I broke/ depression want my ex back who has a rebound

[desirefire]

Okey its been 12 days now. Stil he havent dumped his rebound or meet me yet. He also text me that I can call him whenever I want and that I shouldnt be afraid to talk to him. I think he can smell my nervousness.... We have been speaking just a few times after I contacted him. How I feel up in all this? (if your someone out there thinking about contacting your ex who has a rebound). This is awful. I have the worst angsiety everyday, at the same time im trying to pull my self together and not contact him to much or become clingy. Im gooing to the doctors tomorrow getting medisin and will be home from work for a couple of weeks. Just focusing on sleeping eating and moving on by myself so this angsiety can disapear. . I DO NOT recomend anyone to contact an ex who has a rebound and if so if you feel the urge. Please do not! And if you do and get angsiety or no sleep cause of false hope. Dont do it to yourself.

Edited August 17, 2023 by desirefire

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, desirefire said:

Just focusing on sleeping eating and moving on by myself so this angsiety can disapear.

Good plan, but this will be mostly futile if you don't cut all contact with your ex. 

[JTSW]

2 hours ago, desirefire said:

Okey its been 12 days now. Stil he havent dumped his rebound or meet me yet.

She is most definitely NOT a rebound if it takes this long so please don't refer to her as that anymore. 

If he hasn't done that by now he's not going to.

What he is doing to you both is not fair and what YOU are doing to his gf is not fair.

You need to be the bigger person here and not contact him anymore. 

You are not going to get what you want with him and he obviously really care's about this girl.

Let him get on with his life with her.

Block his number and walk away because hanging on is slowing undoing ALL your recovering.

Edited August 17, 2023 by JTSW

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, desirefire said:

Okey its been 12 days now. Stil he havent dumped his rebound or meet me yet. He also text me that I can call him whenever I want and that I shouldnt be afraid to talk to him

Was he even going to break up with her because it doesn't sound clear with what you wrote below.

On 8/10/2023 at 8:46 PM, desirefire said:

hello again. I sleept on it and took two days to prepare. I have to let go. Then I texted him. Hello , I feel very stupid about everything. I wish you and your gf all good and good luck. He actually called me. Told me he has been thinking about breaking it with his gf for a while, even before I contacted him. But he has to sort it out and deal with it.He needs to break up with her first. He said he is willing to give us a new chance but we have to take it real slow. 

It just sounds like he will date you (slowly) when and if he breaks up with her but in the meantime you're welcome to call him if you want to talk.

[desirefire]

My ex is at my place now. He is single. His gf brought up "break up" because she felt like he wasnt sure about her, and they broke up together for the best because he needs time. We will see how this goes but its very scary and we have to take it slow. 

Edited August 19, 2023 by desirefire

[stillafool]

30 minutes ago, desirefire said:

My ex is at my place now. He is single. His gf brought up "break up" because she felt like he wasnt sure about her, and they broke up together for the best because he needs time. We will see how this goes but its very scary and we have to take it slow. 

Oh good.  Glad it worked out for your guys.  Good luck!

[ExpatInItaly]

Be careful that you don't turn into his rebound from her. 

[JTSW]

23 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Be careful that you don't turn into his rebound from her. 

I was thinking the exact same thing.

[Samantha11]

I am so sorry for what you have gone through. It must have been terrible to deal with so many awful things, and I am so glad that you realize you need to heal.

Honestly, it sounds to me like you are not ready for a relationship at this moment due to everything you have been through, and that is ok to not be ready. Sometimes in life we are just not ready for things. You said you are anxious, depressed, not eating, not sleeping, loosing weight... if you really want this relationship to work in the future, or any relationship, I would honestly suggest putting your healing first. Relationships can be challenging, and if you are already not well, it could really set you back even further with more fears, anxieties, stresses, etc., and you could be easily triggered by unhealed wounds and become reactive, making situations worse. 

The most important thing right now is for you to get better, so that whatever relationship comes your way in the future, either with him or someone else, you can handle it from your best place, not your worst. I hope that makes sense, and best to you with everything. Take care of you the best you can, and then you can take care of your relationships well too.

Edited August 24, 2023 by Samantha11

[desirefire]

On 8/19/2023 at 11:10 PM, stillafool said:

Oh good.  Glad it worked out for your guys.  Good luck!

well it didnt  i wanted som affection he wanted to take it slow so my feelings took over and I became inscure and asked him questins like "are your sure about this", "should you really be talking with your rebound stil if you want to try with me". He still wanted to be there for his rebound. I said I understand but I cant go through this rolercoaster. I accept you talk I just want to know if your gonna jump between us to". He has been off and when I tried to talk with him like hey do you wanna meet etc. He says I just wanna meet you a couple times before deciding if we should take it further. I was like are you sure, I cant see how this will work if we do not invest in this. So yah I was a bit puchy but also tried not to be. We meet up spontaniously I sleep over at his place, no sex and stuff like that. More like hanging out and a little cuddeling in the morning. But as the day goes on he is akward, he also commented on my weigh like your so thin.( I am but not extreme). He says you looked better when you hade curves. Thing is I lost some weight but that can be fixed. He He have been very weird on texts , like really weird. I called him and said hey I dont wanna be treated this way. What is gooing on. He says he doesnt have the romantic feelings for me anymore thats why he wants to meet and se if they are there. I said well if this is gonna work I think both of us have to be more positive, kind, honest and keep in contact. I mean I dont see how its gonna work because I want ro feel liked and appeicheated. He has changes he is more negative and talkes alot about himself. I dont know but it ended there. He said if he have the strong feelings he have for me he promiss to tell me. We talked afterwards I was so sad, he said he cares about me and are there for me. And ofc I become puchy again and ask are your sure those romantic feelings wont come back if we meet more? He says hey I cant be sure. He says if I never broke up we would be together today because he loved me so much. He still love me and cares for me but If we cant take it really slow it wont work. We like texted and it ended with like me saying but your my soulmate. Wich I now think was stupid. He is still kind to me and understanding. But I dont know he have changes. His home was a mess and dirty, he didnt have clean clothes when we meet and smelled kinda bad... He was a new person for me but I do still love him and feel attrachted. Chemestry I dont know he was more negative I was more positive. I think I ruined everything. I wish I was more cold about it and did things different. Gave him space and more time. I really tried but it was hard because of the situation. And I really missed him so I wanted to be around him. More than he wanted with me. Maby we would have a chanse. He said like when I saw you I didnt feel the same, and he have been stringing me for days. Today I feel like s***. Total s***. I dont know how to cope with this to be honest. I have so many regrets, I tried my best. Also his rebound is after him to , and me so I guess he is exuasted. And he doesnt know what he wants. The whole situation have been exausting for all of us. 

Edited August 24, 2023 by desirefire

[desirefire]

31 minutes ago, desirefire said:

well it didnt  i wanted som affection he wanted to take it slow so my feelings took over and I became inscure and asked him questins like "are your sure about this", "should you really be talking with your rebound stil if you want to try with me". He still wanted to be there for his rebound. I said I understand but I cant go through this rolercoaster. I accept you talk I just want to know if your gonna jump between us to". He has been off and when I tried to talk with him like hey do you wanna meet etc. He says I just wanna meet you a couple times before deciding if we should take it further. I was like are you sure, I cant see how this will work if we do not invest in this. So yah I was a bit puchy but also tried not to be. We meet up spontaniously I sleep over at his place, no sex and stuff like that. More like hanging out and a little cuddeling in the morning. But as the day goes on he is akward, he also commented on my weigh like your so thin.( I am but not extreme). He says you looked better when you hade curves. Thing is I lost some weight but that can be fixed. He He have been very weird on texts , like really weird. I called him and said hey I dont wanna be treated this way. What is gooing on. He says he doesnt have the romantic feelings for me anymore thats why he wants to meet and se if they are there. I said well if this is gonna work I think both of us have to be more positive, kind, honest and keep in contact. I mean I dont see how its gonna work because I want ro feel liked and appeicheated. He has changes he is more negative and talkes alot about himself. I dont know but it ended there. He said if he have the strong feelings he have for me he promiss to tell me. We talked afterwards I was so sad, he said he cares about me and are there for me. And ofc I become puchy again and ask are your sure those romantic feelings wont come back if we meet more? He says hey I cant be sure. He says if I never broke up we would be together today because he loved me so much. He still love me and cares for me but If we cant take it really slow it wont work. We like texted and it ended with like me saying but your my soulmate. Wich I now think was stupid. He is still kind to me and understanding. But I dont know he have changes. His home was a mess and dirty, he didnt have clean clothes when we meet and smelled kinda bad... He was a new person for me but I do still love him and feel attrachted. Chemestry I dont know he was more negative I was more positive. I think I ruined everything. I wish I was more cold about it and did things different. Gave him space and more time. I really tried but it was hard because of the situation. And I really missed him so I wanted to be around him. More than he wanted with me. Maby we would have a chanse. He said like when I saw you I didnt feel the same, and he have been stringing me for days. Today I feel like s***. Total s***. I dont know how to cope with this to be honest. I have so many regrets, I tried my best. Also his rebound is after him to , and me so I guess he is exuasted. And he doesnt know what he wants. The whole situation have been exausting for all of us. 

I also warned him I lost some weight because of this situation. 

Without this man life seem wothless. We had a bond stronger than anything. He is the obly one who have ever loved me for me. EVER. And iv been dating like so many guys and bedn in 3 serious relationships before , iv been dumped and a dumper. But this this was a whole other level. How do anyone cope with this? 

[ExpatInItaly]

Look, OP, your relationship with this guy is over. 

It's not going to come back together. It's time for both of you to heal and move on. Stop all contact with him. You will find happiness again someday, but it won't be with him. This chapter is closing. 

[JTSW]

3 hours ago, desirefire said:

asked him questins like "are your sure about this", "should you really be talking with your rebound stil if you want to try with me". He still wanted to be there for his rebound. 

I think you're rather rude continuing to call her his 'rebound' when she clearly isn't. 

It's obviously not over between them either and that he really cares about her because he's not letting her go.

He says go slow, but if you went any slower there would be nothing. 

He told you his romantic feelings for you are gone so why are you wasting your time with him?

You are really setting yourself right back and undoing everything you have done to recover.

You need to accept that he will never be with you the way you want.

 

[JTSW]

2 hours ago, desirefire said:

Without this man life seem wothless. We had a bond stronger than anything. He is the obly one who have ever loved me for me. EVER. And iv been dating like so many guys and bedn in 3 serious relationships before , iv been dumped and a dumper. But this this was a whole other level. How do anyone cope with this? 

Well life for him obviously isn't worthless without you.

He moved on with life and been doing great with his gf.

He is definitely not in the same place as you.

[desirefire]

2 hours ago, JTSW said:

I think you're rather rude continuing to call her his 'rebound' when she clearly isn't. 

It's obviously not over between them either and that he really cares about her because he's not letting her go.

He says go slow, but if you went any slower there would be nothing. 

He told you his romantic feelings for you are gone so why are you wasting your time with him?

You are really setting yourself right back and undoing everything you have done to recover.

You need to accept that he will never be with you the way you want.

 

Well I didnt say rebound he said rebound. Not me. And we have been talking s little about her and he said he likes her but at the same time not. And when they broke up all he thought was aboute ME. I mean I have to trust what a person say I cant just sit there and listlen and not trust or talkz. Im not the one here and obly the one he have been leeding it on himself to- sitting and telling me on phone how much he loves me and wants me, our future etc. I think he change his mind after he saw me, because it was extreamly emotionall and scary. Ofc i can take it in his speed but he doesnt have to be rude , is he like that to a friend also? 

[stillafool]

Yeah, I agree that it's over.  He obviously has decided he can't let his new gf go and now he's comparing the two of you.  Does she have a curvy body?  That comment about your weight was a comparison to hers.  That's not very nice.  If he told you he no longer has romantic feelings for you it's over.  You need to go NC with him right away, do not try to get him back.  It's going to be hard but you have to make it up in your mind that you're moving on.  You will be okay and love again.  I'm starting to wonder if he really did ever love you because it didn't take long for him to completely lose feeling for you.  That alone would make me no longer have feelings for him, but I'm not you.  If it gets too hard to get over you might consider individual counseling to help.

[desirefire]

2 hours ago, JTSW said:

I think you're rather rude continuing to call her his 'rebound' when she clearly isn't. 

It's obviously not over between them either and that he really cares about her because he's not letting her go.

He says go slow, but if you went any slower there would be nothing. 

He told you his romantic feelings for you are gone so why are you wasting your time with him?

You are really setting yourself right back and undoing everything you have done to recover.

You need to accept that he will never be with you the way you want.

 

i think your kinda rude to to be honest that only put al blame on me and not on him. Remeber it takes two to tango, all I said was i still love him and sorry and after that he have ben LEADING ME ON! I was extreamly gentle in the begining and he said stuff that gave me hope. And it just continued for two weeks. Then they break up he meet me and suddenly compares me to her? NOT my problem. He is a person to he can speak right? Or is he so ambivalent he just lost his wasy of desiding and thinking? He change his movives after he saw me. He is 30 years old I guess he can speak for himself. He is an adult

Edited August 24, 2023 by desirefire

[desirefire]

19 minutes ago, desirefire said:

i think your kinda rude to to be honest that only put al blame on me and not on him. Remeber it takes two to tango, all I said was i still love him and sorry and after that he have ben LEADING ME ON! I was extreamly gentle in the begining and he said stuff that gave me hope. And it just continued for two weeks. Then they break up he meet me and suddenly compares me to her? NOT my problem. He is a person to he can speak right? Or is he so ambivalent he just lost his wasy of desiding and thinking? He change his movives after he saw me. He is 30 years old I guess he can speak for himself. He is an adult

Did he suddenly loose the compabillity to be honest to people he cares about? 

[ExpatInItaly]

I think he's not that into either you or his new "rebound", and he will eventually wind up with someone else altogether. 

It doesn't matter if he's being honest with you anymore, OP. The point is that you need to let go and move on. You're wasting your time and emotional energy on something that is already done. 

 

[Samantha11]

I think everyone is basically giving you good advice. I know it is not what you want to hear, and it is very difficult to deal with right now, but you are trying to reclaim a HEALTHY relationship when you yourself are not in a HEALTHY heady space.

Do you think that is a recipe for success? Honestly, if you had a daughter in your shoes, would you think she could enter back into a healthy relationship if she was in the emotional place you are now? Would you advise her to try, or get some space and heal first? 

If you were a gymnast, and you broke your leg, would you try to force yourself to go out there every day and spend hours doing gymnastics, or would you rest? If you had a terrible sickness, would you force yourself to climb a mountain or would you rest until you got better? What would you think of a sick, weak person trying to climb Mount Everest? Or a gymnast with a broken leg going out there for 8 hours every day and trying to do gymnastics in incredible pain?

One or both of those people could easily end up much, much sicker, or permanently wounded for life, right? The gymnast would probably end up unable to walk ever again, or unable to do gymnastics ever. So why would they do that?

You are trying to go back to a happy place in your life when you yourself are right now not in a place to be able to go there. That is ok. It is not bad to need healing. We all need to heal from something at different points in our life. What is bad is to ignore that you need healing and try to drag your sick, weak, tired, emotionally drained body up a mountain like when you were healthy and strong. Wouldn't you agree? So why are you doing it? Because you want it regardless? I think you know that is just you not facing facts right now, and I know that is because it is hard and I understand and feel for you, but you need to care about you. You need to put your healing first.  

I get it is not easy, and I feel for you with everything you are coping with, but you are just making yourself worse here. You are going to end up like the gymnast with the broken leg who cannot walk ever again if you keep this up. You have to put yourself first at some point, and respect yourself enough to heal. He is not going to want you back in this state, trust me. The person you are now is not the one he was in love with. She is still there - you are still there - but your pain is masking her, just like how sickness masks a healthy body. You need to bring her out again, and then you can find your happiness and a healthy relationship with someone right for you. 

Why are you insisting on continuing to hurt yourself? Please stop, and care for you. (Hug) 🤗

Edited August 24, 2023 by Samantha11

[desirefire]

8 minutes ago, Samantha11 said:

I think everyone is basically giving you good advice. I know it is not what you want to hear, and it is very difficult to deal with right now, but you are trying to reclaim a HEALTHY relationship when you yourself are not in a HEALTHY heady space.

Do you think that is a recipe for success? Honestly, if you had a daughter in your shoes, would you think she could enter back into a healthy relationship if she was in the emotional place you are now? Would you advise her to try, or get some space and heal first? 

If you were a gymnast, and you broke your leg, would you try to force yourself to go out there every day and spend hours doing gymnastics, or would you rest? If you had a terrible sickness, would you force yourself to climb a mountain or would you rest until you got better? What would you think of a sick, weak person trying to climb Mount Everest? Or a gymnast with a broken leg going out there for 8 hours every day and trying to do gymnastics in incredible pain?

One or both of those people could easily end up much, much sicker, or permanently wounded for life, right? The gymnast would probably end up unable to walk every again, or unable to do gymnastics ever. So why would they do that?

You are trying to go back to a happy place in your life when you yourself are right now not in a place to be able to go there. That is ok. It is not bad to need healing. What is bad is to ignore that you need healing and try to drag your sick, weak, tired, emotionally drained body up a mountain like when you were healthy and strong. Wouldn't you agree? So why are you doing it? Because you want it regardless? I think you know that is just you not facing facts right now. 

I get it is not easy, but you are just making yourself worse here. You are going to end up like the gymnast with the broken leg who cannot walk ever again if you keep this up. You have to put yourself first at some point, and respect yourself enough to heal. He is not going to want you back in this state, trust me. The person you are now is not the one he was in love with. You need to find her again, and then you can find your happiness and a healthy relationship with someone right for you. 

Why are you insisting on continuing to hurt yourself? 

so he can be who he is and i love him still even if he changed but I have to be someone im not? Im not gonna gain weight so he likes me , im not gonna do things I dont like just for him to like me. My life was me and him and a family. That is what I long for. Sure I still workout, I like to travel, food and gaining weight will come, I dont have many friends, I have a job, What did he expect? I should be a totaly new person in 3 months?....

Edited August 24, 2023 by desirefire

[Samantha11]

7 minutes ago, desirefire said:

so he can be who he is and i love him still even if he changed but I have to be someone im not? 

You feel being healthy emotionally is not you? Being healthy is absolutely you, and it is your best you. Don't you want to be your healthiest self? Put him aside for a moment, and ask for yourself - don't you want that for yourself? 

Edited August 24, 2023 by Samantha11

[desirefire]

9 minutes ago, Samantha11 said:

You feel being healthy is not you? Being healthy is absolutely you, and it is your best you. Don't you want to be your healthiest self? Put him aside for a moment, and ask for yourself - don't you want that for yourself? 

Ofc I want to be healthy, but its hard without my partner whom I had a strong attachment to. I was kinda healthy and had peace before I contacted him. But I missed him alot. And was sure I want to be with him. And this two- three weeks have been a roalcoaster. also feel I lost my heart. I cant be anyone else but me, he knows me in and out. But he dont like me? Is that really love. For me no. Romantic feelings can come back but you have to have fun and have security. My future was supposed to be with him. I feel alone right now , its not bad but I feel like I dont know what to do with life. I was positive around him when we met but he made me feel like a was a list to check. He made me feel like s*** to be honest. And he have given me hope. If he was mote clear from start I think I would handle it differently. Its the constant hope that gives me angsiety. 

Edited August 24, 2023 by desirefire

[Lubecke]

Unfortunately, anytime you dump someone you open the door for them to accept it too and move on from you. although I don’t think your ex’s rebound will last, you still have to respect the time to allow him that freedom since you did kinda set him free by breaking up w him. 
 

In the meantime, work on yourself continue your healing journey, and in the end tell him how you feel about him then just let time allow you both to figure out whether you two aren’t meant to come back around again and give it another shot. Hope it works out! 

 

[Samantha11]

49 minutes ago, desirefire said:

Ofc I want to be healthy, but its hard without my partner whom I had a strong attachment to. I was kinda healthy and had peace before I contacted him. But I missed him alot. And was sure I want to be with him. And this two- three weeks have been a roalcoaster. also feel I lost my heart. I cant be anyone else but me, he knows me in and out. But he dont like me? Is that really love. For me no. Romantic feelings can come back but you have to have fun and have security. My future was supposed to be with him. I feel alone right now , its not bad but I feel like I dont know what to do with life. I was positive around him when we met but he made me feel like a was a list to check. He made me feel like s*** to be honest. And he have given me hope. If he was mote clear from start I think I would handle it differently. Its the constant hope that gives me angsiety. 

I understand that you feel what you wrote completely, and I understand why you feel that way, but when you say that it is hard to be healthy without your partner, it tells me that you don't know what true emotional health is. True emotional health has nothing to do with anyone else being in your life. I know it is hard to hear, but if you feel you need him to be healthy, you are far from understanding what being healed means, and really need to take the time to work on learning what true healing is and healing you completely. 

You said you don't know what to do with life right now because you feel alone, but what you need to do is heal you. Read some books on healing from relationships. Listen to podcasts. Talk to a therapist if you can. Hang out with friends. Journal. Find your old interests and engage in them. Find a way to let go of the hope by forgetting and doing other things. I know this is not easy, but it is the journey. You can do it. You need to do it. Hang in there.