillafool

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, OW10 said:

Are there cases where they do come back after a while?

The short answer is yes, there are, although it's by no means a certainty. How common this might be is anyone' guess. I suppose whether it happens or not depends on a lot of different variables.

What you, in your specific situation, should do is another matter.

Quote

should he try something again, I'd still be too fragile at declining his moves.

This sounds odd at first glance and suggests you are still interested. Perhaps you are conflicted?

If you had limerence for him, that might make it harder to control yourself, at least temporarily. You can feel a genuine compulsion towards the other person. Limerence will eventually fade, but it does take a while.

If you're serious about being done, then it sounds like you're taking the right steps in looking for a new job and new partners. Making it essentially impossible to see/be around him will likely help getting over him/the affair.

Edited August 3, 2023 by mark clemson

[BaileyB]

Nobody can ever predict the future, but as has been said above - there is always the chance that a past lover will turn up again… This tends to be common with affairs, where the “push-pull” dynamic and sometimes “on again/off again” history is part of the very nature and course of the relationship. 

Your therapist is not wrong to encourage you to shore up your defences such that you are not vulnerable and can make healthier decisions for yourself in the future. 

Edited August 3, 2023 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, OW10 said:

I do realise that, should he try something again, I'd still be too fragile at declining his moves. 

You sound like you are moving in a more positive direction but you don’t sound overly committed or confident in directing your own life and leaving this man in your past. Another who thinks it would be wise to find another job. Distance is your friend when you are trying to end any relationship. 

[JTSW]

I get the feeling that you secretly hope he will come back.

Have you blocked him from ever trying to contact you?

I know you work together but you can block him from your private number.

[denwickdroylsden]

Some fAP are in fact predators who will always find reasons to check back with a former AP to see if there is fresh receptivity.  Rekindling with a former takes less work (recruitment, courting, grooming) than starting up with someone new. Hence the periodic return visits. Probably doesn't work 95% of the time but the 5% of the time it does work is worth it to them.

[spiritedaway2003]

When you go NC, the goal is that there is NO CONTACT so that you can both begin to put in some distance -- so you can heal.  

If you work together, look into changing jobs.  I will always say this:  from my experience, it doesn't magically change your thought process, but it would at least stop the constant "hits" when you see him.   If you are in limerence (which I suspect that I was, due of the constant intrusive thoughts happening at minutes intervals), then you are also getting your "hits" internally (e.g. anytime you think about him).  It's not an excuse but it's very difficult/tiring to stop constant intrusive thoughts.  Therapy can help to reframe your thoughts, but not your feelings, but at least it a start.  Distance + therapy will help...but a lot of it would also be time. It can take some time for  limerence to go away, but it's not just time...but what you do with that time, and that includes thinking about things differently. 

I'll be honest, there was always a lingering hope that he'd reach out, even though *I* was the one who initiated NC.  Which, of course, doesn't make any sense.  As you may have discovered, hope is really hard to kill.  Every situation is different, but your goal isn't "does he come back?"  Because that resets progress.  In my experience, the length of time in NC doesn't really change anything --when we broke NC, everything comes rushing back as if no time had passed.   If you're done with him, the the goal is, "I should block him" so that if he doesn't have a way of coming back.  But UNTIL until you get to a place where you are truly done with him and never want to hear from him again, it will be hard for you to move on.  You get stuck in a place where you just can't move on, whether willingly or unwillingly, and then wondering months later why you're still stuck.

Also, trust me, LC doesn't work.  Every contact is a hit.

 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

I have seen where they do come back and do it either behind the wife's back(Again) or tell The Wife she has no choice but to accept it.  Don't be the Middle One, hun.  Move on.  They are Cheaters in their own No Right.😒

Edited August 4, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23

[Luna66star]

Sorry to be on the blunt side.  MM use side chicks as toys to play with when things are tough at home.  We're a distraction.  That's all it is.  He wants to stay married.  Responding to his messages encourages him to keep wasting your time.  This is a road to no where.

 

 

 

[glows]

He has a lot of baggage being married - not sure why you’d want him to “come back”. He could also do the same to you and cheat on you should you both ride off into the sunset/him leaving his wife. The risks are too great and his life is messy. I know you still have feelings for him but them sirens are wailing at earth shattering decibels..

He may contact you at another low point but return to sender. Try gaining strength and courage from a support system, ask yourself what you’d like from your career/work situation and completely revamp your goals and where you see yourself. You’re stuck in a rut still thinking what he thinks or does matters. The truth is it doesn’t. Go out there and start making and designing your life the way you want to see it and make sure you surround yourself with people who reciprocate the efforts you give in a relationship.

[OW10]

On 8/6/2023 at 7:19 PM, Luna66star said:

Sorry to be on the blunt side.  MM use side chicks as toys to play with when things are tough at home.  We're a distraction.  That's all it is.  He wants to stay married.  Responding to his messages encourages him to keep wasting your time.  This is a road to no where.

 

 

 

I'm not responding to anything.. Outside of work, there is no contact at all.. I'm doing the work. Really. 

 

On 8/4/2023 at 2:56 PM, spiritedaway2003 said:

When you go NC, the goal is that there is NO CONTACT so that you can both begin to put in some distance -- so you can heal.  

If you work together, look into changing jobs.  I will always say this:  from my experience, it doesn't magically change your thought process, but it would at least stop the constant "hits" when you see him.   If you are in limerence (which I suspect that I was, due of the constant intrusive thoughts happening at minutes intervals), then you are also getting your "hits" internally (e.g. anytime you think about him).  It's not an excuse but it's very difficult/tiring to stop constant intrusive thoughts.  Therapy can help to reframe your thoughts, but not your feelings, but at least it a start.  Distance + therapy will help...but a lot of it would also be time. It can take some time for  limerence to go away, but it's not just time...but what you do with that time, and that includes thinking about things differently. 

I'll be honest, there was always a lingering hope that he'd reach out, even though *I* was the one who initiated NC.  Which, of course, doesn't make any sense.  As you may have discovered, hope is really hard to kill.  Every situation is different, but your goal isn't "does he come back?"  Because that resets progress.  In my experience, the length of time in NC doesn't really change anything --when we broke NC, everything comes rushing back as if no time had passed.   If you're done with him, the the goal is, "I should block him" so that if he doesn't have a way of coming back.  But UNTIL until you get to a place where you are truly done with him and never want to hear from him again, it will be hard for you to move on.  You get stuck in a place where you just can't move on, whether willingly or unwillingly, and then wondering months later why you're still stuck.

Also, trust me, LC doesn't work.  Every contact is a hit.

 

I understand.. that's why I'm searching for a different job.. Just seems so unfair. He gets to keep everything, living his life as if nothing happened. While I seemed to lost everything over this: my marriage, myself in a way, and now my job. I still feel a lot of hatred. Still want to tell his wife, but I know I won't. 

I don't act on it and at work it's just the minimum of business talk. Go see my therapist weekly. Get on with my life. But still, can't say it isn't painful. Seeing the man who promised to love you forever and unconditionally, who promised never to let go just turn completely cold on you. Still hits hard at some moments. 

Still can't quite see how I'd find someone like him one day. I see his flaws but still can't 'unlove' him. Hate myself for it. 

Going to therapy but it's been months and I"m still not exactly where I wanted to be at this point. I don't want him back but I want him out of my mind.. 

[JTSW]

29 minutes ago, OW10 said:

I seemed to lost everything over this: my marriage, myself in a way, and now my job. I still feel a lot of hatred. Still want to tell his wife, but I know I won't. 

You made the choice to get involved with him so you're the one to blame for what you lost.

You are not innocent in this by a long shot.

If he and his wife and working it out then that's none of your business.

Causing further issues is just going make everything allot worse for you.

You are just bitter about it but it will pass.

[bbronte]

Be kind to your future self and stay away from him. You absolutely should change jobs, meet and date other men, work on yourself in every way you can, and rebuild yourself into an amazing happy strong independent woman. He’s taken that away from you and turned you into a shell of a person waiting on scraps. Make future you proud and busy yourself so much you forget him. I promise you, you will get through this. 

[JTSW]

1 hour ago, OW10 said:

Still can't quite see how I'd find someone like him one day.

A man that cheats on his wife?

That's the kind of man you want?

All of what he said were just words, nothing more.

He is skilled at telling women what they want to hear to keep them invested.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, OW10 said:

. I still feel a lot of hatred.  I see his flaws but still can't 'unlove' him. Hate myself for it. 

Therapy is helpful only if it's helping and a therapist telling you he may come back doesn't seem to be helpful.

Your battles do seem to come from inside you. Both in your marriage and this affair. So there's underlying problems that led you down this dark road with this man. 

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss the anger and sustained bad feelings. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support for, since this one and therapy alone isn't helping.

 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Therapy is helpful only if it's helping and a therapist telling you he may come back doesn't seem to be helpful.

No it doesn't.  I can't believe a licensed therapist would tell you that about a married man.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, OW10 said:

Seeing the man who promised to love you forever and unconditionally, who promised never to let go just turn completely cold on you. Still hits hard at some moments. 

Still can't quite see how I'd find someone like him one day. I see his flaws but still can't 'unlove' him. Hate myself for it. 

Going to therapy but it's been months and I"m still not exactly where I wanted to be at this point. I don't want him back but I want him out of my mind.. 

You also promised to be faithful to your husband when you married him; but see how that turned out?  I'm sorry but you put yourself in this position and so did MM except now he's trying to straten up for his wife.  Unfortunately it's going to take longer than 3 months to get over him.