Navigating a new relationship

[Alpacalia]

33 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

He said he tried dating right away after his divorce and he rushed in. But he said he wasn't meeting the right women and then he realized he wasn't in the right mindset to date yet. He wasn't over things. He said he met two women, briefly dated and then he stopped dating. He took time to get over his divorce. And he told me he now feels secure and over things and ready for something serious again. 

So what do you want to do amkxoxo? How to navigate a guy that is not over his divorce and ready for something serious?

I recall when my engagement ended, I acted a bit like this guy, albeit, I didn't routinely cancel plans. But I was more focused on figuring out how to become single again without having to process the pain of my previous relationship.

[Acacia98]

On 8/9/2023 at 9:58 PM, amkxoxo said:

He was supposed to sleep over my house one night. I was so excited. But he bailed and went home saying his stomach hurt. 

It sounds like he's pressuring himself (and you by extension) to do too much too soon. In my opinion, going on a weekend trip with his family soon is a bit much. You haven't even met them. Wouldn't it make more sense for you to meet them in a low-stakes situation and get comfortable with each other first? And wouldn't it make more sense for that low-stakes meeting to happen down the road, when your relationship was more established?

Telling you that he brags about you to everyone could be sweet. But it could also put pressure on you to live up to whatever idealized image of you he has presented to the people in his life.

You guys are still young in your relationship: There seem to be issues in the intimacy department (which could be an indication that he's anxious and was not yet truly ready for physical intimacy), and you haven't met his friends either. There's no rush. Or at least there should be no rush, especially if this guy is recently divorced.

His bailing out on you to work on a project with his friend could be a one-time necessity or it could be the beginning of a pattern of flakiness/bad planning. So I'd say you should forgive him this time. If it happens again and again, then you have cause for concern.

Overall, I'd say it's in your best interest to play a more active role in setting the pace for this relationship. Don't leave it in his hands. Things need to slow way down.

[Versacehottie]

2 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

He said he tried dating right away after his divorce and he rushed in. But he said he wasn't meeting the right women and then he realized he wasn't in the right mindset to date yet. He wasn't over things. He said he met two women, briefly dated and then he stopped dating. He took time to get over his divorce. And he told me he now feels secure and over things and ready for something serious again. 

He's still "rushing" though...just in a different way to how you are interpreting it. 6 months to marriage is a rush as well as exclusive on by date 4 when there wasn't much behind the reason to be exclusive at that point in reality (and more than likely he wasn't/isn't truly ready or in a position to date).  So essentially he is operating in the same manner as to when he rushed it before.

What is the rush on your end? I mean, i think in a budding relationship when one partner is slightly unstable but you feel like there could be some good there, it's up to the other person to act in a way that would preserve the longevity of the relationship and to get things set up for success. In other words, you don't just blindly follow the lead of the most unstable person of the pair! If you feel like truly "good" could potentially be there within him and what you can have together, then you have to manage the pace and the patterns so things have a chance in the future. That can look the opposite of what you are doing...You slow down, you advocate for patterns, ie real dates, etc that will sustain the relationship for the long term and give you the successful building blocks and bonds and honesty of a good relationship.

Not only all of that, you don't just do it for him/the potential of the relationship, you do it because no one in this world is going to be the best advocate for you but yourself. So you advocate for what you want and need in a relationship with the longer term in mind, which can mean going slower in the beginning. You have nothing to lose except figuring out who he is & how he will treat you. You may like what you find, you may not. Speeding up or burying you head in the sand while he does immature relationship things is not the way to figure this out.

Personally, I find a guy who acted impulsively getting married too young, poor decision, getting back into dating immediately, then realizing that was a mistake, has a litany of red flags at the moment to be sort of on thin ice overall and another good reason for you to slow down and observe. If him asking you to be exclusive had ANY real merit to it, this shouldn't phase him...at all. If he was unconsciously or consciously insincere or rushing in for his insecurity reasons, his financial reasons, whatever, then he will probably throw a version of an adult tantrum or may become uninterested--which is just the true and honest way that he feels without the surrounding excess. You can't be scared to pull back and see what happens. 

Edited August 11, 2023 by Versacehottie

[JTSW]

14 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

I do think it affects our relationship.  

Why?

Because he can't always spoil you?

Is that your issue? 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

Yeah he said he was very lonely and all his friends were getting married. 

Unfortunately none of this matters. He doesn't seem to want to be tied down at this time or tried down to you. 

Most of his socializing is with friends and he only comes over when you offer free meals.

The rest of the time he's cancelling your dates or simply not asking you out with the excuse that he's too broke. However he has plenty of funds for partying, clubbing, drinking, smoking and vacations and outings without you.

These are the important factors. How he treats you not whether you can calculate his marriagabilty. 

[Alpacalia]

Part of my feels that you're both trying to cram seeing each other into a short amount of time for the short amount of time that you've been dating and he cancels because he's trying to dial it back but has a poor way of communicating it to you. That, or he's just not interested and is backing out of seeing you.

You're talking about seeing each other three times (I think that's what was mentioned) during the week and that's a lot of back and forth especially when you haven't been dating long. He may not be up to the pace you two have been setting and he's trying to dial it back a bit.

I'm not saying you should settle for anything less than what you're comfortable with, but if you've been dating 1.5 months of dating I would have limit it to seeing each other once a week.

Right now you're losing yourself in this relationship and that's dangerous. You are capable of living a dating life where you can choose if and when to see him and don't have to give up your own social and work schedule to do so. Give yourself permission to feel, don't give up your life for this man, or anyone else for that matter. 

[stillafool]

Start telling this guy you don't want to sit at home and don't invite him over.  Tell him you want to go somewhere.  Stop feeding him.

[Gaeta]

29 yo and tired with stomach pain?..it doesn't look good for your future.

I have to ask - what attracts you at all in this man? He's broke, sick, cancels most of the time on you, favors his friends over you, i'm sure l'm missing more.

Now that l know his age l don't buy he wants to stay in your backyard because he's tired. It's an excuse to not take you out on those numerous free dates l've listed to you several times now.

About the stomach pain, you said his doctor is investigating it, that usually means they have not found the usual causes like ulcers Or reflux. Which would be rare on a 29 yo. Could be anxiety though BUT l think it's an excuse to go home and not stay the night.

[amkxoxo]

I hung out with him today. We initially sat out in the sun and talked and enjoyed a cold drink. We did this for about an hour. Then we ran to the mall and he had me help him pick out some clothes for his trip. It was actually fun and he really wanted my input. Then we were starving so he took me for lunch. 

 

Then we went back to my place. We cuddled up for a little, we fell asleep. He initially said he didn't want to get intimate, because he felt dirty and hadn't showered today, only yesterday. I was looking forward to being intimate. Then he said he also didn't want to just have sex and leave right after because he felt that was disrespectful to me. I can appreciate that. So we cuddled up for an hour, fell asleep, then he left to hangout with his guy friends. 

 

He told me a bit more about his past relationships. 

 

So he was in a 6 year serious relationship well into his 20s. They broke up and he said he was lost, lonely, rebounding, so he quickly met a girl, and they got married after a month. His now ex-wife. 

 

He said he quickly realized that he hadn't gotten over his ex, and he started texting her, but not inappropriately and never met up with her. He was trying to make his new marriage work too, but the girl he married wasn't classy or what he thought. She was off meeting other guys and sleeping with them. He said it was a mess. He's glad he got divorced. 

 

He's gone out with a few women here and there, but he does feel over his past and said he feels ready for a new serious relationship.  

 

He said how we can do some good things when he comes back from his trip. Go to the movies, a nice dinner. We'll see if it happens. 

 

I like him and I do think we make a nice couple, but I want more. I want more affection, more clear time, more prioritization, more dedication. Like I mentioned today how we should replace the camping trip with something else. He said sure and asked what I wanted. We were a bit distracted in the store, but I was trying to tell him how we could go to this place that I love and stay a night in a cabin and stuff. I didn't feel like he was paying attention or cared. I don't need expensive, but I want someone who wants to do things with me. 

[Gaeta]

9 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

He initially said he didn't want to get intimate, because he felt dirty and hadn't showered today, only yesterday

I'm sure you have a nice shower in your home. 

Than that excuse became another excuse that he didn't want to be intimate and leave, but he always leaves right?  Am l right that he never spent the night with you?

Interesting that he heads to your place to enjoy part of the day but he does not shower first...we mentionned a couple of times he was lasy but this is real laziness.

You will not find everything you want and need in this man. You have to make better choice for yourself.  This is someone you've known 6 weeks, let him go. 

Edited August 11, 2023 by Gaeta

[glows]

I’m hoping this is the tp and pasta raider. Reading a few threads today. I don’t think you’re compatible, OP. It is still early days at 6 weeks but I don’t think you’re really bonding or connecting that well. When you say you make a nice couple, how do you mean? Interested in hearing more on that.

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

. I didn't feel like he was paying attention or cared.

Unfortunately he doesn't. He was preoccupied with going out partying tonight with friends and his vacation with his family.  He got his errands done and ran.

He may take showers before he goes out with friends to impress the ladies. He'll also be wearing the clothes he spent your time shopping for to impress the ladies on his vacation. 

[shellzbellz83]

100% chance he showers before he spends his Friday night with his friends and whomever else. OP, why are you settling for this??

[amkxoxo]

28 minutes ago, shellzbellz83 said:

100% chance he showers before he spends his Friday night with his friends and whomever else. OP, why are you settling for this??

He said he was going to shower and wear one of the new outfits

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

He said he was going to shower and wear one of the new outfits

So you spent your afternoon shopping with him so he can go partying? Unfortunately the more you describe, the more it seems you're in the friendzone and he's out cruising for women. 

[Gaeta]

14 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

He said he was going to shower and wear one of the new outfits

So he showers for his friends but not for you. 

[Versacehottie]

I'm sorry but he's acting like a mooch or like you're his mom or something unromantic like that. So this guy with no money is putting you on ice until September while he finds time, money and effort for all the other things, including a vacation??? While he steals toilet paper from his dad and comes to your house sweaty so you can take him shopping before he leaves on his trip? Shopping with what money? And what sort of "cold drink"...lol sorry I'm being super suspicious...I defintiely don't think drinking in general is bad but you being taken for granted so he can have a beer with you in your backyard while he AGAIN has made so little effort that he's not even showered and has you doing an errand with him...IDK it's just inconsiderate IMO..  Shows the reason this type of guy wants to skip to "exclusive" is so he doesn't have to court you and prove that he's worthy of being in your life and world.

My head is still reeling with the fact that he rebounded within a month to marriage. I have no idea if he's ready or not with you. His actions say meh....I wouldn't full trust someone who has shown such poor judgment in the past...you need your own evidence over time. Honestly though IMO the patterns between you guys aren't great already and those are tough if not impossible to change. 

Edited August 11, 2023 by Versacehottie

[MicheleT]

Okay, I have to ask:

Did you drive him to the mall in your car?  I hate to say this, but the dude is shamelessly treating you like a food pantry and a free uber!

I hope you’re not equating running errands for him to a date! 

[amkxoxo]

2 hours ago, MicheleT said:

Okay, I have to ask:

Did you drive him to the mall in your car?  I hate to say this, but the dude is shamelessly treating you like a food pantry and a free uber!

I hope you’re not equating running errands for him to a date! 

No he always drives me and always buys lunch or dinner. 

[Kassieee]

Have you ever tried setting up a date?

See how it goes.

[JTSW]

13 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

I want more. I want more affection, more clear time, more prioritization, more dedication.

Any more and that will be ALL his time with you.

You're far too early in the relationship to making these kinds of demands.

[amkxoxo]

2 hours ago, JTSW said:

Any more and that will be ALL his time with you.

You're far too early in the relationship to making these kinds of demands.

So I should just step back and not expect more than what I'm getting? 

[Alpacalia]

17 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

So he was in a 6 year serious relationship well into his 20s. They broke up and he said he was lost, lonely, rebounding, so he quickly met a girl, and they got married after a month. His now ex-wife. 

 

He said he quickly realized that he hadn't gotten over his ex, and he started texting her, but not inappropriately and never met up with her. He was trying to make his new marriage work too, but the girl he married wasn't classy or what he thought. She was off meeting other guys and sleeping with them. He said it was a mess. He's glad he got divorced. 

He has been in a relationship for the majority of his 20s.

He goes from a six year relationship to married after a month. The writing is on the wall- it was not going to be successful.

I guarantee you he is not looking to make the same mistake again. Unfortunately, you're the first woman that he is meeting after being married for a short time especially after being cheated on!

C'mon OP, you can't expect someone like him to be trusting and ready for a relationship right away. But you also can't be there just because he's damaged (I hate using that term to describe someone but it is what it is).

After my engagement ended, I didn't date seriously for 3-4 years.

Dude needs to find himself again. 

Edited August 12, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Gaeta]

33 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

So I should just step back and not expect more than what I'm getting? 

You should move on to find a man that got his life on track, a man that actually wants to be in a relationship and is on his best behavior. 

A man that showers for you, that buys new clothes to impress *you*, a man that says -sorry guys tonight is my night with my lady-, a man that stays over night, a man that respects your time and don't cancel on you every other time, a man that spends his money on groceries instead of cigars.

You can do much better than this man! Your heart is ready to love l know but don't go give to any dysfunctional joe blow crossing your path. 

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, amkxoxo said:

So I should just step back and not expect more than what I'm getting? 

YES you should step WAY back.

And yes, you should not expect more from this guy than what you're getting.  Why would you?  He's demonstrating every day what he has to offer you.  Girl, this is it.  

Your over the top chasing is not doing you any favors because never once, so far, have you given yourself a chance to see what this guy will do to make sure he's going to be with you.  He has no space to show you that.  

Of course you know that if you did step back, he would stop showing up at all.  But you're cheating yourself by forcing this like you are.