In love, but he lacks general knowledge, money and ambition

[Lost1981]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@Lost1981

Just noticed you're in Europe. Where is your boyfriend from? 

My ex was European so l know general knowledge is highly valued over there compared to us. Exemple my ex knew every capital of the world of every tinybity country in the world and he was shocked that over here you can have a doctorate and still not know where Oslo is.

We looked into it and found interesting studies that here in North America we value more survival skills (changing a tire, putting up shelves, fixing a dishwasher) than we value intellectual prouesses as we are descendants of settlers and knowing Molière as a skill garantied you to freeze to death in the winter.

These differences persist to this say.  My ex was a tradesman and told me a white collar woman like me would not give him the time of the day in France but here it's pretty common to see a professional women with tradesmen and no one luft an eyebrow over it.

He is also here from Europe from the same country as I am. You're probably right about the cultural difference although my impression is that education is very important in the US (people always talk about getting into the right college in movies ). In our country education is not that important, and the government try to make young people choose "basic educations" like nurse, plumber etc. instead of going to college. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Lost1981 said:

In our country education is not that important, and the government try to make young people choose "basic educations" like nurse, plumber etc. instead of going to college. 

There are trade schools everywhere. However that's not the issue. The issue is there's things you like about this man you've grown attached to him, but you need to figure out if you're compatible.

You're not hiring a tutor for your child, so that part is irrelevant. You're a single mother and having an understanding BF is great, but if you don't find him stimulating or respect him,  unfortunately you have some difficult decisions ahead.

[flow28]

You have to figure out what is more important to you - the fact that you both get along well and have chemistry or him being educated & having a certain income etc. Yes, for some time you may ignore that aspect but if you're having doubts that should be your clue about what you value in a man. You can see that it turns you off in a long-term perspective so if I were you I wouldn't entertain him any further.

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Lost1981 said:

He is also here from Europe from the same country as I am. You're probably right about the cultural difference although my impression is that education is very important in the US (people always talk about getting into the right college in movies ). In our country education is not that important, and the government try to make young people choose "basic educations" like nurse, plumber etc. instead of going to college. 

and everyone is a millionaire

 

common sense is more important, practical living is important, book smarts or trivia answers is not.

 

during the post WW2 population increase “ baby boomers” and with mid 1960s immigration rules changes has led toa big increase in population.  With this to weed out jobs they started requiring bachelors degrees to get jobs.  
 

many other jobs require an associates 2 yr college degree. There aren’t many jobs you can get without at least a 2 yr degree. Som fields like family business areas require an apprenticeship period.

 

the careers you don’t need a degree are in things like modeling, acting, music, arts, pro sports,  construction and some manufacturing , and joining the military.

 

many of these college (3 or 4 yr) is basically learning the field you go in.  There isn’t much in general education.  Knowing things like european history ( from North America perspective) was in high school if the school even required it.

 

I majored in mathematics.  I have some interest in history so I did take some history classes but I could have done other classes to satisfy elective requirements.

 

when I was in high school in the mid 1980s the graduation requirements were 4 yrs of r English, 3 years of social studies/ history, 2 years of science ( physics/chemistry , and biology) and 1 yr of math.  10 th grade was european history and even then it was at a very high level and thry didn’t cover recent stuff. In thr mid 80s they went to world war 2 and didn’t touch recent events.

 

 

[Lost1981]

I want to thank you all for your replies. I wish I could just have a calm mind instead of all the thoughts that are draining me. I like him so much and am very much attracted to him, and one second I am convinced I have to break up and the next I think that I can't be without him. I will give an update soon. 

[MicheleT]

One thing I don’t understand is why many responses automatically assume the guy must have very good practical knowledge?!  

The OP simply stated this guy lacks a lot of basic common sense knowledge that the vast majority of people have.  There’re indeed plenty of folks with only a low level of education who nevertheless have very good common sense, etc.  But that’s not the case with this particular guy, according to the OP.   

It’s also pointless to nitpick over particular examples, as the OP’s conclusion seems to be the accumulation of many observations.  

[Alpacalia]

Yes. My uncle, a retired professor who taught at Fordham University (in Sociology) and formerly a Jesuit, couldn't tell you the mechanics of an ATM card or how to balance a check book.

The thing is, if you're turned off by someone that cannot recount the capital of your neighboring state or re-tell the plot of a book-it's likely their frame of reference is a bit different. For example, my uncle is incredibly well versed in the Catholic faith and can converse for hours on liberation theology.

So, yes, some people may have what appears to be holes in their knowledge, but are still knowledgeable in other areas. This is especially true when someone has specialized knowledge and is a master in that field.

You're just going to have to decide if you can live with your boyfriend not being able to converse with you on higher-level topics like philosophy, art, or politics or what you consider "general knowledge." What you consider general knowledge may be someone else's area of deep specialization. 

You want someone that will provide a level of stimulation and intellectual growth to your conversations. And, if your boyfriend can't provide that, then you have to decide if you can get it elsewhere or not.

Edited August 9, 2023 by Alpacalia

[JTSW]

14 hours ago, Lost1981 said:

I like him so much

I thought you were in love with him?

[Lost1981]

47 minutes ago, JTSW said:

I thought you were in love with him?

Ok ok, I'm so in love with him then.

[JTSW]

3 minutes ago, Lost1981 said:

Ok ok, I'm so in love with him then.

Sorry, It was just a little confusing

It honestly sounds like you have a wonderful connection together.

Edited August 9, 2023 by JTSW

[Lost1981]

4 hours ago, S2B said:

Or is it that you are afraid to be alone?

I'm not alone anymore. I have my child. Yes, I do want a partner, but I'm not afraid to be single. 

[JTSW]

Can I just ask if your child's father is still in his/her life?

[Lost1981]

UPDATE:

I broke up with him a couple of days ago. Actually we have been doing really great and I could feel a lot of love for him, but the doubt still kept popping up, and when he asked me where this was going, I chose to be honest and told him about my doubt again and why I don't see us as a couple in the long term. He also said some things he worries about (like me having a small child for example), which made my decision even more solid. It was hard. He still believes in us and doesn't want it to end. I don't either, because I'm so in love with him, but we are incompatible and it's not fair that I keep doubting our relationship and it also stresses me a lot. 

I miss him so so much and my heart is breaking. I have a small hope that someday things can be different, but that would mean that he has changed, and I really don't think he can or wants to. He is one of the best men I have been with, so it makes me so sad that it had to end, but he deserves better and I deserve to be with someone I'm a better match with. And I have to be strong now. I know that if he reaches out, I will give in, because the feelings are still there. I can't keep going back to him. 

Edited September 2, 2023 by Lost1981

[Will am I]

The most important thing is: do you feel that you were true to yourself when making this choice?

[Gaeta]

18 minutes ago, Lost1981 said:

but we are incompatible and it's not fair that I keep doubting our relationship and it also stresses me a lot. 

If this is how you felt then you made the right decision. A woman's love is fed by the pride she has in him. The ingredients were not there for you to take this long term. 

[Lost1981]

4 minutes ago, Will am I said:

The most important thing is: do you feel that you were true to yourself when making this choice?

Yes, I did. 

[Will am I]

Then you did what was right for you. It may still hurt, but ultimately this though will comfort you.

[ShyViolet]

4 hours ago, Lost1981 said:

UPDATE:

I broke up with him a couple of days ago. Actually we have been doing really great and I could feel a lot of love for him, but the doubt still kept popping up, and when he asked me where this was going, I chose to be honest and told him about my doubt again and why I don't see us as a couple in the long term. He also said some things he worries about (like me having a small child for example), which made my decision even more solid. It was hard. He still believes in us and doesn't want it to end. I don't either, because I'm so in love with him, but we are incompatible and it's not fair that I keep doubting our relationship and it also stresses me a lot. 

I miss him so so much and my heart is breaking. I have a small hope that someday things can be different, but that would mean that he has changed, and I really don't think he can or wants to. He is one of the best men I have been with, so it makes me so sad that it had to end, but he deserves better and I deserve to be with someone I'm a better match with. And I have to be strong now. I know that if he reaches out, I will give in, because the feelings are still there. I can't keep going back to him. 

You did the right thing.  You two are not compatible for a long term relationship.  Loving someone and having feelings for them is not enough and doesn't mean that you are right for each other.  You can feel those feelings but still know that you aren't compatible for a relationship.

[Lost1981]

Thank you for the support  I'm going through some serious dumpers remorse. Every second I'm thinking about contacting him. A lot of thoughts are going through my mind...maybe I was too fast, maybe he's the best guy I will ever get, maybe I should have focused on the positive things. Oh, it's hard. 

[Lost1981]

11 hours ago, S2B said:

But you need to remind yourself that he didn’t hold qualities that would make the relationship strong for the long run.

even the fact that he hesitated about your child should be enough to make anyone pause and rethink it.

 

try to stay busy - so busy that you don’t think of him so much.

Thank you. There's a lot of things that make me think that we're not a match, if I'm being rational, but my heart doesn't understand and I wasn't ready to leave him. 

The comment about my child wasn't about my son being a problem, but about how I raise him. He didn't agree with my methods (for the record I'm a very soft mom, where he would be more harsh). I keep coming back to this every time I want to contact him and it stops the urge for some time.

Edited September 3, 2023 by Lost1981

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Lost1981 said:

 about how I raise him. He didn't agree with my methods for the record I'm a very soft mom, where he would be more harsh.

Sorry to hear that. However you made the right decision. Even if he's a nice guy, perhaps you weren't really as compatible as you need to be in the long run.

[Lost1981]

I'm struggling SO much right now and really want to contact him. It's hard, because he is a good guy who treated me good...not like the guys before him. There is nothing wrong with him and it's the first time I think that about someone I dated. Well, there are some things I consider as negative about him, but he is ok just as he is; just not the right one for me. It's really sad. 

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, Lost1981 said:

It's hard, because he is a good guy who treated me good

That's why you won't contact him because you have too much respect for him and you won't interfere/delay his grieving because you have a moment of weakness. 

What you're experiencing is normal, after a breakup our brain needs time to build new pathways. Your brain was used to thinking about him, now you have to build new pathways by building new memories elsewhere with family, friends, traveling, reading, etc.

[JTSW]

16 hours ago, Lost1981 said:

I'm struggling SO much right now and really want to contact him. It's hard, because he is a good guy who treated me good...not like the guys before him. There is nothing wrong with him and it's the first time I think that about someone I dated. Well, there are some things I consider as negative about him, but he is ok just as he is; just not the right one for me. It's really sad. 

But you set the bar too high.

[Lost1981]

1 hour ago, JTSW said:

But you set the bar too high.

No. I set the bar where I could see myself in the long term. But I get what you mean.