Newly married, and my wife's financial illiteracy/ignorance is driving me nuts

[MicheleT]

Does your wife buy grocery?  Does she cook?  What % of housework does she contribute?  

Bailey’s idea about her contributing to 1/4 of your joint expenses was exactly what I had in mind!  

If savings are so important, why can’t you cut your yearly international trips from 6 down to 2 or 3?

Tbh, I felt suffocated reading the bit about your wanting her to do a masters degree to “better herself” and to “make better use of her time.”  I’m afraid you would still demand and dictate how she could do better even if she’s doing an Ph.D. at an Ivy League.  (I know this, as that’s exactly what my ex-bf was doing to me — and that’s why he’s an ex!)

Edited August 11, 2023 by MicheleT

[whysotough]

10 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Personally, I would approach it from a very kind place - “As we settle into married life together, before we have children, let’s develop a plan together that will support both our goals in life and the stability of our family. Let’s be sure we are on the same page about our finances.“

Be prepared, she will have different goals than you do because she is a different person. That’s ok - support her as she supports you. Appreciate all that she brings to the marriage, she sounds like a lovely woman. But, the one thing that you should hopefully agree upon is that the stability and harmony of your family is the highest priority for you both! Find a way to work together toward that goal, and you will be golden. Point fingers and call her irresponsible and it won’t go well for you…

Best wishes.

Thank you, and thank you for all the valuable insight.

Best wishes to you! 

[MicheleT]

To add, I wouldn’t even say she’s financially irresponsible.  She probably thinks her husband is making a very good living, so she doesn’t need to save.  I know there’re women in her situation who don’t even need to work!

[whysotough]

3 minutes ago, MicheleT said:

Does your wife buy grocery?  Does she cook?  What % of housework does she contribute?  

Bailey’s idea about her contributing to 1/4 of your joint expenses was exactly what I had in mind!  

If savings are so important, why can’t you cut your yearly international trips from 6 down to 2 or 3?

Tbh, I felt suffocated reading the bit about your wanting her to do a masters degree to “better herself” and to “make better use of her time.”  I’m afraid you would still demand and dictate how she could do better even if she’s doing an Ph.D. at an Ivy League.  (I know this, as that’s exactly what my ex-bf was doing to me — and that’s why he’s an ex!)

She does buy basic groceries, she doesn't cook too much, just breakfast on weekends. I would say she contributes to 60% since I dont cook either. 

1/4 is an excellent idea and like Bailey mentioned, we need to come up with a clear system.

The truth is that II have to work more on myself with this matter in accepting that she's not interested and that that's okay. 

[basil67]

8 hours ago, whysotough said:

I would like to see her do even a little bit better with her spare time.

Our spare time is where we do the things which bring us pleasure.  To read books, watch movies, be creative, browse the internet, computer gaming, have a nap, socialise.   

If she starts to use that for something you'd like her to be doing, then it ceases to be spare time. 

Edited August 11, 2023 by basil67

[Weezy1973]

I know everybody’s different but it always strikes me as odd when married couples don’t completely join their finances. Part of the mentality coming across is that there is  “my money” and “her money”. If it was all “our money” then you can start budgeting together. 250k per year for the family. What goes towards retirement savings? What goes towards home maintenance? What goes towards savings for the kids education? All of these are joint expenses. And as long as she doesn’t throw away money on frivolous things, you won’t have to police her spending. Nor should you want to. 

[Els]

Not everyone is interested in being "financially free" or in spending their leisure time hustling. If you want a person who does that, that's a valid preference, but why would you marry a person who's clearly NOT and then expect her to change?

Just so you're aware, what you're expecting of her is not something that is universally viewed as positive. It's an extremely subjective and individual thing that YOU view as positive, but not everyone does. Personally I would absolutely not marry a person who needs to be spending all of their spare time on investing or side hustles. I'd much rather go on just one trip a year and have a partner who is actually present in my everyday life, not constantly on the phone checking stocks or trying to convince me to invest while I try to engage in quality time with them. 6 trips a year is just excessive IMO, and I don't understand how anyone would mention that and also "financial responsibility" in the same breath.

My husband and I are not "financially free" - we work for our living, but we are also gainfully employed, enjoy our jobs, can afford a few luxuries, and have no debt. To me, that's absolutely enough. If that's not enough for you, you should have decided this before marrying her.

Edited August 12, 2023 by Els

[Alpacalia]

Stop lecturing her. You make more money than her and that can lead to feelings of inequity or resentment.

I was in a relationship with someone where I made more and he was similar to your wife. Ultimately, I lost respect for him because of this.

Instead, set an example for her. Show her the value of financial literacy, sound investments, and a strong financial future. She will probably not be eager to learn or understand it all, but if she sees you living and enjoying a life that includes financial literacy she'll be more likely to emulate it.

She has her limitations and she has free will to make her own choices. Don't take those decisions away from her by demanding better decisions. For example, it may help to have discussions focusing on financial decisions before they're made (budgeting, buying something, etc.). You can practice having these conversations without judgement and she can come to her own conclusions on her own time. At the end of the day, we can't change anyone else. We can only lead by example and be supportive.

Good luck!

[JTSW]

I say this as kindly as I possibly can, but leave her alone for god sake.

She is happy, she has a decent paying job that she loves and doesn't stress her.

Honestly, having a husband like you that's so incredibly pushy would drive me nuts.

You will inevitably push her away if you continue this crap OP and it will leave you full of regret.

There is only so much a person can take

[IrinaM]

Just to clarify:

You live in a paid off home.

You have no children.

You have taken 6 trips over the last year.

You make 200k/year.

The vast majority of women in such a cushy lifestyle don't work at all. Honestly most men making that kind of money and with a paid house probably don't want their wife working. But your wife does work, and she makes 50k a year, which is above average income here in the states, and it's at a job that she loves. So you have 250k coming in to your household, but you're worried about money? Why? You don't even having a housing payment.

You say the problem is her spending habits, and that she's spending all "her savings." If she has such bad spending habits, how does she have a savings account? Also, if the problem is frivolous spending, how would a masters degree or capital to start a business change her spending habits? Which is it-the problem is the money going out or the money coming in?

Did you two ever discuss her career goals before you got married? It seems like you want to be half of a "power couple," with a wife who pulls in income equivalent to yours. It's a little late to decide that now.

 

[Els]

13 hours ago, IrinaM said:

So you have 250k coming in to your household, but you're worried about money? Why?

I'm guessing that 6 trips a year aren't enough, maybe he wants 10 lol.