Should I ask my female coworker out ?

[ticaaa]

Im 33 years old she is 23 , she is very beautiful 5'10 , im 5'8 and pretty fit , we dont talk very much at work but our eyes meet sometimes 

One day i asked her for a ride home because we ended our shift very late ( at 3 AM ) , while we were in her car i wanted to ask her out but she started asking me why dont i drive ( i took it as a bad sign and i dropped the asking out plan ) , i told her that im an active person that loves to walk ( i do daily walks of 10 km and 2 hours of weighlifting ) and everywhere i need to go i just walk , if i need to go somewhere too far i just call an ubber 

After a couple of days my friend knows that im very attracted to her so he told me that i should just man up and ask her out , and i told him that i just got a bad vibe from her with all that "why dont you drive" stuff , he then said , dont worry im going to give you another chance 

When she came into the room he told her "Hey can you take ticaaa for a ride home ? hes too shy to ask you " and she said "Ofc you can ask me any time"  

My "stupid" friend then told me "see ? now you have an opportunity to ask her out" and she started laughing

So i went with her yesterday and while were where in the car we started talking more about our lifestyles , she asked me about fasting and why do i do it because i dont look like i need it , she said that she tried it once and i told her the same thing , that she doesnt need because she already look great

I told her that tomorrow im gonna stay in bed all day and im gonna watch house of the dragon with 2 bags of chips and big pepsi and she said that she would have love to see it but she doesnt have HBO max , and i said "that sucks" and after a couple of second we arrived at my place , i want to give her my account to watch it but my friend says that im an idiot

he said that its a great opporunity to ask her to come over and watch it together  but i dont know

Now i really am attracted to this girl but im not the type to just hook-up with a woman , i want something that might lead to a relationship and this girl has a kinda flirty behaviour , she likes to smoke those electronic ciggaretes ( i hate them ) , other coworkers constantly hug her and sometimes playfight 

What should i do , is my friends correct ? Did she really wanted me to invite her to my place ? i dont have much dating experience

 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, ticaaa said:

My "stupid" friend then told me "see ? now you have an opportunity to ask her out" and she started laughing.

Please stop listening to this friend. Be polite and professional at work. Do not pounce on her as your "stupid" friend suggests unless you want a sexual harassment case.

Go to lunch or coffee break to see what the situation is, but yes unfortunately the "you don't drive?" thing sounds like it's dead in the water as far as dating.

[ticaaa]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please stop listening to this friend. Be polite and professional at work. Do not pounce on her as your "stupid" friend suggests unless you want a sexual harassment case.

Go to lunch or coffee break to see what the situation is, but yes unfortunately the "you don't drive?" thing sounds like it's dead in the water as far as dating.

hes a little older than me ( 39) and he constantly wants to find someone for me , he said that life is too great to be lived by yourself  , im in no rush

and when it comes to sexual harassment its very uncommon here , like in 10 years since ive been working here there was only 1 case when one of the guys got drunk and sent some creppy sexual messages to a woman , people flirt around here with no problem , i dont do it because its not my style 

with the driving thing is exactly what i was thinking , its a done deal 

[glows]

Is this the hospitality/restaurant industry? Seeing your off hours here.

Does she show any interest in your active lifestyle? Ask you about it or seem like she’d appreciate going on walks with you? 

I have to ask otherwise - why date someone who doesn’t share the same fitness lifestyle? 

Granted it could work but sensing your lifestyles are quite different.

[smackie9]

There are things you already really don't like about her, so I would say move on to someone else. I only see friends zoning going on here.

Edited August 7, 2023 by smackie9

[Ami1uwant]

Do you have a license and don’t drive? Do you not have a license?  If you live in a big city with decent public transportation …there are many who don’t own cars.  If you live close and you can get by without driving a car can be a burden in terms of insurance snd parking fees and still making payments.

 

I live in an area I can go without a car. I outright oen my car snd use it like walking a dog.

[ticaaa]

5 hours ago, glows said:

Is this the hospitality/restaurant industry? Seeing your off hours here.

Does she show any interest in your active lifestyle? Ask you about it or seem like she’d appreciate going on walks with you? 

I have to ask otherwise - why date someone who doesn’t share the same fitness lifestyle? 

Granted it could work but sensing your lifestyles are quite different.

we work in the military

while we were in the car she kinda showed interest in my lifestyle , she asked for long have i been doing fasting , how often and what do i eat at home , how am i feeling after doing it for so long , i dont know if she would like to go on walks with me ? 

it does seem like we are different , even in the tv show /movie department (except game of thrones)  , she watches love island , i think its a show for idiots , but i was thinking that if we go on a couple of dates i might find out some good things about her personality

Edited August 8, 2023 by ticaaa

[ticaaa]

2 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

Do you have a license and don’t drive? Do you not have a license?  If you live in a big city with decent public transportation …there are many who don’t own cars.  If you live close and you can get by without driving a car can be a burden in terms of insurance snd parking fees and still making payments.

 

I live in an area I can go without a car. I outright oen my car snd use it like walking a dog.

i have a license , i have enough money to buy a car if i want , i just dont like driving because im an active person , i dont know how good of a driver i would be considering that i didnt need to drive in over 10 years but still

[glows]

The thing about having a car isn’t necessarily about being active. I can’t speak for her but a lot of people like having the ability to leave the city any time, access parts of the countryside and go on spontaneous roadtrips. Your world is a lot more than city life. If someone doesn’t leave the city often there’s a major element missing in terms of lifestyle compared to someone who does. A person without a vehicle won’t know that or value that kind of lifestyle going into the mountains or seeing lake country and it’s perfectly fine but imagine how limiting that is to someone who does.

I see plenty of couples driving around and the woman is the driver and male as the passenger. I dated someone without a car for a period also. I had to figure out on my own the above and realize that someone who doesn’t have a vehicle or use one the same way might not necessarily have much in common with me. 

In this way the above is more about lifestyle than money or being active as there are a number of ways to be active. I hope this makes sense.

I don’t think there’s any harm in asking her out. If she backs off or isn’t feeling it then drop the subject immediately. Don’t keep pursuing her and stay professional. You seem open minded.

Edited August 8, 2023 by glows

[JTSW]

Yeah, she was definitely hinting for you to invite her over but you completely missed the cue.

Personally I don't think you should pursue a colleague romantically. 

It could cause problems down the line if things went sour.

I also recommend to get your own car before you become known as the person who always bums rides of everyone.

[ticaaa]

2 hours ago, JTSW said:

Yeah, she was definitely hinting for you to invite her over but you completely missed the cue.

Personally I don't think you should pursue a colleague romantically. 

It could cause problems down the line if things went sour.

I also recommend to get your own car before you become known as the person who always bums rides of everyone.

if it really was an hint then im really mad at myself for not taking it

[JTSW]

2 minutes ago, ticaaa said:

if it really was an hint then im really mad at myself for not taking it

You were just being guarded that's all.

I think deep down you know it wont be a good idea to get involved and your friend messing with your head dosn't help  either.

[Alpacalia]

35 minutes ago, ticaaa said:

if it really was an hint then im really mad at myself for not taking it

Don't rely on women's hints.

She doesn't need to drop hints about liking you or asking her out.

Unless she actively leaves hints for you to leave her alone, it's up to you to make the move if you are interested in her.

Show your confidence and take the chance; ask her.

No need to play the "I want to make sure they like me before I ask" game. If she says no, you will get over it, and you will learn from the experience and be a better person for it. 

Edited August 8, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

47 minutes ago, ticaaa said:

if it really was an hint then im really mad at myself for not taking it

Try to think for yourself rather than be egged on by this jokester friend. She seems like a friendly coworker, but your biggest "hint" was "why don't you drive?".  It's not cool to chase women at the workplace, so don't go there.

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try to think for yourself rather than be egged on by this jokester friend. She seems like a friendly coworker, but your biggest "hint" was "why don't you drive?".  It's not cool to chase women at the workplace, so don't go there.

I agree…you should not chase a coworker in dating….especially if this is your professional career.

 

work places have policy on dating

 

but I don’t view it as chasing if you happen to talk at work and gradually get to know each other.

 

OP said she is 22 IIRC….there is actually a higher number who don’t drive/ don’t have a license yet in the USA.

[ticaaa]

35 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

I agree…you should not chase a coworker in dating….especially if this is your professional career.

 

work places have policy on dating

 

but I don’t view it as chasing if you happen to talk at work and gradually get to know each other.

 

OP said she is 22 IIRC….there is actually a higher number who don’t drive/ don’t have a license yet in the USA.

yeah , at my workplace there is no problem about dating as long as there is no forced stuff going on , lets say that i ask the girl out and she said no and i keep insisting and send her all kind of messages , she will file a complaint that says that she cant work properly because of me and i will be moved to another departement  and sent to a pshycologist , if i keep insisting then i will be fired 

[JTSW]

8 minutes ago, ticaaa said:

yeah , at my workplace there is no problem about dating as long as there is no forced stuff going on , lets say that i ask the girl out and she said no and i keep insisting and send her all kind of messages , she will file a complaint that says that she cant work properly because of me and i will be moved to another departement  and sent to a pshycologist , if i keep insisting then i will be fired 

Even if you start dating but things go sour, she can still ruin things for you down the line out of spite.

[ticaaa]

37 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Even if you start dating but things go sour, she can still ruin things for you down the line out of spite.

not without proof , i know that in certain countries men get fried very easily with this kind of stuff but here the law is a little more on our side when it comes to false allegations

The only thing that im afraid is that if i ask her out and she would say no then she would start avoiding me and she would most likely say no , i mean im shorter than her , i dont drive , im shy 

there are many men at my workplace that would like to be with her , taller , not better looking at the body but height is more important than muscles i heard , with their own cars , outgoing , charismatic ,  the only thing that i have that they dont have is loyalty , i would never cheat on her , and all the guys here have cheated on their girlfriends , but i dont think loyalty is enough to attract a woman 

Edited August 8, 2023 by ticaaa

[Ami1uwant]

11 minutes ago, ticaaa said:

not without proof , i know that in certain countries men get fried very easily with this kind of stuff but here the law is a little more on our side when it comes to false allegations

The only thing that im afraid is that if i ask her out and she would say no then she would start avoiding me and she would most likely say no , i mean im shorter than her , i dont drive , im shy 

there are many men at my workplace that would like to be with her , taller , not better looking at the body but height is more important than muscles i heard , with their own cars , outgoing , charismatic ,  the only thing that i have that they dont have is loyalty , i would never cheat on her , and all the guys here have cheated on their girlfriends , but i dont think loyalty is enough to attract a woman 

Dating at work is something to be careful with.

 

if I fails thrn they could bad mouth you and just make work unpleasant.  
 

if you go into it with a set of rules and say if it doesn’t work out you are open to sharing and be civil. In a relationship you need to set boundaries.

 

in my job location— I’d never date someone in my immediate group or a different group you regularly worked with. I work for a large employer so I’m fine dating someone I occasionally work with like being on committee or got to know thrm dur to a special project. For example would say be someone from thr legal department ehere I might have some question/ clarification from them maybe 1+2 times a year but I know here because we worked on a projevtbyogether and I’ve regularly tan into her at lunch.

[Gaeta]

I'm sorry to say this but if you want a romantic life at 33 you need a car.

No woman ever wants to be the taxi in the relationship. Do you live on base? It might be cool to walk everywhere on base but you have to think beyond that. You want your 23 yo gf to drive you, her 33 yo boyfriend, to her parents for first family dinner? 

 

[mark clemson]

There are people who have a sort of "policy" to not date co-workers, and there is a solid logic to that. If things don't work out and/or there is a bad breakup, well you are stuck with the person around unless/until one of you finds another job. Some people don't handle breakups well and can "pull stunts" etc, which is pretty much the last thing you want at your workplace. So, there's "additional risk" in a relationship with a co-worker.

Her flirty personality doesn't necessarily mean anything negative in terms of her fidelity if you were to have a relationship. It could, but some people simply like to be social and light flirting is often part of that. At any rate, that's who she is, so it's unlikely to change. These same behaviors, directed towards YOU, are probably part of why you're attracted to her, but if you're going to be jealous or feel insecure due to it, that suggests that (despite how much you like her) you may not be very compatible.

Edited August 8, 2023 by mark clemson

[Alpacalia]

It may be beneficial for you to refrain from asking her out. You seem to be overly concerned with potential outcomes which is causing you to feel uncertain.

Your not happy with her e-cigarette smoking habit and her flirty behaviour with coworkers, so it might be better to just focus on yourself and try to better yourself for future relationships.

If you are only doing this to navigate away from being single and lonely then it is not worth it, try to find someone who truly resonates with you and your values.

Edited August 9, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

On 8/7/2023 at 11:52 AM, ticaaa said:

 im very attracted to her 

That's all this is.

Try to get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women who don't vape, watch "tv for idiots" or other things you don't like.

Your friend sounds remarkably immature, so try to make your own assessments and decisions.

Edited August 9, 2023 by Wiseman2

[glows]

I think you’re really overthinking this. You either feel it or you don’t and if you aren’t confident with it don’t go there. 

 

[ticaaa]

1 hour ago, glows said:

I think you’re really overthinking this. You either feel it or you don’t and if you aren’t confident with it don’t go there. 

 

i have given this a lot of thought and i think i wont do it , i will just mind my own business , even if she indeed gave me the hint to come over to my place im not the type to have a fwb type of situation , i want a relationship and her flirty attitude and vaping just puts me off , call me insecure or whatever but i just cant be with someone like that 

thank you all for advice