Newly married, and my wife's financial illiteracy/ignorance is driving me nuts

[whysotough]

Good day everyone. I'll try to keep this short. 

I married my childhood best friend. We are extremely close, and I love her more than anyone else in this world. We've been married for almost 2 years, dated for 4, and have known each other for a total of 16 years (very closely). 
We always have a blast together, we laugh alot, travel often, and have a very nice life generally. 
We understand one another, trust one another, and are in a very loving marriage aside from this issue.

She is much, MUCH smarter than I am, but she's simply not interested to grow herself.

She has a job that is very flexible, earns around $50K a year net, and I couldn't be happier that she's in a job that she likes and that doesn't stress her out.
I make around $200K, I have a few side ventures, and I consistently try and teach myself new ways in order to achieve financial freedom. 

My issue is that she has no ambitions to do anything else. She's burning through her monthly income and well into her savings, she's uninterested to become financial free, and she has see's no need or reason to even try to do better for herself so that we can become financially free.
I've offered to pay for her masters, I've offered to give her a capital once she's read and learned about investments, I've tried to tell her to monitor where her monthly expenses are going, and to even just try not to deplete her income.

I find myself frustrated and having to lecture her, and I dont see any result.
I have every intention to fully fund our home, our child (in the future), but she has to do better for herself in order to contribute to more than just her own expenses.
I would never take any money from her towards my own expenses, but I dont find it fair that she doesn't see the importance of having to do better. I worry that should something ever happen to me, she and our child/children would be in a financial rut. 

I genuinely dont know if my only option is to simply accept that this is who she is, and that she either has no desire to do better because she's generally uninterested, or that she has no desire because she knows I will handle things.

She's very generous with what she does have. She's an amazing, loving, and wonderful woman, but she simply lacks the desire to do better.

I'd appreciate the insight from others that are/have been in a similar setting.

 

[Wiseman2]

Perhaps sit down with a financial advisor and accountant to figure out your plans and budgets. It's better if she hears it and discusses it with  appropriate professionals than you pressuring her about it. 

Please stop trying to fix and change and lecture her if you intend on staying happily married. If she's happy being who she is why are you trying to change her?

Edited August 11, 2023 by Wiseman2

[glows]

I don’t know if this is going to help. I’m a woman here and usually the main provider/higher income earner in relationships. I also earned more during my marriage and was completing a post grad at the time. I have never met anyone with the same mindset but also never imposed that in any of my relationships as I fully accepted my partners as they were.

Your wife sounds like she brings positive qualities and supports the family immeasurably. Lecturing certainly will not work as you’re taking on a parent/child dynamic telling her what she ought to do. I would never seek to change someone I have picked for their good qualities with added the fact that they earn less or have different goals. Ask her what matters to her most. You should know this but engage more with her to understand what motivates her.

Edited August 11, 2023 by glows

[stillafool]

Did you know she wasn't good with money before you married her?

[whysotough]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Perhaps sit down with a financial advisor and accountant to figure out your plans and budgets. It's better if she hears it and discusses it with  appropriate professionals than you pressuring her about it. 

Please stop trying to fix and change and lecture her if you intend on staying happily married. If she's happy being who she is why are you trying to change her?

Thank you for the honest truth.

I suppose I haven't been able to come to grips with the fact that this is simply how it will be and how she is.
I'm new to marriage, but I always imagined that we are supposed to encourage one another to do better. 

It's been a challenge for me to accept that while I'm working so hard to make our lives so much easier, she is not reciprocating. 
I would never ask her to leave her job, or to lead a more stressful life. She has tons of free time outside of work that is being wasted.  
 

[whysotough]

6 minutes ago, glows said:

I don’t know if this is going to help. I’m a woman here and usually the main provider/higher income earner in relationships. I also earned more during my marriage and was completing a post grad at the time. I have never met anyone with the same mindset but also never imposed that in any of my relationships as I fully accepted my partners as they were.

Your wife sounds like she brings positive qualities and supports the family immeasurably. Lecturing certainly will not work as you’re taking on a parent/child dynamic telling her what she ought to do. I would never seek to change someone I have picked for their good qualities with added the fact that they earn less or have different goals. Ask her what matters to her most. You should know this but engage more with her to understand what motivates her.

Thank you, and its certainly helpful.
It's not so much that I want her to have the same mindset as me, as much as it is that I would like to see her do even a little bit better with her spare time.
It's been hard for me to accept seeing her deplete everything she earns, eat into her savings, and see nothing wrong with it. 

I also have to note that I have no problems whatsoever with the fact that she earns a lot less than me; its simply seeing her do nothing more meaningful with all the time she does have. 
I have tried so many ways to motivate her, but have failed miserably so far. 
 

[whysotough]

16 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Did you know she wasn't good with money before you married her?

I honestly did not know it was this bad no.
Her family are a little bit more old fashioned and so we didn't live together until we got married.

Nevertheless, I wouldn't give up a happy marriage and a loving wife over this. 
It is something that bothers me alot however. 

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, whysotough said:

 I'm working so hard to make our lives so much easier, 

Trying to fix and change her and insist she get more degrees and higher paying jobs to suit you is not making anyone's life "easier".  Set up a reasonable household budget. 

[whysotough]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Trying to fix and change her and insist she get more degrees and higher paying jobs to suit you is not making anyone's life "easier".  Set up a reasonable household budget. 

Thank you.

I distinctively have said to her, and also to you on that post that I would not ask her to try and get a different job, I dont think she should leave where she works since she's happy there.

What I meant by trying to make our lives easier is that we have a very good life because I try to do the best for us. We have been on 6 vacations outside of the country in 12 months. 
I dont want her to get a higher paying job at all. I just want her to make better financial choices with the money she already makes. 
Nevertheless, I understand your point. Thank you for the insight. 

[mark clemson]

You have somewhat different "life priorities" and see things differently. Although I certainly hear you, it's also true that "financial freedom" is actually not interesting for some folks, who find more value in other things in their lives.

IMO this isn't something that's likely to change anytime soon. What you CAN do is slowly and diplomatically guide her into trying out some of the things you feel are important. This might work, might not, might help somewhat.

The good news here is, unlike some, she's willing and able to support herself. That's likely to stick. You may have to do much of the work towards the substantively more ambitious goals you seem to have yourself, with her supporting tangentially rather than directly. Bring her in by all means, but don't expect her to devote herself to those goals the way you do, as it's simply not core to who she is.

[whysotough]

15 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

You have somewhat different "life priorities" and see things differently. Although I certainly hear you, it's also true that "financial freedom" is actually not interesting for some folks, who find more value in other things in their lives.

IMO this isn't something that's likely to change anytime soon. What you CAN do is slowly and diplomatically guide her into trying out some of the things you feel are important. This might work, might not, might help somewhat.

The good news here is, unlike some, she's willing and able to support herself. That's likely to stick. You may have to do much of the work towards the substantively more ambitious goals you seem to have yourself, with her supporting tangentially rather than directly. Bring her in by all means, but don't expect her to devote herself to those goals the way you do, as it's simply not core to who she is.

Very insightfl.

Perhaps I am being defensive, but I dont entirely view what I am trying to help her do as "changing" her. I could be wrong (and probably am).
I believe these responsibilities and conscious decisions to make wiser decisions (wherever possible) is part of being an adult and of being responsible.

She's definitely able to support herself. I will try to slowly encourage her whilst also try and guide her so she can better understand where I am coming from.

As you'e said, ultimately, it may or may not work. 
Thank you.

 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, whysotough said:

I have every intention to fully fund our home, our child (in the future), but she has to do better for herself in order to contribute to more than just her own expenses.

If you love this woman as much as you say that you do, it shouldn’t matter if she chose to pursue a masters degree. Love her as she is, appreciate all that she brings to your life and to your family, and focus on your own goals and ambition. 

I appreciate that your intentions come from a good place - a place of love and a desire to see her live her best life. But, maybe that is what she is doing now. Who are you to decide what is best for her? As you have learned, she makes the decisions in her life, not you. 
 

4 hours ago, whysotough said:

I have tried so many ways to motivate her, but have failed miserably so far. 

For good reason, you are pushing your own agenda on your wife and you do not make the decisions - she does. Continue and you will create resentment over time. 

 

As to the family finances, the statement above makes very little sense. You say that you have every intention of paying for all family expenses but then you say - she needs to do better. She needs to contribute more. 

Do you not share the household and childcare expenses now? Is she not responsible for part of the cost of running the home and providing for your family? Because - if it’s been set up such that you are paying the bills and she is spending her own income at her own discretion - that needs to change. I would be curious to know how you got to this place? 

My suggestion - you make four times as much money that she does - get a joint account for joint household expenses and you contribute 3/4 of the cost of the mortgage and bills and she contributes 1/4 of the total cost. You will have to sit down and build a budget together, but your budget will guide your planning. Include in that budget some savings for home repairs and a rainy day fund/retirement savings if don’t have a pension plan. And then, whatever is left over is your own money to spend - at your own discretion. 

It makes no sense to keep your finances completely separate when you have many joint expenses. That said, everybody deserves to have their own money that they get to spend at their own discretion. 

It’s very heroic to say that you will pay all the expenses because you earn significantly more but that too builds resentment over time - does it not? She is a part of this family, you need to approach the management of your home and your finances as a team. I say - sit down and create a budget that you both feel comfortable with - help her to succeed by approaching this as the team that you are I stand of isolating her and shaming her for her lack of ambition and irresponsibility. 

 

[BaileyB]

49 minutes ago, whysotough said:

Perhaps I am being defensive, but I dont entirely view what I am trying to help her do as "changing" her.

When you suggest that she pursue a master degree or learn about investments - what do you think is the message that she hears? 

It’s one thing for you to want to budget together, have a plan for the financial management of the home/family, and a plan for retirement that is going to support the security and future of your family…

But, I would get that what she hears is - my husband thinks that I am not enough. He thinks that I’m not doing enough. And, if she is like most people, I believe the tendency would be to build resentment, to shut down, to eventually to resist and rebel. Shopping can be a very passive way of rebelling. Just food for thought…

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, whysotough said:

I believe these responsibilities and conscious decisions to make wiser decisions (wherever possible) is part of being an adult and of being responsible.

 

1 hour ago, whysotough said:

I will try to slowly encourage her whilst also try and guide her so she can better understand where I am coming from.

While I don’t disagree that financial responsibility is part of being an adult, but do you have any idea how condescending and disrespectful that first statement sounds? 

The second statement speaks to your true intentions… for her best interest, I’m going to guide her until she understands where I am coming from - and gets on board. It makes me think that you have a parent-child relationship. You are wiser and more responsible, so you are going to teach her how to grow and be more responsible.

You are married - you are a team. Work together to make the decisions that support the stability and security of your family and then let her be who she is - and love her for the person that you chose to marry. 

Edited August 11, 2023 by BaileyB

[whysotough]

13 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

If you love this woman as much as you say that you do, it shouldn’t matter if she chose to pursue a masters degree. Love her as she is, appreciate all that she brings to your life and to your family, and focus on your own goals and ambition. 

I appreciate that your intentions come from a good place - a place of love and a desire to see her live her best life. But, maybe that is what she is doing now. Who are you to decide what is best for her? As you have learned, she makes the decisions in her life, not you. 
 

For good reason, you are pushing your own agenda on your wife and you do not make the decisions - she does. Continue and you will create resentment over time. 

 

As to the family finances, the statement above makes very little sense. You say that you have every intention of paying for all family expenses but then you say - she needs to do better. She needs to contribute more. 

Do you not share the household and childcare expenses now? Is she not responsible for part of the cost of running the home and providing for your family? Because - if it’s been set up such that you are paying the bills and she is spending her own income at her own discretion - that needs to change. I would be curious to know how you got to this place? 

My suggestion - you make four times as much money that she does - get a joint account for joint household expenses and you contribute 3/4 of the cost of the mortgage and bills and she contributes 1/4 of the total cost. You will have to sit down and build a budget together, but your budget will guide your planning. Include in that budget some savings for home repairs and a rainy day fund/retirement savings if don’t have a pension plan. And then, whatever is left over is your own money to spend - at your own discretion. 

It makes no sense to keep your finances completely separate when you have many joint expenses. That said, everybody deserves to have their own money that they get to spend at their own discretion. 

It’s very heroic to say that you will pay all the expenses because you earn significantly more but that too builds resentment over time - does it not? She is a part of this family, you need to approach the management of your home and your finances as a team. I say - sit down and create a budget that you both feel comfortable with - help her to succeed by approaching this as the team that you are I stand of isolating her and shaming her for her lack of ambition and irresponsibility. 

 

 

Thank you for taking the time to reply very thoroughly with both your posts.
I absolutely agree with you, I do not make decisions for her or decide whats best for her. Where I am troubled is that my decisions to be wiser with my income ultimately is for her as well. Its for our best and not mine alone. I think that the issue is that I expect that to be reciprocated. I assure you if I lived the way she did with spending all my income, and not worrying about her, or our future, and hopefully our child in the very near future, then we would have bigger problems.

Regarding the finances. I have paid off the house. I pay for all our vacations.  We dont keep a tab on who pays for dinners or when we go out (I almost always do).
She pays for her own expenses. Meal plans(on week days), yoga, etc, hair saloons, etc.
We dont have a kid yet but we won't be sharing those expenses, I will be paying for the child. I'm totally okay with that. I make more money, we choose to have a child and and so I have no problems with being the only one that pays for the child. 

Its not at all about it heroic honestly. I love her and she deserves the best. She's my childhood best friend and has loved me long before I was successful. 
I dont want her to bring in more money through a new or better job, but at least to spend less on unnecessary expenses of her own would be a great start. 
As I've mentioned, she depletes her income and eats into her savings. 

Reading your message though, I have to admit that we dont have a clear and solid system on who contributes where. We have to come up with that and I'm so glad you brought that up.

Your follow up post is also very insightful. I certainly dont want her to be resentful or to think she's not enough.
I've never had an issue with how much she earns, but just how much she spends (unnecessarily), and how little she cares to do better in her free time. 
It is tricky to balance encouraging her, vs not letting her feel like she's not enough.

The reality of the matter is, alot of people make poor financial choices and are in a bad position later in life.
Some people are never given a fair shot, and others really just set themselves up for failure. She is off the latter, and I find it hard to simply watch her do that and accept it, because thats whats "best" for her. 

I find that we have to do whats best for each other and for our soon family in the near future. 

 

[whysotough]

21 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

 

While I don’t disagree that financial responsibility is part of being an adult, but do you have any idea how condescending and disrespectful that first statement sounds? 

The second statement speaks to your true intentions… for her best interest, I’m going to guide her until she understands where I am coming from - and gets on board. It makes me think that you have a parent-child relationship. You are wiser and more responsible, so you are going to teach her how to grow and be more responsible.

You are married - you are a team. Work together to make the decisions that support the stability and security of your family and then let her be who she is - and love her for the person that you chose to marry. 

English is not my first language, but quite honestly I don't see how it is condescending to say that we have to be responsible adults.

Your second point I appreciate very much. Your'e absolutely correct. 
Perhaps its difficult to explain everything in one post, but we dont have a parent-child relationship. We're very close, and there are tons of things she's much better than me at where I always ask her advice or help.
I am better at cutting back on unnecessary expenses though, and at being a little wiser with money. I've learned and continue to learn these skills from others that are better than me though. 

[BaileyB]

25 minutes ago, whysotough said:

it is condescending to say that we have to be responsible adults.

I don’t disagree with you that she is behaving irresponsibly, but she is still an adult - entitled to make her own decisions. And she will deal with the consequences of her decisions - either she will get herself (and you by extension) into debt, or she will have an unhappy unhappy husband (she she has). 

It is a bit of a character assassination, which is very hurtful in any marriage. “I love her dearly and she deserves the best, but…” and then, you then go on to complain about her irresponsible spending, give your opinion of how a “responsible adult” would behave, and bemoan the fact that your income goes toward the family while she spends selfishly. 

 

33 minutes ago, whysotough said:

Where I am troubled is that my decisions to be wiser with my income ultimately is for her as well. Its for our best and not mine alone. I think that the issue is that I expect that to be reciprocated.

There is another example of the subtle under tone… my decisions are wise and for the her benefit as well as mine. While she… well, let me tell you about how irresponsible and immature she is… not what one would expect of an adult. 

I’m not saying this to be unkind, I’m just telling you how this reads to me. How it’s perceived. 

What is the expectation in her family of origin? Did her mother work? Did her father pay all the bills? How does culture influence the situation? 
 

33 minutes ago, whysotough said:

Regarding the finances. I have paid off the house. I pay for all our vacations.  We dont keep a tab on who pays for dinners or when we go out (I almost always do).
She pays for her own expenses. Meal plans(on week days), yoga, etc, hair saloons, etc.
We dont have a kid yet but we won't be sharing those expenses, I will be paying for the child. I'm totally okay with that. I make more money, we choose to have a child and and so I have no problems with being the only one that pays for the child. 

Do you see the double standard here? I am fine paying for everything - but I expect her to contribute more and I’m resentful that she doesn’t. Have you told her what you expect and had a discussion about the family finances, as I previously suggested? Or, is this just an unsaid expectation that you have?

And may I kindly suggest, if this is the way that it is - that you pay all expenses and her income is basically disposable income - the situation is as much your fault as hers. You can’t play the white knight and assume all responsibility for the financial support of the family and then complain that she is not contributing and wasting her money…

Either you change your expectations and work out a plan to share the expense or you continue to shoulder the burden and allow her to do her own thing… as you have done to date. That’s your decision, in my humble opinion. 

 

Edited August 11, 2023 by BaileyB

[MsJayne]

5 hours ago, whysotough said:

Her family are a little bit more old fashioned and so we didn't live together until we got married.

Was her father always the main breadwinner in their family? I ask because this might be part of the issue with her spending habits. For many women who've grown up in an environment where the man is the main provider an according mindset develops, where there's an assumption that  the man is responsible for the big things, like houses, cars, travel, children's education expense, etc. Strangely, in a society where women are considered equal to men, there are still many women who've been indoctrinated with this belief and they never question it, (why would they, it's great set up if you're the woman and get to spend most of your earnings on frivolous stuff because the man's picking up the tab for the cost of living), they literally have been trained to believe that it's their right to be carried by a man. The other factor that might be at play is that your income dwarfs hers, so she may be under the impression that by comparison she's earning peanuts and any contribution she might make is so insignificant that it's negligible and will make no real difference. Whatever the reason, lecturing won't help, it will just come across as you being Father Knows Best, and that actually reinforces the stereotype of the man being in charge and responsible for everything. As someone else said, best person to deliver the message is a financial advisor. 

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

For many women who've grown up in an environment where the man is the main provider an according mindset develops, where there's an assumption that  the man is responsible for the big things, like houses, cars, travel, children's education expense, etc.

And to be fair, she has a husband who says - It’s fine. I pay for the house, the vacations, I will pay all the expenses for our child… I got this. I think many women would hear that and say - sounds great! Especially if that is the cultural expectation or the experience  in her family of origin. 

Edited August 11, 2023 by BaileyB

[whysotough]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

The subtle innuendo is that she is not a (responsible) adult because she is spending very selfishly and recklessly. While she pay be spending recklessly, she is still an adult - entitled to make her own deductions. She will deal with the consequences of her decisions - either she will get herself (and you by extension) into debt, or she will have an unhappy unhappy husband (she she has). 

It’s the subtle undertone, the backhanded compliment, that’s condescending. “I love her dearly and she deserves the best, but…” and then, if I may be blunt, you then go on to complain about her irresponsible spending, give your opinion of how a “responsible adult” would behave, and bemoan the fact that your income goes toward the family while she spends selfishly. 

 

There is another example of the subtle under tone… my decisions are wise and for the her benefit as well as mine. While she… well, let me tell you about how irresponsible and immature she is… not what one would expect of an adult. 

I’m not saying this to be unkind, I’m just telling you how this reads to me. How it’s perceived. 

What is the expectation in her family of origin? Did her mother work? Did her father pay all the bills? How does culture influence the situation? 
 

Do you see the double standard here? I am fine paying for everything - but I expect her to contribute more and I’m resentful that she doesn’t. Have you told her what you expect and had a discussion about the family finances, as I previously suggested? Or, is this just an unsaid expectation that you have?

And may I kindly suggest, if this is the way that it is - that you pay all expenses and her income is basically disposable income - the situation is as much your fault as hers. You can’t play the white night and assume all responsibility for the financial support of the family and then complain that she is not contributing and wasting her money…

Either you change your expectations and work out a plan to share the expense or you continue to shoulder the burden and allow her to do her own thing… as you have done to date. That’s your decision, in my humble opinion. 

 

 

I see your point, thank you.

Not unkind at all, very thorough and that's why I brought this issue to the forum. I appreciate it. 
Her mother did work, and her father actually stopped working and contributing to the household all together when she was in her early teens.
Her mother took all the financial burden, paid for school, university, and took care of everything.

I have spoken to her before, but what I haven't done is come up with a plan as you've suggested. I believe you are right in saying that it's as much my fault as it is hers, since we never had a clear setup on the finances.
In my mind it was hard for me to have her contribute to primary expenses when she was eating into her savings without doing so. What I didn't think of is that she's potentially eating into her savings because we've not had a clear system where she is contributing to our expenses.

Thank you for the insight!

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, whysotough said:

In my mind it was hard for me to have her contribute to primary expenses when she was eating into her savings without doing so.

Maybe she would make different decisions and learn not to eat into her savings if she had other responsibilities to prioritize…

I mean, those who have no responsibility tend to behave irresponsibly - don’t you think? 

 

6 minutes ago, whysotough said:

What I didn't think of is that she's potentially eating into her savings because we've not had a clear system where she is contributing to our expenses.

Bingo! 

She should still have her own Monty to spend and you should allow her to spend it however she likes. If she goes into debt, that’s another conversation for another day… But, she should be contributing to the family finances - she has no “ownership” and she is not part of the “team” of she doesn’t. 
 

8 minutes ago, whysotough said:

Her mother did work, and her father actually stopped working and contributing to the household all together when she was in her early teens.
Her mother took all the financial burden, paid for school, university, and took care of everything.

Perhaps, having that experience and seeing the stress that her mother must have felt she has gone the other direction - because her husband earns significantly more than she does and you have assumed the responsibility of providing for her/paying the bills. I can imagine that is a huge relief for her. Perhaps it’s such a relief that she has just let you shoulder the burden entirely…

[whysotough]

10 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Was her father always the main breadwinner in their family? I ask because this might be part of the issue with her spending habits. For many women who've grown up in an environment where the man is the main provider an according mindset develops, where there's an assumption that  the man is responsible for the big things, like houses, cars, travel, children's education expense, etc. Strangely, in a society where women are considered equal to men, there are still many women who've been indoctrinated with this belief and they never question it, (why would they, it's great set up if you're the woman and get to spend most of your earnings on frivolous stuff because the man's picking up the tab for the cost of living), they literally have been trained to believe that it's their right to be carried by a man. The other factor that might be at play is that your income dwarfs hers, so she may be under the impression that by comparison she's earning peanuts and any contribution she might make is so insignificant that it's negligible and will make no real difference. Whatever the reason, lecturing won't help, it will just come across as you being Father Knows Best, and that actually reinforces the stereotype of the man being in charge and responsible for everything. As someone else said, best person to deliver the message is a financial advisor. 

As I mentioned above in response to BaileyB. Both her parents were working, and her father stopped working when she was in her early teens. Her mother took up all the financial burdens of the children.
I don't pay for her car, or personal expenses. I pay for our vacations because we would otherwise not travel as frequently, something we both wanted to do as much as we can,  before we start a family.
Financial advisor definitely sounds like the right way to go. 
 

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, whysotough said:

 unnecessary expenses 

Agree you both need to sit down with a qualified financial planner and accountant. This way tax and savings and investment strategies can be appropriately managed.

Be very careful about "unnecessary expenses", that is subjective. Maybe she enjoys yoga, spas or whatever. Maybe you spend on what's important to you. For example she may think what you spend on cars or tech or sports is "unnecessary". 

A good financial planner will be able to help you achieve short term, intermediate term and long range goals.

However policing her spending (her money) and referring to her as " ignorant" could be very costly if she eventually files for divorce because you don't respect her.

People have differing financial styles. You two would actually be wise to invest in marriage counseling as well to communicate better and discontinue controlling or parent- child dynamics.

[whysotough]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Maybe she would make different decisions and learn not to eat into her savings if she had other responsibilities to prioritize…

I mean, those who have no responsibility tend to behave irresponsibly - don’t you think? 

 

Bingo! 

She should still have her own Monty to spend and you should allow her to spend it however she likes. If she goes into debt, that’s another conversation for another day… But, she should be contributing to the family finances - she has no “ownership” and she is not part of the “team” of she doesn’t. 
 

Perhaps, having that experience and seeing the stress that her mother must have felt she has gone the other direction - because her husband earns significantly more than she does and you have assumed the responsibility of providing for her/paying the bills. I can imagine that is a huge relief for her. Perhaps it’s such a relief that she has just let you shoulder the burden entirely…

Loud and clear! Thank you

Re that last part. It's all possible of course. 
She's a very generous woman. I've known her as my best friend for the last 16 years. When we were in high school, she grew up in a more privileged family even when her mother was the sole provider at home. Her mother did very well for herself and her children. Her father was a liability and her mother kept bailing him from the debt. 

Nevertheless, my wife always saved up to get me the gifts I could never afford to buy myself.
Even before we got married, she is the type of woman that would give me everything she has. I hope I haven't made her sound like she's taking advantage of me.

You are right in saying that I have done this myself by giving her the luxury of not having a clear system where she pays for our bills. I dont pay for her personal bills(car, phone plan, meal plans, etc), but I do pay for most of ours.  

[BaileyB]

Personally, I would approach it from a very kind place - “As we settle into married life together, before we have children, let’s develop a plan together that will support both our goals in life and the stability of our family. Let’s be sure we are on the same page about our finances.“

Be prepared, she will have different goals than you do because she is a different person. That’s ok - support her as she supports you. Appreciate all that she brings to the marriage, she sounds like a lovely woman. But, the one thing that you should hopefully agree upon is that the stability and harmony of your family is the highest priority for you both! Find a way to work together toward that goal, and you will be golden. Point fingers and call her irresponsible and it won’t go well for you…

Best wishes.

Edited August 11, 2023 by BaileyB