Navigating a new relationship

[JTSW]

15 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

I asked him if he wanted to pop over tonight for dinner. I was cooking and it's on his way home.  He said he was so sorry but he already made plans with his guy friend to hangout with him tonight. So that's the most recent thing that's happened. 

And?

What's the problem with that?

You clearly have a big problem with him hanging out with anyone but you.

[NuevoYorko]

@amkxoxo -

Please get real with yourself.  Even if you are honestly ok with this meager level of interaction for a relationship, you are very unusual.  People generally  want a lot more.  Like what you SAY you want - most people actually do want, and need in order to bother hanging around.

For this guy, at this moment in his life, you are perfect because you have no standards and ask nothing of him. Nothing.   He can hang out on your couch for a couple of hours once in a while, or he can bail on you and do whatever.  You are all good with all of it.  

When and if he wants a connected relationship, or happens to meet someone who inspires him in that way, his half-assed efforts will cease immediately.

Maybe he doesn't even need to be interested in anyone else or a relationship.  At any time he might just fade off.  If you'd quit chasing and left anything up to him, I'm pretty sure he'd just disappear.  There's not enough going on here to stick two people together.  

Do you intend to linger around in this situation until it comes to that?

 

[amkxoxo]

I don't know how I feel. I guess, In my past relationships, the guys couldn't wait to see me, and make plans with me, and they'd spend day after day coming to see me. They weren't good men for me in the end though. I don't want nor long for those guys. I don't even think about them. 

With this guy. He calls me everyday and texts me everyday. I see him a few times a week. He always drives to me and drives me around when we go out. 

But we haven't gone on a good actual date in weeks. We are going camping with his family and he did pin me down for that, which is in three weeks. He's going with me to my hometown to meet my family this weekend. He agreed on that plan. 

I don't think he's a bad guy. 

But for example. Last night, he said he was going to hangout with his guy friend. His guy friend blew him off, so he hung out with some of his other guy friends instead. This was all unplanned and last minute. His guy friends wife was there. I wasn't invited. I know it was unplanned. He told me he told his two best guy friends all about me. 

He'll only stay at my house until 8pm on the weekdays. Then he insists on going home so he can shower, make lunch for the next day, get ready for work. Last night he was leaving his friends house way after 9pm. I don't get him that late at my house. 

Then tonight, he had a work thing after work. It got cancelled. So he called me to talk like we do daily.  Then he was complaining about what he would have for dinner. I offered if he wanted to come over, that I was making myself XYZ meal and he could join. It was still early in the day.  He said he couldn't because he has to clean his apartment. I've never had a guy opt to clean his apartment instead of seeing me. 

But I suppose he is being responsible.  I'm still in the honeymoon- I want to spend all this time with you excited phase. And he's just living his life and making sure his responsibilities are taken care of. I work at home, so I get to take care of my home during the day I have a lot more time. He works in-person hard every day. So after work he is focusing on laundry, cleaning, and such. 

I feel like I'm too needy and chasing him. I need to just step back. I'm way too happy, kind, excited. My parents tell me that I'm too sweet and no one deserves it. I'm so caring and loving. 

This guy talks about moving to another state with me and us putting our pets together. 

And the other day when I mentioned it, he almost got worried and said- you aren't wanting to move soon right? Because I'm going to need a year or two, and I was hoping you didn't mean you were ready soon.

He seemed worried, insecure about his situation. 

Maybe he sits back and is just as insecure as I am. 

It made me think that maybe he does care more than I think he does. And he is always saying these things that makes me think he sees a long term life with me. 

But I could be wrong. 

[Kassieee]

3 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

I don't know how I feel. I guess, In my past relationships, the guys couldn't wait to see me, and make plans with me, and they'd spend day after day coming to see me. They weren't good men for me in the end though. I don't want nor long for those guys. I don't even think about them. 

With this guy. He calls me everyday and texts me everyday. I see him a few times a week. He always drives to me and drives me around when we go out. 

But we haven't gone on a good actual date in weeks. We are going camping with his family and he did pin me down for that, which is in three weeks. He's going with me to my hometown to meet my family this weekend. He agreed on that plan. 

I don't think he's a bad guy. 

But for example. Last night, he said he was going to hangout with his guy friend. His guy friend blew him off, so he hung out with some of his other guy friends instead. This was all unplanned and last minute. His guy friends wife was there. I wasn't invited. I know it was unplanned. He told me he told his two best guy friends all about me. 

He'll only stay at my house until 8pm on the weekdays. Then he insists on going home so he can shower, make lunch for the next day, get ready for work. Last night he was leaving his friends house way after 9pm. I don't get him that late at my house. 

Then tonight, he had a work thing after work. It got cancelled. So he called me to talk like we do daily.  Then he was complaining about what he would have for dinner. I offered if he wanted to come over, that I was making myself XYZ meal and he could join. It was still early in the day.  He said he couldn't because he has to clean his apartment. I've never had a guy opt to clean his apartment instead of seeing me. 

But I suppose he is being responsible.  I'm still in the honeymoon- I want to spend all this time with you excited phase. And he's just living his life and making sure his responsibilities are taken care of. I work at home, so I get to take care of my home during the day I have a lot more time. He works in-person hard every day. So after work he is focusing on laundry, cleaning, and such. 

I feel like I'm too needy and chasing him. I need to just step back. I'm way too happy, kind, excited. My parents tell me that I'm too sweet and no one deserves it. I'm so caring and loving. 

This guy talks about moving to another state with me and us putting our pets together. 

And the other day when I mentioned it, he almost got worried and said- you aren't wanting to move soon right? Because I'm going to need a year or two, and I was hoping you didn't mean you were ready soon.

He seemed worried, insecure about his situation. 

Maybe he sits back and is just as insecure as I am. 

It made me think that maybe he does care more than I think he does. And he is always saying these things that makes me think he sees a long term life with me. 

But I could be wrong. 

Why haven't you took initiative  do anything in this relationship? Have you planned a date yet? Just wondering.

[amkxoxo]

10 minutes ago, SlimShadysWife said:

Why haven't you took initiative  do anything in this relationship? Have you planned a date yet? Just wondering.

The last time I planned a date, he got all awkward and said how he didn't have money and how he'd take me out the week after and he never did. 

I told him when he came back from his trip that I'd like to go out to a nice dinner and have some romance, amd he said sure and agreed, but it never happened. 

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, amkxoxo said:

The last time I planned a date, he got all awkward and said how he didn't have money and how he'd take me out the week after and he never did. 

Why didn't you tell him you would pay.

[FMW]

15 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

And the other day when I mentioned it, he almost got worried and said- you aren't wanting to move soon right? Because I'm going to need a year or two, and I was hoping you didn't mean you were ready soon.

He seemed worried, insecure about his situation. 

Maybe he sits back and is just as insecure as I am. 

It made me think that maybe he does care more than I think he does. And he is always saying these things that makes me think he sees a long term life with me. 

To me, saying he's going to need a year or two to move and seeming worried about you wanting to move soon, is more likely to mean he doesn't want you to have expectations of things developing anytime soon.  Meaning he's happy just the way things are.  I wouldn't take that as encouragement in thinking he sees a long term connection with you.  I don't see anything encouraging in what you've written that would indicate long term intentions.  

Don't string yourself along.  If you are ok with things just as they are, then great. But nothing indicates things will change any time soon, if ever.  

 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

 and he never did. but it never happened. 

It seems like you initiate everything, including free meals at your place. He has time and money for friends, dinners, drinks, vacations. Unfortunately he doesn't seem to want to do these with you.

 You're constantly asking him to come over, but he seems to have a lot of excuses. Hopefully he shows up for your family get together. 

[Kassieee]

29 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

The last time I planned a date, he got all awkward and said how he didn't have money and how he'd take me out the week after and he never did. 

I told him when he came back from his trip that I'd like to go out to a nice dinner and have some romance, amd he said sure and agreed, but it never happened. 

Welp, that's what happens when you pick a broke boy. Gotta roll with the punches.

I suggest a beach date..something about being in a body of water with your s.o is super intimate and romantic...imo.

Edited August 24, 2023 by SlimShadysWife

[JTSW]

10 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

Last night, he said he was going to hangout with his guy friend. His guy friend blew him off, so he hung out with some of his other guy friends instead. This was all unplanned and last minute.

This seems to be a reacurring issue for you.

Even though you say you don't mind, you clearly don't like it when he hangs out with his guys friends.

You don't like it when he doesn't prioritise you.

10 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

I feel like I'm too needy and chasing him.

Yes, you are. 

You want him to spend all his time with you when that's not possible.

10 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

And the other day when I mentioned it, he almost got worried and said- you aren't wanting to move soon right? Because I'm going to need a year or two, and I was hoping you didn't mean you were ready soon.

It meant it as a future goal together.

You are too eager to do everything all at once.

There are far too many issues and complications for relationship that's only been going for a few weeks.

You are very needy OP and that's where all the issues stem from.

You expect allot and it throws you when it doesn't go your way.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, FMW said:

saying he's going to need a year or two to move and seeming worried about you wanting to move soon, is more likely to mean he doesn't want you to have expectations of things developing anytime soon.

That's exactly how I read it, too. 

He's not insecure about you, OP. He's worried you will want to get serious when he doesn't want that. You are way more into him than he is into you. He knows it, and you know it. 

[Alpacalia]

12 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

With this guy. He calls me everyday and texts me everyday. I see him a few times a week. He always drives to me and drives me around when we go out. 

This is his preferred routine: he enjoys hanging out at your place for a few hours, some pillow plumping, you feed him, and then he heads out after a couple of hours, or so. The daily calls and texts serve the purpose of keeping him on your mind.

He lacks emotional connection. He uses your time together as a way to get away from his own issues.

If you don't mind the type of relationship, then keep it up.

I agree too that you come from a place of neediness. It doesn't even sound like you want this guy, more like you just want someone to do nice things for you and you're not bothered about knowing if he likes you for who you are. Do you even like him yourself? Or is he just a nice distraction from the loneliness.

Edited August 25, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

. His guy friend blew him off, so he hung out with some of his other guy friends instead. This was all unplanned and last minute. I wasn't invited. 

This doesn't seem like he's "treating you like a princess". This seems like he likes you but prefers to spend his time and money with friends. 

[JTSW]

I'm a little baffled.

Allot of people seem to be slamming this guy pretty hard.

Yeah, I agree that he seems a little reserved when it comes to their relationship, but it's also a pretty new relationship.

He rushed into a marriage before that ended in disaster so he likely just wants to take things slow, albeit a little too slow for OP's liking.

My worries are with the OP.

She acknowledges that he's good to her, treats her well and does allot for her, but he also likes a little time to himself, yet she hates it every time he hangs out with his guy friends.

She has admitted that she has never had long relationships, likely because she demanded allot.

He is not perfect, I can see that, but the OP has far too much focus on such trivial matters.

[Gaeta]

On 8/23/2023 at 6:39 PM, amkxoxo said:

want romance and sleepovers, and mornings together talking in bed. We just fu**

Then introduce him to your family when he gives you all the romance & sleepovers you want. 

Why, oh why!! Do you bring this guy to meet your family? ! He has not proven himself worthy to meet them! 

All he does is drop by, eat, get sex & leave. 

One of the common reasons why men can't finish sex is antidepressant. He said when things get in his head he takes meds. I would take that as a hint. 

[NuevoYorko]

OP:  WHY are you posting here?   Obviously you don't want any advice.  I can understand that.  But you don't even want to talk about what is really going on with you and this guy.  You want to put a spin on everything to make it seem "relationshippy," like you need to learn to communicate better, or you are about to meet each others' families.   

Why are you putting yourself through this charade?

Edited August 26, 2023 by NuevoYorko

[ExpatInItaly]

On 8/23/2023 at 2:05 AM, amkxoxo said:

He is coming to a big family function with me all day. 

Oh, man. 

You are going to regret that. 

[NuevoYorko]

Why do you have to do these "all day" things?  He will not be able to deal - will get a stomach ache or something else.  If he goes at all.

 

 

Edited August 26, 2023 by NuevoYorko

[Wiseman2]

On 8/22/2023 at 8:05 PM, amkxoxo said:

All seemed good and we are getting together Saturday. He is coming to a big family function with me all day. 

Are you driving there together? How far is it? You mentioned you don't like driving and one of his good points is he drives to your house (so you never have to drive to his or meet him places) and drives when you two do go someplace.  

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

With his track record, I would be expecting him to back out of this.

Isn't it too soon to meet your family?  Just hope that one of his friends doesn't call him and want to hang out since he seems to always gives them first priority.  

Edited August 26, 2023 by stillafool

[amkxoxo]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

Isn't it too soon to meet your family?  Just hope that one of his friends doesn't call him and want to hang out since he seems to always gives them first priority.  

He came and met everyone. It was an hour ride. I thought it went well. He got along great with my brother and his wife. I don't think he spent enough time with my parents, but it was a busy huge event. I feel sort of bad, it was a huge huge party. But even I didn't know half the people there myself.  So we stuck sort of in a smaller group of my family, which I think worked well. 

He said he is looking for a new apartment. He wants something larger and better for me to be able to come over and stay over- his words. 

I offered to go apartment hunting with him, but he said he's going with his guy friend. Again, thought this was weird since I'm his girlfriend. 

We got home later around 10pm tonight and I suggested he stay over or even just stay and watch a movie with me. He refused and said he'd like to go home and be with his pets and fall asleep.  So he left. He said the first time we have a sleepover will be in two weeks when we go camping. 

Again, I want to make it clear. I am not upset that he has friends or goes out with them. 

But take yesterday, he worked all day, then had to drive two hours for a party at his siblings house, then two hours back, then went out for dinner and drinks at a local bar with his guy friend, then met up with another friend after and they had drinks until 1am. 

But today he hung out with me and my family, we only drove one hour there, one hour back, then we get home at 10pm and he's got to go home and he's so exhausted. 

So I guess no sleepover next weekend. I see two sides, there isn't a rush. We're moving slow. But I also see a side of why doesn't he want to stay with me overnight? 

We did spend the day together and he said he was wiped out socially and physically. 

He told me his libido had been just crashed. So we really aren't like having sex often at all. Like barely once a week, if that. He says he doesn't know why. And he said it isn't me at all. He's had issues like this his whole life. He said he had past girlfriends cry thinking it was them. 

I guess that definitely makes me feel better. But just different from past relationships I've had. 

[Alpacalia]

33 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

He said he is looking for a new apartment. He wants something larger and better for me to be able to come over and stay over- his words. 

 

Glad to hear that you had a great time when he met your family. How did your family like him? Did he get along well with your family? Does this suggest that you haven't received an invitation to his place? 

Sounds like he needs some time to relax and unwind, especially after he has worked all day, and then driven two hours for a party at his sibling's house, and two more hours back. It could be that he is just exhausted and not in the right frame of mind/energy to want to spend the night with you yet.

I can't seem to remember a single instance of him bunking at your spot overnight yet. It's usually accompanied by some excuse about needing his own bed. I mean, come on, in the wild world of dating, two months in and most lovebirds are doing the whole bunny sleepover marathon thing. But, everyone's their own flavor of unique, and relationships have more flavors than an ice cream shop. Still, let's be real, two months is like the "ooey-gooey lust" and "crazy infatuation" phase, right?

It's also possible that he just isn't ready for that level of commitment yet. As you've only been dating a couple months, it wouldn't be unusual if he wasn't in the same mindset as you in wanting to spend the night together.

Edited August 27, 2023 by Alpacalia

[amkxoxo]

36 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Glad to hear that you had a great time when he met your family. How did your family like him? Did he get along well with your family? Does this suggest that you haven't received an invitation to his place? 

Sounds like he needs some time to relax and unwind, especially after he has worked all day, and then driven two hours for a party at his sibling's house, and two more hours back. It could be that he is just exhausted and not in the right frame of mind/energy to want to spend the night with you yet.

I can't seem to remember a single instance of him bunking at your spot overnight yet. It's usually accompanied by some excuse about needing his own bed. I mean, come on, in the wild world of dating, two months in and most lovebirds are doing the whole bunny sleepover marathon thing. But, everyone's their own flavor of unique, and relationships have more flavors than an ice cream shop. Still, let's be real, two months is like the "ooey-gooey lust" and "crazy infatuation" phase, right?

It's also possible that he just isn't ready for that level of commitment yet. As you've only been dating a couple months, it wouldn't be unusual if he wasn't in the same mindset as you in wanting to spend the night together.

I've been to his place one time for minimal time. 

He said he doesn't want me coming over because it's in a bad area, there is no parking for me, and he has a tiny studio so we would just be sitting on his bed.

He told me he really wants to get a nice one bedroom place, sp he had a separate bedroom, with a living room, so we can hangout, watch movies, and I can stay over. 

[basil67]

52 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

I've been to his place one time for minimal time. 

He said he doesn't want me coming over because it's in a bad area, there is no parking for me, and he has a tiny studio so we would just be sitting on his bed.

He told me he really wants to get a nice one bedroom place, sp he had a separate bedroom, with a living room, so we can hangout, watch movies, and I can stay over. 

 

This is so much BS and avoidance on his part.   

If he can't afford food or TP, he can't possibly afford a nice one bedroom place.  And he's too lazy to escort you through his neighbourhood.   So basically, you'll be waiting forever for him to bring you into his life

I can't believe you're giving this guy the time of day.  I would have ditched him looooong ago

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, amkxoxo said:

I've been to his place one time for minimal time. 

He said he doesn't want me coming over because it's in a bad area, there is no parking for me, and he has a tiny studio so we would just be sitting on his bed.

He told me he really wants to get a nice one bedroom place, sp he had a separate bedroom, with a living room, so we can hangout, watch movies, and I can stay over. 

I really dislike being this doubtful, but I have a feeling this guy might actually have a girlfriend. I mean, the constant cancellations, him never staying over or only staying briefly, the perpetual empty wallet situation, and his constant outings with friends. And have you noticed how he's so hesitant about you visiting his place? I apologize, but it really seems like there's someone else in the picture. Sure, guys enjoy spending time with their buddies, but turning down the opportunity for intimacy with a new woman he's supposedly dating, especially when you're only getting together once a week for that, tells me something's up.