In love, but he lacks general knowledge, money and ambition

[Weezy1973]

4 hours ago, Lost1981 said:

I AM in love because of all the good things about him. 

I think you’re being really smart about this. Choosing a man who potentially will be the stepfather of your child is a big decision. I suspect you’re also acutely aware that being a single mom of a very young child does limit your options, so I can see why you’re struggling. 
 

I will say just generally not knowing the origins of certain religious holidays shouldn’t be a big deal (unless you’re that religion I suppose). I don’t really know those things about Ramadan or Hanukkah. I happen to know Christmas and Easter because I went to school with kids that were Christian but it was never taught to us and my parents didn’t tell us as they’re not religious. When we were kids Christmas was Santa and Easter was the Easter Bunny. 
 

But yes, it seems like these are core incompatibilities that will only become more apparent with time. I know I’ve fallen in love a couple of times with women where we were not very compatible. Mostly it was based on initial attraction and physical chemistry. So I get it. 

[Ami1uwant]

22 hours ago, Lost1981 said:

Thank you for the replies. I know you're right and it makes me sad, because earlier today I met with him and felt all the sparks and butterflies, but it has to end. I'm sad that I have fallen in love and it's mutual, and we're not a match.

I don't really think he's stupid. I think he's smart. Honestly. He's good at finding solutions and he understands things quickly when I or someone explains something to him. I'm rather slow at that actually. He's also really emotional intelligent. I just wish he could be the whole package. I wish that when my child starts school and needs help with his homework, stepdad will know things like what happened on Easter etc. 

remember people have different interests.  He does not have interest in history and classic movies.  How important is thst to you?

 

for me personally there are things I wouldn’t do on my own but might be willing to do if I wasn’t the lead on it.

 

does his career require education? It might not. Hr might like ehat he does and is good at it. Of course e onomic differences can be an issue.

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, Lost1981 said:

I don't know. I know he reads the news, but I also know that some topics don't have his interest (politics for example). He went to high school and has a short education. His parents are not educated and his friends also only have short educations. He is the first in his family who went to high school.

I don't really want to ask further about these things so I don't make him uncomfortable. 

I read the news…but I have a level of hate for politics. I understand what’s going on but I don’t need to watch babbling talking heads

[Ami1uwant]

5 hours ago, Lost1981 said:

The first part isn't correct. I AM in love because of all the good things about him. I have written that multiple times. If I wasn't in love there would be no problem...I would easily break up then. The problem is that I am in love, but there are some (in my eyes) negative things that bothers me and I don't know if I should or can look past them.

But you're right about that I'm an angry at myself. 

What exactly are these bad things?   

when I was with my ex her daughter was in high school. Her mom came to the US at 20 from Latin America. She coukd help her child in Spanish and some science but not in history or advanced math.

 

 

some perspective here……

I live in an apartment. I don’t fix things. It goes against the rules of my lease. Do you hold thst against me if I don’t know how to do those things?

 

I can cook. I make things that are easier to do because I’m feeding myself. If I try to do a lot on my own a lot goes to waste because I’m not feeding 4+ people.

…..so what is actually important? What is silly and frivolous?

 

 

[Will am I]

On 8/6/2023 at 10:36 AM, Lost1981 said:

but first thing is that he lacks general knowledge. I'm not a walking encyclopedia either, but if I say something about a classic movie, an author, something historic, he hasn't heard of it. The other thing is that he has a very short education, an average job, but has a very low wage. He likes his job and doesn't want any more education.

If this annoys you now, the annoyance can grow. You might end up in a relationship, a marriage even, and feel you “married down” with the resentment building up.

[Lost1981]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

What does he do for work?

does his work support his standard of living?

I rather not say, because I'm paranoid he'll find this thread and recognize himself  But yes, he can support himself and has money left when the bills are paid. But the wage is low (not only in my opinion, but in my country). 

[Lost1981]

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

I think you’re being really smart about this. Choosing a man who potentially will be the stepfather of your child is a big decision. I suspect you’re also acutely aware that being a single mom of a very young child does limit your options, so I can see why you’re struggling. 
 

I will say just generally not knowing the origins of certain religious holidays shouldn’t be a big deal (unless you’re that religion I suppose). I don’t really know those things about Ramadan or Hanukkah. I happen to know Christmas and Easter because I went to school with kids that were Christian but it was never taught to us and my parents didn’t tell us as they’re not religious. When we were kids Christmas was Santa and Easter was the Easter Bunny. 
 

But yes, it seems like these are core incompatibilities that will only become more apparent with time. I know I’ve fallen in love a couple of times with women where we were not very compatible. Mostly it was based on initial attraction and physical chemistry. So I get it. 

I really like your post. And you're right. I'm aware that as a single mom in my forties with a toddler, the men don't really stand in line for me. 

Right now it's really hard for me to end it. I'm not sure I'm ready. Maybe someday if all the butterflies disappear. But right now I know I will miss him terribly if I never saw him again. Maybe it will solve itself somehow. I know it's not mature not to do anything, but I have to be 100 % sure if I end it again.

[BaileyB]

52 minutes ago, Lost1981 said:

I know it's not mature not to do anything, but I have to be 100 % sure if I end it again.

I am sure that you realize this, but nobody checks all the boxes. 

I’m curious, why do you have the expectation that your boyfriend should do homework with your kid? And, could you not hire someone to help with the home repairs? Or, learn to do these things yourself? My brother couldn’t replace a light bulb. His wife has learned to do many things, they have hired people to do home repairs, it hasn’t affected their marriage negatively in any way.

If you are not feeling it, you are not feeling it. It seems to me, you are feeling it but he just doesn't meet certain expectations. If that’s the case, you either need to change your expectations or let him go… because, to keep him for your benefit when you don’t respect him seems like a rather unkind thing to do. 

 

Edited August 7, 2023 by BaileyB

[JTSW]

6 hours ago, giotto said:

She doesn't know... that's why she is here... 😃

What I mean is she either wants to be with him or she doesn't.

I personally think he deserves better and she shouldn't be belittling him to thousands of strangers online.

It should be something she discusses with him.

[Lost1981]

17 minutes ago, JTSW said:

What I mean is she either wants to be with him or she doesn't.

I personally think he deserves better and she shouldn't be belittling him to thousands of strangers online.

It should be something she discusses with him.

Well, you could say something like that about many posts in this forum. People are sharing problems before or instead of talking to their partner. Is that not fair enough? 

And what do you suggest I say to him? "I can't be with you, because you just don't know basic stuff"? 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Lost1981 said:

 right now I know I will miss him terribly if I never saw him again. 

True. It's only 16 weeks and you only know so much about each other. Try to view him for who he is and what that means as far as happiness and compatibility.

Please try not to keep viewing him through the lens of future stepfather and what his role would be. This is what's causing a lot of your headaches and heartaches.

[Lost1981]

40 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I am sure that you realize this, but nobody checks all the boxes. 

I’m curious, why do you have the expectation that your boyfriend should do homework with your kid? And, could you not hire someone to help with the home repairs? Or, learn to do these things yourself? My brother couldn’t replace a light bulb. His wife has learned to do many things, they have hired people to do home repairs, it hasn’t affected their marriage negatively in any way.

If you are not feeling it, you are not feeling it. It seems to me, you are feeling it but he just doesn't meet certain expectations. If that’s the case, you either need to change your expectations or let him go… because, to keep him for your benefit when you don’t respect him seems like a rather unkind thing to do. 

 

When I was little my parents helped me with my homework when I got stuck. Or just sat with me and I could ask them if I needed help or wanted more knowledge. They would take me to the library and help me find books so I could learn more (that was before the internet and when I was 9-11 years old). It was something nice we did together. Don't parents do that anymore? 

Edited August 7, 2023 by Lost1981

[Alpacalia]

May I ask how would you feel if your boyfriend was on the fence about you because he didn't feel you were tall enough? These aren't incompatibilities like a difference in religion or lifestyle, but rather something about him that is incredibly personal. It's not that you're wrong for wanting these things, but again, you knew this about him when you took him back the second time so what did you feel was going to change the second time around?

The intelligence issue will eventually frustrate you, and when he realizes this, it will only hurt him. If you don't understand and trust each other's opinions and thoughts on some key things in your relationship, such as finances, raising children, respecting the other person's goals and ambitions, communication, and other important things to you, it will be hard for the two of you to make it work.

I understand that you're in love with him and this must be hard for you but part of loving someone also means acknowledging your incompatibilities and leaving room for understanding and respect. If you can't do that then let him go. It doesn't mean you don't love him, it just means the relationship isn't right for the both of you.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Lost1981 said:

When I was little my parents helped me with my homework when I got stuck. Or just sat with me and I could ask them if I needed help or wanted more knowledge

My parents both have a grade 6 education and they would help us with learning things by heart but they could not explain to us our math or grammar but the 4 of us kids still went on to have  college & Uni education. Our parents supported us by being proud of us, by telling us how important education was, and being present for us all the way. My mom and dad could not teach me any capital of the world but they are still responsible for us to have succeed at school. 

[basil67]

9 hours ago, Gaeta said:

He does not know the details of  xmas and easter because? I'm trying to grasp how he has so little knowledge of his surrounding.

Perhaps he's not of a Christian background?  I'd be hard pushed to educate someone on Islamic or Jewish holidays.  Or perhaps (and I think it's likely) the OP is exaggerating  

 

 

Edited August 7, 2023 by basil67

[Gaeta]

33 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Or perhaps (and I think it's likely) the OP is exaggerating  

You're reading my mind. The man does watch the news she said. To do so you have to have an interest in current events and an understanding of the world's logistic right! 

Most people know what is xmas but even l, born and raised catholic, don't remember the name of the 3 wise men! 

Would be interesting to know what OP consider basic knowledge? 

If the man doesn't know there was a world war l and ll,  l'd be worried but l would not care about small details and certainly not worry about names of European Capitals. 

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, Lost1981 said:

When I was little my parents helped me with my homework when I got stuck. Or just sat with me and I could ask them if I needed help or wanted more knowledge. They would take me to the library and help me find books so I could learn more (that was before the internet and when I was 9-11 years old). It was something nice we did together. Don't parents do that anymore? 

He’s not the child’s parent. 

Even as a step parent, if you were to marry, it would not be his role. You are responsible to discipline and educate your own child. If anyone should be helping your child with their homework, it should be you - his parent. 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

My parents both have a grade 6 education and they would help us with learning things by heart but they could not explain to us our math or grammar. 

All that I remember my mom helping me with was spelling and the occasional science project. And, she was a teacher by training. 

[Lost1981]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

He’s not the child’s parent. 

Even as a step parent, if you were to marry, it would not be his role. You are responsible to discipline and educate your own child. If anyone should be helping your child with their homework, it should be you - his parent. 

I believe that as a stepparent you also have some responsibility and influence. You have the right to discipline the child and teach it things. You can't be just a passive family member and most stepparents also want to play an active role in the family and struggle when they are told that they shouldn’t do that. I know I would be number 1, but I don't see anything wrong with the stepdad also helps with the daily household and with the homework sometimes. Otherwise I can just stay being a single mom. 

[Lost1981]

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

You're reading my mind. The man does watch the news she said. To do so you have to have an interest in current events and an understanding of the world's logistic right! 

Most people know what is xmas but even l, born and raised catholic, don't remember the name of the 3 wise men! 

Would be interesting to know what OP consider basic knowledge? 

If the man doesn't know there was a world war l and ll,  l'd be worried but l would not care about small details and certainly not worry about names of European Capitals. 

He is Christian. For me basic knowledge is knowing what the capital of Spain is, who Shakespeare was, what words like "ambivalent" means, when WW2 ended etc. Many times I mention a song, book or movie and he never heard of it. Or I say a word and have to explain what it means (I don't ise very difficult words in general as you can also see in my writing). 

[Lost1981]

Just to add something about myself. I went to university, but I don't consider myself being especially smart or intellectual. I was basic knowledge and I have an interest in art and music, but topics like history or politics isn't something I like hearing about. That doesn't mean I don't know who the prime minister is in my country. My memory isn't always good so I often forget dates (I know when WW2 ended though). 

I have never met someone before who lacked so much knowledge. I had boyfriends and friends before who THOUGHT they knew something and said I was wrong, but it turned out they were wrong. That was also annoying.

[Ami1uwant]

30 minutes ago, Lost1981 said:

Just to add something about myself. I went to university, but I don't consider myself being especially smart or intellectual. I was basic knowledge and I have an interest in art and music, but topics like history or politics isn't something I like hearing about. That doesn't mean I don't know who the prime minister is in my country. My memory isn't always good so I often forget dates (I know when WW2 ended though). 

I have never met someone before who lacked so much knowledge. I had boyfriends and friends before who THOUGHT they knew something and said I was wrong, but it turned out they were wrong. That was also annoying.

 

im USA so there are some cultural differences …..

 

here is the US there are many who don’t know who their states govenor is or even who the president is. Many don’t know the stste capitals or where they are on a map.  I know phDs who can’t find themselves on a map.

 

your interests are art and music and books…he likely doesn’t have those interests and likely in part because he might come from a different culture.

 

 

 

57 minutes ago, Lost1981 said:

He is Christian. For me basic knowledge is knowing what the capital of Spain is, who Shakespeare was, what words like "ambivalent" means, when WW2 ended etc. Many times I mention a song, book or movie and he never heard of it. Or I say a word and have to explain what it means (I don't ise very difficult words in general as you can also see in my writing). 

Knowing capitols of countries is not basic knowledge here in the   states.

 

msny might have heard of world war 2 but they might not know what year it occurred in.  
 

I listed to rock and roll so I’m not going to know classical music beyond a few names. I’m not going to know arts of other genres.

1 hour ago, Lost1981 said:

I believe that as a stepparent you also have some responsibility and influence. You have the right to discipline the child and teach it things. You can't be just a passive family member and most stepparents also want to play an active role in the family and struggle when they are told that they shouldn’t do that. I know I would be number 1, but I don't see anything wrong with the stepdad also helps with the daily household and with the homework sometimes. Otherwise I can just stay being a single mom. 

Not in the US.   The general feeling is the step parent doesn’t get too involved in raising the child. They might have some influence but they aren’t because it leads to fights if there is disagreements of “ this is my child”.  

 

If I was the one dating you I would want to help raise the child so a factor in this would be agreements on raising the child.  There are some ramifications of step children in the USA im not going to try and explain on here that is different than Europe 

[JTSW]

12 hours ago, Lost1981 said:

Well, you could say something like that about many posts in this forum. People are sharing problems before or instead of talking to their partner. Is that not fair enough? 

And what do you suggest I say to him? "I can't be with you, because you just don't know basic stuff"? 

You be honest with him about what is bothering you.

He deserves that much at least.

[giotto]

3 hours ago, Lost1981 said:

I have never met someone before who lacked so much knowledge. 

I have and I'm "friends" with them, but they are superficial friends because you can't talk about deeper stuff. It's very limiting. After a while, you just avoid them. 

[Gaeta]

@Lost1981

Just noticed you're in Europe. Where is your boyfriend from? 

My ex was European so l know general knowledge is highly valued over there compared to us. Exemple my ex knew every capital of the world of every tinybity country in the world and he was shocked that over here you can have a doctorate and still not know where Oslo is.

We looked into it and found interesting studies that here in North America we value more survival skills (changing a tire, putting up shelves, fixing a dishwasher) than we value intellectual prouesses as we are descendants of settlers and knowing Molière as a skill garantied you to freeze to death in the winter.

These differences persist to this say.  My ex was a tradesman and told me a white collar woman like me would not give him the time of the day in France but here it's pretty common to see a professional women with tradesmen and no one lift an eyebrow over it.

Edited August 8, 2023 by Gaeta