Navigating a new relationship

[amkxoxo]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Let him rest.  However you knew he would come up with something (tired,  ill, busy, etc,) to avoid seeing you and he doesn't want you to come over. He has his friends and family if he needs anything, but it's doubtful he's sick so perhaps let him rest.

I think he is. I called him and he sounded really sick. And normally he's texting me a lot. He keeps sleeping for hours then texting me every few hours. He's sick and tired. 

[glows]

Just postpone for 2-3 weeks later. If you suspected he had Covid it makes no sense to suggest meeting the next day. I understand this is a new romance and you miss one another but please be a bit more pragmatic. I think it’s bizarre that he’s ok getting you sick. This, in my mind, is not a sign of love or caring.

[Alpacalia]

Hmm. When I was in a new dating relationship, I had gotten really sick. Being sick can be a trying and difficult time for anyone and when you're in a new relationship it can be especially hard. It would have been comforting to feel like he was there for me and that I could look to him for support. I suppose he didn't want to bother me while I was sick. At least that's what I thought at the time.

Just let him get on with it. I know you want to spend time with him but if he has Covid, then it's best to be prudent and keep your distance. There are other ways you can show him that you care. Honestly though, with his cancellations and sickness you don't have to feel guilty. You can continue to show him support and kindness, even from a distance.

Edited August 20, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Els]

3 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

Well then he contacts me saying he feels ill. That threw a wrench into things. I really wanted to see him and was planning on seeing him that night. 

I don't get it. You already know from his track history that he was never going to show up. Why do you keep doing this to yourself?

Yes, people do get sick and that's not their fault, but if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck (i.e. by cancelling 50% of your previous dates over the span of 2 months), it probably is a duck.

Edited August 20, 2023 by Els

[BrinnM]

3 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

I've never had a sick boyfriend before. 
 

Really? How old are you?

 

I'm trying to be a good girlfriend.

He told me I'm so nice. For offering to bring him things. 

How do I deal with this? 

You do nothing. You’ve been together 2 months. 2 months!!
You are not responsible for making him feel better, especially when he’s so flaky ….. come over, don’t come over, maybe come over, I’m I’ll, I’m not I’ll, Jesus. You have the patience of a saint, OP. This is nuts. His flakiness combined with your extreme overthinking will make you ill one day, if you don’t get it under control.

You do this:

Tell him to take a Covid test, and then inform him that you’re leaving him alone until he feels better and/or until he needs something specific (eg medicine) at a specific time, provided that other people can’t get it for him, ie his parents or friends. He seems to have a lot of them, so that shouldn’t be an issue. 
 

He should reach out and make plans as soon as he feels better. You’re not his nurse. 

[Versacehottie]

3 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

He told me I'm so nice. For offering to bring him things. 

How do I deal with this? 

I'm 50/50 on believing it's even true..maybe even higher if I'm being honest that I think he's lying. The fact that he was being so nice after you "let him off the hook" is straight out of the cheaters/liars/stringers along/users playbook. You have to stop taking the WORDS at face value and look at the actions. He planted a seed, watered it and when you plucked it, he was relieved. Not only is this from the playbook from users etc, it's from the playbook of anyone who wants to get out of something!! Just in context, he's likely in the users/stringer alongers category. Could he have COVID or be legitimately sick, sure...But chances are equal (or higher) given his track record that he is just blowing you off.

Um to the bolded, WTH, girl!!!???? You at first said you wanted to avoid covid as if you believe him and to prevent yourself from getting sick and are simultaneously or shortly thereafter believing his excuse and offering to bring him stuff. This is not the way to go. He doesn't have that sort of trust built up with you yet to even warrant this. You are not acting like someone who is self-respecting and it's probably going to cost you in relationships.  My money is on the fact that this guy is going to keep stringing you along and rarely make good on his promises unless you are doing the majority of the work, and willing to do whatever on the cheap/low effort.

How you deal with it: is stop doing this. 

[introverted1]

I guess I should have read OP's history before posting my initial response.

4 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

I offer to bring him items like juice and medicines. He says maybe. But I don't want to go near him and get covid.

Huh???

Why would you offer to bring him things if you "don't want to go near him"?

4 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

I offer to bring him items like juice and medicines. He says maybe. But I don't want to go near him and get covid. I think he'd be fine seeing me and giving it to me.  He wants comfort and to see me. 

If you truly believe he'd be fine giving you covid (or whatever he has), why would you want to be in a relationship with someone like that?  When we care about others, that extends to caring about their health and well-being; we don't take actions to deliberately put them in harm's way.

Also, why do you think he said "maybe" if his intent is to see you and give you covid?  Are you sure he was expressing a desire for action as opposed to expressing what he hoped would be able to happen on his return?

4 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

He told me I'm so nice. For offering to bring him things. 

How do I deal with this? 

How do you deal with what? Telling you that you're nice is just something to say, especially when someone offers to do something like bring a sick and likely contagious person medicine. There's nothing to "deal with" here. Let him rest up and get better and, if you are both so inclined, you can see each other when he's well.  

 

Edited August 20, 2023 by introverted1
punctuation

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

 I'm thinking he may have covid from his trip..  I'm pretty sure he has covid now for sure. He has all the symptoms. 

You can't diagnose covid on the phone.  He has friends, family, there's clinics, hospitals and pharmacies everywhere.  Please accept he doesn't want to see you and doesn't want to come over. 

[Kassieee]

6 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

So things have changed quite quickly. 

1. I want to confirm that he was not saying he was going to be too tired or that he had to do laundry etc. 

I was assuming this myself. 

2. 

Well then he contacts me saying he feels ill. That threw a wrench into things. I really wanted to see him and was planning on seeing him that night. 

So now I'm thinking he may have covid from his trip. He keeps insisting he doesn't have it. So I tell him, that maybe he should rest when he returns and that I'll see him the next day when he feels better. Making sure the sickness passes. So I don't get it. 

He starts saying all this stuff trying to persuade me to see him. Saying- Oh well I was hoping you'd cuddle with me. 

I feel guilty. That maybe I should be comforting him, there for him as his girlfriend. 

Then he starts telling me how he feels fine and he's much better. He was attributing it to the travel changes. Then I feel bad. He's saying he's all better after resting. I feel guilty for not seeing him. I drive myself crazy. Do I see him? Do I not see him? 

But I decide to let him go home and rest. 

I feel like I let him down. 

I fall asleep around midnight and he calls me but I don't answer. 

I contact him the next day. Excited to see him. 

So we settle on the next day. Now it's today. He's still very sick. I'm pretty sure he has covid now for sure. He has all the symptoms. 

I offer to bring him items like juice and medicines. He says maybe. But I don't want to go near him and get covid. I think he'd be fine seeing me and giving it to me.  He wants comfort and to see me. 

I've never had a sick boyfriend before. 

I'm trying to be a good girlfriend.

He told me I'm so nice. For offering to bring him things. 

How do I deal with this? 

 You made up your mind that you won't break up with him, no matter how flakey he seems to others.

 

Why don't you do something different .... and take the wheel? honestly. If you want to make a sick kit basket for him... Do it? You don't have to stay there and get sick if it makes you uncomfortable. Making a sick kit for him is sweet and comforting in itself.

 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

Unfortunately, you're stuck in a push-pull relationship with this man. He wants to see you and expresses his desire to do so, but then when it comes time to taking action he starts to hesitate and move away from what he said he wanted.

This is highly manipulative, in particular, the way he sounds almost desperate for you to see him, and yet when you suggest other alternatives, he dismisses them. I know you want to give him the support and love he clearly desires, but unfortunately, the best way to do that is to put your foot down and not enable his behavior.

This really isn't a joke, it's actually kind of concerning.

He has cancelled on you so many times and appears to become demanding when he doesn't get his way and everything seems to be on his terms only.

Please get your head out of the clouds and start looking out for yourself.

Edited August 21, 2023 by Alpacalia

[basil67]

Yes, he might sound sick.  But it's not hard to fake sounding sick.....just ask all those who fake an illness so they can get a day off work.

Given his track record, you have no reason to believe him.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

I offer to bring him items like juice and medicines. He says maybe. 

If he's not feeling well try to let him rest. You have no idea whether he has Covid or not. He says he doesn't. If he wants to find out he easily can. He doesn't want goodie baskets if you tell him you want to come over and his response is "maybe".

Please don't invite yourself over and smother. He didn't invite you and sort of turned down your offer.

It's understandable you missed him and wished he got off the plane ran over and kept you company. Perhaps telling friends he's dying to see you but got Covid on his cruise is more palatable than he was simply exhausted and busy and could wait.

Unfortunately he was already alluding to "being tired" to avoid coming over. 

[JTSW]

OP, you are making so much drama over such trivial things.

He wanted to see you when he got home but wasn't considering how much being on a 3 hour plus flight can actually wipe you out.

I'm guessing that he feels sick both from flying and likely drinking allot while on vacation.

Why offer to bring him things then say you don't want to be near him?

You're throwing all kinds of mixed signals at him so it's no wonder he backs off.

You need to have a nice talk with him about your relationship because it sounds like you both don't know if you're coming or going.

Neither of you can be straight with each other.

You just play guessing games with each other.

Neither of you are actually listening to each other.

Edited August 21, 2023 by JTSW

[amkxoxo]

I think we are struggling with communication. 

I'm not used to sharing everything with someone.  My plans, my thoughts, how I feel physically. I'm just not used to sharing that. 

I feel like I'm failing in the communication department and I want to try to do better. 

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, amkxoxo said:

I think we are struggling with communication. 

I'm not used to sharing everything with someone.  My plans, my thoughts, how I feel physically. I'm just not used to sharing that. 

I feel like I'm failing in the communication department and I want to try to do better. 

Huh?  I'm lost at how that is your take away from what went on with him returning from his trip and being "sick"...or the rest of what has gone on with you two. To be fair, most couples can always improve their communication...so it's likely something that could be improved on with you guys especially since you are brand new.  However, as an outsider that's not the main issue right now with all due respect. Above ^^^^ you are effectively blaming yourself because you didn't get the outcome you wanted in seeing him. How does this make sense? If we are to believe your OP, he was dying to see you, would have no issues after the returning home, then had issues, ie being sick and conveyed that to you. If we are to believe you, you were up for seeing him, then not because you didn't want to get sick, then wanted to do some things for him and possibly still go over to help him with his sickness.  Those are facts as you state them.  

What your post summarizing the "issue" yesterday tells me is that you can't seem to separate getting the outcome you want, ie seeing him from extenuating circumstance, ie where the outcome you want just wouldn't be possible under outside circumstances outside of your control and your solution is to try to do MORE or blame yourself. That mirrors what many of us have been noticing all along...It's not a "struggle for communication"---it's ONE-SIDED, you have weak, boundaries and weak self-esteem. You are not "qualifying" him in virtually any way and or having standards to allow him in your life. And once you have a hold on "something" with him, your solution is to try to do MORE rather than balance things out and/or see if this guy is worthy to be in your life. THIS is your main problem IMO. 

Listen, if he is a liar, user, not that into you, stringing you along, figuring how into he is, seeing someone else, more into his friends, less into you as you are into him, that will come out in time... Actually some of those you would have figured out already if you are applying your own personal standards to how you let him into your life and how fast and whether you are all in from the jump or roll out over time based on trust that is built and a progressing relationship. To me, this guy feels like an opportunist...perhaps a manipulator. Combined with how you are behaving with him, I don't think you will get what you want with him. I'd almost predict that he will continue to string you along and you will naturally try to do more, and more (or "communicate better" in order to be the FIXER. When honestly he needs to be fixing things. OR maybe he just isn't worthy of you at this stage in his life or just at all.  Idk, IMO you should think about these things and work on your self esteem and boundaries. Communication is secondary because unless you improve how you feel inside and your boundaries, you will just be better at communicating that you have NO boundaries and you are a doormat. 

Edited August 21, 2023 by Versacehottie

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, amkxoxo said:

I think we are struggling with communication.

Has he contacted you? Is he still not feeling well? The communication struggle seems to be him saying "maybe" and you hearing " definitely a plan set in stone". 

You seem to communicate your thoughts, feelings, and plans quite a bit to him without hesitation.

For example asking him to come over after his flight or the next day. Or inviting yourself over to nurse him or telling him you think he has Covid. 

However he seems to use vagueness as a form of diplomacy to say "no". Because you do tend to do the initiating and tend to accelerate the dating situation.

You shouldn't have to, but this man is sort of into party hardy and not putting you or dating first. Where it almost seems like your entire world revolves around him.

Edited August 21, 2023 by Wiseman2

[NuevoYorko]

Communication issue?  No.  He doesn't want to see you. He generally doesn't want to if he has anything else going on.  We all know this and you more than anyone. How would more talking / "sharing" influence this?  

Now he is tired.  Maybe he's legitimately sick.  Regardless, he doesn't want to see you.  More / better communication won't change it.  He's obviously been very clear or you'd be over there in a millisecond.  

I think it's established that no amount of disinterest this guy displays towards you will stop your  chasing, so I think that's a given.  But at least will you consider doing some activities or nurturing your friendships, if you have some?   

Until he meets someone he is excited about (I'm really sorry to be harsh but it's the truth) I do think you can count on him coming over when he's bored to sit around on your couch and maybe eat food from time to time, and liberal texting.  He'll be back.   But that's not really enough to devote your entire life to 

 

[stillafool]

He doesn't even seem that keen about having sex with you.  How old is he?

[Kassieee]

2 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

I think we are struggling with communication. 

I'm not used to sharing everything with someone.  My plans, my thoughts, how I feel physically. I'm just not used to sharing that. 

I feel like I'm failing in the communication department and I want to try to do better. 

You over complicate what he says.

He tells to come over, that's still not direct enough for you.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

I feel like I'm failing in the communication department and I want to try to do better. 

Eh?

How have you turned this into a problem with your communication? What is the update with him? 

[JTSW]

2 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

I think we are struggling with communication. 

I would say so.

Neither of you can make a straight communicative decision about anything.

[Alpacalia]

You don't work on communication with someone that you've been dating for 1.5-2 months.

You work on your self-respect with someone that is keeping you at bay because you're over accommodating and he is manipulating the situation to his favor. Each time he has cancelled on you, you forgiveness and approval which is most likely the cause for him continuing to cancel.

Do you honestly think if he cared about you, he would keep cancelling on you? Do you honestly think that he would want to risk losing you? Most likely not, so it is time for you to start taking back your power.

Learning the art of communication is for relationships and friendships that already exist and need to be broken down further. In a situation such as yours, you need to first focus on your self-respect.

Respect yourself enough to start setting boundaries with this guy. Since you're not choosing to walk, reach out to him only when you are genuinely interested in seeing him and be prepared to answer with grace if he cancels, but also state your disappointment as to why it isn't able to happen. This will communicate to him that you won't continue to tolerate his behavior. You can also make sure to limit your contact with him to a reasonable degree. Do not check in on him often or message him when it is unnecessary. This will help him understand that your relationship is not one sided and that it is not just about him getting his own way. Finally, don't let your feelings define you.

It's easy to get caught up in a relationship when you feel like you're in love, but don't let your feelings dictate your actions. Respect yourself enough to make sure you are getting in return what you are giving to him.

I honestly don't see this relationship going anywhere else without some effort on his part. But before it continues, you have to take the time to assess what sort of dynamic he is bringing to the table and up-level your own boundaries and expectations.

[Els]

2 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

I think we are struggling with communication. 

I'm not used to sharing everything with someone.  My plans, my thoughts, how I feel physically. I'm just not used to sharing that. 

I feel like I'm failing in the communication department and I want to try to do better. 

I'm impressed that people here are still trying to communicate their advice to you, considering that this is apparently what you got out of it. Props to them, but I'm out, lol.

[shellzbellz83]

So much angst and anxiety over a man who can't afford toilet paper and doesn't shower before lying down with you. I am truly baffled.

[basil67]

@amkxoxo have you ever been in a good relationship?  One where you the guy is reliable.....and you feel heard, appreciated and valued?    

I can't help wondering if you've never known anything other than dysfunction