Navigating a new relationship

[amkxoxo]

I have a new boyfriend. We've been together for two months.  I'm really happy with him. But could use some advice navigating this new relationship. 

Some things I love that he does:

He calls me on nights that we aren't together and we talk on the phone. He tells me about his day and he asks about mine. He sends me pictures of him at work. He'll send me pictures of him with his family and friends. He'll text me excited about new things he's buying or something he's passionate about. He'll ask my advice on things. 

He plans ahead usually a week and pins me down for a night or two during the week for dates and usually one weekend night. 

He's sweet when we are together and treats me like a princess. He wants to make me laugh and smile.  He tries to make me happy. 

When he has money he takes me out and spoils me with nice dinners and activities. He insists on paying. 

He wants me to meet his family and he asked me to go on a weekend trip away with him, his mom, dad, brother, brothers wife, and child. That is in three weeks. I've never met them before. 

He's told his family and friends all about me and he told me he brags about me to them. He wants to meet my parents and he wants to impress them. 

We just recently became intimate and he's very sweet, not pushy, giving, respectful. 

Some things I'm confused about:

He has money struggles. He's been very upfront about it to me. 

Recently he's been very tight with money so we haven't been able to go out. We've been sitting at my place a lot hanging out, watching movies. Sitting outside talking at night. 

He loves his guy friends and likes to spend a lot of time with them. But I sometimes feel like he prioritizes them over me. I love that he has close friends,but even the other day, he told me he was going to come over, but he got held up with his friend doing a house project then bailed on our plans. I wasn't happy and told him so. 

He was texting me the whole time and said he was sad he couldn't see me. But he picked helping his friend all day and not me. 

He's been going to concerts with his guy friend and I'm okay with it, but he doesn't ask me to go to shows with him. Him and his buddy like this certain music that I don't like, but I feel like you'd want to go to things with your girlfriend. 

He's mentioned to me many times about meeting his friends and he'll even throw out days. But then no plan ever comes about and he seems to just hangout with them by himself. 

He told me early on that he has stomach issues and is trying to figure it out with his doctor. We recently got intimate and he told me how his stomach hurts. Twice now we've been having great sexx and he doesn't finish and says his stomach is rolling. He seems tired. But he's aroused and hard. So it's not an arousal issue. I want him to finish and be happy being intimate with me. He's super giving and says how he's turned on. But the not finishing is odd to me. 

He was supposed to sleep over my house one night. I was so excited. But he bailed and went home saying his stomach hurt. 

[Alpacalia]

You've had him under the microscope for far too long and quite possibly he could be feeling guilty, embarrassed and/or suffocated by the amount of attention you want. Even though you have had sex, don't be in such a rush to get to the "physical stuff"– it could be that he just isn't ready for it 100%. 

Two months and you feel that he needs to impress your parents already? Maybe just continue to get to know each other and let your relationship progress naturally at its own pace. Also, don't be too quick to jump on with his invitation to go on a weekend trip with his family. You two need to be comfortable with each other, and be able to trust each other before you take this next big step.

Two months and you expect daily updates from where he is and what he's doing. Men need their personal time and space and being with someone all the time in this short amount could be catching up too soon. You need to understand that and respect it.

I can kind of see why he backs away from you. Not saying it's right but you seem quite naively keen to rush a relationship forward and this might be a sign for him to take it slow! Make sure he doesn't feel like a caged bird when he is with you.

I will say though, if you feel that you need more at this juncture, maybe he is not the right partner for you. He might be feeling like he cannot live up to what you want in a partner and is not the one. 

The thing is, you can't force or expect to be a priority. Either that will come naturally, or it won't.

Get busy living your life and taking care of yourself first to show him that you are living and not so dependent on him or the relationship. If your man still isn't taking you seriously and invests enough time in the relationship, your best option is to give him the space to think.

Maybe he is simply trying to protect himself and not screw up, or maybe he is not sure of what he feels about you yet.

Spend time with your friends and family, keep doing the things that make you happy. Don’t expect him to entertain you, spend time with your friends and family and look to appreciate your own life. That could actually make him appreciate you more and it will ease the "pressure" of him being a priority. Best of luck! Hope it works out.

Edited August 9, 2023 by Alpacalia

[stillafool]

You've only been in the relationship since 7/25, so not even a month yet.  I remember when you first got in the relationship he wanted to take you out on the upcomiing Saturday night but you chose to go out with your friends.  Why is it okay for you but not him?  Also you said when he has money he takes you out and spoils you with dinners and such.  Then you go on to complain that he doesn't take you out.  Then you complain that he and his friends go to concerts to hear music you don't like.  Yet you complain that he should take you to the concerts to listen to music you don't like.  Now you're complaining because his stomach hurts and he won't cum in you.  Honestly, this guy can't seem to win with you and if you don't get it together he's going to rightfully bounce.

[Gaeta]

My answer was based on 2 months dating. Which is not the case. 

Edited August 9, 2023 by Gaeta

[Wiseman2]

He doesn't want the same relationship you want. 

[BrinnM]

3 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

1) We've been sitting at my place a lot hanging out, watching movies. Sitting outside talking at night. 

2) ….. but he got held up with his friend doing a house project then bailed on our plans. I wasn't happy and told him so. 

3) Him and his buddy like this certain music that I don't like, but I feel like you'd want to go to things with your girlfriend. 

4) He's mentioned to me many times about meeting his friends and he'll even throw out days. But then no plan ever comes about and he seems to just hangout with them by himself. 

5) But he's aroused and hard. So it's not an arousal issue. I want him to finish and be happy being intimate with me. He's super giving and says how he's turned on. But the not finishing is odd to me. 

This relationship is brand new and he’s shown you a lot of love & affection, trying to plan nice dates and wanting you to meet his family. Even going on a planned vacation with them. That’s huge after 2 months. I’m not sure what you’re so insecure about, seriously. I honestly see no red flags (other than maybe #5). 

Individual points I’d like to comment on separately:

1) That sounds lovely; it doesn’t always have to be an expensive date. And if you want to do something fancy while he’s short on money, why don’t you treat him to an exceptional date? He’s done it for you, too. Reciprocate! Unless he’s constantly struggling with money, I see no reason why it can’t be a healthy give and take. 

2) I love a man (and people in general) who treats his friends nicely, and helps them out. Big turn on! He’s there for them. That means he’s a decent person and a great guy! And he kept in touch the entire night while he was with his friend, so what’s the problem? Plans can change. His friend needed his help. You didn’t have concert tickets or anything. 🤷🏼‍♀️
 

3) He probably doesn’t want to bore or annoy you, because he knows his music taste is different from yours. That probably means he respects you. As far as I can tell, you guys spend a lot of time together. People need friends and they need to hang out with them. There’s nothing wrong with that.
 

4) It’s only been a few months. Many won’t meet their new partners’ friends until way later; plus, if he plans a group meeting with a few of them, maybe plus their GFs, it can take time to arrange that. People are busy. 
 

5) This sounds like he’s using porn a lot, or has in the past, before meeting you, and now he is too used to jerking off which might desensitize him and some men can’t climax when they do that for a while. That would be the only thing that would bother me, TBH. The stomach issue could be an excuse (because he knows he can’t orgasm properly during intercourse so he pretends to be sick), or it could be a real health issue. If it is a real health issue and not just an excuse, then yes, pain will prevent you from climaxing. You’re distracted by pain. 
 

All in all, he sounds like a great guy. Treats you well and with respect, treats his friends well, doesn’t lie, doesn’t cheat. Just enjoy the ride!!

[NuevoYorko]

Re-read the post you wrote on July 21st.  It seems like you've done some significant re-writing of history.   Or else these are different guys, in which case you haven't been in this relationship for anything close to 2 months. 

[basil67]

4 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

He has money struggles. He's been very upfront about it to me. 

Recently he's been very tight with money so we haven't been able to go out. We've been sitting at my place a lot hanging out, watching movies. Sitting outside talking at night. 

Did he get into these issues via foolishness or bad circumstances?   For instance, does he buy heaps of stuff he doesn't need?  Or has he been affected by things beyond his control such as interest rate rises on loans, being layed off or having problems with his business?   If it's foolishness on his part, you need to be very cautious.  But if it's bad circumstance, I'd suggest you be understanding.

And why are you just hanging at home?  I assume you have an income, so what's stopping you from paying? And you could always go on affordable things such as picnics or galleries or walking?

4 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

He loves his guy friends and likes to spend a lot of time with them. But I sometimes feel like he prioritizes them over me. I love that he has close friends,but even the other day, he told me he was going to come over, but he got held up with his friend doing a house project then bailed on our plans. I wasn't happy and told him so. He was texting me the whole time and said he was sad he couldn't see me. But he picked helping his friend all day and not me. 

So you'd prefer that he bail on a half done job with his friend?  Sometimes projects take longer than expected.  If this isn't happening every weekend, it's rather selfish to get mad at him.  

4 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

He's been going to concerts with his guy friend and I'm okay with it

Who pays for his nights out? 

 

[Wiseman2]

On 7/14/2023 at 2:00 PM, amkxoxo said:

 I grew frustrated he wasn't rescheduling our date. 

I pin him down for Saturday night. 

Friday comes and he cancels on me. He said he forgot his friend had invited him to a party 

Unfortunately repeatedly cancelling dates and spending his money on partying with friends instead is not really "treating you like a princess". Step back instead of rushing in and reflect if you are compatible.

Edited August 10, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

He had plans with friends that he chose to stick to and not bail on them.

Especially having been dating for (confused by your timeline....1.5 months?).

I asked you in another thread, you didn't answer. But I am curious when his divorce was finalized? Have you been to his place? Are you sure he's 100% single? I understand that forming close relationships quickly can be a red flag. Just make sure he does spend time with you as well.

Look, the only thing that matters is if you're happy with his level of commitment. You don't have to buy him things or be his emotional support. Sure, maybe down the line when you've been together for a bit and there're been clear, mutual commitments made.

You can believe he is "hurtful" because he chose plans with a friend (just referencing that incident as an example), he sees all the time rather than coming over afterwards to spend time with you. But neither is necessarily true. That’s just what you believe. I believe it's better to focus on the 99% of things he is doing right, instead of focusing on one thing that he might not be doing perfectly. I think that is a better indication of how he feels, so if you need to speak about it, suggest that you do so in the way I once did: say how you feel without making him wrong (since it makes complete sense to him). He had plans with his friend first. You don’t break plans with someone to go out with someone else. It's his (very reasonable) defense, and it is equally valid as your thoughts about what a good boyfriend ought to do.

Part of something that I learned early on is when we are so attached to an outcome it is really coming from a place of ego. And that is within us. All this energy and effort spent in a relationship while it’s still forming can be toxic and unhealthy. Be honest with yourself. Don’t invest so quickly.

When you're not feeling a level of commitment and prioritization that is ACCEPTABLE FOR YOU (you and no one else...) you don't do that by trying to pull him in closer. You find out what it is by stepping back a bit and setting clearer boundaries. That is exactly what he is telling you right now - he has plans with friends. That doesn't mean he doesn't care, it just means his energy is elsewhere for that moment. If someone doesn't fit into your life, don't force it. You have to step back. Trust me, that is taking control and it is showing respect for yourself...

[amkxoxo]

I feel like maybe, he has a life without me, outside of me. He definitely spends time with me. But I don't have much of a bustling social life. I love doing things with him. A lot of my friends are married and having babies, so they aren't as into doing stuff like going to concerts and bars. He likes going out for drinks at this local club where he is a member. He talks about me coming with him, but then goes with his guy friends. I think so he can drink a lot and smoke cigars. I drink moderately, and don't smoke. 

He goes to concerts and parties. My friends just aren't doing that. Again, he goes with friends so he can drink and smoke cigars not around me. He says how he'll bring me to meet them, but then never does, or hasn't so far. 

I know he cares for me though, it's not that. 

 

[Alpacalia]

This is where you have to practice a little tough love. Tell him that you’d appreciate it if he stop giving you promises he doesn’t intend to keep. Given this relationship is very new, I would actually decline invites where he will be with his guy friends.

I wouldn't want to be meeting my boyfriend’s friends for the first time in a cigar club. That doesn’t seem like a great first impression. Do you think that perhaps, your lifestyles are just incompatible? It doesn't seem like he is taking your lifestyle where you don't participate in smoking and heavy drinking into account and he needs to be more mindful of that.

Edited August 10, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

. A lot of my friends are married and having babies, 

He just got divorced recently and he's enjoying his bachelor lifestyle. He's definitely not interested in marriage and babies anytime soon. He prefers spending his time and money on partying.  That's ok but is it for you? 

[amkxoxo]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He just got divorced recently and he's enjoying his bachelor lifestyle. He's definitely not interested in marriage and babies anytime soon. He prefers spending his time and money on partying.  That's ok but is it for you? 

I'm okay with it right now. We are so new. He said he does want to get married and kids in the next 3 to 5 years. I feel for myself that timeline is right for me too. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, amkxoxo said:

. I think so he can drink a lot 

This may be contributing to his sexual issues and erratic behavior.  

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, amkxoxo said:

I'm okay with it right now. We are so new. He said he does want to get married and kids in the next 3 to 5 years. I feel for myself that timeline is right for me too. 

He’s holding back because he doesn’t want to get the woman prrgnsnt and “ trapped” especially if he’s not yet divorced.

[Alpacalia]

It is interesting that you've not indicated if he is in fact divorced.

Maybe he isn't and that's why you've chosen not to address the question. Or maybe you don't know either?

If he isn't divorced or is newly divorced that paints a very different picture 

[JTSW]

15 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

I love that he has close friends,

You clearly don't.

15 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

He's been going to concerts with his guy friend and I'm okay with it

You're not.

You clearly want all his attention and complain every time he spends time with his friends.

You have no respect for that.

Even more concerning is that you have no respect for his health issues and only think of yourself when he is in pain.

He gets a little restricted sometimes when his stomach hurts, but you are more concerned about him finishing during intimacy.

Start thinking about him instead of yourself all the time or this is not going to last very long.

[stillafool]

Why won't you answer the question, is he divorced yet??

[stillafool]

9 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

 

Quote

But I don't have much of a bustling social life.

This isn't his problem.

Quote

 

 A lot of my friends are married and having babies, so they aren't as into doing stuff like going to concerts and bars. 

He goes to concerts and parties. My friends just aren't doing that. 

 

What did you and your friends do that Saturday night when you declined the date with him to go out with your friends?  You guys must be doing something. 

 

 

[amkxoxo]

8 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

It is interesting that you've not indicated if he is in fact divorced.

Maybe he isn't and that's why you've chosen not to address the question. Or maybe you don't know either?

If he isn't divorced or is newly divorced that paints a very different picture 

He's 150% divorced. I even looked up the public record myself to make sure. 

[JTSW]

10 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

I feel like maybe, he has a life without me, outside of me.

Yeah, he's allowed to have space away from you while he spends time with friends.

But you seem to think that every minute of his time should be spent with you.

Get real.

10 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

A lot of my friends are married and having babies, so they aren't as into doing stuff like going to concerts and bars. He likes going out for drinks at this local club where he is a member. He talks about me coming with him, but then goes with his guy friends. 

He goes to concerts and parties. My friends just aren't doing that.

So you think he should be doing what all your friends do??

Is he not allowed to have fun with his friends and time to himself?

You don't have to be a part of every aspect of his life, but you want to be.

Again, get real.

Seriously OP, so are sounding so possessive and if he has any ounce of self respect he would realise that you are really bad for him.

Your whole main post you describe how good he is to you, how much he does for you, how respectful of you are your family he is.

Yet not once have you mentioned anything you have done for him.

It's all about what you can get from him. 

Selfish much?

Edited August 10, 2023 by JTSW

[JTSW]

2 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

He's 150% divorced. I even looked up the public record myself to make sure. 

You lack trust, not a good sign.

[amkxoxo]

8 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

It is interesting that you've not indicated if he is in fact divorced.

Maybe he isn't and that's why you've chosen not to address the question. Or maybe you don't know either?

If he isn't divorced or is newly divorced that paints a very different picture 

He's been divorced for one year, and was separated for a year before that.  He said he went out dating last year right away and he said he quickly realized he wasn't ready, do after dating a couple women he stopped dating. He said he recently started dating again and met a few women who weren't right for him. But he said he feels completely ready for dating and a relationship now. 

[amkxoxo]

5 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Yeah, he's allowed to have space away from you while he spends time with friends.

But you seem to think that every minute of his time should be spent with you.

Get real.

So you think he should be doing what all your friends do??

Is he not allowed to have fun with his friends and time to himself?

You don't have to be a part of every aspect of his life, but you want to be.

Again, get real.

Seriously OP, so are sounding so possessive and if he has any ounce of self respect he would realise that you are really bad for him.

Your whole main post you describe how good he is to you, how much he does for you, how respectful of you are your family he is.

Yet not once have you mentioned anything you have done for him.

It's all about what you can get from him. 

Selfish much?

We hangout at my home on almost every date. I have him to my home to enjoy it. A few days ago I cooked him a really nice homemade dinner.