In love, but he lacks general knowledge, money and ambition

[Lost1981]

I'm 41 and a single mom. Some months ago I met someone, whom I got really interested in. We had a great connection and understanding from the start and short after decided to go on a first date. The date went well and we went on some more, but I felt like he was pressuring me to take things to another level (not sex, but meeting my child etc.). I ended it, but missed him, so we tried again. He stopped the pressure and everything was much better.

Now we have been dating for some time and both in love, but there are some things that bother me and that makes me doubting if I should continue. It's hard for me not to sound shallow, but first thing is that he lacks general knowledge. I'm not a walking encyclopedia either, but if I say something about a classic movie, an author, something historic, he hasn't heard of it. The other thing is that he has a very short education, an average job, but has a very low wage. He likes his job and doesn't want any more education. We have been fighting a couple of times, mostly because I get annoyed over something and then all the negative things are added to it. 

Of course there are also good things. As mentioned we have a strong connection and chemistry (also sexual), he is caring, he listens and is not afraid to talk about feelings or difficult things. We have fun when we are together and he's very easy to be around and is also very positive. He has met my child and seems interested in him, plays with him etc. 

I'm very confused about what to do. I like his personality, but I can't figure out what is important here.  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Lost1981 said:

 we have a strong connection and chemistry (also sexual). He has met my child and seems interested in him, plays with him etc. 

How long have you been dating? He seems like a nice guy but you don't seem to have common interests as far as topics to discuss. How old is your son? 

[Lost1981]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? He seems like a nice guy but you don't seem to have common interests as far as topics to discuss. How old is your son? 

Dating for about 4 months. My son is 1 year old. 

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Lost1981 said:

I'm very confused about what to do. I like his personality, but I can't figure out what is important here.  

Yes, that’s the question you have to ask yourself. What is important to you? What are your core values?

I’m of the belief that sexual chemistry has led to a lot of dysfunctional relationships. People seem willing to ignore core incompatibilities for the sake of sexual chemistry, only to experience the inevitable demise of the relationship in the long run.

As far as general knowledge goes, I’d wager he has a lot of it, just not in the areas that you’re interested in. He might know a lot about sports, or cars, or video games for example. 

 

But generally I’d say if these incompatibilities are concerning to you at the 4 month mark, might be best to end things sooner rather than later. You’re still in the honeymoon phase and bith generally on your best behaviour. 

Edited August 6, 2023 by Weezy1973

[ShyViolet]

Sounds like he's good for some short-term fun and companionship (and sex) but not long-term relationship material.

A guy lacking in intelligence would be a major turn-off for me.  And the fact that he has a crappy job, but plans to stay in the position that he's at and has no ambitions to strive for something better, well now you know that he's not someone you should plan a life with, especially since you have a child to think about.  If you are looking for a long-term relationship then you should end it.  If you are open to just casually dating, you could continue this for now but you should be very open and honest with him now that you don't see this leading to something long-term.

[Alpacalia]

It's going to boil down to the connection you and he share or the differences in general knowledge. 

Do you consider a strong connection and chemistry (both sexually and emotionally) the most important thing or is it someone having "general knowledge?".

If you cherish knowledge and general information, and want to share those experiences and conversations with someone, then it may be worth considering whether this relationship can offer you that. He's not going to all of a sudden "magically" become more knowledgeable overnight and you can't expect that he will. If, however, the connection and chemistry you share overrides other superficial differences, then it's up to you to decide if it's worth pursuing. It's unwise to write off a potential connection just because one or both of you lacks in a certain area. But, if you're convinced that a lack of knowledge is important to you and your relationship, then it may not be the best fit. 

His finances is another issue to consider, since being in a relationship can be expensive, and if your finances are currently incompatible, it will cause additional stress for both of you.

If you want to discuss these subjects, the two of you can become educated together and learn together, which can be a fun and positive experience. But if you find it a turn-off, then this isn't the right relationship for you. I had a boyfriend that lacked general ambition and drive, and it was one of the reasons why we couldn't make it work in the long run at that stage in my life.

It's widely said that opposites attract, but they don't really mix. The more you understand what you want in a partner, the more you can decide if he fits the bill.

Edited August 6, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Lost1981]

Thank you for the replies. I know you're right and it makes me sad, because earlier today I met with him and felt all the sparks and butterflies, but it has to end. I'm sad that I have fallen in love and it's mutual, and we're not a match.

I don't really think he's stupid. I think he's smart. Honestly. He's good at finding solutions and he understands things quickly when I or someone explains something to him. I'm rather slow at that actually. He's also really emotional intelligent. I just wish he could be the whole package. I wish that when my child starts school and needs help with his homework, stepdad will know things like what happened on Easter etc. 

[Calmandfocused]

So if I’m understanding this correctly you have a decent man who loves and respects you, and is happy in his career and life. 
 

A man who is willing to take you on with a very young baby (who is not his) and is happy to do so. 

And a man who clearly accepts you for all you are and all that you come with. 
 

Yet you are castigating him because he doesn’t know a few facts that you do and has a career that is not worthy enough in your opinion.

Respectfully I think you’re out of order. It’s up to him what he does for a living, not you. If he’s happy, he’s happy and you need to respect that. 
 

He doesn’t need to change his attitude here. You do. 
 

If you can’t accept him,  let him go and find someone who can appreciate him for who he is, exactly how he is. 
 

 

[Lost1981]

10 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

So if I’m understanding this correctly you have a decent man who loves and respects you, and is happy in his career and life. 
 

A man who is willing to take you on with a very young baby (who is not his) and is happy to do so. 

And a man who clearly accepts you for all you are and all that you come with. 
 

Yet you are castigating him because he doesn’t know a few facts that you do and has a career that is not worthy enough in your opinion.

Respectfully I think you’re out of order. It’s up to him what he does for a living, not you. If he’s happy, he’s happy and you need to respect that. 
 

He doesn’t need to change his attitude here. You do. 
 

If you can’t accept him,  let him go and find someone who can appreciate him for who he is, exactly how he is. 
 

 

Well, in a way you're right, but it's not that simple. It's not "a few facts"; it's quite a lot. And the money issue is important, because I don't want that we can't do things like travelling or moving to something bigger unless I pay for it. But at the same time I can't figure out HOW important that is...that is why I made this thread. 

[Calmandfocused]

Just now, Lost1981 said:

Well, in a way you're right, but it's not that simple. It's not "a few facts"; it's quite a lot. And the money issue is important, because I don't want that we can't do things like travelling or moving to something bigger unless I pay for it. But at the same time I can't figure out HOW important that is...that is why I made this thread. 

Understood Lost 

Bur the point is you knew his job (and probably had at least a rough idea of his salary) when you met him. 
 

You accepted it at the start and you accepted it to the degree that you’ve built a loving relationship with him, to the point you’ve introduced him into your child’s life. This is big stuff. 

Why is his job/ salary a problem now at this stage? 
 

His job is to financially support himself. As long as he can do that why is there an issue? Go on cheaper holidays that he can afford - simple. 
 

Also I will tell you that I am a woman with a high flying career. I have very specialist knowledge and skills in my subject area. However my general knowledge is terrible. Does that make me stupid? No it doesn’t. It just means that no one will ever win a pub quiz with me on their team. 
 

It doesn’t make your man stupid either. It just makes him different to you. 
 

Only you can decide if that difference makes you incompatible long term. 

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Lost1981 said:

I just wish he could be the whole package.

This doesn’t exist. No man was put on the planet for your happiness. You come with some baggage, so you’re not exactly the “whole package” either. I’m not saying that means you shouldn’t end things with him. Just be realistic in your prospects if you want a long term partner. 

[S2B]

End it mainly based on the fact that you are judging him and it’s completely disrespecting him.

you want perfection? Ok, then get out there and let us know how that goes for you.

but please, end it because this guy deserves better.

[Gaeta]

I have a friend who's a university graduate and has a high profile job at government. Her bf is a part time mailman. He spent 30 years of his life playing music in the streets, he's completely different than her in every possible aspects but he loves her and he helped her raise her 3 kids to adulthood. He is adorable, funny, always there to help. When she's invited to high functions she's there in her corporate suit and he's there in his jeans and long thick hair to his waist! 

She has never once been embarassed by their difference because she is her own woman and count on herself to acheive her dream, not waiting on a man for a bigger home, better car, travelling, etc. 

To me that's love. She loves his free spirit, his authenticity, and his devotion to her and her children. 

[Lost1981]

13 minutes ago, S2B said:

End it mainly based on the fact that you are judging him and it’s completely disrespecting him.

you want perfection? Ok, then get out there and let us know how that goes for you.

but please, end it because this guy deserves better.

No, not perfection. But maybe someone who has the same education level and has a wage that is not far from mine, so we can be more equal. 

[Alpacalia]

27 minutes ago, Lost1981 said:

No, not perfection. But maybe someone who has the same education level and has a wage that is not far from mine, so we can be more equal. 

Okay but you knew he didn't have the same level of education as you initially and you overlooked it. Four months is still a short amount of time to get to know someone well. You've already broken up with him once and now you're considering it again. It's not fair to him to keep breaking up with him every time something that you noticed before seems to be an issue now.

[Charis Barachel shalom]

What matters, it's the chemistry between you guys, I mean, money is important, and we all want more. But the love you both have is what really matters. Don't miss out; he's a nice person.

Edited August 6, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
formatting

[MsJayne]

49 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I have a friend who's a university graduate and has a high profile job at government. Her bf is a part time mailman. He spent 30 years of his life playing music in the streets, he's completely different than her in every possible aspects but he loves her and he helped her raise her 3 kids to adulthood. He is adorable, funny, always there to help. When she's invited to high functions she's there in her corporate suit and he's there in his jeans and long thick hair to his waist! 

She has never once been embarassed by their difference because she is her own woman and count on herself to acheive her dream, not waiting on a man for a bigger home, better car, travelling, etc. 

To me that's love. She loves his free spirit, his authenticity, and his devotion to her and her children. 

And this ^ is also me.  I was a professional, my partner a tradesman. I earned more money than him, had my own home, and knew from the start that he had very little and was re-building his life after being married to a career gold-digger. I like cult movies and comedy, and he likes anything with car chases and gratuitous violence. We cannot agree on how to make bolognese, it's an ongoing "sauce" of disagreement . He may not know who Jean-Paul Sartre was, but I don't know how to strip down a car engine and put it back together. There are many more things in which we're supposedly incompatible, (or just pleasantly different, depending how you look at it), but love sees past those things. 

3 hours ago, Lost1981 said:

I wish that when my child starts school and needs help with his homework, stepdad will know things like what happened on Easter etc. 

Really? Is knowledge of religion more important than life skills to you? What about if your son gets to late high school and needs help with advanced mathematics? Will your husband be expected to know all the answers? What would you rather, a guy who reaches for his shifter spanner when a water pipe bursts or a guy who calls the plumber and comforts you with stories of Noah's Ark while you watch your house flood? 

11 hours ago, Lost1981 said:

he is caring, he listens and is not afraid to talk about feelings or difficult things. We have fun when we are together and he's very easy to be around and is also very positive.

Sounds like a great guy who would be an excellent influence on your son. What a shame he can't recite the Magna Carta. 

[glows]

I think if you’re turned off (and this is valid) it’s best to end it permanently and amicably call this off.

Are you sure you’re not comparing him to an ex or someone else either? He sounds ok to me.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Lost1981 said:

. I wish that when my child starts school and needs help with his homework, stepdad will know things like what happened on Easter etc. 

Sorry this is happening. It seems like you like this man, so you may have to reflect if staying a single mother is what you want. Right now your income is what it is without his. Right now you can interact with your child and in the future give him whatever education you choose. These things aren't really up to a BF. 

[S2B]

2 hours ago, Lost1981 said:

No, not perfection. But maybe someone who has the same education level and has a wage that is not far from mine, so we can be more equal. 

Then find someone else better suited to your preference. 

[basil67]

5 hours ago, Lost1981 said:

I wish that when my child starts school and needs help with his homework, stepdad will know things like what happened on Easter etc. 

I think you're inventing problems in advance.   And to be fair, it's not a parent's role to teach the child their homework topic.   Rather, the parent should be teaching the child how to research the topic themselves.  All you need to do is bookmark some good general knowledge websites aimed at children. 

How solid are your man's practical skills?  Do you value those at all?

 

[Gaeta]

17 hours ago, Lost1981 said:

We have been fighting a couple of times, mostly because I get annoyed over something and then all the negative things are added to it. 

You get annoyed over what? 

[Lost1981]

6 hours ago, MsJayne said:

And this ^ is also me.  I was a professional, my partner a tradesman. I earned more money than him, had my own home, and knew from the start that he had very little and was re-building his life after being married to a career gold-digger. I like cult movies and comedy, and he likes anything with car chases and gratuitous violence. We cannot agree on how to make bolognese, it's an ongoing "sauce" of disagreement . He may not know who Jean-Paul Sartre was, but I don't know how to strip down a car engine and put it back together. There are many more things in which we're supposedly incompatible, (or just pleasantly different, depending how you look at it), but love sees past those things. 

Really? Is knowledge of religion more important than life skills to you? What about if your son gets to late high school and needs help with advanced mathematics? Will your husband be expected to know all the answers? What would you rather, a guy who reaches for his shifter spanner when a water pipe bursts or a guy who calls the plumber and comforts you with stories of Noah's Ark while you watch your house flood? 

Sounds like a great guy who would be an excellent influence on your son. What a shame he can't recite the Magna Carta. 

No, it's not more important, but it is important. I don't think that knowing what happened on Easter or Christmas is rocket science. Or in which countries some of the major capitals in Europe are (we live in Europe). 

He doesn't have any practical skills by the way. 

[Lost1981]

7 hours ago, Charis Barachel shalom said:

What matters, it's the chemistry between you guys, I mean, money is important, and we all want more. But the love you both have is what really matters. Don't miss out; he's a nice person.

I know. But the negative things are affecting my feelings for him. I try not to think about it, but then he says "I don't know what that is/means" and some of my butterflies just dies. And it really is simple things. We are not discussing philisophy together. It is normal low level daily conversations. 

Edited August 7, 2023 by Lost1981

[MsJayne]

31 minutes ago, Lost1981 said:

No, it's not more important, but it is important. I don't think that knowing what happened on Easter or Christmas is rocket science. Or in which countries some of the major capitals in Europe are (we live in Europe). 

He doesn't have any practical skills by the way. 

OK, no practical skills 😬.  If you were lost or stranded somewhere and you were injured and unconscious, and your BF was the person who had to use his nous to get you to safety, would you feel confident that he could do that? If your answer to that is 'no', then, nice guy or not, he's probably not the guy for you because you don't actually trust his judgment or abilities.