A matter of timing...

[Tortoise]

Hi everyone. My situation undoubtedly seems quite straightforward, but it's giving me fits anyway. All opinions are welcome!

 

I have a great female friend who I've always been very fond of, and over time I've begun to think I'd be interested in more than just a friendship. Nothing strange so far. I would probably have come to this realization much sooner, except in the past one or both of us has always been involved in a relationship. I didn't allow these thoughts to enter my head... not seriously, anyway.

 

As of this moment, however, we are both single. I think there's still an obstacle, and I'm posting here because I'm unsure if this is a real obstacle or just me over-analyzing the situation. The problem is... she's only been single for one week, after a casual four-month relationship. Would I seem too opportunistic if I made my feelings known now?

 

I don't know what's "right" here. If I was in her shoes, and a friend asked me out, I wouldn't be put off or upset. Then again, I'm almost impossible to offend and am not a very good yardstick for this sort of thing. Her four-month relationship was not a serious one, and she's not upset over the break-up (or so she tells me). If her previous relationship had been more serious, or if she was emotionally vulnerable after being cut loose, I would certainly hold back until she'd found her feet. My cautious side is definitely thinking I should do this anyway!

 

My other side is saying "She's a beautiful, intelligent, extremely nice girl... and if you don't do something someone else will!" I know from experience how awful it feels to be the odd-man-out in that situation (I'm sure most of us do), and I'm quite terrified of being that guy again.

 

Any thoughts? All are welcome.

[sparkle]

Don't be too slow about this, Tortoise. This was a pretty short relationship and she did tell you that she was not too bent over about it, so I do not really see anything wrong.

 

There are two things that you can do:

 

#1. You wait and hold back your feelings. Meanwhile, she meets some guy tomorrow, starts talking to him, and ends up in another relationship that may last longer than 4 months. Who knows, it may last years.

 

Or

 

#2. You express your feelings to her now. Start off with mentioning something like, "I know you just got out of a relationship, so this is probably not the best timing, but I need to get this off my chest...". This way, you are being compassionate and taking her feelings into consideration.

 

Now if you do tell her how you feel, there are 3 things that can happen:

 

1. She may reject you and say that she doesn't feel the same way. (That is good because at least now you know not to waste your time waiting for her anymore, and can think about dating other girls).

 

2. She may reject you and say that, even though she does feel the same way, it is not the best timing because of her breakup, and she needs to wait a month or two. (That's progress, and now that she knows her feelings and if she is interested, she'll come and talk to you on her own).

 

3. She may be delighted to hear that you consider her to be such a beautiful, intelligent, and extremely nice girl. And she may have felt the same way about you all along.

 

So there you have it. If you don't make a move, you may end up wondering the rest of your life about what may have happened...and you'd beat yourself down with all those woulda/shoulda/coulda/if I had only.../ type of thoughts.

 

So take a short time to collect your thoughts and what to say to her, take a deep breath, and go for it today!

 

A couple suggestions though, when you do tell her how you feel about her, make sure to sound pretty upbeat and confident about yourself. Don't come across as desperate or pushy. Make her feel comfortable...let her see that you're not forcing her to make a decision right NOW, and that you are willing to wait a short while in case she's willing but just not ready.

 

Good luck, and let us know what she says.

[Tortoise]

Thank you Sparkle for the detailed reply. In all honesty, I think my post fell under the "I think I know what to do, now I need someone else to tell me the same thing to psych myself up" category. Your thoughts are appreciated.

 

I'm certainly acutely aware I can't move too slowly. It turns out I'll be spending most of this Saturday with her, which seems like as good an opportunity as I'm likely to have. Barring some disaster, I'll reveal myself then -- in the "I'm open to more than friendship" way, not the "Hey, look what's under my trenchcoat" way... though that might work too! Just kidding.