Navigating a new relationship

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, amkxoxo said:

So I should just step back and not expect more than what I'm getting? 

It's confusing because you keep saying he's your "BF" and you're "in a relationship", but he usually only comes to your place for free meals, drinks, sex and running errands for himself, etc.

His entire social life, friends, family, etc has nothing to do with you and he never invites you or includes you. He sends you pics and texts about his friends and social life but won't include you.

[Kassieee]

1 hour ago, amkxoxo said:

So I should just step back and not expect more than what I'm getting? 

You should sit him down and really tell him what you want out of this relationship. You seem passive.

Also, why don't you set up dates? Everything doesn't have to be what he wants, on his terms. Take initiative in this relationship.

[Ageless Wisdom23]

On one Hand, Everything sounds good and fruitful.  However, On another different Hand, It appears her could have serious issues with his prostrate or something more and really would need to see a doctor.  My sister's husband went through Prostrate Cancer and Surgery.  Please, Try and encourage him to see someone.  I believe  he does make some excuses but maybe it is his Health at this point.  I cannot judge whether a friend is a top priority or him being embarrassed as to not feeling well enough to keep your dates.  You mentioned Money issues?  Could be he is not  feeling well enough to really go out at times.......😒

[glows]

Hey OP - I had asked a question on the previous page: What do you find nice about being together? 

Can you mention what is attracting you to this situation? I’m more curious to hear what you have to say or what you think about the two of you. I remember when dating, the 6 week mark is a whole lot of nothing much but getting to know the other person. It should feel good and fun and like you’re being heard at least, meeting on middle ground.

It’s possible this is just a fling or short term relationship. I see you want more of his time but he’s shown you where his priorities are. People in general who are interested in something long term are going to put in that effort because there’s a level of respect there that will carry you on for many years to come. Do you feel that he respects you or your time?

Edited August 12, 2023 by glows

[Kassieee]

I wouldn't be so to quick to write him off as a bad guy yet OP. The only red flag I see is that he's quick to jump from relationship to relationship quick. 

Edited August 12, 2023 by justaskingok

[Alpacalia]

I really don't think this would have worked out regardless but if he mentioned meeting his friends and family prematurely your response could have been "That's wonderful! But let's get to know each other a bit better first before meeting other people."

You didn't do that though, you jumped in with both feet and ready to meet friends and family. 

Instead, you could have suggested planning a few dates first before introducing him to your friends and family. I think the part of being passive is a good point that you pretty much let this person take the reins. And given his relationship history being reckless, that was probably the wrong thing to do.

You never objected, or set your own pace.

If you did you could have stayed a bit detached and saw the person in front of you and maybe you wouldn't be so attached to him now.

Edited August 12, 2023 by Alpacalia

[NuevoYorko]

One of the keys would be for OP to be accountable to HERSELF.  

If she truly wants a solid relationship, she needs to hold herself to some standards.  Just because it feels good to have a guy willing to text "all day every day" even if it's completely inane chatter and emojis, it's not a good reason to throw away ones standards of what they require to thrive in a healthy relationship.

I'm afraid that OP is just consumed with having the "boyfriend" box checked off and is prepared to have nothing else.   

My general sense is that her connection with many things in life is  superficial.  So "have boyfriend, check" might be OK.   

I'm sort of prepared to accept that there are people like that and she may be one of those, but @amkxoxo, you are almost never happy.  So maybe this way of life is not working for you.  And I can tell you that the long term results in a marriage will be disastrous.  The man is unlikely to be satisfied with a shell of a relationship even if you are, and he will not stay.

[Els]

Sorry, but I'm not really sure where this thread is going. Do you have any specific questions or advice that you are actually looking for and willing to listen to, OP? Because at the moment it just looks like a personal blog and we are the readers - you'll just carry on posting update after update of you continuing to stay with this dude, like none of the advice even happened.

[Alpacalia]

I think at this point since you have him on such a HIGH pedestal your only source for him is to give him the much needed confidence boost he needs after his ex cheated on him.

And guess what's going to happen after he gets it?

Terrible place for you to be in.

[JTSW]

20 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

So I should just step back and not expect more than what I'm getting? 

Yes, because you expect too much.

You are definitely not ok with him having friends and spending time with them.

You want ALL his time to be with you and those kind of demands are going to push him away.

It's crazy behaviour.

[Alpacalia]

Maybe he thinks you're a gold digger.

Maybe he just doesn't feel comfortable being intimate with you yet.

Maybe he's just not interested in taking the relationship to the next level.

Maybe he's intimidated by your success and is feeling inadequate.

Maybe he's afraid of commitment.

Maybe he just wants to be friends.

Whatever the reason, it's clear that your current relationship is not progressing in the way that you would like it to. Just ghost the dude. It's time to move on.

[NuevoYorko]

I looked back at some of your old threads.  This is from one from 10/18

Girl - you've got to stop getting caught up in what men SAY.

Quote

 

Look at what they DO.

He is not making time for you.

The busiest of men make time for their woman, even if they have to drop by your doorstep for a kiss and a hug before bed.

 

This relationship has had red flags all over it from the beginning.

 

Could be this relationship ... except, this is 5 years further down the road.  Have you been learning as you go?  If you have then USE what you learned to not make the same unfortunate choices over and over.  

By the way, this relationships also involved him taking off with his family often and he was fading severely from you before the 2 month mark.

I also found out something I hadn't known about you - you are a singer!  If you have a passion for something in your life you are a fortunate person.  Do you ever consider taking that back up again?

[amkxoxo]

My new boyfriend of two months has been on a vacation for one week. During that time, he's been communicating with me a lot when he could, being really sweet and saying he misses me. I was honestly shocked by all the effort he gave to reach out to me, send me pictures, cute notes, let me know when he would be out of touch. 

Mid-week he told me he'd love to see me the night he gets back. I was surprised by this, since his flight is later in the day. I asked him if he'd be too tired and he said no. 

He mentioned seeing me that night, twice during the week and I agreed and was excited he was so eager to see me. 

Now my boyfriend is coming back today and I asked about seeing him  tonight. He said it's up to me to decide. I asked him if he's too tired and he says he doesn't know yet. 

He probably won't get to my house until close to midnight. We'll probably chat a bit, cuddle up, and sleep. I have no issue with this. I really miss him. 

 I don't know whether we should see each other or what to tell him. I could make other plans. I don't want to sit waiting for him if he then is too tired to come over. Then I'm left just hanging.  He's only flying for three hours.   I could suggest seeing him tomorrow, but he has to pick his dog up from the boarding place and get him settled, then probably do laundry, get ready for work the next day. 

I also don't want to look like I'm just desperately sitting waiting for him to come home. But we both are eager to see each other as we have expressed through messages. 

What do I do?

[introverted1]

28 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

Mid-week he told me he'd love to see me the night he gets back. I was surprised by this, since his flight is later in the day. I asked him if he'd be too tired and he said no. 

Asked and answered.

29 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

He mentioned seeing me that night, twice during the week and I agreed and was excited he was so eager to see me. 

No mention of fatigue, just enthusiasm from him.

28 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

Now my boyfriend is coming back today and I asked about seeing him  tonight. He said it's up to me to decide. I asked him if he's too tired and he says he doesn't know yet. 

Why did you ask again?  

Each time you ask, you are dampening his enthusiasm and also planting (and watering) the seed that he will be too tired.

When someone reaches out to you with enthusiasm, the thing to do is to respond enthusiastically.  Assuming, of course, that you want to see him.  

Why not tell him you'd love to see him, even if just to be able to sleep next to him tonight? 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

 I don't want to sit waiting for him if he then is too tired to come over. Then I'm left just hanging.  

He tends to cancel last minute a lot and dislikes sleeping over. So let him know he's welcome if he wants, but don't hold your breath.

[stillafool]

Wouldn't it be better to spend time with him on Sunday where you guys can go out and spend time together doing something fun?  He hasn't seen you so he should be keen to spend time with you other than just sleeping.  He should be the one asking to see you.

[Kassieee]

He been telling you he wants to see you. You are excited to see him, why do you feel like you have to hold back? he's your boyfriend.......you dont have to pretend. You're always making moves based on how you think he feels, your wants and feelings matter too. 

See him enjoy yourself. 

[Alpacalia]

What do YOU want to do? I think given his track record of cancellations, and being that he is a bit of a flake, it might be best to wait until tomorrow or the day after to actually see him. That way, you know that he is rested, and ready for a full night of quality time. You obviously really miss him, so make sure you get the most out of your time together!

Edited August 19, 2023 by Alpacalia

[glows]

You’re probably starting to feel the cracks in the relationship now because the trust between the two of you has deteriorated. I had to skim through your previous thread for a recap. 

I can see both sides but going back and forth on it will cause more frustration and be tiresome. I personally would postpone for the following weekend or later in the week. He seemed to already indicate strongly to you he’s busy with his dog, laundry and prepping for the work week on Sunday.

 

Edited August 19, 2023 by glows

[BrinnM]

2 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

Now my boyfriend is coming back today and I asked about seeing him  tonight. He said it's up to me to decide. I asked him if he's too tired and he says he doesn't know yet. 

Looks like his initial excitement to come see you right after his return has been replaced with reality: He’s exhausted from the trip, and probably prefers to go to his place and rest. I don’t blame him: a three-hour flight these days can mean 10+ hours of waiting around, commuting to and from airports & sitting on a plane. It’s tiring! And then you get off the plane, and you certainly don’t look (and smell) your best. Getting picked up by a GF, or meeting right after is fine if you’ve been in a relationship for a while, but you guys - after 2 months - are in the early stages. And nobody wants to present themselves less than close to perfect to a new love interest/partner. I understand where he’s coming from. 
He probably regrets suggesting it in the first place. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

 I asked about seeing him  tonight. He said it's up to me to decide. I asked him if he's too tired and he says he doesn't know yet. 

He doesn't seem too enthusiastic about it. You invited him over but he claims he "might be too tired" and "has a lot to do tomorrow".  Relax. If he shows up great if not, another day or so won't matter.

However if you have other plans, go ahead and do that. The last time you invited him overnight he left to "feed the dog" and then blew you off the next day and told you you shouldn't have waited around for him.

That left you hurt and crying. This time be smart and play it by ear. Especially with someone who doesn't like to be pinned down with plans and tends to blow them off anyway.

[NuevoYorko]

If he "might" be too tired, he IS too tired.   

We all know the track record of the guy. His first priority will be getting back together with his homies.   Anyway, the only correct answer is "I can't wait to see you, wild horses wouldn't keep me away."  That's not what he said.  

I sure hope you don't sit around waiting on this guy.   I'm sure you will seen him again pretty soon.

 

[amkxoxo]

So things have changed quite quickly. 

1. I want to confirm that he was not saying he was going to be too tired or that he had to do laundry etc. 

I was assuming this myself. 

2. 

Well then he contacts me saying he feels ill. That threw a wrench into things. I really wanted to see him and was planning on seeing him that night. 

So now I'm thinking he may have covid from his trip. He keeps insisting he doesn't have it. So I tell him, that maybe he should rest when he returns and that I'll see him the next day when he feels better. Making sure the sickness passes. So I don't get it. 

He starts saying all this stuff trying to persuade me to see him. Saying- Oh well I was hoping you'd cuddle with me. 

I feel guilty. That maybe I should be comforting him, there for him as his girlfriend. 

Then he starts telling me how he feels fine and he's much better. He was attributing it to the travel changes. Then I feel bad. He's saying he's all better after resting. I feel guilty for not seeing him. I drive myself crazy. Do I see him? Do I not see him? 

But I decide to let him go home and rest. 

I feel like I let him down. 

I fall asleep around midnight and he calls me but I don't answer. 

I contact him the next day. Excited to see him. 

So we settle on the next day. Now it's today. He's still very sick. I'm pretty sure he has covid now for sure. He has all the symptoms. 

I offer to bring him items like juice and medicines. He says maybe. But I don't want to go near him and get covid. I think he'd be fine seeing me and giving it to me.  He wants comfort and to see me. 

I've never had a sick boyfriend before. 

I'm trying to be a good girlfriend.

He told me I'm so nice. For offering to bring him things. 

How do I deal with this? 

[ExpatInItaly]

39 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

I offer to bring him items like juice and medicines. He says maybe. But I don't want to go near him and get covid. I think he'd be fine seeing me and giving it to me.  He wants comfort and to see me.

Does he, though? 

He said "maybe" to your offer to play nurse to him.

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

I offer to bring him items like juice and medicines. He says maybe. 

Let him rest.  However you knew he would come up with something (tired,  ill, busy, etc,) to avoid seeing you and he doesn't want you to come over. He has his friends and family if he needs anything, but it's doubtful he's sick so perhaps let him rest.