Navigating a new relationship

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

He told me his libido had been just crashed. So we really aren't like having sex often at all. Like barely once a week, if that. He says he doesn't know why. And he said it isn't me at all. He's had issues like this his whole life. He said he had past girlfriends cry thinking it was them. 

I guess that definitely makes me feel better. But just different from past relationships I've had. 

Well you're certainly understanding as well as accepting, so hopefully you don't have a high sex drive or this could be an issue.

Edited August 27, 2023 by stillafool

[Kassieee]

2 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

He came and met everyone. It was an hour ride. I thought it went well. He got along great with my brother and his wife. I don't think he spent enough time with my parents, but it was a busy huge event. I feel sort of bad, it was a huge huge party. But even I didn't know half the people there myself.  So we stuck sort of in a smaller group of my family, which I think worked well. 

He said he is looking for a new apartment. He wants something larger and better for me to be able to come over and stay over- his words. 

I offered to go apartment hunting with him, but he said he's going with his guy friend. Again, thought this was weird since I'm his girlfriend. 

We got home later around 10pm tonight and I suggested he stay over or even just stay and watch a movie with me. He refused and said he'd like to go home and be with his pets and fall asleep.  So he left. He said the first time we have a sleepover will be in two weeks when we go camping. 

Again, I want to make it clear. I am not upset that he has friends or goes out with them. 

But take yesterday, he worked all day, then had to drive two hours for a party at his siblings house, then two hours back, then went out for dinner and drinks at a local bar with his guy friend, then met up with another friend after and they had drinks until 1am. 

But today he hung out with me and my family, we only drove one hour there, one hour back, then we get home at 10pm and he's got to go home and he's so exhausted. 

So I guess no sleepover next weekend. I see two sides, there isn't a rush. We're moving slow. But I also see a side of why doesn't he want to stay with me overnight? 

We did spend the day together and he said he was wiped out socially and physically. 

He told me his libido had been just crashed. So we really aren't like having sex often at all. Like barely once a week, if that. He says he doesn't know why. And he said it isn't me at all. He's had issues like this his whole life. He said he had past girlfriends cry thinking it was them. 

I guess that definitely makes me feel better. But just different from past relationships I've had. 

He doesn't want to sleep over because that's his God given right. Some people are just like that, would rather sleep in their own bed. I am like that too, even if im so deeply inlove. Dont take it so personal.

I think this guy is cool. He's not fixated on just one relationship, he knows how to balance all of his relationships, with his family, friends, and you.

[amkxoxo]

2 minutes ago, SlimShadysWife said:

He doesn't want to sleep over because that's his God given right. Some people are just like that, would rather sleep in their own bed. I am like that too, even if im so deeply inlove. Dont take it so personal.

I think this guy is cool. He's not fixated on just one relationship, he knows how to balance all of his relationships, with his family, friends, and you.

Honestly, I feel the same. I think his pace is actually good for me. In the past, I've rushed into everything.  Sleeping over, saying I love you- when I didn't know what that really meant to me, doing everything together, and those relationships never lasted. 

I really like him and I think he's doing things right. I think my expectations are high and my previous experiences aren't helping me, as that is what I think is real. I'm insecure and always seeking validation like an idiot. 

He's going slow and still living his life too. Honestly, that's healthy. 

 

[amkxoxo]

Been with my boyfriend now for three months. We've recently met each other's families and we even went on a weekend trip away with his mom and he told me he loves me. I told him I love him too. 

The trip brought us close together and I felt the love just bursting from my heart, as cheesy as that sounds. I've never felt this way about anyone ever. This is truly love. 

Since then, I feel like I've gotten really insecure and scared. 

I've now been spending time at his place, overnight and stuff. I love it. But I keep getting awkward, quiet, not sure what to say and do. 

I feel like I've lost my confidence in being my genuine self and saying what I want and like. I am constantly saying whatever you want, whatever you need, whatever works for you. I'm such a pushover. I'm too sweet and kind. 

I keep apologizing for things. I'm sorry I tapped your leg in bed, sorry I was in the bathroom too long, sorry I want more milk in my coffee. 

He says I'm too much of a worry wart and high strung, that I need to chill more. I agree. He says he can tell I was just raised that way. I was. 

It just comes out like word vomit, the i'm sorry. I love him. I'm so afraid of messing up. I'm insecure and self conscious. He literally now pees with the door open. He's so funny and doesn't care.  

I don't know if this is normal or how relationships should be. I'm afraid he'll leave me for being too boring, for having some extra weight on my thighs, for eating too much or too little, for not being fun enough or quirky enough. 

But literally take today. He woke up at 4am to play video games. I remember waking up as he slid out of bed and felt him kissing my head sweetly a few times. I slept until 6am. He made me some coffee.  I laid in bed, watched TV by myself,  while he played some more. Then he made us breakfast. We cleaned his apartment. Then we attempted sex, but he had ED issues. Then we sat around watching a movie. But he wasn't cuddly and basically ignored me. I felt so unloved. I asked him if he was okay many times. He said yes, and said he was tired and just energy-less. He made us lunch. I talked to him here and there. We watched two movies, then I went home. We did make plans for this upcoming week. 

I've turned into this helpful mom figure. Helping him re-arrange his apartment,  shopping at Walmart with him, studying for tests, and caring for his pets with him. 

He says he loves me, but then sometimes I don't feel it. He says it isn't me that he's just tired sometimes or preoccupied. 

We don't have sex a lot. He has some ED issues. We've had amazing sex before,  but then like the other day he couldn't keep it up. I cuddled him but backed off. It wasn't reciprocated. He just isn't that way. I am. He says he likes that I am. But I feel inadequate. We haven't had sex in two weeks. Life got in the way, but also he'll just feel too full from food or too tired. 

I like that connection together. I like sex. He claims he does, but he doesn't want to have it as much as me. I'm horny. 

When we hangout, I always feel like then after I am waiting for him to see me again. I'll ask plans and he'll say no. But he makes plans with me on his timeline. 

He is giving, always buying me dinner, and stuff when we go out. He's a gentleman that way. 

If we hangout and say goodbye, I'll literally get so insecure until we make plans again. And I'm dying to see him again. 

He says he loves where our relationship is at. Us seeing each other a few times a week and dating. We have talked about a future together. He says he has thought about it and maybe in a year we move in together. He talks about us combining our pets. 

But says he isn't ready or wanting that right now. I'm not either. He is divorced and he said living together is a lot of pressure. You can't escape the person and share space. 

I get that. I've never lived with anyone before. 

I love this man. Maybe this is just normal relationship stuff. I see a future with him. Sometimes I can't gauge him and his behavior. I think it might not be me at all, just him. 

I've never been in a relationship like this before. 

Guys I dated in the past never wanted me to leave and they wanted to see me a ton. We cuddled a ton. He told me early on that he isn't a huge PDA and cuddly guy. We do cuddle in bed and he'll hold me and stuff. It's not like we don't. 

But it's just a different relationship. 

What do you all think and do you have any advice for me? 

 

Edited September 24, 2023 by amkxoxo

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

I've turned into this helpful mom figure.  We haven't had sex in two weeks. Life got in the way, but also he'll just feel too full from food or too tired. 

Why not step back a bit so he has a chance to miss you rather than feel smothered? Try not to keep accelerating things.

It's only been a few months dating. He seems to be sticking around so try to pace yourself. You're noticing some incompatibilities with sex, affection, time spent together and so on. 

Edited September 24, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Gaeta]

I think romantic love cannot survive without intimicy/sex. I think you feel innadequate because of the lack of intimicy/sex. You feel a connection then it's broken when sex doesn't happen and his mind goes on video games & cleaning. You feel rejected a little bit but often. 

I'm afraid you will remain on this relationship even if it is slowly killing your confidence. Longer you stay, harder it will be for you to get back your self worth.

You are way too young to settle for this.

Edited September 24, 2023 by Gaeta

[glows]

If he’s awake since 4am playing games is it any wonder that he’s lethargic and no energy later in the day with you? This guy sounds like he’s trying to have his cake and eat it too - wants to live like a college kid in moms basement and yet have a full blown relationship complete with overnighters and multiple movie sessions, cook and date you. Obviously something is going to give and sex for him isn’t a priority because he’s so damn tired all the time. You fill in for him like a parental figure because he doesn’t have his sh*t sorted.

Im sorry you’re feeling insecure. Sometimes it’s not you. It’s the crappy relationship or the partner complacent and lazy, or thoughtless in regards to sleep and schedule.

I’d have a chat that the lack of sex and intimacy is affecting the way you feel. If he has truly lost the plot he won’t care to change. Or it won’t be up for discussion. He will simply dismiss you or won’t care that this ends. You are the one who has to know what you want. 

[Kassieee]

You need to call the shots too. And be open about what you want. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

I am constantly saying whatever you want, whatever you need, whatever works for you. I'm such a pushover. I'm too sweet and kind. 

I'll be blunt.  My husband was in a relationship before me and she used to do this. He said it drove him NUTS having to make all the plans and not even knowing what she really wanted.. He told me that her lack of input was one of the reasons he ended the relationship.   And to be clear, this isn't sweet and kind behaviour. Rather it's about choosing to not hold up your end of the relationship.  Plans don't make themselves, and it's unfair to lump all of the work on a partner.

For what it's worth, I do suggest plans which husband isn't keen on.  And he suggests plans which I'm not keen on.  So we just find something else to do.  Learning to work together is what makes a relationship succeed.  

2 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

If we hangout and say goodbye, I'll literally get so insecure until we make plans again. And I'm dying to see him again. 

Going by your previous thread, this is because he always puts you second behind his friends.  Could it be that you've never actually told him what you want?  Are you just sitting there waiting for him to plan stuff?  

Anyway, no this is not normal relationship stuff.  Not feeling comfortable in communicating your needs is actually harmful to the relationship.  And yes, it is possible that if you communicate your needs and find they incompatible to his needs, then the relationship might end....as it should.

[amkxoxo]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'll be blunt.  My husband was in a relationship before me and she used to do this. He said it drove him NUTS having to make all the plans and not even knowing what she really wanted.. He told me that her lack of input was one of the reasons he ended the relationship.   And to be clear, this isn't sweet and kind behaviour. Rather it's about choosing to not hold up your end of the relationship.  Plans don't make themselves, and it's unfair to lump all of the work on a partner.

For what it's worth, I do suggest plans which husband isn't keen on.  And he suggests plans which I'm not keen on.  So we just find something else to do.  Learning to work together is what makes a relationship succeed.  

Going by your previous thread, this is because he always puts you second behind his friends.  Could it be that you've never actually told him what you want?  Are you just sitting there waiting for him to plan stuff?  

Anyway, no this is not normal relationship stuff.  Not feeling comfortable in communicating your needs is actually harmful to the relationship.  And yes, it is possible that if you communicate your needs and find they incompatible to his needs, then the relationship might end....as it should.

I don't always do this. I've invited him for plans many times. Hey wanna come over tonight and watch xyz show and eat Chinese? Want to help me with xyz ? 

But many times I felt he said no, he can't, so I think the rejection made me like this. I'm afraid of rejection or looking stupid, that my plans are lame. 

So now I sort of just wait on him to pin me down for plans. Because most times it's his schedule. 

I made plans this Friday night for us. Dinner outside and a fire pit. 

[basil67]

1 minute ago, amkxoxo said:

I don't always do this. I've invited him for plans many times. Hey wanna come over tonight and watch xyz show and eat Chinese? Want to help me with xyz ? 

But many times I felt he said no, he can't, so I think the rejection made me like this. I'm afraid of rejection or looking stupid, that my plans are lame. 

So now I sort of just wait on him to pin me down for plans. Because most times it's his schedule. 

I made plans this Friday night for us. Dinner outside and a fire pit. 

OK, good to hear that you're not actually saying "whatever you want dear" all the time.

What you are describing above is not normal.  And frankly, does not look like a healthy relationship.  What it does look like is that things haven't changed since your last thread and you're waiting at his beck and call.

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

I don't always do this. I've invited him for plans many times. Hey wanna come over tonight and watch xyz show and eat Chinese? Want to help me with xyz ? 

But many times I felt he said no, he can't, so I think the rejection made me like this. I'm afraid of rejection or looking stupid, that my plans are lame. 

So now I sort of just wait on him to pin me down for plans. Because most times it's his schedule. 

I made plans this Friday night for us. Dinner outside and a fire pit. 

He seems to be the same as always. Sticking around and seeing you if and when he feels like it, so not much has changed, but you seem thrilled about him so maybe being total opposites somewhat works in this case. He's like Peter Pan and you like to play Wendy and mother him. 

[d0nnivain]

You are not acting from a place of love, which is secure & let's you be yourself. You are acting from fear & that is ruining things because you are too anxious.    It's only been 90 days.  You should not be so worried.  Try to figure out where all this anxiety is coming from.  

[JTSW]

Nothing has changed from your last identical post.

You are both the same and doing the same things.

He gets up at 4am to play video games (bazaar behaviour), that's why he's too tired for sex.

This is one thing you need to request for him to change, that he not get up at stupid o clock to play video games.

It what way do you see this relationship lasting with so many complications so early on?

You don't seem to have taken ANY advice from your previous post because you are still doing the same things that cause issues too.

Edited September 25, 2023 by JTSW

[Weezy1973]

The ED issue and lack of drive on his part at 3 months is a concern. Waking up at 4am to play video games instead of wanting to have sex with your girlfriend of 3 months isn’t great. It could be he isn’t that attracted to you. Actions speak louder than words.
 

I’ve been in a relationship with a woman I wasn’t that attracted to, and while at the very beginning we had sex, my drive fairly quickly dissipated. It wasn’t ED; she just wasn’t really my type physically. But I liked her as a person so the relationship lasted way longer than it should have. 

[introverted1]

13 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

Then we attempted sex, but he had ED issues.

I don't know your back story.  Is he very overweight?  Very old?  Young healthy guys are typically raring to go, so it seems like a trip to the doctor (or possibly psychologist) is in order. 

[amkxoxo]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

The ED issue and lack of drive on his part at 3 months is a concern. Waking up at 4am to play video games instead of wanting to have sex with your girlfriend of 3 months isn’t great. It could be he isn’t that attracted to you. Actions speak louder than words.
 

I’ve been in a relationship with a woman I wasn’t that attracted to, and while at the very beginning we had sex, my drive fairly quickly dissipated. It wasn’t ED; she just wasn’t really my type physically. But I liked her as a person so the relationship lasted way longer than it should have. 

He told me he has ED issues and has since he was a teen. Was even on pills for it. He said his brothers have it too. He said he's had girlfriends cry thinking it was them, but he assured me it was him. 

[amkxoxo]

13 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

I don't know your back story.  Is he very overweight?  Very old?  Young healthy guys are typically raring to go, so it seems like a trip to the doctor (or possibly psychologist) is in order. 

He isn't overweight, but his diet isn't great, lots of bad food and beer. I am curvy, but I eat healthier and have a normal maybe even high sex drive. 

[amkxoxo]

We had amazing sex a few times and we both finished together. It felt amazing. Other times he struggled to stay hard. He gets hard, and aroused by me. I do oral on him. He absolutely loves it. We start to have sex and halfway through he can't stay hard. 

[glows]

ED is besides the point. He’s disconnected and tired because he eats poorly and has a poor sleep schedule. How does he even function or support himself? Does he work? Or is he a full time student - you mentioned you help him with “tests”. 

The guy seems to need a lot of help according to you and you aren’t even satiated in bed. How is this a mutually agreeable relationship?

[amkxoxo]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

ED is besides the point. He’s disconnected and tired because he eats poorly and has a poor sleep schedule. How does he even function or support himself? Does he work? Or is he a full time student - you mentioned you help him with “tests”. 

The guy seems to need a lot of help according to you and you aren’t even satiated in bed. How is this a mutually agreeable relationship?

He works full time. I help him as he has to take tests yearly for work. 

[amkxoxo]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You are not acting from a place of love, which is secure & let's you be yourself. You are acting from fear & that is ruining things because you are too anxious.    It's only been 90 days.  You should not be so worried.  Try to figure out where all this anxiety is coming from.  

I agree. I think it's me being vulnerable. I'm putting my heart put there, showing my personality,  investing, loving him. It's a bit scary to do this. Exciting but scary. It's funny he told me when he told me he loves me that he was scared but excited. I feel that same way. I am afraid to lose him, because now I've invested my heart, my time, myself. That he will suddenly dump me for whatever reason and I'll be left blindsided and heartbroken. If he makes a comment about me- chill, don't be so high-strung or makes a comment about my picky eating or my habits I get so self conscious thinking I'm turning him off by just being myself. 

[glows]

1 minute ago, amkxoxo said:

He works full time. I help him as he has to take tests yearly for work. 

Are these licensing exams?

Would you feel more comfortable not spending overnighters and so much time over at his place? Give him space to sort his own studying and upkeep of his home. He may want that one weekend day or day off to wake up at 4 am to play video games, eat junk food or study. 

I think at this point you’re smothering the relationship and he doesn’t have enough time to do what he needs to do.

If he’s telling you to “chill” he may just not find you attractive overall. He may never say it but he resents you. Your personality is too high strung and he feels pressured to be a certain way with you. At the same time, it’s quite rude to be picking on someone’s eating habits. Why would he do that at all in the first place if he wasn’t fed up or resentful?

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

That he will suddenly dump me for whatever reason and I'll be left blindsided and heartbroken

Oh dear.

He's broke,, cancels most of the time on you, favors his friends over you, can't have sex most of the time, doesn't even shower for you.............you'd be heartbroken over what exactly?  

[amkxoxo]

1 minute ago, glows said:

Are these licensing exams?

Would you feel more comfortable not spending overnighters and so much time over at his place? Give him space to sort his own studying and upkeep of his home. He may want that one weekend day or day off to wake up at 4 am to play video games, eat junk food or study. 

I think at this point you’re smothering the relationship and he doesn’t have enough time to do what he needs to do.

If he’s telling you to “chill” he may just not find you attractive overall. He may never say it but he resents you. Your personality is too high strung and he feels pressured to be a certain way with you. At the same time, it’s quite rude to be picking on someone’s eating habits. Why would he do that at all in the first place if he wasn’t fed up or resentful?

Maybe I misrepresented.  He doesn't pick at my eating habits. I'm a picky eater and I am just self conscious of this. I feel like I'm always like I don't like this or that, whereas he likes everything. But I do eat healthier than him. 

He does tell me to chill. Like one day his giant fan fell out of the window, it made a loud crashing sound. I screamed, not loud, more like a yelped out and he was like chill out. I was fine, it's just my reaction. 

Or he almost squashed the cat moving a piece of furniture and I yelped out- watch out the cat is there! 

And he was like chill out, the cat will move. He roughly got out of bed and again almost squashed the cat and I said something again. 

He told me I need to chill more, and he sees that he thinks I was just raised the way I am.