Navigating a new relationship

[Gaeta]

11 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

and I'll be left blindsided

We in LS have been telling you since August 9th that this man is not relationship material. Have you retained any of what we've been telling you for the past 2 months?

[amkxoxo]

He said one of the reasons his wife left him was because she said he was a pig. 

I can see that. He leaves snack wrappers and empty soda cans all around his apartment. Eats a lot of bad food. Mozzarella sticks, gummy bears, soda, dominoes pizza, take out food. I do also see him drink water, sandwiches, yogurt. So not completely bad. He doesn't scoop the cat box every day so there's poop all in it. His cats and dog are eating out of plastic Tupperware containers. I convinced him to get real pet food bowls. 

His trash is always overflowing and gross. I don't see why he doesn't just take it out every few days. 

I'm not perfect, but I do try to eat complete dinners, chicken, vegetables, potato. He said his ex-wife cooked dinners like that for him. My house is clean, and trash free. 

My pets are very well taken care of. 

[Weezy1973]

55 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

He told me he has ED issues and has since he was a teen. Was even on pills for it. He said his brothers have it too. He said he's had girlfriends cry thinking it was them, but he assured me it was him. 

Actions speak louder than words. If he was pursuing you sexually and wanting to have sex but just couldn’t get it up, then I would agree with you. But he doesn’t even seem to desire you in the first place. Maybe he watches too much porn? 
 

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

He said one of the reasons his wife left him was because she said he was a pig. 

It seems like you know what you're getting into. 

[shellzbellz83]

I personally think you'd be able to convince yourself you love any man who was willing to be in a "relationship" with you. If nothing else, reconsider taking on the role of mothering a grown man. If he can't keep himself fed, his place clean, his work obligations handled and his pets cared for without you, those are huge red flags you'd be silly to ignore -- unless you want to spend the rest of your life cleaning up behind another adult just to say you have a partner.

[Versacehottie]

i believe I've said this to you before: that you (desperately!) need to work on your self-esteem.

Surprise! And now here we are...Deep down, you probably imagined that having a boyfriend would fulfill you and give you value. After a touch of the newness wore off, all it has done is reflect the emptiness you feel about yourself back to you. 

While it's sort of a common enough problem you are still dealing with it as an individual as everyone who experiences it does. Even how you are "approaching" the take today scenario, the focus is put on him/your relationship/you relative to the relationship as a way/hope to get your value. It will never be enough bc you don't feel like enough.  You cannot find the totality of your value in another person. You have to be able to access it on your own. I think I told you to work on self-esteem over 2 years ago. A boyfriend is just a bandaid to this basic problem.

Edited September 25, 2023 by Versacehottie

[BettyDraper]

19 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

Been with my boyfriend now for three months. We've recently met each other's families and we even went on a weekend trip away with his mom and he told me he loves me. I told him I love him too. 

The trip brought us close together and I felt the love just bursting from my heart, as cheesy as that sounds. I've never felt this way about anyone ever. This is truly love. 

Since then, I feel like I've gotten really insecure and scared. 

I've now been spending time at his place, overnight and stuff. I love it. But I keep getting awkward, quiet, not sure what to say and do. 

I feel like I've lost my confidence in being my genuine self and saying what I want and like. I am constantly saying whatever you want, whatever you need, whatever works for you. I'm such a pushover. I'm too sweet and kind. 

I keep apologizing for things. I'm sorry I tapped your leg in bed, sorry I was in the bathroom too long, sorry I want more milk in my coffee. 

He says I'm too much of a worry wart and high strung, that I need to chill more. I agree. He says he can tell I was just raised that way. I was. 

It just comes out like word vomit, the i'm sorry. I love him. I'm so afraid of messing up. I'm insecure and self conscious. He literally now pees with the door open. He's so funny and doesn't care.  

I don't know if this is normal or how relationships should be. I'm afraid he'll leave me for being too boring, for having some extra weight on my thighs, for eating too much or too little, for not being fun enough or quirky enough. 

But literally take today. He woke up at 4am to play video games. I remember waking up as he slid out of bed and felt him kissing my head sweetly a few times. I slept until 6am. He made me some coffee.  I laid in bed, watched TV by myself,  while he played some more. Then he made us breakfast. We cleaned his apartment. Then we attempted sex, but he had ED issues. Then we sat around watching a movie. But he wasn't cuddly and basically ignored me. I felt so unloved. I asked him if he was okay many times. He said yes, and said he was tired and just energy-less. He made us lunch. I talked to him here and there. We watched two movies, then I went home. We did make plans for this upcoming week. 

I've turned into this helpful mom figure. Helping him re-arrange his apartment,  shopping at Walmart with him, studying for tests, and caring for his pets with him. 

He says he loves me, but then sometimes I don't feel it. He says it isn't me that he's just tired sometimes or preoccupied. 

We don't have sex a lot. He has some ED issues. We've had amazing sex before,  but then like the other day he couldn't keep it up. I cuddled him but backed off. It wasn't reciprocated. He just isn't that way. I am. He says he likes that I am. But I feel inadequate. We haven't had sex in two weeks. Life got in the way, but also he'll just feel too full from food or too tired. 

I like that connection together. I like sex. He claims he does, but he doesn't want to have it as much as me. I'm horny. 

When we hangout, I always feel like then after I am waiting for him to see me again. I'll ask plans and he'll say no. But he makes plans with me on his timeline. 

He is giving, always buying me dinner, and stuff when we go out. He's a gentleman that way. 

If we hangout and say goodbye, I'll literally get so insecure until we make plans again. And I'm dying to see him again. 

He says he loves where our relationship is at. Us seeing each other a few times a week and dating. We have talked about a future together. He says he has thought about it and maybe in a year we move in together. He talks about us combining our pets. 

But says he isn't ready or wanting that right now. I'm not either. He is divorced and he said living together is a lot of pressure. You can't escape the person and share space. 

I get that. I've never lived with anyone before. 

I love this man. Maybe this is just normal relationship stuff. I see a future with him. Sometimes I can't gauge him and his behavior. I think it might not be me at all, just him. 

I've never been in a relationship like this before. 

Guys I dated in the past never wanted me to leave and they wanted to see me a ton. We cuddled a ton. He told me early on that he isn't a huge PDA and cuddly guy. We do cuddle in bed and he'll hold me and stuff. It's not like we don't. 

But it's just a different relationship. 

What do you all think and do you have any advice for me? 

 

I'm not sure why you're so in love with this man. He acts like a child. Getting up early to play video games? Living like a pig? Yuck. Such things would turn me off. 

A lot of men remain perpetual children because their mothers did everything for them. 

If you're an affectionate person then you will ultimately be unhappy with a man who isn't the same way. He likes that you are affectionate because he is benefiting from it.

He also loves having you come over because he's getting everything he wants without even having to hold you. 

He doesn't want a future with you. If he did, he wouldn't say that he "maybe" wants to move in with you. Men who want a future with a woman are much more intentional. 

He pays for dinner? So what? Lots of men will pay for your dinner, act like adults, make passionate love to you, and hold you all the time. 

Sex is clearly important to you. How can you be happy with a man who can't get it up? Sex is important to me too. After my former marriage became sexless, I promised myself that I would not stay in a relationship with bad sex. Before I met my fiance, I left a man who only lasted for two minutes in bed. He also didn't do enough foreplay even though I asked and he incessantly asked for reassurance that his dick was big enough. No thanks.

I also stopped seeing a man who was too shy to even talk about sex and shamed me for wanting sex. This was after 6 dates and asking me to be his girlfriend. He also said he had "cold feet" the day after he asked me to be his girlfriend. I wished him luck and walked away. I just don't have time for sexual problems anymore. I dealt with bad sex for 8 years in my former marriage and I'm not putting myself through that again. 

You may want to consider walking away and finding someone more compatible. Ask yourself why you love someone who can't even be bothered to hold you or pick up his garbage.