Connecting Emotionally and Maintaining Independence

[Alpacalia]

My boyfriend recently came over to help me finalize paperwork for a scholarship I was awarded. We skipped dinner; he was in a bad accident recently, breaking his nose, shattering his kneecap, and suffering skin lacerations and went home because he wasn't feeling too well. He went home in a bit of a “mood” so I didn't want to press it.

The doc said his nose may need surgery and he's in pain but doesn't want to do anything. He has sleep apnea and the injury is worsening it. The other day I brought him a hot compress and a humidifier for his bedroom. I walked in and he was visibly upset. He had a headache and was feeling overwhelmed. He is hesitant to do anything about his nose due to his uncle passing unexpectedly under anesthesia for very minor surgery, so I reminded him doctors have options and we can look for alternatives. We discussed physiotherapy to help stretch and strengthen the muscles and tissue around his nose.

Today, helping me, he said he's proud of me for getting my scholarship. He checked my paperwork for me just to get a second look at it. He asked if I needed financial help and I said no, I was fine. I'm not comfortable with that, but he said he just wants me to make the most of my education.

Now, awhile ago, he shared with me that he feels sometimes that I am closed off with my feelings and he wants to be there for me if I ever need him. Just before any asks, I have no intention of getting married or moving in anytime soon. I want to focus on my studies and reach my personal goals first. With his nose, he seems to be a bit hesitant to seek surgery because of his uncle. I understand that it's a difficult decision so I want to respect his view but also suggest to him that if surgery could help alleviate his sleep apnea, it may be beneficial. Anyway, this isn’t really about needing advice for my relationship, it’s going great.

But my other concern is that he feels I am closed off with my feelings.

For a bit of background, I have had people (including friends and family) comment about that in the past. So, I guess, I’m wondering if there are any tips or tricks to become more comfortable expressing my feelings? Has anyone here had a similar experience, and how did they tackle expressing their emotions? Or, has anyone dated or been in a relationship with someone who had a hard time expressing their feelings, and what did they do to help them? I find it a bore to keep on talking about things that don’t matter. Like he says, "honey where did you eat today and how was dinner?" I reply, "it was great, yadda yadda, can we please talk about something else." (haha)

I feel for the most part that I am affectionate with him and care deeply for him. I just don’t find it necessary to open up about my thoughts and feelings all the time. I want to acknowledge that he has expressed that he would appreciate me being more open about my thoughts and feelings. It’s important to me that he feels heard and seen in the relationship. So, thought I'd see what the good people of LS has to say.

🥺😬

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

. I just don’t find it necessary to open up about my thoughts and feelings all the time. I want to acknowledge that he .

🥺😬

He may wish you would talk about yourself and your life rather than trying to fix his. Some people give unsolicited advice and try to heal and fix others to avoid being seen.

Just be yourself,  (and let him be himself and make his own choices about his health and body,) he seems to care about you. So relax and enjoy your relationship.

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He may wish you would talk about yourself and your life rather than trying to fix his. Some people give unsolicited advice and try to heal and fix others to avoid being seen.

Just be yourself,  (and let him be himself and make his own choices about his health and body,) he seems to care about you. So relax and enjoy your relationship.

I wasn't giving him unsolicited advice. He asked me what I thought when I came over with the hot compress and humidifier so I shared with him. 

[giotto]

I was married to an "emotional fridge" for a long time and her inability to talk about her emotions gravely damaged our relationship. I guess it depends how guarded you are. To me, you sound open enough. But, I would pay attention to your behaviour. These things are very ingrained and sometimes you don't even notice it.

Regarding your boyfriend's nose, I understand he's pretty shaken up by his uncle's passing, but but... sounds a bit immature to me.

[Alpacalia]

48 minutes ago, giotto said:

I was married to an "emotional fridge" for a long time and her inability to talk about her emotions gravely damaged our relationship. I guess it depends how guarded you are. To me, you sound open enough. But, I would pay attention to your behaviour. These things are very ingrained and sometimes you don't even notice it.

Hmmm. I'll have to pay attention to that. I don't consider myself an emotional fridge but I do struggle with displaying my emotions. I think it's because I was raised in an environment where showing emotion was seen as a sign of weakness and I was typically reprimanded and punished when I did.

So I guess I have to learn how to express my emotions more openly, especially to those I'm close to. I mean, I do things to show I care like leaving little love notes, being affectionate, and other things...

But I think I can learn to express my feelings with words as well, rather than just relying on actions. That's something I'd like to work on.

Edited August 5, 2023 by Alpacalia

[giotto]

11 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Hmmm. I'll have to pay attention to that. I don't consider myself an emotional fridge but I do struggle with displaying my emotions. I think it's because I was raised in an environment where showing emotion was seen as a sign of weakness and I was typically reprimanded for it when I did.

So I guess I have to learn how to express my emotions more openly, especially to those I'm close to. I mean, I do things to show I care like leaving little love notes, being affectionate, and other things...

But I think I can learn to express my feelings with words as well, rather than just relying on actions. That's something I'd like to work on.

Actions would have been a good thing for me, maybe enough. But this because I was literally emotionally starved. But yes, talking is good too... 😉 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, giotto said:

Actions would have been a good thing for me, maybe enough. But this because I was literally emotionally starved. But yes, talking is good too... 😉 

Yeah, I'm okay with tweaking some things about myself if it will make me a better person overall. Plus, I know it's important to my relationships so that I'm able to better communicate and understand my BF. I guess that means no more talking in my sleep about how much I want tacos—at least not until we're married.🤪

[glows]

I think it’s best you ask him what he wants to know more about. He may not be communicating this clearly but he may want to hear you reassure him or tell him you care - about him, that you still find him attractive and look forward to the time you spend together. You seem to show your affection in acts of kindness, bringing things that are useful and discussing better sleep. Very pragmatic items. 

Yes, had this happen and similar issue/ similar to you. We don’t know what others are going through or how our words may affect someone so I tend to be fairly guarded about my opinions. I have asked in the past how better to communicate and see what the other person is feeling. Often it’s the other person that is looking for a safe space to open up and reassurance that it’s ok to talk. Or looking for reassurance that they’re doing ok and you feel confident about them - in this case, your relationship together. I have never been a words of affirmation type of person but had to change that along the way and be more open to communicating that realizing a lot of people really do need to hear those words.

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, glows said:

I think it’s best you ask him what he wants to know more about. He may not be communicating this clearly but he may want to hear you reassure him or tell him you care - about him, that you still find him attractive and look forward to the time you spend together. You seem to show your affection in acts of kindness, bringing things that are useful and discussing better sleep. Very pragmatic items. 

Yes, had this happen and similar issue/ similar to you. We don’t know what others are going through or how our words may affect someone so I tend to be fairly guarded about my opinions. I have asked in the past how better to communicate and see what the other person is feeling. Often it’s the other person that is looking for a safe space to open up and reassurance that it’s ok to talk. Or looking for reassurance that they’re doing ok and you feel confident about them - in this case, your relationship together. I have never been a words of affirmation type of person but had to change that along the way and be more open to communicating that realizing a lot of people really do need to hear those words.

Yes, I'm okay with how I am in terms of being less forthcoming with my emotions. But I also understand that my boyfriend may be feeling a bit frustrated because he doesn't know how I'm feeling. I care for him and want to understand where he's coming from too.

I'm willing to work on communicating better with my boyfriend, so he doesn't feel as frustrated and can be more aware of what I'm feeling. That doesn't mean completely changing my ways of expressing emotions, but I can be more mindful of his needs and try to provide cues as to how I'm feeling. Whenever I cried or needed comfort as an infant, I was harshly shaken but I get that it's a valid frustration for him. Many things growing up contributed to me being less vocal, but that ship has sailed.

I DON'T appreciate being told that I am "trying to fix someone" with acts of kindness.

Thanks glows. 🙂

Edited August 5, 2023 by Alpacalia

[glows]

3 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Yes, I'm okay with how I am in terms of being less forthcoming with my emotions. But I also understand that my boyfriend may be feeling a bit frustrated because he doesn't know how I'm feeling. I care for him and want to understand where he's coming from too.

I'm willing to work on communicating better with my boyfriend, so he doesn't feel as frustrated and can be more aware of what I'm feeling. That doesn't mean completely changing my ways of expressing emotions, but I can be more mindful of his needs and try to provide cues as to how I'm feeling. Whenever I cried or needed comfort as an infant, I was harshly shaken but I get that it's a valid frustration for him. Many things growing up contributed to me being less vocal, but that ship has sailed.

I DON'T appreciate being told that I am "trying to fix someone" with acts of kindness.

Thanks glows. 🙂

Not very clear about the part above in quotations as I certainly didn’t write anything about fixing a person. 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, glows said:

Not very clear about the part above in quotations as I certainly didn’t write anything about fixing a person. 

That wasn't directed towards you.

It was inferred earlier in the thread that when my BF asked me his thoughts and I shared it with him about his injuries, that I was trying to "fix him". I was there for my BF and to be told that it's me trying to fix him is dismissive and is troubling to say the least. What am I supposed to do when he asks? Sit there in silence? Not tell him? I expressed compassion and invited him to tell me what he needed in that moment.

My BF was not specifically talking about the discussion he and I had with regard to his injuries, he said he loved that I came over and brought those items and he is the one that wanted my input on his recovery process. Perhaps I needed to make that more clear in my opening thread post.

He and I recognize that this would be a long recovery process and he wanted my opinion on various things. It was his idea to talk about the injury and I offered insights. I showed my support by coming to his house with items he could use to help in his recovery and that was appreciated by him. 

He feels I am closed off sometimes when it comes to things like him helping me or me not being particularly expressive about my feelings towards him. Again, I tend show how I care more through actions rather than words. He loves that about me and so do my friends and family. I think that it's natural for me to be this way; I'd rather let my actions speak louder than words.

For me, it's more meaningful when I can show someone how much I care through tangible gestures of kindness and affection. I think that it's important to balance words with actions. But now that I know how he feels, I'll try to communicate more openly with him on how much he means to me and appreciate all that he has done.

[glows]

I could be wrong - I went back to look above and read the comment as your partner possibly interpreting it that way not actually you being a fixer but I also see what you’re saying. That’s wonderful he’s so appreciative of the things you do for him. You both seem to communicate quite well and I’m genuinely confused how much more your boyfriend could possibly want from you as you’re one of the most articulate and openly communicative members on this forum. I am left scratching my head here. 

He mentioned you seem closed off but if he could give you examples Id think it would help. Was it during a time you were thinking about something or how to react to a situation? When were these instances when he might have felt you weren’t as expressive? I would hope that by communicating a bit more he also understands you and when you may be needing some space to process if that’s ever been the case. 

Another aspect I thought of is maybe initiating physical contact or affection. I’m speaking here personally as I’m not a physically affectionate person at all and had to strain at first and push myself to be more physically affectionate in the past. Eventually it became more natural during the relationship but no, it’s not something that I would do at the start. I’m not sure if that helps - taking initiative on the physical intimacy.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

I find it a bore to keep on talking about things that don’t matter. Like he says, "honey where did you eat today and how was dinner?" I reply, "it was great, yadda yadda, can we please talk about something else." (haha)

Hmmmmmm ... It can be extremely important and helpful and nourishing to a relationship for people to get a sense of the other person's day.

I have more to say but first I need to clarify something.

You mention meals in the quote at the top.  Do you also get bored when after work, your bf asks you "how as your day?" Or is your reaction specifically relating to meals.

BTW: one of my closest friends tells me all the time about his meals. He eats all over the place in our metro area and he really enjoys food. I hadn't thought about this, but I actually learn a lot about my friend from his restaurant stories. For one, he's retired and going out to eat is one of his life's joys. He goes out I would say 5 to 6 days a week. But I digress. Just wanna know if you find "how was your day" to be a boring question. 

[Alpacalia]

13 hours ago, glows said:

I could be wrong - I went back to look above and read the comment as your partner possibly interpreting it that way not actually you being a fixer but I also see what you’re saying. That’s wonderful he’s so appreciative of the things you do for him. You both seem to communicate quite well and I’m genuinely confused how much more your boyfriend could possibly want from you as you’re one of the most articulate and openly communicative members on this forum. I am left scratching my head here. 

He mentioned you seem closed off but if he could give you examples Id think it would help. Was it during a time you were thinking about something or how to react to a situation? When were these instances when he might have felt you weren’t as expressive? I would hope that by communicating a bit more he also understands you and when you may be needing some space to process if that’s ever been the case. 

Another aspect I thought of is maybe initiating physical contact or affection. I’m speaking here personally as I’m not a physically affectionate person at all and had to strain at first and push myself to be more physically affectionate in the past. Eventually it became more natural during the relationship but no, it’s not something that I would do at the start. I’m not sure if that helps - taking initiative on the physical intimacy.

 

I'm touched that consider me to be one of the most articulate and openly communicative members. I aim to be communicative and clear when I talk. I'm always eager to hear your opinion as I really like the way you express your ideas!

He feels sometimes that I when I am need of support, I sometimes don't ask and prefer to struggle alone. One example was when someone close to me died, I was super upset and felt very emotional about it, but I didn't verbalize that I needed help.

It's not that I didn't want to burden him, it's that I felt if I broke down I would feel embarrassed and vulnerable. So that day instead, I went to a Yoga class and during class I was crying. My Yoga teacher noticed and asked if I was alright and I said I was just sad and then she gave me a nice hug which was really sweet.

It's not that my BF that says I am a bit reticent, an ex boyfriend when I was breaking up with him, he cried and mentioned it which was really upsetting to hear because I didn't know he felt that way. We spoke a couple years later as friends and he said the same thing. He said he loved me so much but that I was a little bit closed off and it was hard to really get close to me. Which, I found odd because he and I were like best friends. Our physically intimate life was fantastic and he and I would talk about pretty deep things, but he felt he could never get really close. He said he always felt like I held a bit of myself back yet I don't remember ever actively doing that.

All of this made me really curious and I started to look inside myself and reflect on why this might be.

BF likes to be a bit more physically affectionate I would say after we have been physically intimate or especially in the morning. He will lay on top of me and just start kissing my face, my forehead and giving me deep long hugs and I am still kind of sleepy so I sort of just stay there and enjoy the warmth of his body and the feel of his arms. He also likes to grab my hand when we are out and just hold it or give it a squeeze which I don't always like as much since I feel more like I am being put on display. I show my physical affection in other ways.

Off the top of my head, I love this little spot on the back of his shoulder (I don't know, he has these really cute birthmark/freckle things on his shoulder near his neck) and I love kissing and nibbling his soft skin. Feeling the contours of his back and tickling running my fingertips alongside it is also a favourite.

11 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I find it a bore to keep on talking about things that don’t matter. Like he says, "honey where did you eat today and how was dinner?" I reply, "it was great, yadda yadda, can we please talk about something else." (haha)

Hmmmmmm ... It can be extremely important and helpful and nourishing to a relationship for people to get a sense of the other person's day.

I have more to say but first I need to clarify something.

You mention meals in the quote at the top.  Do you also get bored when after work, your bf asks you "how as your day?" Or is your reaction specifically relating to meals.

BTW: one of my closest friends tells me all the time about his meals. He eats all over the place in our metro area and he really enjoys food. I hadn't thought about this, but I actually learn a lot about my friend from his restaurant stories. For one, he's retired and going out to eat is one of his life's joys. He goes out I would say 5 to 6 days a week. But I digress. Just wanna know if you find "how was your day" to be a boring question. 

In hindsight, "bore" was probably a poor choice of words.

I didn't mean to imply my BF is boring; he's a lot of fun. It's more that I need to decompress before I can chat about my day, but he's so eager to talk that I feel I have to respond quickly, making conversation seem like work. Better to say he's enthusiastic about hearing details than "boring."

Sometimes when people ask me questions that are a bit deeper, I notice that I wall up a bit and need to take some time to process and think more deeply about the issues before I can answer. This isn't always comfortable for me, so I tend to take a step back and think more about the question before providing an answer.

If I had to guess, it's kind of ingrained in me, Dad when he came home from work, first thing he did was close himself off in his room and we didn't see or speak to him for hours. He just wanted to be alone in silence.

I recognize this behavior in myself and while I don't mean to shut people out when they ask me questions, it's sometimes necessary for me to process the deeper thoughts and feelings before responding.

[glows]

I get the feeling you’re very aware and in tune with yourself and prefer not to impose any potential feelings such as sadness and grief on others. That happened when you were grieving the loss of someone close to you. You do have your own way of expressing yourself so hopefully your partner sees that. Someone close to you will be able to anticipate and feel what you feel just by your mannerisms or the way you talk or if you go outside of your normal routine. I would hope that the person is confident in themselves, knowing you and reading you, and not having low self esteem in general to keep needing validation or a verbal confirmation of your stream of thoughts to know the real you.

I’ve experienced this close relationship not just romantically but professionally where a business partner knew immediately whenever something was bothering me and knew from slight mannerisms what I was feeling on any given day. It was strictly professional and platonic, close relationship or understanding there that did not need a lot of words. 

There is also the element of time/time in a relationship to eventually understand each other more, place less demands on one another and accept one another as you are. I have the sense that you both do appreciate and understand one another overall. I don’t tend to think we need to always be in one another’s minds. Eventually the longer you’re around one another that usually happens very naturally.

Edited August 6, 2023 by glows

[Lotsgoingon]

I never considered bf boring. He's asking the type of questions that overwhelmingly these days partners will ask. I was asking about you, probing your discomfort with that kind of question, not commenting on him. 

Relationships have changed. It's like these days the preferred layout in homes is to have open areas, where people can be in the kitchen preparing a meal and see other rooms around them and carry on conversations with people in other rooms. Or the big thing (if people can afford it) is to have enough space so that guests can sit in the kitchen with you at a table while you prepare food. Contrast this scheme to the layout of the house I grew up in where rooms were basically walled off. Doors were narrow ... My mother working in the kitchen couldn't see into the dining room or the living room, which were just a few feet away. 

Well there is an analogy to relationships here. People want to see into us. I too kept my distance. And btw, I wouldn't call your behavior being independent. I am no more independent today (when I do share what's going on in real time with people) than I was then.  I would say I was more closed and distant or more "to myself." 

A couple of things. One, it's OK to cry with a bf after a death of someone close. You don't need to hide that. I know you don't intend this, but it is extremely jarring to the point of feeling stiff-armed pushed away when something painful and important happens and your partner doesn't share it with you immediately.  You might be under the impression that keeping it together is the goal. Actually, that's not necessarily the goal. The goal is to keep things together for the long term, and to survive and flourish over the long term we need to bend and pause and break and ask for help and receive help along the way. 

Sometimes when people ask me questions that are a bit deeper, I notice that I wall up a bit and need to take some time to process and think more deeply about the issues before I can answer. This isn't always comfortable for me, so I tend to take a step back and think more about the question before providing an answer. This is totally fine, but you got to say this aloud to people or else you have held at bay during what could be an intimate and important time. A guy I know who is an amazing communicator uses the phrase, "circle back" when he wants some time to think, as in, wow, good question. I'm not sure how to answer. Let me think on that and I'll circle back to it. His words sustain the closeness. 

You might be under the impression that people want fully articulate, clear, precise well-thought-out answers to questions like, "How was day?" They don't. You can give a confused, jumbled, mumbling, grunting answer--and they will feel they have the information they need to feel connected to you. Heck you can answer with a series of uncomfortable facial expressions and say, "I'm not sure." Because the question isn't as literal as you may be making it out to be. I interpret "how was your day?" to be more along the lines of hello and hi and good to see you and tell me a bit where you are emotionally so I'll know how to connect with you. "How was your day" is also just an invitation, akin to hey, you want to tell me anything interesting about your day. I'm so happy to see you. I'm ready to listen.

[FMW]

You are who you are. 

I understand the need to decompress after work and I'm not someone who wants to discuss my day most of the time beyond saying  "it was a productive day" or something similarly minimal, which to someone who likes to share everything probably would sound dismissive.  I don't like to discuss my feelings about everything all the time, and it takes time for me to get my thoughts together when I do have feelings that need to be expressed.  My boyfriend and I discussed this at the beginning of our relationship because he made a point several times early on of telling me that I could tell him anything.  I explained how I was and he accepted that about me.  That acceptance actually helps me be more expressive because I don't feel pressured.  At the end of a stressful day I love just sitting or lying together side by side and holding hands or touching in a gentle way.  That's how I feel connected and that's what opens me up to talk.  He recognizes that, so he gives me the time to "get there".

Unless you feel that you are purposely holding back with him or keeping your distance, consider that this is just part of who you are and explain this to him.  You're not being cold or distant, you just have a different way of handling your thoughts and emotions.  It seems that you enjoy a good level of compatibility,  this is just one of those things maybe he needs to try and understand and not feel it's something that needs to be "fixed" about you.  His acceptance would probably make it more comfortable for you to work on communication if you choose, not worrying about falling short of what he expects.  

[Gaeta]

6 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

One example was when someone close to me died, I was super upset and felt very emotional about it, but I didn't verbalize that I needed help

But did you need help? It sounds to me you have your way of dealing with things, you do it internally and you get on the otherside just fine. Your bf deals with his feelings a different way and he kinds of concludes you should deal with yours openly like he does...but we're all different and we have to accept each other's difference.

At the beginning of the year my bf lost his big sister. I tried to probe him a couple of times, thinking he needs to talk about it because that's the way l would deal with it. I've learn quickly he was not going to turn to me  and l respected it. He deals with things internally. I can only remind him l'm here for him for anything, and only that comforted him. 

A few years ago l needed a nose operation because l had broken it earlier in life and never took care of it. By my late 20s l had constant headaches and faceaches, l could not breath from the left side anymore. The operation changed my life!! 

[Alpacalia]

We've been together for a year and a half and I'm wild about him but I don't want to just up and change now, or force myself to become something I'm not.

The other part of me feels it's good to open up to change, to grow, and to show vulnerability in a safe environment without feeling like I'm compromising myself. I feel like when it gets to a point where it's a recurring theme then I think it might be time to reevaluate the relationship.

It's because it has been a recurring theme in a lot of my relationships where I have been told that I am closed off and this is a major factor that has caused me to end a few relationships. Half the time I felt like I was dating someone of the same gender (which was not appealing to me, I'm heterosexual female), and the other time I felt like I was putting in practicum hours for my Doctorate in mind reading so that I could guess what he wanted.

Only time will tell if this is a trait that is going to “stick” and if it’s something he can understand and work with.

49 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

A few years ago l needed a nose operation because l had broken it earlier in life and never took care of it. By my late 20s l had constant headaches and faceaches, l could not breath from the left side anymore. The operation changed my life!! 

His nose is a hot mess (lol). Poor guy. Glad the operation changed your life! They're going to check on his nose in 6 months. The septum is a lot better than it was before but he's still having a lot of trouble breathing on one side.

He was not in the best spirits the other night (for good reason) after he helped me with some paperwork, so hopefully he's feeling a bit better.

I didn't want him to come over yesterday; instead, I wanted to focus on getting some work done.

Hopefully we'll reconnect on some of the other stuff soon.

[smackie9]

IMO this will take a lot of honest discussions with him. Everyone's POV in what being emotionally open is different. You can't just not be you...you are who you are and the way you are. He's gonna have to explain in more detail in what he expects from you. He's just gonna have to understand tho you will not be 100% of his expectations...there will have to be compromise/understanding. And you will have to be firm about that.

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

IMO this will take a lot of honest discussions with him. Everyone's POV in what being emotionally open is different. You can't just not be you...you are who you are and the way you are. He's gonna have to explain in more detail in what he expects from you. He's just gonna have to understand tho you will not be 100% of his expectations...there will have to be compromise/understanding. And you will have to be firm about that.

Danka. Do you think maybe it could have been that he's saying this stuff because he's been a bit off with after his injury and his uncle passing? I mean, this is kind of where it all came to a head?

Edited August 8, 2023 by Alpacalia

[smackie9]

11 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Danka. Do you think maybe it could have been that he's saying this stuff because he's been a bit off with after his injury and his uncle passing? I mean, this is kind of where it all came to a head?

I would say so...he wants something from you, but that will be up to him as to what that is. Don't assume, communicate!

[Alpacalia]

14 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I would say so...he wants something from you, but that will be up to him as to what that is. Don't assume, communicate!

Yeah, we talked a bit last night. Thanks smackie9!

His reasoning for citing that he feels I am emotionally closed off from him is what I suspected and that this all seemed to come to head after his accident. He felt really shaken up over it and was concerned that I didn't seem as worried about it as he thought I should have been. I tried to explain that I was concerned, but didn't want to add to his stress levels by making a huge deal out of it. I told him I was worried too, it was just a difference in the way we process and show feelings.

He is also concerned about his job and activities, as well as my job, school, and personal life and balancing the two. When I was stressed about something in the past, I sat on the grass outside. I would feel the warmth of his arms as he asked questions. "I don't know" or "That's all I feel" was sometimes the answer. That's it.", and I was okay with that.

He gives me space when I need it and listens when I need someone to talk to.

I think the communication between us works and he now understands me better. Part of me was worried when he initially said I was closed off emotionally. This is because maybe that meant that I didn't really feel that he was the one for me. As awful as it sounds it caused me a bit of anxiety because it felt like it challenged my autonomy.

I'll leave it there. I said that he couldn't expect me to continuously pour out my emotions whenever he asked or on demand. That isn't how I work. I said that I need to trust that he respects my limitations and that I won't constantly be put in a position where I have to share my emotions on demand.

Thanks to everyone for your help. ❤️

 

[smackie9]

13 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Yeah, we talked a bit last night. Thanks smackie9!

His reasoning for citing that he feels I am emotionally closed off from him is what I suspected and that this all seemed to come to head after his accident. He felt really shaken up over it and was concerned that I didn't seem as worried about it as he thought I should have been. I tried to explain that I was concerned, but didn't want to add to his stress levels by making a huge deal out of it. I told him I was worried too, it was just a difference in the way we process and show feelings.

He is also concerned about his job and activities, as well as my job, school, and personal life and balancing the two. When I was stressed about something in the past, I sat on the grass outside. I would feel the warmth of his arms as he asked questions. "I don't know" or "That's all I feel" was sometimes the answer. That's it.", and I was okay with that.

He gives me space when I need it and listens when I need someone to talk to.

I think the communication between us works and he now understands me better. Part of me was worried when he initially said I was closed off emotionally. This is because maybe that meant that I didn't really feel that he was the one for me. As awful as it sounds it caused me a bit of anxiety because it felt like it challenged my autonomy.

I'll leave it there. I said that he couldn't expect me to continuously pour out my emotions whenever he asked or on demand. That isn't how I work. I said that I need to trust that he respects my limitations and that I won't constantly be put in a position where I have to share my emotions on demand.

Thanks to everyone for your help. ❤️

 

If you ever ask a bunch of men what they really want, they will say a woman that is understanding, stands by their side, is supportive. That's what he wants...support/empathy. Guys had their mommies nurture them when they had a boo boo, so they look for that in a partner in adulthood. lol

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, smackie9 said:

If you ever ask a bunch of men what they really want, they will say a woman that is understanding, stands by their side, is supportive. That's what he wants...support/empathy. Guys had their mommies nurture them when they had a boo boo, so they look for that in a partner in adulthood. lol

And women secretly want to date someone like their Father. Whose your Daddy, whose your Daadayyyyy 😂