In love, but he lacks general knowledge, money and ambition

[assertives]

I feel like I get what you are saying and also not understand what's wrong at the same time. On paper and in theory, he seems like he's a good candidate for a life partner, but if this doesn't feel right to you, and you find yourself picking on the little negative things in life with him, perhaps he just isn't the right person for you.

Don't be misled by the feel good feelings you have for each other now, such feelings ultimately die and you need to ask yourself do you actually like him as a person underneath when all the new relationship feel good feelings die down? You have already broken up with him once over this, and instead of feeling like you made a mistake the first time around, you are back to where you first were when you decided to call it a day.

Trust your instincts, if it doesn't feel right, then it's not right. It does not have to make sense. You have already given this a second go.

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, MsJayne said:

OK, no practical skills 😬.  If you were lost or stranded somewhere and you were injured and unconscious, and your BF was the person who had to use his nous to get you to safety, would you feel confident that he could do that? If your answer to that is 'no', then, nice guy or not, he's probably not the guy for you because you don't actually trust his judgment or abilities.

MsJayne is on to something. This would bother me. Not because I can't do those things myself, I can refinish furniture and build simple things, but I love when a man knows how to do those things because I equate that with a sense of safety and security. My guy installed a house generator and has built several structures, I even observed a few of them. And, yes, I love grilling and he's awesome at that as well! Knowing that he can take care of things can make me more relaxed and not have to worry about things. It also gives me the confidence to know that he can also handle taking care of other aspects of life.

That being said, I think this is something you should consider. It's not about him being a Renaissance Man, but having the skills to manage the practical issues of life. It's about feeling like you can rely on him, and that you can both manage the practical aspects of life together. 

If you want a smart guy, and the other things you mentioned...You need to compromise in other areas to balance the equation. The brains he has will give him more value than yours. If you want him to be intelligent, dominant, and hot, (for instance) yeah, you had better have insane value to pull a guy like that down for a LTR.

Are you not attracted to men who have a different level of educational attainment than you, or to those who you consider to be not very smart? Is it both, or is it one or the other exclusively? Because each theoretical polarization has a different answer.

Educationally? If so, then date only in your specialty. Done.

[giotto]

OP,  you two come from two different worlds and it seems you have very little in common. It's not a very good base for a LTR, IMO.

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

If you want him to be intelligent, dominant, and hot, (for instance) yeah, you had better have insane value to pull a guy like that down for a LTR.

OP, I think this is one of the reasons you’re getting a bit of pushback on here. You’re not going to get, in your words “the whole package”. This still likely is not the guy for you. Again it’s only four months, you’ve already broken up once, and you’re having all these thoughts now. 
 

The second reason is that you keep describing traits of his as “negative” and none of them are actually negative. They’re just perhaps different from what you’d prefer. And that’s fine. You’re allowed to have preferences, but people who don’t have those traits aren’t worse human beings. It doesn’t make them negative traits. You are just incompatible. And that’s okay. That’s why it’s good to date people for quite awhile before making long term decisions like getting married and / or starting a family together. It doesn’t sound like these incompatibilities are something that you’ll be able to overlook. So time to end it. But keep what @Alpacalia said in mind and make sure your expectations for a partner are reasonable. 

[Lost1981]

1 hour ago, assertives said:

I feel like I get what you are saying and also not understand what's wrong at the same time. On paper and in theory, he seems like he's a good candidate for a life partner, but if this doesn't feel right to you, and you find yourself picking on the little negative things in life with him, perhaps he just isn't the right person for you.

Don't be misled by the feel good feelings you have for each other now, such feelings ultimately die and you need to ask yourself do you actually like him as a person underneath when all the new relationship feel good feelings die down? You have already broken up with him once over this, and instead of feeling like you made a mistake the first time around, you are back to where you first were when you decided to call it a day.

Trust your instincts, if it doesn't feel right, then it's not right. It does not have to make sense. You have already given this a second go.

Thank you for this. I'm thinking that it's also the other way around...on paper he isn't a good candidate for a long term relationship, but it feels right. Well, at least sometimes. We do have a good connection and I am attracted to him. But as I have written before, those feelings could disappear over time if the negative things grow too much.

[Ageless Wisdom23]

I believe you do not accept him unconditionally in some areas.  But in Others, He is quite pleasing to the eye to you.  In any Person, You cannot always have it where they are "Picture Perfect."  And with what you have began and seeing he has a connection with your child(Many do not want baggage)He may be Mr. Right.🥰

Edited August 7, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23

[JTSW]

23 hours ago, Lost1981 said:

I can't figure out what is important here.  

It's important to let him go now so he can find someone that will actually appreciate him.

13 hours ago, Lost1981 said:

No, not perfection. But maybe someone who has the same education level and has a wage that is not far from mine, so we can be more equal. 

No-one is really equal.

Everyone is different.

You accept and appreciate people for who they are.

Realistically here, you are not good enough for him because you are not happy with a good guy who loves and cares for you.

Set him free.

[JTSW]

3 hours ago, Lost1981 said:

He can't build a closet or hang up my lamps. 

So.....

[JTSW]

The bottom line here is that you expect too much.

Who he is is not good enough for you.

He deserves better than you belittling him like this.

[giotto]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

The second reason is that you keep describing traits of his as “negative” and none of them are actually negative.  

Lack of knowledge, very little education and low paid job are not negative traits? I guess it depends on what kind of partner you are looking for... it wouldn't do for me. But we are all different (luckily).

[Lost1981]

28 minutes ago, JTSW said:

So.....

Those things are not important for me. That was just examples, because someone asked about his practical skills.

[Weezy1973]

4 minutes ago, giotto said:

Lack of knowledge, very little education and low paid job are not negative traits? I guess it depends on what kind of partner you are looking for... it wouldn't do for me. But we are all different (luckily).

Correct, they’re not negative traits. Even if they wouldn’t do for you. Negative traits are things like: being abusive, constant lying, disloyal, etc. Level of knowledge, education and income are just preferences. 

[giotto]

12 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Correct, they’re not negative traits. Even if they wouldn’t do for you. Negative traits are things like: being abusive, constant lying, disloyal, etc. Level of knowledge, education and income are just preferences. 

I guess we view the world differently. Which is not a negative thing... 😃

[JTSW]

24 minutes ago, Lost1981 said:

Those things are not important for me. That was just examples, because someone asked about his practical skills.

So you're more worried about what others think?

[MsJayne]

4 hours ago, Lost1981 said:

Ok, he can cook some simple meals. But that depends what you mean by practical skills. He can't build a closet or hang up my lamps. 

Hmm, I’m starting to see the problem. You feel you always have to dumb down your conversation style because he’s not as well-read or worldly as you, he doesn’t know his way around a power drill, he doesn’t earn enough to live the lifestyle that you envision for yourself. He may be lovable, but you’re not in love with him, and that’s why you nitpick him. You’re not actually angry at him, you’re angry at yourself because you’re settling for someone who actually isn’t even close to what you want. No one deserves to be settled for 😊

[Lost1981]

5 minutes ago, JTSW said:

So you're more worried about what others think?

No? How do you get that from? Someone in this thread asked about his practical skills. I answered. 

[Lost1981]

7 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Hmm, I’m starting to see the problem. You feel you always have to dumb down your conversation style because he’s not as well-read or worldly as you, he doesn’t know his way around a power drill, he doesn’t earn enough to live the lifestyle that you envision for yourself. He may be lovable, but you’re not in love with him, and that’s why you nitpick him. You’re not actually angry at him, you’re angry at yourself because you’re settling for someone who actually isn’t even close to what you want. No one deserves to be settled for 😊

The first part isn't correct. I AM in love because of all the good things about him. I have written that multiple times. If I wasn't in love there would be no problem...I would easily break up then. The problem is that I am in love, but there are some (in my eyes) negative things that bothers me and I don't know if I should or can look past them.

But you're right about that I'm a angry at myself. 

Edited August 7, 2023 by Lost1981

[JTSW]

1 hour ago, Lost1981 said:

Someone in this thread asked about his practical skills.

My mistake. I thought you meant someone in your life in general.

Bottom line here is, you have a really good man that loves you, loyal, kind but doesn't meet your intellect.

What exactly do you want to do?

[giotto]

29 minutes ago, JTSW said:

What exactly do you want to do?

She doesn't know... that's why she is here... 😃

[Lost1981]

2 minutes ago, giotto said:

She doesn't know... that's why she is here... 😃

 Thanks!

[BaileyB]

As the saying goes, pick a partner who makes you laugh and with whom you can have great conversations because this will matter more as the years go by…

I believe that to be true. I once dated a man who had a heart of gold - very nice person. But, he couldn’t have a decent conversation. He wasn’t curious, he wasn’t well educated/knowledgeable, and I was bored every time we talked. I tried so hard to make it work because he was such a good guy, but I just wasn’t attracted to him because we just couldn’t connect. I get it. 

[Gaeta]

So, how did he get to have no skills and no basic knowledge in his 40s? Did he have a learning disability? Did he drop out of school early? 

I know plenty of people with low education but they understand current politics, they're aware of world events, they watch the news and keep informed. Does he do that? 

He does not know the details of  xmas and easter because? I'm trying to grasp how he has so little knowledge of his surrounding.

[Lost1981]

28 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

So, how did he get to have no skills and no basic knowledge in his 40s? Did he have a learning disability? Did he drop out of school early? 

I know plenty of people with low education but they understand current politics, they're aware of world events, they watch the news and keep informed. Does he do that? 

He does not know the details of  xmas and easter because? I'm trying to grasp how he has so little knowledge of his surrounding.

I don't know. I know he reads the news, but I also know that some topics don't have his interest (politics for example). He went to high school and has a short education. His parents are not educated and his friends also only have short educations. He is the first in his family who went to high school.

I don't really want to ask further about these things so I don't make him uncomfortable. 

Edited August 7, 2023 by Lost1981

[glows]

I have a sinking feeling I know what you’re describing and it’s ok to end it if it’s not for you.

This is not a match.

[MsJayne]

3 hours ago, Lost1981 said:

The first part isn't correct. I AM in love because of all the good things about him. I have written that multiple times. If I wasn't in love there would be no problem...I would easily break up then. The problem is that I am in love, but there are some (in my eyes) negative things that bothers me and I don't know if I should or can look past them.

But you're right about that I'm an angry at myself. 

 I’m quite confused now. Can I ask what happens when you have a disagreement, what are “the other negatives” that come up? Do you mean that when you’ve argued you start dwelling on the parts of him you don’t like? Or have you only recently started really noticing the negatives? Because that’s the normal course of a relationship, around the 3-4 month mark when the initial excitement’s worn off you start to take notice of what was there all the time but didn’t strike you as annoying, and may even have seemed cute. For instance, when I first met my partner I thought it was really great that he loved a good chat about anything. Three months later I regularly found myself wishing he’d shut up while I was watching the news, and now, four years down the track I sometimes consider drugging him so that I can watch a movie uninterrupted 😂.  Some negatives you have to accept if you want to make a relationship work. Getting on a partner’s nerves is part of the job description, as is being tolerant of their imperfections and aware of your own.