GF ghosting [combined threads]

[ExpatInItaly]

I think she hasn't yet worked up the courage to tell you that it's over, and that's why she's dodging your attempts to communicate. 

The way she is handling this is abysmal, but it's your cue that this is not the right woman for you. She is being very unfair to leave you twisting in the wind on your own, with no clarity and no hint of what is happening on her end. 

This isn't a woman who is ready to be someone's partner. I'm sorry. 

[Alpacalia]

I am really sorry that you are going through this. It sounds like you had a great relationship and you felt a lot of love for each other, and for that to be dismissed with little explanation is really hard. She has definitely hurt you, whether it was intentional or not, and that pain is valid. No way is what she is doing to you fair, or even remotely OK.

I would not suggest forgiving her at this point. You don't have to give her speech on why you are mad or why it is not OK, but you have every right to express your hurt and confusion and to not be in contact with her. She's stringing you along through her silence and you don't need that. If she is not taking the time to make the effort to talk to you, it's probably for the best that you don't waste your breath or energy trying to change her mind because she's already made up her mind in that this relationship isn't a priority for her.

Edited August 16, 2023 by Alpacalia

[ShyViolet]

OP, this is ridiculous at this point.  She doesn't want to continue the relationship, but is too cowardly to just come right out and break up with you, so instead she is avoiding you.  It's time to exit this situation once and for all.  The relationship is over.  You can either send her a text officially "breaking up" with her, if that gives you more closure, or just do not contact her again, block her, and leave it at that.  Don't let this continue to drag out.  If she refuses to make the decision then you have to be the one to make the decision.

[Trail Blazer]

I've been in a somewhat similar situation and it's incredibly frustrating.  I'm a little more pushy than you, and I can't really handle this sort of stuff too well, so for me, I'm inclined to end it.

When I went through it with an ex, she was giving me the slow fade.  When I challenged her on it, she eventually responded and admitted that she was "creating space" to process things.

I called BS and said we needed to talk.  She welcomed it, knowing that it would end.  I did all the talking, she agreed that we couldn't go on and that was that.  

Your girlfriend is 44-years-old.  This sort of behavior is pathetic.  I'm really sorry you're going through this, but I've always been a believer in that people don't tell you the person they are, they show you, and unfortunately it's taken her six months but now you know.

 

[JTSW]

19 hours ago, ChatroomHero said:

At this point in my life, I know there is no way I could ever trust anyone in a relationship again. I could be seeing someone for 2 years but I would always expect one day they'd just randomly disappear without explanation so I can't imagine ever getting that far along before I bail on a red flag. If I texted or called and they didn't respond the same day or took a few hours, I would be out immediately. I know I will never give anyone else the benefit of the doubt. I will not commit to anyone in a relationship. If they told me they loved me, I'd think, "Yeah, sure, today you do but that doesn't mean tomorrow". If they rescheduled plans even once, I'd move on.

There's nothing they could ever say that would make me feel comfortable or really trust them and I know that wouldn't be fair to someone else, so that pretty much sucks because I know I won't allow anything to get to that point because either I would get hurt or I would hurt them, there would never be any other outcome. I know myself and I know I will never see a value in any relationship again, I'd just be waiting for the other shoe to drop even if it was 10 years down the road.

This all really worries me.

Based on one woman who is too cowardly to be honest with you, you are writing off any other future relationship.

I understand that this has hurt your trust, but I can assure you that not all women are like this.

What she is doing and the way she is treating you is disgusting.

She won't reach out without some sort of prompting from you so just drop the rope.

Don't reach out to her again (odds are really high that you won't hear from her again if you didn't initiate).

There is no future with this woman and I think your right about her still being with her ex.

You are the one person she should be honest with and talk to about anything, but she is completely avoids you.

Please don't give up on the prospect of a finding a good woman.

She's just not it.

 

[ChatroomHero]

2 hours ago, JTSW said:

This all really worries me.

Based on one woman who is too cowardly to be honest with you, you are writing off any other future relationship.

I understand that this has hurt your trust, but I can assure you that not all women are like this.

What she is doing and the way she is treating you is disgusting.

She won't reach out without some sort of prompting from you so just drop the rope.

Don't reach out to her again (odds are really high that you won't hear from her again if you didn't initiate).

There is no future with this woman and I think your right about her still being with her ex.

You are the one person she should be honest with and talk to about anything, but she is completely avoids you.

Please don't give up on the prospect of a finding a good woman.

She's just not it.

 

It's really not just her, it's been women in the past too but I chalked that up to "some people" but by virtue of the fact I am not dating any of my old girlfriends, the shoe always dropped in those relationships too and ghosting was a common theme. But with this one it felt like if someone were to switch a lottery ticket you bought yourself with a fake one that said you won $10 million but didn't just laugh and say, "Gotcha!", instead they staged the award ceremony at the lottery office and deposited $10 million in your bank account and then only after 6 months, took it all back and said, "Gotcha!"... I'd bet you wouldn't ever trust a major lottery win going forward even if you really, really wanted to. 

Call it PTSD or whatever but the effect will always be there and it won't be controllable. If the next girl I date is perfect, 4 months in we are exclusive and she professes her love to me, if I text her one day and don't hear until the next day it's deep wired that I will next out of there. Or let's say I let that go, it will still deep down bother me but I let the first one go. Then it happens again 2 months down the road and the first one comes back up in my mind too. Then a month later she goes on a trip and doesn't call for 2 days, maybe legit, maybe not. No matter what I do or what I try to think, after day 1, there is no way I will not check out to some extent and lose trust. It wouldn't be fair to me and it may or may not be fair to her, that I know what my reaction will be. Ultimately it would be like she was living under my microscope whether she knew it or not and that definitely wouldn't be fair to her.

"You are the one person she should be honest with and talk to about anything"

I think this is the main issue. Dating anyone else you go through the process of proving that statement is true before you can actually commit. The next woman I date won't get there with me for who knows how long but maybe even 2 years down the road I won't fully trust her and I wouldn't expect many to stick around that long until I say I trust them and commit. So not wanting to do that to another person and knowing that is how it will play out, it's a little more than based on just one rejection. This one got there and I was wrong. No matter the situation, I'd be hard pressed to think of any way the next one could "prove" she is the one and will be honest and talk about anything.

If the way to earn trust is doing steps 1-10 consistently, she did steps 1-10 consistently until all of the sudden, one day she stopped. The next one is going to have to do steps 1-20 consistently for a longer time before I feel the other shoe won't drop on any given day. I don't think that would ultimately end in an enjoyable relationship so not committing and being upfront about it is the only way it's going to work realistically and fairly for both of us.

I appreciate the advice.

 

[ChatroomHero]

8 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

I've been in a somewhat similar situation and it's incredibly frustrating.  I'm a little more pushy than you, and I can't really handle this sort of stuff too well, so for me, I'm inclined to end it.

When I went through it with an ex, she was giving me the slow fade.  When I challenged her on it, she eventually responded and admitted that she was "creating space" to process things.

I called BS and said we needed to talk.  She welcomed it, knowing that it would end.  I did all the talking, she agreed that we couldn't go on and that was that.  

Your girlfriend is 44-years-old.  This sort of behavior is pathetic.  I'm really sorry you're going through this, but I've always been a believer in that people don't tell you the person they are, they show you, and unfortunately it's taken her six months but now you know.

 

Yeah, what she did was so out of character I have a hard time describing how much out of character it was.

I messaged her and let her know I pretty much know what is going on and I am going to move on so she can go do what she needs to do to be happy and I'll remove the stress of our situation. I asked she call me today so we can end it on friendly terms and not in an ugly way and not drag out the hurt and let both of us move on cleanly. Either she calls or doesn't call but either way I'll put it to rest.

[Trail Blazer]

1 hour ago, ChatroomHero said:

Yeah, what she did was so out of character I have a hard time describing how much out of character it was.

I messaged her and let her know I pretty much know what is going on and I am going to move on so she can go do what she needs to do to be happy and I'll remove the stress of our situation. I asked she call me today so we can end it on friendly terms and not in an ugly way and not drag out the hurt and let both of us move on cleanly. Either she calls or doesn't call but either way I'll put it to rest.

So sorry, bud, but that sounds like the only way forward.  Chin up, take care of yourself and don't lose hope.  The next woman you meet could well be 'the one'.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, ChatroomHero said:

It's really not just her, it's been women in the past too but I chalked that up to "some people" but by virtue of the fact I am not dating any of my old girlfriends, the shoe always dropped in those relationships too and ghosting was a common theme. But with this one it felt like if someone were to switch a lottery ticket you bought yourself with a fake one that said you won $10 million but didn't just laugh and say, "Gotcha!", instead they staged the award ceremony at the lottery office and deposited $10 million in your bank account and then only after 6 months, took it all back and said, "Gotcha!"... I'd bet you wouldn't ever trust a major lottery win going forward even if you really, really wanted to. 

Call it PTSD or whatever but the effect will always be there and it won't be controllable. If the next girl I date is perfect, 4 months in we are exclusive and she professes her love to me, if I text her one day and don't hear until the next day it's deep wired that I will next out of there. Or let's say I let that go, it will still deep down bother me but I let the first one go. Then it happens again 2 months down the road and the first one comes back up in my mind too. Then a month later she goes on a trip and doesn't call for 2 days, maybe legit, maybe not. No matter what I do or what I try to think, after day 1, there is no way I will not check out to some extent and lose trust. It wouldn't be fair to me and it may or may not be fair to her, that I know what my reaction will be. Ultimately it would be like she was living under my microscope whether she knew it or not and that definitely wouldn't be fair to her.

"You are the one person she should be honest with and talk to about anything"

I think this is the main issue. Dating anyone else you go through the process of proving that statement is true before you can actually commit. The next woman I date won't get there with me for who knows how long but maybe even 2 years down the road I won't fully trust her and I wouldn't expect many to stick around that long until I say I trust them and commit. So not wanting to do that to another person and knowing that is how it will play out, it's a little more than based on just one rejection. This one got there and I was wrong. No matter the situation, I'd be hard pressed to think of any way the next one could "prove" she is the one and will be honest and talk about anything.

If the way to earn trust is doing steps 1-10 consistently, she did steps 1-10 consistently until all of the sudden, one day she stopped. The next one is going to have to do steps 1-20 consistently for a longer time before I feel the other shoe won't drop on any given day. I don't think that would ultimately end in an enjoyable relationship so not committing and being upfront about it is the only way it's going to work realistically and fairly for both of us.

I appreciate the advice.

 

It's going to take time to rebuild trust, but don't let the fear stop you from putting yourself out there and meeting someone again.

I'm really no one to talk, after an ex betrayed me it took me so long to build up the trust to love someone new. I find that trying to look for healthy qualities in the person you date can help in the trust building process. You don't want to compare the next person to others but look at if they say what they do and vice versa.

Finding consistency in who they are, what they say and how they act can bring back the trust. You don't need to try to start from 0, maybe start from an 8 and work your way up, you can put your best foot forward and be honest about your expectations for the next relationship and take it slow.

I feel another key to remember is that people are going to make mistakes, and people are going to disappoint you and you can deal with that when the time comes.

I'm really sorry this happened to you after what looked to be a loving 6 month relationship. Give yourself permission to be hesitant but I wish the best for you.

Edited August 17, 2023 by Alpacalia

[ShyViolet]

On 8/16/2023 at 10:09 AM, ChatroomHero said:

I'm hurt, sad, angry and depressed at the same time. At this point in my life, I know there is no way I could ever trust anyone in a relationship again. I could be seeing someone for 2 years but I would always expect one day they'd just randomly disappear without explanation so I can't imagine ever getting that far along before I bail on a red flag. If I texted or called and they didn't respond the same day or took a few hours, I would be out immediately. I know I will never give anyone else the benefit of the doubt. I will not commit to anyone in a relationship. If they told me they loved me, I'd think, "Yeah, sure, today you do but that doesn't mean tomorrow". If they rescheduled plans even once, I'd move on.

 I know myself and I know I will never see a value in any relationship again, I'd just be waiting for the other shoe to drop even if it was 10 years down the road.

You're not thinking clearly right now.  Now is not the time to decide whether you will ever date again.  Just focus on getting through this breakup and moving past it.  If you decide to date again in the future, you will cross that bridge when you come to it.  It's a little extreme to make a declaration that you will never, ever date again.

[Ageless Wisdom23]

I feel it is rude of her to just Ghost you like this.  Maybe she is trying to find a reason to tell you it is time you both slow down in this relationship.  She may not be ready.  On the other Hand, If she got up with her Ex to help move things for Her, They may have had a talk about things that she is not ready to tell you.  Wait to see if she replies to you.  I'd be ready for whatever.....😦

[Lisa]

Thread closed at OP's request

[Left in a Lurch]

I recently was in a relationship that was perfect.

She doesn't work right now but the last couple of weeks we were seeing each other she seemed maybe a little stressed but she is pretty closed off and doesn't open up much. She came over one night weeks back and we had a fun night. She was a little quiet but affectionate. She went home that night and basically it played out after that, that she has been very avoidant since and ended things by basically chastising me for saying I was in love with her, we weren't on the same page, we can only be friends. She was unusually angry and pissed off at me, never once we were angry and we never argued about anything.

I asked if I could still text her and she said "we'll see." At this point I didn't know what to say, she had messaged me she loved me like 6 days prior and now I felt her cold attitude was pretty uncharacteristic.

I have texted her a bit, she responds with a little detail but not about us, just what's going on in her day. I have been a bit up and down and did the typical little b thing...can you tell me what is going on, I really cared about you and we went from 100 to 0 overnight...texts. I asked a couple of times to meet for an hour somewhere to just discuss. My requests have been sidestepped and ignored. She will respond to my texts maybe every couple of days with mundane chat.

I have multiple friends that know us, that are perplexed too. All of them have the same conclusion and based on things I know, she is possibly going through something akin to financial blackmail between her and her ex. I think that is the most likely reason but I also think she must really dislike an disrespect me to show and tell me I meant nothing to her. (I know she is not back with her ex). Mutual friends have said give her a few weeks and reach out...let her reach out to you when her stress dies down...etc but it has been 2 weeks and I don't expect she has thought about me more than 2 minutes in those 2 weeks which really hurts.

I just know this, for me,  they never come back and I have always backed away and "let them figure it out" which has never worked. With me, I would explain it as if I never left a toilet seat up in her house, and after a year of dating , if one day I left it up, she would be like, "Get out!". And for me, it's NEVER like, oh, she's just mad, I'll give her time and talk to her when she cools down and things are ok...with me it's ALWAYS immediately over and they never want to speak with me again. The tough part is I am pretty down the middle and they know if they just told me what was actually happening, I would handle it calmly.

I feel like this has happened a crazy number of times to me over the years. They hurt me as bad as they possibly could when there was no need, so it is on some level intentional. 

I guess I have a couple of questions:

How do other people in a committed relationship ever have a woman get mad at something big or small and get her to forgive them? I know when I have at least deep connection and they are emotionally invested too but they seem to never have any issue forgetting about me almost immediately. For me unlike most other's I have seen, it is always absolutely final over fairly insignificant things. I am not clingy, controlling, or mean in a relationship. I am pretty even keel but I will say my piece when I need to, so I am not a pushover. I don't know how to get through even a minor argument without it ending a fairly long term relationship, just like that!

My second question is:

With this last one, I have no idea what to do. I am resolved she's gone because they never come back. I am still shocked and hurt that it seems like she became a different, cruel hearted, person overnight and part of me thinks that was stress causing her to lash out but she has had enough time to come to terms with it and talk to me if that was the case. I get the sense in the little texting we have, she doesn't miss me at all and the several months we were in each other's lives' daily, mean nothing to her. I knew her, I can't fathom her as a person that could be that mean to me or oblivious.

I have gotten advice all over from people that know both of us. I don' t know if I should text her, go no contact, stop texting and then message her in a few weeks, or just pretend she is dead at this point. My every intention is always wrong.

I loved her. Like this one was different, I really loved her. I always said I would do anything and find a way to be with the one that I loved, once I found her. If something was wrong, I would find a way to navigate. I finally found her and realized I have 0 idea what to do and anything I do is probably the worst thing. Do I drop contact completely? Do I keep texting pleasantries and see what happens? Do I stop texting for a few weeks and then reach out? Frankly, it was special between us regardless of what has happened recently.

How should I play this? What would you recommend, give up, fight, text, call, don't text...I'm just lost so looking for ideas. I do know that one thing I will never do is "just be friends". I draw a hard line on that.

 

 

 

 

 

[basil67]

9 hours ago, Left in a Lurch said:

I recently was in a relationship that was perfect   She doesn't work right now but the last couple of weeks we were seeing each other she seemed maybe a little stressed but she is pretty closed off and doesn't open up much. She came over one night weeks back and we had a fun night. She was a little quiet but affectionate. She went home that night and basically it played out after that, that she has been very avoidant since and ended things by basically chastising me for saying I was in love with her, we weren't on the same page, we can only be friends. She was unusually angry and pissed off at me, never once we were angry and we never argued about anything. <> How do other people in a committed relationship ever have a woman get mad at something big or small and get her to forgive them? I know when I have at least deep connection and they are emotionally invested too but they seem to never have any issue forgetting about me almost immediately. For me unlike most other's I have seen, it is always absolutely final over fairly insignificant things.

As this is happening to you over and over again, I would say that you're the constant here.  It sounds very much like you're viewing the connection as a relationship and the women you're choosing are seeing it as casual or just friends.  I'd say that if someone breaks up over insignificant things, then they either aren't committed or they don't agree that the issue was insignificant.  

Now, regarding the woman who just ended things, you say that she was pretty closed off and didn't open up much....so do you know if she considered you to be her boyfriend?   Did the two of you ever talk about a future together....moving in...marriage...kids...etc?   Also, how can someone who's so closed off be a perfect partner?   The only option I can see that you've got here is to accept what she says.  If you chase or message her, then you'll be disrespecting her boundaries and this will do you no favours

Edited August 30, 2023 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

17 hours ago, Left in a Lurch said:

I recently was in a relationship that was perfect.

Let's get a little context. 

How long were you together? Why would her ex be trying to blackmail her? Why wasn't she working?

[glows]

It doesn’t sound like this was as deep and meaningful to her as it was to you. Sorry - it is way too one sided. 

Are you always picking duds? Your picker is consistently off or you’re pursuing women who aren’t interested in you for the right reasons? Why is this woman’s ex still in the picture even? How true is that and is it the case that she’s still hung up on him? Why do you say it’s most likely the case her ex is interfering? Doesn’t that at all disturb you or cause you to pause and rethink what’s going on? 

Based on the limited context all I can say is be more picky and selective - change the type of woman you’re attracted to and figure out why you keep picking these women who seem rather superficial or shallow towards you with ex baggage polluting the air. 
 

Edited August 30, 2023 by glows

[JTSW]

I feel there is allot missing here.

You say this happens every time with every girl you were seeing?

This means that you are the constant and there is something you are not acknowledging/seeing about yourself that has women backing off.

You need to figure out what this is before you embark on further relationships.

Do you have any kind of counselling? 

If not, I highly recommend talking it out with one to help you understand why your relationships turn out like this.

[Left in a Lurch]

On 8/29/2023 at 8:10 PM, basil67 said:

As this is happening to you over and over again, I would say that you're the constant here.  It sounds very much like you're viewing the connection as a relationship and the women you're choosing are seeing it as casual or just friends.  I'd say that if someone breaks up over insignificant things, then they either aren't committed or they don't agree that the issue was insignificant.  

Now, regarding the woman who just ended things, you say that she was pretty closed off and didn't open up much....so do you know if she considered you to be her boyfriend?   Did the two of you ever talk about a future together....moving in...marriage...kids...etc?   Also, how can someone who's so closed off be a perfect partner?   The only option I can see that you've got here is to accept what she says.  If you chase or message her, then you'll be disrespecting her boundaries and this will do you no favours

The latest one, she has adult kids After a month, we agreed to be exclusive. She included me in everything with her kids. I went on a 4 day trip with her entire immediate family and extended family. Had some overnight stuff at each other's houses. She went on a trip with one of her kids and left my number for her other kid if she had any issues. We discussed marriage, we were both open to it but based on situation it would be prob 3-5 years down the road. I was looking at a job offer that was out of state, she said she would possibly move with me if I took it, though we never discussed it deeply, I wasn't super keen on moving. We talked about taking a trip in the near future, just us.

The last day she was with me, it was fine. We were playing a game and she invited one of her kids over to play. We both had fun, there was sexual activity. Basically a day after that, there was nothing out of the ordinary and she pulled back on communication and since that day, refused to call me or see me aside from 1 call, the breakup call.

We have texted back and forth pleasantries until she finally sent the, you're perfect!...for someone else...text.

I still don't have a clear reason and after about 6 months of being nice and happy and really close with each other, she  now seems very cold, distant and unemotional (via text) and downplayed our time together. It was like having lunch with your long time best friend one day, laughing, normal, making plans for later in the week and caring about each other and then the next day they cut contact and if they respond to a text, they same something like, "Hi dear acquaintance. I hope you are well. I am off to work!" and then radio silence.

I cut contact, it killed me though. I told her how I felt and how she showed she felt about me. I told her I would never contact her and I am deleting her number so she doesn't have to worry. I told her I could never be just friends with her, that would kill me inside.

She went from an amazing gf to all the warmth of my auto mechanic quite literally overnight.

--Her ex is involved with the kids and her finances. For multiple reasons, neither want to completely sever those ties, though I know she is not in love with him. If she gets more serious with me, she would have to make some major changes. I never asked her to nor did I ever insist on her time. We fit each other into our schedules and I never pressured her for more than she was willing to give. My feeling, maybe wishful thinking on my part, is she was scared she knew how serious we were and didn't want to confront what it would mean and what she would have to deal with financially, etc., to take a next step. I never asked or expected her to take a next step in the near future.

People that knew her and me were all shocked. She was the same with me in their company as she was behind closed doors and she was the same up to the last day I saw her. Multiple people told me she was over the moon for me. One friend that was hanging out at a party with her told me later that night, dude, that girl is really into you. That was a couple of weeks before she dumped me. I got along with her family great. One family member who's place we stayed at, told me I was welcome to come there, even if she wasn't with me. 

[Left in a Lurch]

On 8/30/2023 at 4:54 AM, glows said:

It doesn’t sound like this was as deep and meaningful to her as it was to you. Sorry - it is way too one sided. 

Are you always picking duds? Your picker is consistently off or you’re pursuing women who aren’t interested in you for the right reasons? Why is this woman’s ex still in the picture even? How true is that and is it the case that she’s still hung up on him? Why do you say it’s most likely the case her ex is interfering? Doesn’t that at all disturb you or cause you to pause and rethink what’s going on? 

Based on the limited context all I can say is be more picky and selective - change the type of woman you’re attracted to and figure out why you keep picking these women who seem rather superficial or shallow towards you with ex baggage polluting the air. 
 

I get what you are saying. Here's the thing, I meet them, they are nice, seem stable, very reasonable, we go out and have fun, they seem well adjusted and available and in some of the cases they have escalated much faster than me in the relationship arena.

Everything is normal, no issues, fights, etc. and then it is uncanny how it will happen. Like we will make plans for dinner the next night at some place fancy, she will talk about how excited she is and how she looked up the menu online, how she told her friend and they were jealous their husband wouldn't take them there... So she will have to work and say something like, I might not be able to make the 6pm reservation,  she'll know by tomorrow morning. I'll find out from the restaurant that as long as I reschedule by 2pm the next day, it's no problem to get the reservation fee back, otherwise I lose it. I tell her this and I have to know by 2pm.

Next day, I get no text or call. I call at noon when she is at lunch and leave a message. By 1pm, nothing. I'll text to let me know, I have to know by 2pm or else the reservation would be cancelled. 1:30pm, I hear nothing. 1:45pm nothing. I'll call once more at 1:50pm and no answer. So I'll cancel the reservation. She will text back at 5pm and she'll just say, "Sorry, busy day at work" and nothing else. 

So I will just respond, ok, I had to cancel the reservation since I hadn't heard, otherwise I'd lose the deposit. She will flip her s*** out of the blue and I'll just be there, like, wtf? She'll be mad and say she bought a new dress to go, was planning and why would I cancel...I'll point out how she is texting me at 5pm and we would have had to leave by 4:30pm to get there in time any way so how would be get there by 6pm if I hadn't heard anything from her until now?

Then it's the end. It's always something minor like that.

Then they don't want to see me, talk to me and I am left knowing I did nothing wrong. They will stop texting. If I text in a day or two, I will get no response unless I get a response two days later that says, yeah, we just don't work. I'm just left knowing it was no big deal, I was never mad that we cancelled, we would just go another night and I gave her the benefit of the doubt that she was busy at work and we just need to reschedule, and somehow it blows up on me and becomes a show stopper for them and I have no idea why.

-The last one that just broke up with me, I was set up with her through someone over the course of about 1 year+. This person wanted to be sure she was over her ex so she waited that long until she felt the girl was actually ready. For months there was 0 indication she was a dud, in fact it was the opposite. 

She was upfront about the ex and his involvement. She told me when she had to have contact and why, I was confident enough that I didn't feel that was a problem nor was I insecure. What their entire situation was financially etc, I was just learning more and more over the months as we were getting to know each other. So I felt reassured about the situation, until I wasn't.

As far as a type of woman, I don't really have a type. If I am attracted to her and we click in person, then I try to date her. It's not like I know anyone's real situation until weeks or months down the road as we get to know each other. With some, I can see signs early on and might ignore but the last one especially, all signs screamed she was an amazing person.

I just don't know.

 

[Left in a Lurch]

3 hours ago, JTSW said:

I feel there is allot missing here.

You say this happens every time with every girl you were seeing?

This means that you are the constant and there is something you are not acknowledging/seeing about yourself that has women backing off.

You need to figure out what this is before you embark on further relationships.

Do you have any kind of counselling? 

If not, I highly recommend talking it out with one to help you understand why your relationships turn out like this.

I totally get I am the constant. 

I noticed it was a pattern a few years back. Everything going great. She shows high interest and makes an effort. No issues, no fights, no arguing, deep discussions where we are open with each other, then one day the rug is pulled from under me and when I think back, at least the majority of the time it comes down to her not communicating something or basically blowing me off and then blaming me. I equate it to, "you left the cap off the toothpaste for the first time in a year, this morning. we're done"...that's the only way I can explain it.

I speak with friends. I feel I am well adjusted. I am a pretty open, approachable person, so I communicate well. On things the women have broken with me up for, they communicated nothing. Like they'll go to my close friend's house with me to two parties over a few months. When they breakup, they'll say something like, "you always want to go to Jim's house..." when they said they wanted to go and we only went for a birthday party and one summer party there over a couple of months. I mean, I am sure you have friends that you go to parties and things at their house. If you went to a friend's house twice over a couple of months and your SO said they were happy to go, what sign would you be missing if they threw it in your face when they broke up with you?

I am not really considering counseling, I don't know they could know unless they dated me. I have met women through very close friends that when it goes down, they are as shocked as I am. They are friends that would have no issue telling me if they knew anything, good or bad. 

My personal assessment is I end up dating women that go to lengths to prove they are available and prove they want a relationship that in the end it turns out they were emotionally unavailable or not ready to date.

The two consistent things I notice are:

1. Out of the blue, rug pulled form under me, breakup.

2. We will be very close and it's easy for each of us to talk to each other. When they breakup, they are always immediately cold, distant and put off that they might need to explain anything. There is like no emotion, they downplay any connection (even after several months) and text like they were texting with their insurance agent. So Monday, warm, sweet, caring, interested, affectionate and open and text, "I love you and miss you!"...Tuesday, it's like we just met at a bus stop and only exchanged numbers and don't know each other. 

 

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately she seems a bit flaky and perhaps for good reasons, you don't seem to trust her very much. Overall you nay have dodged a bullet.

[Left in a Lurch]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately she seems a bit flaky and perhaps for good reasons, you don't seem to trust her very much. Overall you nay have dodged a bullet.

I think that's what is messing me up on the latest one. She was never flaky for 5 months and I trusted her explicitly. The sudden breakup and how her attitude changed towards me over night just isn't like her so it is hard to come to any conclusion.

[glows]

Thanks for the detailed posts.

Keep in mind she may have seen things about you too that she wasn’t clicking with or finding attractive over the 5 months. That’s around the time people reassess and end things due to incompatibility. Those rose coloured lenses and initial high from honeymoon period also starts to fade. For some faster than others, losing interest or finding it’s not a match.

What exactly was this “financial involvement” with her ex about? That’s a red flag when someone hasn’t cut ties completely and is dependent on an ex for anything financially related. 

Edited August 31, 2023 by glows

[Lisa]

@ChatroomHero and @Left in a Lurch are the same member

[JTSW]

18 hours ago, Left in a Lurch said:

I equate it to, "you left the cap off the toothpaste for the first time in a year, this morning. we're done"...that's the only way I can explain it.

Trust be, women wont do a complete 180 just because you left the cap off something.

You are thinking unrealistically and attributing it to materialistic things.

I notice you are also laying the blame with the women rather than considering that there is something that you do that instantly puts them off.

Hence why you should consult with a councillor to figure this out, or you will never know what it is and how to avoid it.