How to fix relationship with mother-in-law

[thefilmguy24]

Hello. I’m in need of some advice. I’m a 41(M) and my SO is 44(F) and have been together almost 13 years. To understand where I’m coming from, my SO is full Filipina and I’m half Filipino myself so I do know some of the Filipino culture. 
 

Last weekend, we had some friends and family over and got down with some food and drinks. The following day we we needed to head up to see my mom and my brother and his family about 2 hours away from us. For us to be able to make the drive, I didn’t want to drink too much and reminded my SO that she needs to take it easy on the drinking. She does not have a problem with drinking it’s just she gets drunk really easy and fast. 
 

She told me that she would sober up around midnight which was fine with me. So I decided to drink a little myself with them. Midnight strolled around and she was still drinking and was obviously drunk. So I reminded her that we needed to get up early the next morning and pack so we can head up to my family’s house. So I gave her another hour. That hour came and she was still trying take shots.
 

I was a little buzzed myself and sometimes I do get a little emotional and my voice can be a little loud too. So I got upset and told her she needs to sober up and I told her family not to give her anymore. The bad part was that I said this in front of her mom and some guests. I know that was a bad decision on my part and I immediately realized my mistake. I ended up apologizing and apologized to her mom and the guests. I ended up going upstairs to cool down a little bit. Her mom knocks on our door and I could tell she was really upset, not yelling but in disappointed tone that I was disrespectful in how I presented myself. I knew what I did was wrong and I repeatedly apologized to her mom. 
 

Her family has told me that her mom is upset because I raised my voice to my SO in front of people and especially her mom. Her mom is old school Filipino and takes respect highly especially with the elders. Which I agree. They just told me that I just need to be aware of their mom and be polite and respectful which I am. Her family stated what I should have done was taken my SO to the side and privately tell her she needs to sober up for the next morning. Which I agree I should have done but wasn’t thinking at the time.
 

Now fast forward to today and I believe her mom is still upset and kind of avoids me. My SO also texted me today to ask why her mom is upset and what I said to her as she didn’t know since she was kind of out of it that night.  I explained to her what happened and how bad I felt after the fact and should not have done that and should have taken her to the side privately like how her family suggested.

 

I have not heard from my SO all day and I’m a little nervous on what she will say to me when she gets home. I need some advice on how to repair the relationship with her mom as I adore her mom immensely. I never want to disrespect her in any way but I did that night and I deeply regret it. I also need advice on how to have a calm conversation with my SO about what happened. I know she’s going to be upset and just want to have a calm discussion. Please help. TIA

Edited August 8, 2023 by thefilmguy24
Need to thank others for their answers

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, thefilmguy24 said:

.She does not have a problem with drinking. Midnight strolled around and she was still drinking and was obviously drunk. . I knew what I did was wrong and I repeatedly apologized to her mom. 

Sorry this happened. You apologized to your GFs mother so there's not much more you can do. Hopefully your GF and her mother settle down.

You say she doesn't have a drinking problem, but her drinking is causing problems. Including difficulty controlling drinking.

Please see if this helps :

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

Edited August 8, 2023 by Wiseman2

[BaileyB]

I think we will all agree that it’s not cool to raise your voice to your significant other… but, I doubt we would be able to find someone who has not said something to our partner in frustration that we have regretted the moment it was said.

The unfortunate thing here is that it was said in front of others. And then, when you add the influence of a culture that values respect and harmony…

Honestly, I would tell you to give yourself a break. Your wife has some responsibility here too… She was aware that she had an obligation the next day and the fact that she didn’t control her own behavior the night before is on her - 

You have apologized, I say that now you wait. Hopefully, it blows over. Your wife could also speak with her mother to own the fact that that you had previously agreed to stop drinking and could have made a better decision too…

Edited August 8, 2023 by BaileyB

[thefilmguy24]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. You apologized to your GFs mother so there's not much more you can do. Hopefully your GF and her mother settle down.

You say she doesn't have a drinking problem, but her drinking is causing problems. Including difficulty controlling drinking.

Please see if this helps :

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

Thank you for your reply and the advice. Yes, I’m giving her mom her space as I asked other family members if she’s still upset and she still is. I hate the feeling of someone being upset with me for my mistake and it bothers me. I know I have to let her cool off but I just don’t want to be hated. 

[thefilmguy24]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

I think we will all agree that it’s not cool to raise your voice to your significant other… but, I doubt we would be able to find someone who has not said something to our partner in frustration that we have regretted the moment it was said.

The unfortunate thing here is that it was said in front of others. And then, when you add the influence of a culture that values respect and harmony…

Honestly, I would tell you to give yourself a break. Your wife has some responsibility here too… She was aware that she had an obligation the next day and the fact that she didn’t control her own behavior the night before is on her - 

You have apologized, I say that now you wait. Hopefully, it blows over. Your wife could also speak with her mother to own the fact that that you had previously agreed to stop drinking and could have made a better decision too…

Thank you for the reply and advice. I know we both may have some accountability in the incident but I know I should have checked my emotions and tried to be more civil and do it in a more private way. I’m giving her space to cool down but I was just told by other family members that she’s still upset with me. I just hate that feeling of being hated at the moment. I am truly sorry and ashamed on the way I acted. But thank you for your kind words. 

[S2B]

So you were the only one being responsible - and she wasn’t honoring her promise to you to quit drinking early enough to go home - yet they made YOU the bad guy?

it wasn’t ideal raising your voice - but who wouldn’t after all that disrespect?

I would say your wife is the one who should be apologizing for putting you in that crappy position by not keeping her word.

her need to drink for that long certainly looks like it is an issue she should handle.

stop apologizing! Your wife was disrespectful and made herself the liar.

[Alpacalia]

I'm sure you're not going to be hated.

It was a one-time incident and you have already apologized. I'm sure in time you'll be able to rebuild the bond you had before this incident with her mother.

Your SO was probably a bit startled that you suddenly raised your voice and embarrassed her with your reaction in front of her mother and friends. Raising your voice was out of character for you and you recognized it as a mistake since you apologized.

Chances are she herself is embarrassed and not sure how to handle it either. Give her time to cool down. If she was drunk by the time she needed to sober up chances are that she had no awareness of how to manage the situation responsibly. That's on her, not you.

She will hopefully understand that you wanted her to have the energy and clarity to drive the following morning by keeping her from drinking. Your intention is not to hurt either one of them personally, so she needs to realize that. Keep it light and stress that you simply wanted to make sure she was in the best position to drive safely.

Your primary intention was to protect her safety and not to put her down. She needs to get over it. Everyone missteps from time to time.

Don't get discouraged. Best of luck!

Edited August 9, 2023 by Alpacalia

[thefilmguy24]

A little update. My SO hasn’t said anything about the incident. I’m not too sure if I should bring it up or wait until she does. As for her mom, haven’t seen her all day until just now. I was walking downstairs to to get something when we crossed paths on the stairs and she said something in Tagalog. I don’t speak Tagalog as my grandparents spoke to us in English when we were growing up. I don’t know if it was something bad or what and I can’t help but wonder. We live with her so it’s gonna be a little awkward for minute. I guess I just have to let her cool down and maybe find the right moment to approach her again. I’ve been given advice by my SO’s family that I just need to give her space and try to be talkative to my MIL when I do have a chance and even ask her if she needs any help or anything from the store if I’m going. Just small things even though she is going to say no almost every time. It’s gonna be an awkward journey for sure. 

[glows]

Are you both planning on moving out or having your own place?

I agree on giving her space and dropping the subject. There’s nothing to talk about as it doesn’t even sound like your partner has a clue what she caused nor does she seem to want to get further involved. She seems to think this is your issue with her mother as does everyone else. Try not to make this into a big issue. You’ve already talked with your mother in law and she gave you a piece of her mind. Let things be. 

I have to wonder why your partner is acting so dumb and clueless and guilt free in all this and whether she’s expressed any remorse for her actions the night before. How did it even go seeing your family? Was she half decent or spectacularly hung over? I’d drop the issue and not keep rehashing it with your partner or her family.

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, thefilmguy24 said:

We live with her so it’s gonna be a little awkward for minute.

Try to let the dust settle and let your GF bring it up when she's ready. Just be polite to your GFs mother since you live with her. Reconsider the drinking if it puts you in a loud mood in your GFs mother's house. 

[Alpacalia]

They seem like a very close knit family so they're just being protective of their daughter. My boyfriend is very close with his family too (mainly, his mother...) and she initially made me tear up a bit when we started dating because she didn't like something about my hair, I can't recall correctly, but it was a very awkward situation for me.. Thankfully he stood up for me 🙂

Even though it seems awkward, it will slowly start to feel better and more relaxed. Sometimes it's better to just give a bit of a space and wait until things cools down. While it's not great that you yelled at her, she too should understand that you were worried about you both getting up early the next morning to travel.

She also needs to stand by you a bit when it comes to potentially curbing her drinking.

Your SO needs to comprehend this in order to help bridge the relationship between you and her mom by supporting your standpoint.

Edited August 9, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Kassieee]

Stop feeling sorry and desperate for her to forgive you. The only mother you have to bow down to is the mother who gave birth to you. You apologized... her mom needs to get over herself.

 

[JTSW]

You were looking out for your SO for god sakes.

She's the one that have a talking to by her mother because she couldn't control her drinking, not you.

Your SO showed disrespect for you by getting drunk when you asked her not to because of travel plans to your family.

They have blown it all out of proportion.

If things get this bad over something so trivial then I would rethink wanting to be a part of this family.

[Els]

Just to clarify, since I think people are getting different interpretations of your post... my interpretation is that the two of you were actually at home when you were drinking, so you didn't need to drive home after drinking, and you didn't actually need to do anything other than sleep before your drive the next day. Is this correct?

If so, then I'm not really seeing a safety issue here, since most people are capable of traveling 9 hours after drinking, even if they might feel a bit crummy. And drinking til 1am at gatherings is extremely common in most Asian cultures, including mine (I'm not Filipina specifically, but I imagine it's the same there). So, I agree with you that you were quite out of line to behave like that. Honestly, if I saw someone's partner yell at them in public, I would rightly be concerned for them, because if they are doing that in front of me, what else are they doing when I'm not there? Also, in these cultures parents tend to be protective of their daughters, and they can be wary about the potential for domestic violence.

However, what happened has already happened, and there isn't really anything that can be done about it except to apologize and not do it again. Don't expect a quick fix - she will likely be wary of you for a while but things will repair themselves in time.

Edited August 9, 2023 by Els

[JTSW]

5 minutes ago, Els said:

you didn't need to drive home after drinking, and you didn't actually need to do anything other than sleep before your drive the next day. Is this correct?

I think he didn't want either of them to be too intoxicated as they had to up very early the next morning.

I think his frustration with his SO is because she promised she wouldn't get drunk because they had to be up early and she did it anyway.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, JTSW said:

I think he didn't want either of them to be too intoxicated as they had to up very early the next morning.

That said, OP has to realize that she is a big girl capable of making her own decisions. Being hung-over and tired when you have to get up early the next morning is the natural consequence to overindulging… We have all done it. 

The problem here for me is that she told you that she would stop and she didn’t. And, while that is her decision and she has the right to change her mind, I would be annoyed by her behavior. The car ride would have been very quiet the next morning…

Edited August 9, 2023 by BaileyB

[JTSW]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

The problem here for me is that she told you that she would stop and she didn’t. And, while that is her decision and she has the right to change her mind, I would be frustrated by her decision to keep drinking when you had apparently agreed to stop.

I agree. I feel she disrespected him in front of her family just as much as he did.

[thefilmguy24]

1 hour ago, Els said:

Just to clarify, since I think people are getting different interpretations of your post... my interpretation is that the two of you were actually at home when you were drinking, so you didn't need to drive home after drinking, and you didn't actually need to do anything other than sleep before your drive the next day. Is this correct?

If so, then I'm not really seeing a safety issue here, since most people are capable of traveling 9 hours after drinking, even if they might feel a bit crummy. And drinking til 1am at gatherings is extremely common in most Asian cultures, including mine (I'm not Filipina specifically, but I imagine it's the same there). So, I agree with you that you were quite out of line to behave like that. Honestly, if I saw someone's partner yell at them in public, I would rightly be concerned for them, because if they are doing that in front of me, what else are they doing when I'm not there? Also, in these cultures parents tend to be protective of their daughters, and they can be wary about the potential for domestic violence.

However, what happened has already happened, and there isn't really anything that can be done about it except to apologize and not do it again. Don't expect a quick fix - she will likely be wary of you for a while but things will repair themselves in time.

Quote

Just to clarify, since I think people are getting different interpretations of your post... my interpretation is that the two of you were actually at home when you were drinking, so you didn't need to drive home after drinking, and you didn't actually need to do anything other than sleep before your drive the next day. Is this correct?

Yes that is correct. We were at home so there was no need to drive home that night. I just didn’t want her to be hung over the next morning on the drive up to my family. She did wake up and was not hung over which was a blessing. We were able to make to my family’s house with no issues and she was fine. She did take a small nap in the car when we did leave though. 

[JTSW]

1 minute ago, thefilmguy24 said:

She did take a small nap in the car when we did leave though. 

I don't get hangovers the following mornings but it does catch up with me by the afternoon.

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, thefilmguy24 said:

. She did wake up and was not hung over 

It seems like things calmed down. Unfortunately this is complicated by the fact that you live in her mother's house. So trying to control her drinking and making a scene in the mother's house is the problem. 

Try to keep your relationship issues private. It doesn't seem like the mother is annoyed enough to throw you out, but if you have issues with her drinking, take it up with her privately rather than involving her family.

[BaileyB]

39 minutes ago, thefilmguy24 said:

I just didn’t want her to be hung over the next morning on the drive up to my family.

I think you have learned the hard way that while you were well intended, it is ultimately not your decision. 

[MicheleT]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

That said, OP has to realize that she is a big girl capable of making her own decisions. Being hung-over and tired when you have to get up early the next morning is the natural consequence to overindulging… 

Except she acted quite immaturely.  Was she supposed to split the driving with you, OP?  Unfortunately, her immature behavior may potentially cause big harms on others!  I think you’ve apologized more than enough already.  Your SO really got some nerve to be upset at you!  She’s so drunk that she didn’t even remember what happened and why her mother was upset?! 

[MicheleT]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like things calmed down. Unfortunately this is complicated by the fact that you live in her mother's house. So trying to control her drinking and making a scene in the mother's house is the problem. 

Is it her mother’s house though?  OP only mentioned the mother lives with them, which I assume is the norm in his SO’s culture?

[thefilmguy24]

I am learning the hard way on how to deal with my emotions. Like everyone said, I know I was wrong in my actions and should have done it privately. As of now, I’m going to have to give it time. My SO’s brother-in-law told me that in Filipino culture, “Happy mom, happy wife.” If I make her mom happy, she will be happy. I do love and respect her mom and I do respect my elders learning from my Americanized Filipino culture. So time is just what I need to do but it’s awkward trying not to walk on egg shells. I’m thinking of getting her mom some flowers as a peace offering/olive branch to soften the tension/awkwardness. 

[thefilmguy24]

55 minutes ago, MicheleT said:

Is it her mother’s house though?  OP only mentioned the mother lives with them, which I assume is the norm in his SO’s culture?

Yes that is correct in the Filipino culture or any Asian culture, family members live with each other. 

Edited August 9, 2023 by thefilmguy24