How to fix relationship with mother-in-law

[MicheleT]

16 minutes ago, thefilmguy24 said:

Yes that is correct in the Filipino culture or any Asian culture, family members live with each other. 

Again, this is an overkill!  The way I see it, your SO should take at least 80% of the blame here — she’s the root cause to this ordeal after all.  You’ve already apologized profusely, multiple times.  If you keep bending over backwards to be extra accommodating, you’re sending them the message that it’s okay for them to disrespect YOU!

Do you all contribute financially to the house?  I’m asking because a previous reply seemed to imply that you have to be extra accommodating because you’re living in the mother’s house for free?

[Alpacalia]

Yes, if boyfriend and I agreed to drive early the next morning and he promised not to get drunk then did I'd be pretty annoyed and would probably tell him to stay home. But then, I can also see being yelled at in front of people embarrassing. But, the issue is more with the mother here.

The mother didn't like you yelling at their daughter, plain and simple. It's their daughter, they have the right to be protective of her and take issue with how you chose to handle the situation. Just worry about how you can make sure something similar doesn't happen in the future. Apologizing for your tone (as you already did) is a good start. If you're living there rent free then her mother has the right to make certain expectations of you and she probably also expected you to show respect toward her daughter in this instance.

[thefilmguy24]

Yes we all contribute to the house and no I am not living for free. I do help out financially on the home as we all do. Just FYI. 

[MicheleT]

19 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Yes, if boyfriend and I agreed to drive early the next morning and he promised not to get drunk then did I'd be pretty annoyed and would probably tell him to stay home. But then, I can also see being yelled at in front of people embarrassing. But, the issue is more with the mother here.

OP: Has your SO apologized to you for her reckless behavior?  While raising your voice to your SO is bad, especially in front of others, I see this situation as one of those exceptions, unless you’re a saint!

Edited August 9, 2023 by MicheleT

[Alpacalia]

Yes, it sounds like you overstepped in this situation.

I feel like at this point maybe it's not so much about an apology but rather an explanation.

You could talk to her mom and explain your intentions, that you were not trying to be disrespectful and that you just wanted to ensure you that both of you would have a safe drive the next day since you both had been drinking. Were those your intentions? That's what it sounds like to me given your initial thread post.

As far as talking to your SO, she may be feeling embarrassed and humiliated that you scolded her in front of others. So think of ways to pick up the pieces and show her that it wasn’t all for naught.

It's her choice to drink as much as she wants and of course, you want her to know that you love and respect her and that it was really the situation that got out of hand more than anything.

[MicheleT]

The mother has been living with you guys, so she must know how you treat her daughter on a daily basis.  I suspect a large part of why she’s so upset was that  she’s losing face in front of her relatives.  But the same can be said of bringing a drunk/hangover SO to a family gathering.

Edited August 9, 2023 by MicheleT

[thefilmguy24]

21 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Yes, it sounds like you overstepped in this situation.

I feel like at this point maybe it's not so much about an apology but rather an explanation.

You could talk to her mom and explain your intentions, that you were not trying to be disrespectful and that you just wanted to ensure you that both of you would have a safe drive the next day since you both had been drinking. Were those your intentions? That's what it sounds like to me given your initial thread post.

Quote

You could talk to her mom and explain your intentions, that you were not trying to be disrespectful and that you just wanted to ensure you that both of you would have a safe drive the next day since you both had been drinking. Were those your intentions? That's what it sounds like to me given your initial thread post.

 

Yes that was my intention so that we may have a nice ride up and not have her get sick as she is prone to motion sickness.

As far as talking to your SO, she may be feeling embarrassed and humiliated that you scolded her in front of others. So think of ways to pick up the pieces and show her that it wasn’t all for naught.

It's her choice to drink as much as she wants and of course, you want her to know that you love and respect her and that it was really the situation that got out of hand more than anything.

Quote

As far as talking to your SO, she may be feeling embarrassed and humiliated that you scolded her in front of others. So think of ways to pick up the pieces and show her that it wasn’t all for naught.

It's her choice to drink as much as she wants and of course, you want her to know that you love and respect her and that it was really the situation that got out of hand more than anything.
 

It is her choice and I don’t mind as long as she doesn’t over do it where I have to take care of her during the night. I mean she’s done taken care of me as well if I over do it. It’s a give/take kind of thing. I do love and respect her and her family as they know that I treat her good and we have a beautiful 11 year old daughter together.

 

 

Edited August 9, 2023 by thefilmguy24

[Alpacalia]

I wish not to generalize but I have a few Filipino friends and the mothers take great pride in raising their children and respect is paramount. These were also elders. 

If this was a one time incident then you're going to have to show a little humility here. I'm not crazy about things my boyfriend's mother does either but sometimes I have to swallow my pride (depending on what it is, of course). You're living in her home and have been together for 13 years, so that's going to count for something. I would hope that her mother, and her daughter too, can forgive you, and that the daughter understands that her drinking hampered your plans for the morning and that she also accepts responsibility for her part in the incident.

Edited August 9, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, thefilmguy24 said:

. I do help out financially on the home as we all do. 

Well of course you pay rent but the issue is you live in her house and they thought it was rude that you raised your voice. Talk to your GF in private when she's ready. Let the dust settle.

[thefilmguy24]

Yes it is her house and the friends and family was their 

34 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I wish not to generalize but I have a few Filipino friends and the mothers take great pride in raising their children and respect is paramount. These were also elders. 

If this was a one time incident then you're going to have to show a little humility here. I'm not crazy about things my boyfriend's mother does either but sometimes I have to swallow my pride (depending on what it is, of course). You're living in her home and have been together for 13 years, so that's going to count for something. I would hope that her mother, and her daughter too, can forgive you, and that the daughter understands that her drinking hampered your plans for the morning and that she also accepts responsibility for her part in the incident.

Yes this is exactly how it is in the Filipino culture. Pride and respect go a long way with Filipinos and all other cultures as well. I may have to eat the L on this one as it was rude of me to raise my voice when I got frustrated. I wouldn’t have liked if my SO did the same to me in my moms house. But I do believe my SO is embarrassed by the incident as she should be in a way and should be held accountable a bit. I know her mom will forgive me, it’s just going to take some time. 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, MicheleT said:

OP: Has your SO apologized to you for her reckless behavior?  While raising your voice to your SO is bad, especially in front of others, I see this situation as one of those exceptions, unless you’re a saint!

Good point, "MicheleT"...

[Alpacalia]

8 minutes ago, thefilmguy24 said:

Yes it is her house and the friends and family was their 

Yes this is exactly how it is in the Filipino culture. Pride and respect go a long way with Filipinos and all other cultures as well. I may have to eat the L on this one as it was rude of me to raise my voice when I got frustrated. I wouldn’t have liked if my SO did the same to me in my moms house. But I do believe my SO is embarrassed by the incident as she should be in a way and should be held accountable a bit. I know her mom will forgive me, it’s just going to take some time. 

I'm sure it will all blow over in due time. You've been together for 13 years.

I know my sister's ex once reprimanded her because she became a little too inebriated at a real estate event and he was more upset because he felt she is a mother and wife and should not be acting that way and it made my sister feel like crap. My sister was the most responsible, hard-working, devoted wife and mother for the length of their marriage and it was not a big deal - it was a single moment and he made a swell out of it.  

Having been together for 13 years, I'm sure that you and your SO also are able to communicate in a productive manner and will be able to talk through the situation together. It sounds like this was a single incident and not a chronic pattern of behavior, so I think it will all blow over and your relationship will remain solid. You sound like a good guy and I'm sure you will both make this right. Just take some time to talk to each other, be open and listen to what you both have to say, and you can get through this.

I hope your SO  knows that her drinking and small incident isn't why you raised your voice; it was because you were frustrated. I advise her to be more conscious of your feelings in the future and to understand that even though it wasn't the best choice to raise your voice, you guys can talk through the issue and keep your relationship healthy.

[Kassieee]

2 hours ago, thefilmguy24 said:

I am learning the hard way on how to deal with my emotions. Like everyone said, I know I was wrong in my actions and should have done it privately. As of now, I’m going to have to give it time. My SO’s brother-in-law told me that in Filipino culture, “Happy mom, happy wife.” If I make her mom happy, she will be happy. I do love and respect her mom and I do respect my elders learning from my Americanized Filipino culture. So time is just what I need to do but it’s awkward trying not to walk on egg shells. I’m thinking of getting her mom some flowers as a peace offering/olive branch to soften the tension/awkwardness. 

Not your job to make her mom happy. Respect her yes, but all this extra stuff... no. Stop walking on eggshells. Her mom doesn't have to be on a pedestal. You apologized that's enough. 

 

 

[Els]

5 hours ago, JTSW said:

I think he didn't want either of them to be too intoxicated as they had to up very early the next morning.

I think his frustration with his SO is because she promised she wouldn't get drunk because they had to be up early and she did it anyway.

I can understand why he would be frustrated, but shouting in frustration at your SO in front of their parents is a HUGE faux pas in most Asian cultures. Huge as in, one of the worst things you could do. Honestly I didn't even think that this was just an Asian thing (I thought it was universal), but from the responses on this thread apparently it is...

4 hours ago, thefilmguy24 said:

Yes that is correct. We were at home so there was no need to drive home that night. I just didn’t want her to be hung over the next morning on the drive up to my family. She did wake up and was not hung over which was a blessing. We were able to make to my family’s house with no issues and she was fine. She did take a small nap in the car when we did leave though. 

Good to hear that. I think in the future you should just let her make her own decisions as to how much she drinks, unless there is a safety concern. If her drinking actually starts to impact her next day activities noticeably, then you can sit down together and have a discussion about it - privately and without raised voices.

Re: the MIL, I think you should just give it time and let things settle down. They will smooth out in time.

[thefilmguy24]

I understand that some of you may think I’m very lenient on the incident but you have to know that Filipinos are very hard headed about their ways. Pride and respect go a long way with them. They believe that as we get older we need to take care of our parents as they took care of us. I’m not putting her mom on a pedestal but just being respectful and helping out as I know of the culture as I’m half myself. 

[Kassieee]

15 minutes ago, thefilmguy24 said:

I understand that some of you may think I’m very lenient on the incident but you have to know that Filipinos are very hard headed about their ways. Pride and respect go a long way with them. They believe that as we get older we need to take care of our parents as they took care of us. I’m not putting her mom on a pedestal but just being respectful and helping out as I know of the culture as I’m half myself. 

I am just saying that you messed up, but you apologized- she can't seem to put "pride" aside and would rather have you feel like you have to walk on eggshells and be hostile- thats childish, and not a trait that deserves respect. Elders aren't always right. 

You too are family and deserve respect and forgiveness. Your wife should be buying you flowers for putting you in that perdictiment.

Edited August 9, 2023 by justaskingok

[thefilmguy24]

4 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

I am just saying that you messed up, but you apologized- she can't seem to put "pride" aside and would rather have you feel like you have to walk on eggshells and be hostile- thats childish, and not a trait that deserves respect. Elders aren't always right. 

You too are family and deserve respect and forgiveness. Your wife should be buying you flowers for putting you in that perdictiment.

I got you. I understand and it makes sense of what you’re saying. I agree with you but to be honest, I just don’t want make the situation worse. Normally I would say something, but English is her 2nd language and sometimes things can get lost in translation.I know there are battles to fight but this may be one I may have to lose. 

[Alpacalia]

A big part of the issue, in your words, is that you do not want them to hate you. Why is that a concern? Is it important to you that they like you, or is it more about making sure that you maintain the respect of her mother that is important?

Here's the thing. When you are yelling at her, then it means it’s your weapon to use for being heard and understood. When someone is not listening to us, then we raise our voice to establish our point. When you yell it shuts her down. So, if you need more love and understanding then you should remember that respect and love have to be mutual and it cannot be imposed on her through words.

If she got drunk at the party after specifically agreeing not to get drunk at the party and thinks you never let her enjoy herself then she’s probably got a problem. But if this was the first time that she did this, it’s probably a one-time incident and can be discussed with her in a peaceful manner. You can show that you are disappointed without raising your voice.

You mentioned (correct me if I am wrong) that you were drinking too and buzzed, alcohol tends to bring out what's really inside of us IMHO, the side we keep people from seeing, because it causes us to lose our self-control, and in the process, let our guard down, exposing who we are and what we really feel. Not saying you're wrong at all, but it's something to be aware of.

Edited August 9, 2023 by Alpacalia

[thefilmguy24]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

A big part of the issue, in your words, is that you do not want them to hate you. Why is that a concern? Is it important to you that they like you, or is it more about making sure that you maintain the respect of her mother that is important?

Here's the thing. When you are yelling at her, then it means it’s your weapon to use for being heard and understood. When someone is not listening to us, then we raise our voice to establish our point. When you yell it shuts her down. So, if you need more love and understanding then you should remember that respect and love have to be mutual and it cannot be imposed on her through words.

If she got drunk at the party after specifically agreeing not to get drunk at the party and thinks you never let her enjoy herself then she’s probably got a problem. But if this was the first time that she did this, it’s probably a one-time incident and can be discussed with her in a peaceful manner. You can show that you are disappointed without raising your voice.

You mentioned (correct me if I am wrong) that you were drinking too and buzzed, alcohol tends to bring out what's really inside of us IMHO, the side we keep people from seeing, because it causes us to lose our self-control, and in the process, let our guard down, exposing who we are and what we really feel. Not saying you're wrong at all, but it's something to be aware of.

Yes you are right that I may feel the need to not be hated. I have always tried to make people happy and put them first before myself. I guess it’s just a trait of mine where I want to take care of people before my needs. 
 

I don’t mind her having a good time but there is a line where you should know when to stop. We are all guilty of this. I mean I’ve done it a few times with her family and got completely black out drunk. But I always apologized for my behavior because from what I do remember, I acted like a fool. (FYI just being a dumb drunk guy, nothing like starting fights or arguing. Just normal drunkenness)

Yes I was a little buzzed too so I was a fault for nothing thinking and letting my emotions take over. Sometimes I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and I should be aware of that. Thank you for your advice and insight. 

[Kassieee]

22 hours ago, thefilmguy24 said:

I got you. I understand and it makes sense of what you’re saying. I agree with you but to be honest, I just don’t want make the situation worse. Normally I would say something, but English is her 2nd language and sometimes things can get lost in translation.I know there are battles to fight but this may be one I may have to lose. 

Just learn from your mistakes and dont repeat them... most authentic way they will see you meant your apology. 

[mark clemson]

As I'm not up on Filipino culture, there may be some nuances of this that I'm not understanding. That said, my thoughts would be-

- Your SO needs to take responsibility to not overindulge in the future as that is the root cause here.

- YOU need to avoid blowing up/acting disrespectfully (as you see it) as you did.

Hopefully the mother-in-law settles down over time if there are no repeats or further similar incidents. If she is not actively "against" you but merely disappointed, then perhaps things are not so bad (but again there may be cultural nuances I'm missing here).

Overall, I feel like this is the sort of thing that (assuming ONE instance, not a recurring pattern) tends to eventually blow over in a committed, long-term relationship. Hopefully that will happen for you.

Edited August 10, 2023 by mark clemson

[S2B]

Your wife wasn’t respecting you!

for a culture/household based on respect - ask yourself why she doesn’t respect you?

her actions - and reaction shows she absolutely doesn’t respect you!

[Clockwork]

You did all you could do. You said you were sorry. Your wife was acting irresponsible and sounds like she may have a drinking problem. You raised your voice in front of her family. Look, I get it, I've had some private conversations with my wife where I talked in a manner that would have been different if her mother was around. We all have. As has she. This is private stuff between a wife and husband. The only mistake you made was that you shouldn't have done it in front of her family. However, she was really testing things by the sounds of it. I get it. 

[Gagirl]

You don’t.  If she’s not willing to adjust her bad behavior there is nothing you can do.  You can choose to take her abuse or not. 

[thefilmguy24]

Update: so it’s been a few weeks now and I thought everything has kind of cooled down. guess not. My SO has acknowledged she had some blame in the incident but her mom is still holding a grudge against me. My SO told me her mom is still upset that I didn’t apologize to her which I stated I did repeatedly and even bought flowers as an olive branch(FYI I didn’t apologize at that time due to having guests in the home) andI at least made a gesture. So should I apologize again to just ease the tension with her mom? I feel I already did but I also want to make sure my relationship with her mom stays on good terms. Please help. TIA