Navigating a new relationship

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

He pretty much told me this the other day. That he loves to relax with me. He's comfortable just being with me and chilling after a long day. 

After a long day he should relax at his home if he's tired and offer you his time when his battery is recharged. You are *dating* you are not in a long term relationship yet, he's suppose to show his best side. I could not agree more with @Versacehottie this man offers you very low efforts. 

How old is he?  Being at work at 5 am and finishing at 2 pm is nothing to feel sorry for! I have a friend who has the same schedule at 60 years old and he finds fun stuff to do with his gf in that little time window. He does not take her for granted with multiple evening spent talking in the backyard. This is not something you do at 2 weeks exclusive!

[Kassieee]

16 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

He pretty much told me this the other day. That he loves to relax with me. He's comfortable just being with me and chilling after a long day. 

 

So he doesn't invite you out to clubs but he invites on a family trip and would rather lay around with you at home. 

Different environments, if you catch my drift. 

Also, some guys enjoy different things when it comes to their friends VS their girlfriends.

Edited August 10, 2023 by justaskingok

[Alpacalia]

I don't get though. In one instance you say he has taken you out and spoils you with nice dinners and activities and then other times he doesn't. How often have you seen each other in these "two weeks?".

How much time are you expecting him to invest at two weeks. I still stand by what I said earlier that at two weeks, the two of you are still in the early stages of getting to know one another. Doesn't matter that you now have a label, at two weeks it is still all about taking things step by step and exploring each other and testing the waters.

If you aren't comfortable with him coming over to hang out, don't have him over.

Edited August 10, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Kassieee]

As a almost every weekend club goer myself, I can say it's not expensive.... everyone chips in in rounds of shots and buying bottles, jugs of beer. That's probably what he and his friends do. 

 

Edited August 10, 2023 by justaskingok

[Alpacalia]

How many times OP have you actually gone out with him on a date since you've known him? Who suggests coming over to your house, you or him?

Again, your timeline is confusing - 1.5 months that you've been dating in total? Who suggested being exclusive? I still feel that you were looking for this guy to fill a slot of some sort for you and I'm not entirely sure what is actually going on between you two, or what's on his mind or even if he's interested in a relationship with you as much as you with him.

I don't want to assign blame because I don't know much about this guy based on the limited information you shared but I do think it's important for you to take a step back and think about what type of relationship you want out of this person, if any. I know you mentioned the marriage timeline things, not sure why that was even shared or discussed in the first place. When I read your situation I feel like you are rushing into this.

You wanted Saturdays after dating for a short while, you wanted him to meet your parents, and go away on a weekend vacation for a family trip with you? You are wanting more of a commitment than two people who have been dating for 1.5 months can give each other. I'm not saying that it's wrong to want those things, or that there are other couple examples, where things were a bit quicker but it is worth mentioning that that is their experience not yours and that want to set yourself up for success in a relationship and it doesn’t sound like you are doing that or that he is.

Last thing you want is to be married to this guy only for it to crash and burn because you rushed. Since marriage seems to be on your horizon, which that's your right to. Doesn't mean he is, even if he says it, If he is truly wanting marriage he is still going to take his time getting there, especially after 1.5 months. And if he doesn't, then I'd have serious concerns about his motivation for wanting to marry you and would suggest exploring what is driving him.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's great when he steps up to the plate out of the gate and treats you like a princess. I get the feeling he got stuck in his own head about his money situation and perhaps he isn't ready to make the type of commitment you want in your relationship which is why he's slow on putting down dates and making plans.

If you choose to stay in this relationship, please don’t be afraid to go out and do things without him, either with girlfriends or on your own. This is a great way to gain some independence and make sure that when he does come around that it is for the right reasons, cause he wants to be with you and not just because he feels like he needs to be.

You can't turn a relationship into something that it isn't and if he truly isn't into it, then why waste your time?

Edited August 10, 2023 by Alpacalia

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

We hangout at my home on almost every date. I have him to my home to enjoy it. A few days ago I cooked him a really nice homemade dinner. 

OP, I'm sorry but we're all a bit confused because it seems you're contradicting yourself.  You told us you guys became exclusive on 7/25.  Then you say 2 months, which is it?

Also you said he spoils you when he has money by taking you to dinners and planning activities.  Then you say he doesn't take you out.  Which is correct?

[Els]

I'm so confused. Can you please confirm the length of this relationship @amkxoxo?

[amkxoxo]

23 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

How many times OP have you actually gone out with him on a date since you've known him? Who suggests coming over to your house, you or him?

Again, your timeline is confusing - 1.5 months that you've been dating in total? Who suggested being exclusive? I still feel that you were looking for this guy to fill a slot of some sort for you and I'm not entirely sure what is actually going on between you two, or what's on his mind or even if he's interested in a relationship with you as much as you with him.

I don't want to assign blame because I don't know much about this guy based on the limited information you shared but I do think it's important for you to take a step back and think about what type of relationship you want out of this person, if any. I know you mentioned the marriage timeline things, not sure why that was even shared or discussed in the first place. When I read your situation I feel like you are rushing into this.

You wanted Saturdays after dating for a short while, you wanted him to meet your parents, and go away on a weekend vacation for a family trip with you? You are wanting more of a commitment than two people who have been dating for two months can give each other. I'm not saying that it's wrong to want those things, or that there are other couple examples, where things were a bit quicker but it is worth mentioning that that is their experience not yours and that want to set yourself up for success in a relationship and it doesn’t sound like you are doing that or that he is.

Last thing you want is to be married to this guy only for it to crash and burn because you rushed. Since marriage seems to be on your horizon, which that's your right to. Doesn't mean he is, even if he says it, If he is truly wanting marriage he is still going to take his time getting there, especially after 2 months. And if he doesn't, then I'd have serious concerns about his motivation for wanting to marry you and would suggest exploring what is driving him.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's great when he steps up to the plate out of the gate and treats you like a princess. I get the feeling he got stuck in his own head about his money situation and perhaps he isn't ready to make the type of commitment you want in your relationship which is why he's slow on putting down dates and making plans.

If you choose to stay in this relationship, please don’t be afraid to go out and do things without him, either with girlfriends or on your own. This is a great way to gain some independence and make sure that when he does come around that it is for the right reasons, cause he wants to be with you and not just because he feels like he needs to be.

You can't turn a relationship into something that it isn't and if he truly isn't into it, then why waste your time?

Okay, I will elaborate.  We met June 14th for the first time. We met for drinks. Our second date we went out for dinner. Third date we went to a free outdoor concert. 4th date, we had an awesome movie night at my house. The next day we became exclusive. 5th date he took me out to lunch, a movie, a tour of his hometown, dinner, I saw his apartment. Our 6th date we hung out at my house. It was around this time that he told me he was very tight on money. If he goes out sometimes his friends buy him a drink. But he's really low on money. He even told me how he will go to his dad's house and raid his pantry for toilet paper and boxes of pasta. 

Our 7th date was at my house hanging out when we first had sex. Our 8th date was his birthday and I cooked him a nice dinner and we had sex, hangout.  Tonight is our 9th time. On days we don't see each other he calls me on the phone and we talk for at least an hour or more. He texts me hello every morning. Sometimes we have stuff to chat about, other days it's just a check in thing. I think this is pretty normal. 

He let me know that mid-september he will be doing way better with money. He's getting a big check bonus from work. He essentially told me there is light at the end of the tunnel from him being poor. 

I want to clarify. I did not suggest meeting his parents at all. He was the one who invited me to a weekend trip away with them and I was surprised he wanted me to meet them. I wasn't asking or even hinting at meeting his mother. He was the one always bringing up meeting his friends and his family. I was happy to meet them. But I was not pushing or asking about it. I only recently told my parents about him. 

I didn't suggest he meet my parents anytime soon. When I told him I told my parents about him he said- well we should have a dinner! 

I said sure and then said, no rush! 

I do think the money situation has really got him stuck at times. I do think it affects our relationship.  

Edited August 10, 2023 by amkxoxo

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

But he's really low on money. He even told me how he will go to his dad's house and raid his pantry for toilet paper and boxes of pasta. 

🤯 How did he get himself in this situation? Does he have a plan to get out of this?

[Kassieee]

Does he do drugs?

How often does he go to the clubs/ bars? 

I'm just wondering about his stomach issues, and him not being able to finish. Since it has been a reason why he bailed on you.

[Els]

3 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

Our 6th date we hung out at my house. It was around this time that he told me he was very tight on money. If he goes out sometimes his friends buy him a drink. But he's really low on money. He even told me how he will go to his dad's house and raid his pantry for toilet paper and boxes of pasta. 

He let me know that mid-septembe4 he will be doing way better with money. He's getting a big check bonus from work. He essentially told me there is light at the end of the tunnel from him being poor. 

Ooooof, okay. How old is this guy again?

I get that the current economic climate can be difficult. But honestly this feels a bit like a bait and switch. Firstly, it's his CHOICE to be going out on dates with women and dinners and drinks when he's actually so broke that he's getting TP from his dad - the sensible thing to do, if he was actually getting all that money in September, would be to just wait to date until September. And secondly, I'm not really that sure that things will be solved in September. The timing is very suspicious - he buys dinner a couple of times, you get exclusive, and only after exclusivity does he disclose his situation.... and conveniently, the situation will apparently end in 1 months' time, which is the length of time that most people tend to be willing to wait for...

What are you going to do if in September he says October, because the bonus got delayed, but surely he'll get it then? And then November, because the manager sent it through but there was an issue with the finance dept? And then he really really needs $500 from you because he's going to be homeless, or he could move in with you, after all you would've met his parents (if he gets his way with that)....

Okay, that's obviously all hypothetical and I might be getting a bit ahead of myself here. But honestly, this all just sounds kinda fishy to me. Please be careful, and do NOT loan him money or let him stay over.

[Alpacalia]

8 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

Okay, I will elaborate.  We met June 14th for the first time. We met for drinks. Our second date we went out for dinner. Third date we went to a free outdoor concert. 4th date, we had an awesome movie night at my house. The next day we became exclusive. 5th date he took me out to lunch, a movie, a tour of his hometown, dinner, I saw his apartment. Our 6th date we hung out at my house. It was around this time that he told me he was very tight on money. If he goes out sometimes his friends buy him a drink. But he's really low on money. He even told me how he will go to his dad's house and raid his pantry for toilet paper and boxes of pasta. 

Our 7th date was at my house hanging out when we first had sex. Our 8th date was his birthday and I cooked him a nice dinner and we had sex, hangout.  Tonight is our 9th time. On days we don't see each other he calls me on the phone and we talk for at least an hour or more. He texts me hello every morning. Sometimes we have stuff to chat about, other days it's just a check in thing. I think this is pretty normal. 

He let me know that mid-september he will be doing way better with money. He's getting a big check bonus from work. He essentially told me there is light at the end of the tunnel from him being poor. 

I want to clarify. I did not suggest meeting his parents at all. He was the one who invited me to a weekend trip away with them and I was surprised he wanted me to meet them. I wasn't asking or even hinting at meeting his mother. He was the one always bringing up meeting his friends and his family. I was happy to meet them. But I was not pushing or asking about it. I only recently told my parents about him. 

I didn't suggest he meet my parents anytime soon. When I told him I told my parents about him he said- well we should have a dinner! 

I said sure and then said, no rush! 

I do think the money situation has really got him stuck at times. I do think it affects our relationship.  

Edited 3 minutes ago by amkxoxo

Dial this back girl. You can't turn a hustling person into a finance guru overnight. You can't change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust your sails. But you do have to draw the line somewhere when it comes to disadvantaging yourself. You don't have to make a commitment to this guy until he proves to you that he can manage his money responsibly.

You're not sleeping with/dating with other people. That's all this is at this juncture. Don't make it more.

Rushing into something cliche' like meeting the parents, when his financial situation is totally unstable and he's not ready, is not a good sign. Don't pressure him. It doesn't make sense if you do.

The bottom line is you need to take your time and see how things go and if or how much he changes his money management habits. Don't make yourself believe you have to accept his current financial situation. No woman has to settle and accept a man who isn't yet at the same social level (to be honest). He has to prove he's responsible and wanting to progress.

[shellzbellz83]

I would not be talking marriage timelines with a man who cannot afford to wipe his own bottom.

[Versacehottie]

OP, if you have your eyes open, this guy is giving you insight into his behavior (best predictor of future behavior) and his character. While i don't think anything in relationships is a black and white thing, you've got to look toward how things "lean" or have a tendency to go...In your situation, as you describe it, trying to take just the facts we can count on (and less of the editorializing that might have to do with your insecurities or anxiety or rush to be in "something"), we have a guy who can't/won't cut back or eliminate for a month or two, his time with his friends (lol or his club membership) until his money rolls in. Thus, we can assume, he won't lose face with them and make a less than admirable impression on them (some of who know him already or have for a long time), yet has no problems making a less than favorable impression on you! Looks like in a (bad) way you've been admitted to his inner inner circle--like his parents or siblings perhaps. This is a guy old enough to be divorced who is stealing toilet paper from his dad and admitting it to you...while not cutting back on his nights out with his friends. Trust me, if I had to stoop so low that i was nicking toilet paper from my dad as a grown adult, I would have no problem cutting back or eliminating the cigars!!  I think psychologically he "let you in" on this information because you are already in the role where you will accept his problems and taking advantage of you--kind of like a mothering role. This is happening in part, IMO, because he knows that you want a relationship so much that he doesn't need to "do better" for you.

If i were to predict a future with this guy, I'd guess that he would and will take advantage of those close to him in his life where he thinks he can get away with it...Like a mooch. He knows his parents have unconditional love for him (most likely) and his already sort of put you in the same category.  I don't think that it's entirely his "fault" but it's a pattern I wouldn't want to sign up for. Like was said above, someone that wanted a girlfriend where he has to impress her and intends on doing exactly that would have waited until September to look for one. I think his behavior won't get much better--because that is the pattern between you two already. He's on the lazy side for sure. 

Here's a great question:: why did he get a divorce?

[MicheleT]

Just a couple of quick thoughts:

-OP: When he hanged out at your backyard, did he eat your food for dinner?

-Do you think he might have tried to pull the same stint on another woman when he kept rescheduling before you became exclusive?

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

4th date, we had an awesome movie night at my house.  Our 7th date was at my house hanging out when we first had sex. Our 8th date was his birthday and I cooked him a nice dinner and we had sex, hangout.  

If he's that broke it's no wonder he comes for free meals. You mentioned he cancelled about half the dates he "planned"?

[stillafool]

I bet his lack of money was one of the issues that lead to his ex breaking up with him. 

What is his plan to raise more money?  Does he have a 2nd job and a plan?

[basil67]

He can afford cigars but not toilet paper and food?   Sounds like a real keeper 😕

[stillafool]

How old is he?  

[amkxoxo]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

How old is he?  

29

[Alpacalia]

He's 29? Oh. He married young it sounds like if he divorced two years ago.

Edited August 11, 2023 by Alpacalia

[amkxoxo]

15 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

He's 29? Oh. He married young it sounds like if he divorced two years ago.

Yeah he said he was very lonely and all his friends were getting married. He rushed into it really fast. I think they got married within 6 months. He said after a year he was miserable and knew it wasn't working. He said he tried so hard to make it work, but he mentioned she cheated multiple times. 

[Alpacalia]

9 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

Yeah he said he was very lonely and all his friends were getting married. He rushed into it really fast. I think they got married within 6 months. He said after a year he was miserable and knew it wasn't working. He said he tried so hard to make it work, but he mentioned she cheated multiple times. 

Oh man. It makes complete sense now.

He was in a rush to find love and companionship without taking the time to get to know her better first. He is probably still feeling the repercussions of the past relationship and is on a trajectory of going out with his friends and his finances are a hot mess.

If she cheated on him multiple times and that is why the marriage ended, he is still trying to make sense of whether he can trust someone again to have a relationship with.

This doesn't really make him a "bad" guy, but more of a cautionary tale to remember to always take the time to get to know someone before being too committed to them.

You're probably the first relationship he's had since the split. He has one foot in and another out.

After someone is cheated on by someone they love, there is no one-size-fits-all approach to dealing with it. I know of a man who experienced this, and it affected him emotionally; upon entering a new relationship, he was unable to form a meaningful attachment to his partner because he assumed they, too, would cheat on him. However, not everyone carries that experience into new relationships; some individuals are able to divorce their previous experience and move on without any lingering emotions. It is impossible to determine how any given person will respond, but it is important to note that this is a common reality.

It is better to quit while you are still ahead than keep beating your head against the wall.

[amkxoxo]

31 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Oh man. It makes complete sense now.

He was in a rush to find love and companionship without taking the time to get to know her better first. He is probably still feeling the repercussions of the past relationship and is on a trajectory of going out with his friends and his finances are a hot mess.

If she cheated on him multiple times and that is why the marriage ended, he is still trying to make sense of whether he can trust someone again to have a relationship with.

This doesn't really make him a "bad" guy, but more of a cautionary tale to remember to always take the time to get to know someone before being too committed to them.

You're probably the first relationship he's had since the split. He has one foot in and another out.

After someone is cheated on by someone they love, there is no one-size-fits-all approach to dealing with it. I know of a man who experienced this, and it affected him emotionally; upon entering a new relationship, he was unable to form a meaningful attachment to his partner because he assumed they, too, would cheat on him. However, not everyone carries that experience into new relationships; some individuals are able to divorce their previous experience and move on without any lingering emotions. It is impossible to determine how any given person will respond, but it is important to note that this is a common reality.

It is better to quit while you are still ahead than keep beating your head against the wall.

He said he tried dating right away after his divorce and he rushed in. But he said he wasn't meeting the right women and then he realized he wasn't in the right mindset to date yet. He wasn't over things. He said he met two women, briefly dated and then he stopped dating. He took time to get over his divorce. And he told me he now feels secure and over things and ready for something serious again. 

[NuevoYorko]

Didn't you say his divorce was finalized in January of this year?

Regardless, he is not "ready" for a relationship now.   It doesn't matter if you are the "right" woman or not.  He is not functioning in any appropriate ways.