rape?

[veryconfused:(]

I am so confused...my ex bf and I are still really great friends. The problem is that, well, we still mess around sexually. This has been going on for over a year.

 

About 6 months ago, he raped me. I just blocked it out for months, pretending it never happened till recently. I confronted him about this, telling me that he raped me, but I don't think he intentionally raped me. I told him no, but he did it anyway. I tried to stop him, yelled some for him to stop, and he continued anyway. I started crying too. I told him what happened, he told me he was sorry.

 

However, what concerns me is why am I not afraid of him, and why do I care about him so much, despite this act? I mean, shouldn't I have some sort of fear? I mean, I feel a lot of shame, but I don't understand why it's so easy to forgive this guy. From what I've read, rape victims are terrified by their rapists, but I'm not.

[guest81237495]

Hi,

 

I noticed no one esle has replied to youyr question, so I will offer my 3 cents worth, even though I am totaly unqualifed to offer any advice...

 

Was it a once one completely out-of-character move? Was he drunk? Were you both drunk? On drugs? Was he particularly angry before you began having sex?

 

There could be a lot of reason he persisted when you said no, not that it excuses it in any way, but it may help you understand why you still have feeling for him.

 

My advice would be to not have sex with him anymore until you sort out what happened, and how you feel about it. You might even want to see a therapist, but you should be aware that she/he may have to manditorily repprt the rape to the police, but I'm not sure (I know that applies for teachers, etc. who work with children)

 

I have had women on a first date, naked in bed, say that they don't want to and I've respected that, so it worries me that he didn't respect your request, even though you've had sex before (I've never had someone I'vbe had sex with before say no, so I can't offer any insight into his feelings there)

 

Hope this helps

[Outcast]

but I don't think he intentionally raped me

 

This is your answer. Because you don't think he did it on purpose, you're not mad at him. I don't understand how it all happened, either. Were you both blind drunk?

[lindya]

Maybe to clarify things it's an idea to look at this situation piece by piece, ask yourself certain questions and weigh up the costs and benefits to you of continuing this relationship.

 

I am so confused...my ex bf and I are still really great friends. The problem is that, well, we still mess around sexually. This has been going on for over a year.

 

Let's say the situation was going to end tomorrow and you weren't going to have any more contact with him...what would be the best thing about that, and what would be the scariest thing about it?

 

About 6 months ago, he raped me. I just blocked it out for months, pretending it never happened till recently.

 

Was it a conscious decision, on your part, to block it out - or did it just seem to happen naturally? Whether conscious or unconscious, what things about your life might be different today if you hadn't blocked that experience out for 6 months?

 

I confronted him about this, telling me that he raped me, but I don't think he intentionally raped me.

 

What led you to decide that it wasn't intentional on his part?

 

I told him no, but he did it anyway. I tried to stop him, yelled some for him to stop, and he continued anyway. I started crying too.

 

Why wouldn't he have stopped when you clearly asked - indeed, yelled - for him to stop? Were there particularly unusual circumstances? Are there any circumstances, that you are aware of, that would make it okay for a man to continue having sex with a woman when she was yelling for him to stop?

 

I told him what happened, he told me he was sorry.

 

Why did you need to tell him? Was it likely that, at the time it happened, he didn't know what he was doing or had in some way lost control of his behaviour? If so, has something material about him changed that makes you believe that something like this won't happen again - either with you or with someone else?

 

However, what concerns me is why am I not afraid of him, and why do I care about him so much, despite this act? I mean, shouldn't I have some sort of fear?

 

One common source of conflict is desire versus fear. Let's say you have a goal, an ambition - a desire - that can only be achieved if you take a risk (the fear factor). If you want something enough, sometimes desire can make you overcome fear.

 

The ability to ignore, repress or block out fear can sometimes be very helpful in allowing us to go out and get what we want, but it can also be very destructive. It can keep us in situations that our instinct for danger, were it not repressed, would be urgently telling us to get out of.

 

I mean, I feel a lot of shame, but I don't understand why it's so easy to forgive this guy.

 

Might it be fair to say that shame is what we feel when we're unable to forgive ourselves for something that's happened? Does that mean you've taken all responsibility for what happened away from this guy, and placed it on your own shoulders? If so, I can understand why it might feel easy to forgive him - because essentially you'd be taking the view that there was nothing to forgive. That what happened was your fault. But logically, when this happened....

 

I tried to stop him, yelled some for him to stop, and he continued anyway.

 

would any reasonable person say that you should take responsibility for the fact that he continued?

 

I think it would be a good idea for you to speak to a counsellor about this situation. It sounds as if your thoughts and feelings about what happened are very complicated, and you might need some skilled one to one assistance in unravelling them.

[Becoming]

If what happened to you happened to a friend of yours, to your mother, or to a little sister, what would you say to them?

 

Yes, it's rape. You YELLED stop and he didn't. You have a right to change your mind and have that honored at any point in the process.

 

You deserve better than this guy. But your feelings for him are powerful and there are things going on with you that keep you in this relationship despite the fact that he has horribly abused you.

 

I agree with Lindya. Find a good counselor. Perhaps a rape crisis center would be a good place to start.

 

And keep us posted, OK?

[n/a]

No "means" no, regardless of the situation. If he did it to you once, he will do it again. I would recommend you either seek psychiatric help.

 

The issue might just be deeper than your relationship with this person. Have you been abused as a child or had some form of previous trauma? Confronting an issue earlier on will help you tackle later problems in future relationship.

[sparticuss]

I am so confused...my ex bf and I are still really great friends. The problem is that, well, we still mess around sexually. This has been going on for over a year.

 

About 6 months ago, he raped me. I just blocked it out for months, pretending it never happened till recently. I confronted him about this, telling me that he raped me, but I don't think he intentionally raped me. I told him no, but he did it anyway. I tried to stop him, yelled some for him to stop, and he continued anyway. I started crying too. I told him what happened, he told me he was sorry.

 

However, what concerns me is why am I not afraid of him, and why do I care about him so much, despite this act? I mean, shouldn't I have some sort of fear? I mean, I feel a lot of shame, but I don't understand why it's so easy to forgive this guy. From what I've read, rape victims are terrified by their rapists, but I'm not.

 

What you have read is less than half the story. Usually written by journalists, wiht no knowledge of either rape or rape counselling.

What you havent read is the odd cases of women who have later married their rapists. What you havent read is how few women do actually suicide due to post rape trauma. (For every one who does over a hundred men suicide due to post divorce trauma).

 

The rape victims you have read about are those who have been surprised by a stranger and they don't know if he's going to attack again. Or, in the case of date rapes, they still don't know if he's going to attack again. They also don't know if murder is in the next bag of tricks.

 

Your ex is somebody that you know reasonably well and you could take an educated guess that neither rape nor murder is in his plans for the future. That would explain your lack of fear.

 

Blocking out a rape, paticularly a date rape, is quite common.

So too is unintentional rape when the guy is too drunkto realise that the girl is screaming, not creaming, and the girl is too drunk to actually pronounce the word "no".

 

I've known two rape victims and two more if their stories are to be believed. And two victims of indecent assault. None of those were emotional wrecks.

 

There's a lot of propaganda about rape being the absoloute worst thing that could happen to a woman. But a really good test of a womans ability to think for herself, is to have her list a half dozen WORSE things.

[lindya]

What you have read is less than half the story. Usually written by journalists, wiht no knowledge of either rape or rape counselling.

What you havent read is the odd cases of women who have later married their rapists. What you havent read is how few women do actually suicide due to post rape trauma. (For every one who does over a hundred men suicide due to post divorce trauma).

 

The rape victims you have read about are those who have been surprised by a stranger and they don't know if he's going to attack again. Or, in the case of date rapes, they still don't know if he's going to attack again. They also don't know if murder is in the next bag of tricks.

 

Your ex is somebody that you know reasonably well and you could take an educated guess that neither rape nor murder is in his plans for the future. That would explain your lack of fear.

 

Blocking out a rape, paticularly a date rape, is quite common.

So too is unintentional rape when the guy is too drunkto realise that the girl is screaming, not creaming, and the girl is too drunk to actually pronounce the word "no".

 

I've known two rape victims and two more if their stories are to be believed. And two victims of indecent assault. None of those were emotional wrecks.

 

There's a lot of propaganda about rape being the absoloute worst thing that could happen to a woman. But a really good test of a womans ability to think for herself, is to have her list a half dozen WORSE things.

 

More vintage stuff from the man who can't even spell the username he chose, let alone present any sort of intelligent debate.

[sparticuss]

More vintage stuff from the man who can't even spell the username he chose, let alone present any sort of intelligent debate.

 

Come off it lindia. You can do better than cheap shots against indivuals.

 

Use your web brains for starters. The name with the correct spelling was taken by somebody else years ago.

 

Now use your lifes experience. (How old are you anway) How many rape victims do you know, and how many arre emotional wrecks unable to have normal relationships any more. How many are shaken but coping, and how many have gotten through completely unscathed.

 

One of my past girlfriends was a date rape victim. Far from being shy of sex she insisted on it but without the silly little flirting games that normally get attached to it. She needed re assurance that sex was still a lovely , gentle, enjoyable experience.

 

lay off with the cheap shots Linda. They degrade the whole board.

[Bogun]

I've known two rape victims and two more if their stories are to be believed. And two victims of indecent assault. None of those were emotional wrecks.

Most rape victims will not wear a tag on their sleeve announcing that they are an emotional wreck. Most will keep the trauma it causes to themselves, and will not tell people about the recurring nightmares and the fear of sleeping with a window open. Because they do not openly show the pain that they feel, it does not mean that it is not there.

 

Sparticuss why do you show so little compassion for women that have been raped? Have you been falsely acused of sexually assaulting a woman?

[Roo-bie2]

Maybe because even though you were a victim you can choose not to live your life as a victim. You don't have to letting one bad thing define your life. There can an is a difference from being raped and living your life as a rape victim.

 

People do stupid things. This is were you need to step back and look at the sitaution...... Was alchol or drugs involved? Is there more to the story that you only know? This unknown part is something we cannot help you with.

 

Are either of you being controlling and using sex as a tool? Why are you two just "f*ck" buddies? Are either one of you have other issues?

 

Does and has he always treated you nicely before?

 

The media/society says rape is the most horrible thing that can happen to a women. In reality it isn't for all women. Girls are taught to hold on to their virginity like it is sacred. So women sex (vagina) is suppose to be sacred they should be deviated and ruined by rape.

 

I have to agree you do not hear from women that aren't emotionally wrecked from their rape. They are called liars. They are not believed. They are made to feel guilty for not having the emotional damage for having their sacred vagina violated. I wonder if that is part of what you are struggling with. You have read so much telling you how you should feel and you don't feel that way so you feel guilty over it. Don't!

 

Rule out the other issues I brought up before. This could be a more toxic relationship than you realize before. But the event doesn't have to rule your thoughts and being.

 

Don't let others tell you how you are suppose to feel.

[Roo-bie2]

Most rape victims will not wear a tag on their sleeve announcing that they are an emotional wreck. Most will keep the trauma it causes to themselves, and will not tell people about the recurring nightmares and the fear of sleeping with a window open. Because they do not openly show the pain that they feel, it does not mean that it is not there.

 

Usually that is called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). You can have it various ways. This condition is not solely unique to rape victims.

 

It shouldn’t become an identifier of life. I have PTSD, not because of rape. This condition you are stating is not solely a rape issue it is an issue that people who live through traumatic events MIGHT have to deal with. Most people that live through traumatic events do not develops PTSD. Some will develop it but not recognize or acknowledge it.

 

It is likely that some Katrina victims with deal with PTSD but not all. Some solders will deal with PTSD but not all. Some rape victims will have PTSD issues but not all. And the people that don't have PTSD issues because of traumatic events sure don't need to be made to feel guilty of it.

[Bogun]

The things I said are not based on what it says in a pychologists text book, what I said is based on a couple of women that I have known that have suffered rape. All of them I would describe as strong women; they do not see themselves as victims, yet they are affected by what happened to them.

 

Girls are taught to hold on to their virginity like it is sacred. So women sex (vagina) is suppose to be sacred they should be deviated and ruined by rape.

So if a woman is not a virgin it does not matter if she is raped???

Is english not your first language? "Deviated"???

 

The media/society says rape is the most horrible thing that can happen to a women. In reality it isn't for all women.

On what do you base this statement?

 

Are you male by any chance?

[Roo-bie2]

I am very much so a woman.

 

I don’t know why I typed deviated instead of devastated.???????

 

So if a woman is not a virgin it does not matter if she is raped???

Is english not your first language? "Deviated"???

 

No, it is saying that people have a harder time dealing with loosing and loosing the control of something that they put a high value on. If you do not carry Puritan views of sex (which I don’t think this lady has) it most likely would be less of a hardship to have it violated. An example (one that I hope clears up confusion): My grandmother and ex-mil both had cancer. Chemo took away their hair, something they prized. The hair loss was devestating. Yet, the men I have known to go bald because of cancer are less impacted by the hair loss. They don’t value their hair like the women did.

 

I would assume if she had this friends as a sex buddy she has more open views on sex and the sanctity of her vagina. It being violated would be less traumatic. This is not saying sexual violation is right, just possible easier for her to handle.

 

The things I said are not based on what it says in a pychologists text book, what I said is based on a couple of women that I have known that have suffered rape. All of them I would describe as strong women; they do not see themselves as victims, yet they are affected by what happened to them.

 

I brought up psychology because PTSD is what these women are dealing with. It doesn't mean they are weak, don't think I ever said they were.

 

Everyone is effected by the things that happen to them. The severity of XYZ event differs from person to person. That is why only some victims of tragic events have PTDS issues. These rape victims you mention have PTDS not all rape victims are going to have them.

 

*****

It is 1:05am my time. I must go to bed I am making to many typing mistakes.

 

I am a mom of three. If I were to be raped, yes it would be tragic but I would be more harmed if my child was. If I had to choose the death of my child verses being raped. I would pick rape. This doesn't mean I want to be raped but there are worse things that pop into my mind that could happen.

[lindya]

lay off with the cheap shots Linda. They degrade the whole board.

 

I'll make a deal with you. I'll lay off the cheap shots, if you stop producing s*** like this that is clearly intended to trivialise a serious crime.

 

Blocking out a rape, paticularly a date rape, is quite common.

So too is unintentional rape when the guy is too drunkto realise that the girl is screaming, not creaming, and the girl is too drunk to actually pronounce the word "no".

 

As to my knowledge and experience in this area - my profile's misleading (I won't bore you with the reasons for that). I work in the legal profession, which has exposed me to all sorts of weird and wonderful things. I used to work for a criminal firm, so as you can imagine in the past I've often been required me to act in the interests of people who had had allegations of rape or sexual abuse levelled against them.

 

A number of your posts seem to me to have the strong tone of an issue-riddled misogynist who's trying to conceal his darker thoughts with the language of a reasonable man. This reminds me of clients who, through shame, felt the need to persuade me personally that what they'd done wasn't that bad. Those were the ones who had previous convictions for sex offences and/or a history of complaints being made against them. Evidence that isn't admissible in court.

 

I didn't stand up and carry out cross-examinations in rape trials, because where I live you have to have earned a wig before you can do that. I did, however, instruct counsel in cases involving allegations of sexual offences - so my presence was required. I've seen the reaction of the main witness(es) during cross-examination, I've read the reports by doctors, psychologists and psychiatrists detailing the resulting suicidal ideation and incidents involving self harm. The broken relationships and sexual problems that often result.

 

All power to women who have survived a rape and refuse to allow it to ruin their lives. That shows great courage and strength of character - and possibly reflects well on the relatives and friends of those women, who were able to give them proper support. Their experiences do not, however, invalidate the experiences of women who maybe lacked the strength or the support network to deal with rape trauma so effectively.

 

Although I wouldn't class myself as an expert in the area of rape and its effects on victims, I've certainly spent plenty of time reading reports and liaising with people who are experts on the subject. Having been professionally obliged to spend a fair bit of time talking to men who have severe enough issues about women to pose a serious risk to them, there are certain signs and patterns of speech I pick up on very quickly.

 

This is why I've reacted on a number of occasions to your posts. I don't know you, and I don't know your background...but to be frank, as long as you continue talking with the same language that sex offenders I've met use, the likelihood is that I will carry on making cheap shots at you.

[roxyg]

I have been raped twice; the first time was date rape, the second was an ex-boyfriend. Some may say, how could you let this happen twice, well first off I didn't put myself in the situation to where I was vulnerable or teasing. Rape is a horrible experience, and I shudder at the thought of it. Sex for me, has been tarnished. The purity of it, was ruined the first time, and I used to feel as if every time I was with someone that person was the same person that raped me. As far as being raped by an ex-boyfriend, well, it was an awful and painful experience as I had really cared for him. It wasn't love between us, we were too young for that, but we were in a pretty serious relationship. It only happened once, and I forgave him. He immediately apologized for his actions, and even stopped, but it does not excuse what happened. I left for college, after this had happened, and I realized that I couldn't remain "friends" with him. Initially I was okay with what had happened, and I sincerely felt that I could move on, but as time went by, and the contact between us lessened, I realized that I did and do deserve better. No man should ever be let off that easily. A simple apology does not ever change what happened. I am now engaged, but at times struggle with what happened, I used to have flashbacks, and I'm slowly moving on with the help of a counselor and the total love and support of my fiance. My advice to the original poster is to try to move away from your ex, not as in move out of town, but don't spend so much time with him. You really need to stop seeing him if you two are broken up. I think this will help you in the long run, and perhaps him too. He should know that he did something horrible to you, and you should not have had to explain this to him! It also helps to tell someone close to you that will be able to support you. I told my sister and a few friends after a month or so, only because the pain was eating me up inside, they were all there for me emotionally, and that really helped me to remain strong. PM me if you would like to talk more.

[broken_doll_18]

well where to start, i totally know what you are going through as the exact same thing happened to me. I have tryed to forget it and everything, but no matter how hard i try, the feeling of anger and hatered just come at me hard and fast. Its worse now as i am in a relationship, but my partner does not know, im too scared to tell him, well actually im not scared of telling him im scared of his reaction. He is a amazing bloke, but i can bring my self in to taking our relationship to the next level because of this. Dont get me wrong the rape was 7 month ago, and i thought that if i didnt think about it it would just go away, but if a man touches me i have flash backs so to speak. Any way please keep in touch.

[Citizen Erased]

Isn't it interesting that the poster has not actually posted anything since her initial post? Perhaps they were thinking this was the place to gain some perspective, and some help, but has had to put up with people carrying on like this is the school yard. Have a little compassion for another human being.

[lindya]

Isn't it interesting that the poster has not actually posted anything since her initial post? Perhaps they were thinking this was the place to gain some perspective, and some help, but has had to put up with people carrying on like this is the school yard. Have a little compassion for another human being.

 

The thread seems to have died at the end of November, and at that point all the posts had been supportive and directed towards the OP and her problem. I put a fair amount of effort into posting a lengthy response to her, and I don't appreciate now being one of the subjects of a lecture from someone who didn't take the time and trouble to post a response when the problem was first presented.

 

A poster resurrected this thread specifically to trivialise the crime of rape, and to decry that it has a serious effect on its victims. I think it's perfectly in order to challenge a post like that....particularly as he has done this on a number of occasions, and several people have complained to the moderators about him to no avail.

 

I agree with you that if this - or any - subject raises difficult issues for someone, then the appropriate thing would be to start a new thread. The poster has no interest in doing that, however. His only interest is using other people's threads to air his own grievances.

[Citizen Erased]

I put a fair amount of effort into posting a lengthy response to her, and I don't appreciate now being one of the subjects of a lecture from someone who didn't take the time and trouble to post a response when the problem was first presented.

 

A poster resurrected this thread specifically to trivialise the crime of rape, and to decry that it has a serious effect on its victims. I think it's perfectly in order to challenge a post like that....particularly as he has done this on a number of occasions, and several people have complained to the moderators about him to no avail.

 

Just clearing up that I was not, in fact, directing my 'lecture' towards you, but towards the a@shole who was posting all of that b/s about himself being a 'victim'. If I have offended you, I apologise. It was not my intention. I in fact admired you for your reply to her and disliked the other person, who shall remain nameless, who attempted to trivialise this issue.

 

I did not in fact register with LS until the middle of December and so could not possibly have posted anything when this initially started. I was just sorry for the poor girl and was annoyed that there was an argument when this person was needing help, clearly. If I have offended you I do apologise. This is really not the place to be saying this though.

[lindya]

If I have offended you I do apologise. This is really not the place to be saying this though.

 

No probs - sorry for the misunderstanding.

[broken_doll_18]

what if the poor lass has finally got help, for the rape??

or if she hasn't got a computer anymore?

i am sorry but if you havent been through something as horrible as that, then you wouldnt understand how hard it is to finally talk about it. give this girl a break. And show some support and compassion.