We both love him, best friends. updated]

[lilac_1337fjf]

So I'm in my second year of college and 19 years old, I could really use some advice.  This whole thing is going to sound pretty messed up, so I understand if some comments I get may be harsh.

I've had boyfriends when I was younger so since I'm now in college, I went in deciding I didn't want to get into any relationships because I've been prioritizing my difficult major and finding a place for myself with this being my first semester at a new school. 

But now, I'm torn between two guys that have both become pretty messy situations.  The first is 20 and the second is 18.  I realize that I was very reckless in handling them but at this point, I have strong feelings for them both and I don't know where to go from here.

The first one is a fraternity boy I met at the beginning of the semester when we were both going through frat/sorority recruitment.  I was very attracted to him and we started hanging out/hooking up outside of the party scene but also at the parties we both went to.  This went on for a bit and he was always sweet, but we started branching out and doing our thing by October.

During that time, I met the second guy who I spent almost every day with and I liked him ALOT.  He actually became one of my closest friends until he confessed that he liked me so we started unofficially dating because I told him I wasn't ready to make anything serious.  This is because he was planning to withdraw from school since college isn't his thing and he wants to pursue trade school.  When he left, we had a talk about what we were and I suggested we stay in touch.  I honestly didn't see the point of trying a relationship since we hadn't been 'dating' that long and he was moving back to his hometown. Since then though, he lives only an hour away so he makes a trip up here to spend almost every weekend with me.

Fast forward to now, I've currently just went through winter recruitment  (I couldn't join in the fall for other reasons), and was accepted into my sorority.  Guy 1 is in our brother fraternity, we reconnected in an entirely different way now, according to him.  Greek life at our school can get pretty heavy, especially the initiation stages which we went through together.  I don't know how long it's been going on, but our interactions basically consist of us arguing over trivial things where he would get pissed if I was talking to someone else.  I never said anything to him if I saw a girl flirting with him since he's a free man but if I'm being honest, it does bother me a little bit.  This has been an ongoing thing because our houses throw parties almost every other day, it's just a constant back and forth where we argue but then he would kiss me.  At first I would push him away but lately I've been finding it hard to resist him.  I want to say I don't like him, but I'm attracted to him if that makes sense.  

We've slept together more times than I care to count, the most recent being this past weekend.  He apologized for always getting possessive and that he feels like we belong together because "we understand each other in a way no one else does".  Then he told me he loved me during sex.  Idk but hearing that made me feel so guilty afterwards because of guy #1, so I told him we should stop seeing each other.  That's when he started saying that he took it back, and promised that he doesn't love me and that I should write it off as a heat of the moment mistake.  This pretty much escalated into another argument and he kept apologizing and trying to kiss me, but I literally just made him leave I couldn't take it anymore.  

As messed up as this all is, I think I have real feelings for both of them.  Guy #1 told me over the phone last night that he couldn't keep doing this, visiting me if there was no future and if I was still seeing other guys.  He said he liked me a lot and that I'm his best friend, but that I was going to have to choose.  Either be with him or we'd have to end it.  I truly like him a lot, he's the exact opposite of guy #2 and we balance each other out.  The problem is, he is bisexual so I have this small fear that if I were to be in a relationship with him, he might end up falling for a guy and breaking up with me.  I know that's irrational because it would hurt just the same if it was a girl, but I know it would crush me if he did that.  I've thought about the future with him and honestly, the thought of it makes me happy because being around him has always made me happy.  With guy 2, it always feels so toxic because we were never friends to begin with, but he's right.  I find it extremely hard to resist him.

Guy 2 has called me 10 times since that night, but I've been avoiding it entirely because I have no idea what to do.  Any opinions or advice would be great

Edited August 8, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Wiseman2]

Stay free and single and enjoy campus life. There's no reason to get stuck in either of these two situations.

[ShyViolet]

This is a pretty easy choice.  The guy who you've been getting into escalating arguments with, who has started becoming super jealous and possessive of you and doesn't want you talking to other guys, who told you he loved you as a way to try and manipulate and control you into being in a relationship with him, and then did a 180 and told you he didn't love you when you didn't say what he wanted to hear......... that guy should be kicked to the curb immediately.  Don't ever tolerate a man being jealous and controlling over you like that.  It will only get worse.  That guy sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do and he's not good relationship material.

It sounds like you are not ready to settle down, you are in the phase of life where you are playing the field and seeing what's out there, which at 19 years old you absolutely should be doing.  So just be honest with guys and tell them you aren't ready to settle down into a committed relationship.  Don't enter into a commitment that you can't keep.  Be up front and honest with people.

[smackie9]

You are in college you keep doing what you are doing. Personally I wouldn't "choose" any of them. If they don't like it then tough, you will meets others to fill in their slot. I agree don't tolerate jealous men. They were told you didn't want a committed relationship so they see you at their own peril. Girl don't let any guy manipulate you/ make you feel guilty/ give you ultimatums. IMO at this time, keep your feelings in check, don't get attached, keep having fun.

[Alpacalia]

Let them both know that you prefer not to be exclusive.

It's hard when you have feelings for both and you feel torn, but you can't keep going back and forth.

[glows]

Frat guy sounds intolerable and a total mess. The trades guy seems kinder and more down to earth but on a different wavelength. 

Listen, if you wanted either of them it would have worked by now but you’re pulled in two different directions because neither completely fulfills you.

Let trades guy go as he deserves someone who cares about him, bisexual or not. That’s a huge deal to come out so early during these early years and much respect to him. The kinds of insecurities you feel about his sexuality are on YOU.  You don’t accept him so move along. The frat guy just needs help and therapy - time with him will always be chaotic and leave you questioning yourself. 

Do well in school and move on. You’ll look back at these two as completely incompatible.

[poppyfields]

My take on this is you are way more into no. 2 but perhaps believe you "should" be more into no. 1.  Hence your conflict. 

From what you've described, there's an intense physical and sexual attraction and passion with no..2 ranging from heated arguments, jealousy, possessiveness to kissing and intense sex immediately afterwards. 

Wow, that's quite a recipe for an intense, passionate mutually obsessive relationship and tbh especially at only 19 years of age, I can understand why you're so drawn to him and it.

Guy no. 1 is more stable, your relationship is calm, safe, you feel comfortable and have loads in common. 

But he's bisexual so he's into both men and women, with a higher preference towards men from my understanding of men's bisexuality.

Which is probably why there's no heat, no fire or passion in your relationship like with guy no. 2.

For me in your shoes, at 19, I would definitely go with the fire and passion you have with no. 2.

Experience it, enjoy it, learn from it. 

No. 1 likes guys anyway, which pretty much makes this a no brainer imo. 

Edited December 4, 2022 by poppyfields

[lilac_1337fjf]

48 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

My take on this is you are way more into no. 2 but perhaps believe you "should" be more into no. 1.  Hence your conflict. 

From what you've described, there's an intense physical and sexual attraction and passion with no..2 ranging from heated arguments, jealousy, possessiveness to kissing and intense sex immediately afterwards. 

Wow, that's quite a recipe for an intense, passionate mutually obsessive relationship and tbh especially at only 19 years of age, I can understand why you're so drawn to him and it.

Guy no. 1 is more stable, your relationship is calm, safe, you feel comfortable and have loads in common. 

But he's bisexual so he's into both men and women, with a higher preference towards men from my understanding of men's bisexuality.

Which is probably why there's no heat, no fire or passion in your relationship like with guy no. 2.

For me in your shoes, at 19, I would definitely go with the fire and passion you have with no. 2.

Experience it, enjoy it, learn from it. 

No. 1 likes guys anyway, which pretty much makes this a no brainer imo. 

Thank you for your response  .  It's hard honestly - I never thought it was me being into one more than the other because they happened at different times.  When I met guy no. 1, I stopped hooking up with guy no 2. because of how much I liked the first guy.  We were also sleeping together and he's a very sexual person.  I didn't want anyone else while we were together, so that's why I feel like if he were still at school I'd absolutely be with him.  Because then I would have set boundaries and never would have let myself get close to guy 2.  

I'm trying to consider what you're saying about the fire and passion stuff but I feel like a relationship that's just built on that is just a disaster, no?  With guy 2, we've had some good moments but it's clouded by parties and booze.  It doesn't help that his frat is a bunch of sleazy guys, the type I would never be around if they weren't linked with my sorority.   I feel exhausted every time we're around each other if I'm being honest.  Like there was this one time when he got so drunk and passed out in my lap I actually was about to call the police because I was so scared he got alcohol poisoning or something.  We do have an emotional connection though- that I agree with him- there were a lot of nights when we would just sit outside our house and just talk for hours because parties sometimes get too heavy.  

With guy 1, I think I would've dated him regardless of his sexuality.  I actually didn't know they prefer men.  I even told my mom about him, that he's the first guy I actually feel like I WANT to be with.  I literally would take him everywhere with me for two months straight and I miss that alot.  It's just hard-long distance sucks and I don't know how to keep it going if he's not here to experience things in college with me.  I don't even think I want to be with guy 2, I've never thought of him as a boyfriend and I find myself fantasizing about all the dates I used to go on with guy no 1.

This is like my first real romantic experience with boys, so I'm kind of lost on how to handle it.  I dated in high school but tbh it was just puppy love.  Aside from this though, everything else with school is going great...just wish I knew what to do because I really don't want to let guy no. 1 go.  

[poppyfields]

Re guy no. 2, okay fair enough.  I wasn't suggesting a long term serious relationship, you are only 19 and in college. 

You have many years and many experiences to live before you settle down into serious imo.  

At your age, live life to the fullest.  Experience it all, the good, bad, ugly.  

Learn, grow, evolve. 

Later when you're older, you can choose the best guy to settle down with.  The safe one.  The practical one. 

I'm projecting because that's what I did and don't regret one second of it. 

In fact, as emotionally exhausting as they were (one relationship in particular similar to no. 2) I cherish all of it.

And learned a heck of a lot in the process.

In my 30s now and recently got married.  Had I not experienced all that I did, I'd be a completely different person today.. 

That's all I meant. 

But you do you and trust that you will make the best choice for you. 

No one can do that for you, this is something you need to determine for yourself. 

Good luck whatever you decide. 

Edited December 4, 2022 by poppyfields

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I am confused about which guy is which but I would let jealous argumentative guy go.  That kind of drama gets old after a while and will mess you up.

Which one has the capacity to love another person vs using them. That is the one to keep.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think either guy is right for you. 

When you are really into someone, your head won't be turned by another and you wouldn't be feeling this conflicted. I say that you should stay single and eventually you will meet the guy who is a good match (neither of these two is) and you feel much more strongly about. 

[Alpacalia]

Why do you have to choose either one? Are you afraid to be alone?

Your focused on how well these men feel about you. Since you are young you need to address this issue before attempting further relationships. The way people make you feel is the basis for infatuation, not love. Take some time away. Fill yourself up with self-love. Bring all the feelings that you receive from these two men into your life on your own.

Right now, you'd like a scenario where they're both merged into one person, or even if you can date them both since they balance each other out differently. Alas, for most of us, that won’t be the way that things turn out.

[glows]

Trades guy gave you an ultimatum and it’s practically over, OP. Don’t kid yourself as you’re not willing to let go of the frat guy. 

Date others and avoid the drama with people who cause you to feel drained and exhausted. The frat crowd sounds very immature.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, lilac_1337fjf said:

  With guy 2, we've had some good moments but it's clouded by parties and booze.  With guy 1, I think I would've dated him regardless of his sexuality.  

Unfortunately they both sound like trouble.

The best thing you can do is go to the campus infirmary and get tested for STDs and make sure you are on reliable contraception. 

Dating is a let's see if we fit situation, not a politically correct situation. You're under no obligation to accept men who get passed out drunk or wish to explore their sexuality.

Perhaps there are better men to date on campus without all these problems. 

 

[JTSW]

Let them both go.

Clear your mind and just be single for a while.

Don't be player.

It never ends well.

[smackie9]

I agree that long distance guy will be an issue, and you will get bored. The party guy just keep partying along with him. Don't tie yourself down, have fun!! Girl there will be plenty more guys that catch your attention.

[lilac_1337fjf]

I don't think it's that I don't want to be alone, I've been single for long periods of time definitely and it's never been an issue.  I guess to answer some of the questions above about why I feel the need to choose, idk it's like I look around me and I hear my friends' stories about how they meet guys but it never goes anywhere because there's no depth or something like that.  I've met a lot of guys here and at my old college, but you don't start feeling stuff for every guy you meet.  With these two, they both make me FEEL something, if that makes sense?  So it's like, when you do find it you don't want to let it go so easily.  That's the only way I can think of how to describe it.

The long distance one is coming up this weekend so we can talk in person.  I've thought a lot about it and reread all of what you guys have been saying, which I really appreciate by the way.  I honestly think I'm going to give it a shot because when it comes down to it, I like him so SO much and I don't want to regret just letting him pass by.  I have to see the frat guy tonight because we've got another event.  I'm planning just to avoid him entirely, just because I'm so damn awkward with confrontation.  

[Alpacalia]

That's fine. Being torn between two people is one thing. Having a backup man is another in the event the first one falls through. Eh. I guess it makes sense. The question I guess is, will you be content continuing to date the second man if the first falls through?

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, lilac_1337fjf said:

The long distance one is coming up this weekend so we can talk in person.  

This would be a great time to tell him you would like to set each other free. That way there is less confusing complications, especially with two very poorly suited men.

[lilac_1337fjf]

On 12/6/2022 at 4:34 AM, Wiseman2 said:

This would be a great time to tell him you would like to set each other free. That way there is less confusing complications, especially with two very poorly suited men.

No, I decided I want to be with him. He's coming up tonight to watch me perform in my dance show.  Ahh, I don't know why I feel so nervous to talk to him.  I can't wait to tell him how I feel.  I've also already dumped the frat guy.  

[lilac_1337fjf]

I know most replies here have told me to be with neither😬 but I really don't want to let him slip through my fingers.  I don't want to lose him.  Thank you everyone for your advice!!  

[joeyyxo]

Me, my best friend, and this guy have known each other/been best friends since childhood. We grew up in the same neighborhood and were together pretty much our whole life.  It changed in high school briefly when he and I kissed, but nothing came of it.  He was stoned all the time and I had a crush on another guy.  Even though the three of us literally never spoke about our feelings, there was a point when he would flip flop between the two of us, kiss us at different times throughout high school. None of us ever addressed it.  Last year, he told me he liked me since we were kids and we started dating. Honestly I love him with all my heart. I think I always have because he really is my best friend, we have so many memories together and he grew up with me.  We helped each other through family problems, he’s the first person to ever see me cry. 
 

But our other best friend also loves him which I know.  We both lost our virginity to him at different times.  It’s so messed up, the situation.  He tells me he loves me and that he doesn’t have feelings for her, but I feel very insecure. I see the way he looks at her and I broke up with him once the first time he hooked up with her while we were on a break. I told her she can have him and it seemed like they were trying it out, but the relationship fizzled. She came to me crying because she said that he was miserable and was still hung up on me, neglecting her, etc. He and I are back together now but I know she still loves him.  I already know what an idiot we both are because he’s a cheater and we’re basically enabling him because we keep taking him back at different times. 
 

I know that she seems like a terrible friend, but really the only thing that’s ever come between us is him. Other than that, this girl is like my other half and she’s done so much for me. We’ve even talked about it and agreed that it would be best for us just to dump him and move on with our lives but we just…can’t.

I think about all the experiences I had with him and her, when we were kids up until now and it’s so hard to let him go.  We’ve been in and out of love since we were 14 and as kids, we would randomly talk about getting married one day. But even though he’s my boyfriend right now, I have these aching feeling that it’s gonna end badly.  Neither her or me know what to do and could really use some tough love right now. 

 

[glows]

Why not keep him as a friend at arms length and not date him? 

[NuevoYorko]

Have you considered polyamory?

[Alpacalia]

Messy. While both of you still feel for the guy, if you decide to stay together, you have to make sure it doesn't hurt your female friend. Do you trust him? The guy sounds like a wildcard - you never know which way he'll jump. I guess you're still young and have many relationships and experiences ahead of you. I'm sure this love triangle of yours feels exciting and intense, and maybe there's a part of you that likes this rollercoaster, but being honest here - he's a player.

The ideal scenario here would be to grow up and move on.