Divorce and depression

[Jbroken718]

Hi I just recently got a divorce and I am heartbroken I never wanted us to give up and now she’s blocked me from everything even though we still was trying to work things out as friends 

i overthink a lot and also suffer from separation anxiety I know that could have pushed her away 

she promised we would do this divorce to help us and we could remarry again in the future and now my dreams are destroyed when she just left like I meant nothing to her 

I got used to contacting her since she is in another state 

I’m so lost and broken all I do is cry I try to do things and nothing is working I’m extremely depressed it’s really hard to focus on my daily life when all I can think about is her telling me she wants nothing to do with me

I just want to atleast be friends with her and she doesn’t even want to do that 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Jbroken718 said:

 I’m extremely depressed it’s really hard to focus on my daily life when all I can think about is her telling me she wants nothing to do with me.

Sorry this is happening. How long were you married? What were the reasons for the divorce? How long ago did she move to another state?

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

Unfortunately if she blocked you it's best to let go and move forward with your life.

[glows]

It’s rare for couples to divorce and then remarry or rekindle a romance. Post here if you need to instead of contacting her. Or try journaling. 

What do you mean by separation anxiety? When did that start? You probably need to work on that before being in a relationship. 

[Jbroken718]

We were married for 5 1/2 years and 7 years together , I found out a year  ago that she was talking to her ex behind my back for the entire 7 years and I ended up getting even and two wrongs don’t make a right I did worse by having an affair while I spoke to my ex I let that go after 2 months I felt horrible I just wanted to teach her a lesson for what she did but obviously I took it far and after that she wanted space I tried giving her as much space since I was starting to pursue her again I did want to work things out I missed her so much and realized I actually really love her even after what she did and she just became recentful towards me she treated me so bad she started avoiding me more and more to the point where she wanted to leave and live with her sister in another state to get space and to forgive me so we can work things out .. she wanted the divorce so I had no choice but to give her what she wanted then that wasn’t enough she wanted me not to go through with it once she signed and we spent that week together having a great time she then leaves and promises me she will come back that she sees I’ve changed. And everything was great until I started asking questions about what she’s doing basically over thinking she started to get pushed away ..she then days after my birthday leaves me tells me she’s done that she doesn’t want to give me false hope and I’m just so confused when everything was going good why would she just end things abruptly and tells me I would never change.. ever since I’ve been broken and she moved to that state like month and half ago she was suppose to stay for a year that was her promise and now it’s forever 

[Jbroken718]

1 minute ago, glows said:

It’s rare for couples to divorce and then remarry or rekindle a romance. Post here if you need to instead of contacting her. Or try journaling. 

What do you mean by separation anxiety? When did that start? You probably need to work on that before being in a relationship. 

 

[Jbroken718]

I have separation anxiety since I was young I was and still am attached to my mother when I was younger and my mom wouldn’t come pick me up from school on time I would think she abandoned me and I would go threw an anxiety moment 

[glows]

I’m sorry to hear that about your childhood or waiting for a parent. You have a choice in how you want to handle it now in adulthood when someone chooses to end a relationship. You both tried for awhile and it didn’t work. 

Do you work and can you support yourself? Do you have a safe and permanent place to stay, a home? Post divorce is difficult. There are trained therapists and counsellors to help you navigate and process these changes. Your employer may offer counselling services or free sessions. 

The main point is processing that the marriage is over and accepting that. You both made mistakes, tried and it didn’t work. 

Edited August 11, 2023 by glows

[Jbroken718]

37 minutes ago, glows said:

It’s rare for couples to divorce and then remarry or rekindle a romance. Post here if you need to instead of contacting her. Or try journaling. 

What do you mean by separation anxiety? When did that start? You probably need to work on that before being in a relationship. 

Yes I am employed I work 7days a week taking care of my mother she is now an elderly 88 years old and right now I am currently living with her so I have a safe place but I did plan a future with my ex wife I actually had an apartment ready for movin and after she walked away I didn’t get the place 

[S2B]

3 hours ago, Jbroken718 said:

Yes I am employed I work 7days a week taking care of my mother she is now an elderly 88 years old and right now I am currently living with her so I have a safe place but I did plan a future with my ex wife I actually had an apartment ready for movin and after she walked away I didn’t get the place 

Do you earn enough from taking care of your mother to support yourself?

 

[Jbroken718]

5 hours ago, glows said:

It’s rare for couples to divorce and then remarry or rekindle a romance. Post here if you need to instead of contacting her. Or try journaling. 

What do you mean by separation anxiety? When did that start? You probably need to work on that before being in a relationship. 

37 minutes ago, S2B said:

Do you earn enough from taking care of your mother to support yourself?

 

Yes I make enough for myself I was actually the one who financially took care of everything whatever she needed she had

[MsJayne]

Have you considered counselling for a bit of emotional support while you get through the hardest part? I think you'd be holding out false hope if you think she might come back, judging by her saying 'you'll never change'. Obviously there's something gone on in your relationship that's pushed her away, and I think you'd be right in saying it's your separation anxiety. You may already be aware of this, but, what you experience as separation anxiety, a partner will experience as you being needy and demanding.  From your post it sounds like you want to know where she is all the time, and perhaps you say that when you don't know where she is you get anxious, so you're justifying to yourself what is actually extremely controlling and suffocating behaviour. I think you know this already if you've pinpointed a traumatic childhood experience as the source of your insecurity, but maybe you need to drill down a bit further and figure out what's driving this behaviour as an adult. I may be making a wrong assumption about you here, please forgive me if I am as I only have your post to go by, but if you had fears of abandonment as a child it's likely your whole childhood was coloured by emotional neglect. Children who feel loved and wanted don't panic that their parents are going to abandon them. I find it interesting that you care for your elderly mother full-time.  My advice is this, don't sit around crying and praying that your ex will come back, instead make it a goal to develop emotional independence so that, whether it be in a rekindled relationship with your ex or a new relationship in the future, when you do have another crack at a relationship you'll be pulling your own emotional weight instead of trying to force your partner carry the weight for both of you.  

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Jbroken718 said:

 she wanted to leave and live with her sister in another state to get space  .. she wanted the divorce 

Unfortunately a divorce and moving away is the end of a relationship, not a variation of it. Try to get help caring for yourself and your mother.

[glows]

8 hours ago, Jbroken718 said:

Yes I am employed I work 7days a week taking care of my mother she is now an elderly 88 years old and right now I am currently living with her so I have a safe place but I did plan a future with my ex wife I actually had an apartment ready for movin and after she walked away I didn’t get the place 

7 days a week is going to cause burn out. I’m just curious here. How did you have time for a marriage, care for your mother and work this much? Have you always worked 7 days? I did 6 days straight and on call for 7 for a few years but was way younger then. There is no way I could have worked like that plus maintain a marriage or care for family members. I’m curious how did you meet your ex also? 

Does this also mean you were both married and living with your mum? Did your relationship with your mother have an effect on your marriage or cause your ex to feel stifled? Did your ex help care for your mum? 

[Jbroken718]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

7 days a week is going to cause burn out. I’m just curious here. How did you have time for a marriage, care for your mother and work this much? Have you always worked 7 days? I did 6 days straight and on call for 7 for a few years but was way younger then. There is no way I could have worked like that plus maintain a marriage or care for family members. I’m curious how did you meet your ex also? 

Does this also mean you were both married and living with your mum? Did your relationship with your mother have an effect on your marriage or cause your ex to feel stifled? Did your ex help care for your mum? 

I work 7 days a week for 6 hours a day from 9 am to 3pm. I made time for her everyday, I wasn’t living with my mom when we got married we moved out from ny to jersey I would come to work and back. We started living with her after my ex wife broke her knee cab at work and she couldn’t work anymore we lived in jersey for 4 and half years after about a year of her still not being able to work I couldn’t afford being there so we moved to my moms house for awhile and honestly she doesn’t get along with my mom and my mom was making things worse by always getting into our business but since she’s elderly I didn’t want to cause a problem so my ex wife started to get really annoyed and angry i would try and tell her that my mother being elderly she’s not going to understand when I tell her to not get into our problems. I love my mother I just felt like she was being protective of me she did witness my ex being abusive toward me and verbally she would scream on the top of her lungs whenever she wanted to be heard in a disagreement. I found that disrespectful and I would tell my ex wife to please not yell in my moms house. After a while she started staying at her stepdads house and she would come and go from my moms house to her stepdads. We met online. And for your other question yes she cared a lil for my mom but my mom will not make it easy she did try her best to attempt to care. It was a lot on my hands with all my responsibilities but she knew this when we got together she was ok with everything and I guess after awhile it got to her.

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, Jbroken718 said:

I work 7 days a week for 6 hours a day from 9 am to 3pm. I made time for her everyday,

When is the last time you took her on a weekend road trip or out to lunch?  

[Jbroken718]

2 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Have you considered counselling for a bit of emotional support while you get through the hardest part? I think you'd be holding out false hope if you think she might come back, judging by her saying 'you'll never change'. Obviously there's something gone on in your relationship that's pushed her away, and I think you'd be right in saying it's your separation anxiety. You may already be aware of this, but, what you experience as separation anxiety, a partner will experience as you being needy and demanding.  From your post it sounds like you want to know where she is all the time, and perhaps you say that when you don't know where she is you get anxious, so you're justifying to yourself what is actually extremely controlling and suffocating behaviour. I think you know this already if you've pinpointed a traumatic childhood experience as the source of your insecurity, but maybe you need to drill down a bit further and figure out what's driving this behaviour as an adult. I may be making a wrong assumption about you here, please forgive me if I am as I only have your post to go by, but if you had fears of abandonment as a child it's likely your whole childhood was coloured by emotional neglect. Children who feel loved and wanted don't panic that their parents are going to abandon them. I find it interesting that you care for your elderly mother full-time.  My advice is this, don't sit around crying and praying that your ex will come back, instead make it a goal to develop emotional independence so that, whether it be in a rekindled relationship with your ex or a new relationship in the future, when you do have another crack at a relationship you'll be pulling your own emotional weight instead of trying to force your partner carry the weight for both of you.  

I am currently looking into counseling now. You’re right I strongly believe it’s my separation anxiety and even though it’s a childhood situation it’s also an adult version of that if it’s not treated correctly as a child and it wasn’t. As I looked into it more on why as an adult I’m experiencing that again, she triggered my abandonment issue which is part of separation anxiety. When She just left. And you can definitely be right about emotional childhood neglect I’ll definitely have to think deep and see what and who could have neglected me I know my mother was loving to me and never left my side so it could be from my dad he would always say he was coming to see me and majority of the time he wouldn’t show up I remember sitting at a window when I was 3 waiting for him and he never came I was sad and my mother called him angry telling him why he would do that to me knowing I’m waiting .. so yea that made me see something that I forgot about.. thank you for helping me see that. Another thing you made me see is that I am being controlling by asking her so many questions.

I will do my best to use this as strength to move forward having emotional independence. That’s a goal 

[Jbroken718]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

When is the last time you took her on a weekend road trip or out to lunch?  

I took her out when she came down to sign the divorce papers which was in may we spent from may 18 until June 15. That made her so happy she didn’t even want to do the divorce after we signed she wanted to work things out and that’s when she told me we will just remarry to start over with a new chapter. We agreed we would go no contact once she left and she couldn’t do it she was missing me as she said so she said she would stay calling me until she comes back to me. Which was the worse idea since it broke us up completely. She would almost purposely provoke it so we can argue I was trying my best to show her happiness but my questions also made it worse me asking all time and assuming even accusing her sometimes which made it ten times worse. So I do blame myself 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Jbroken718 said:

I took her out when she came down to sign the divorce papers which was in may we spent from may 18 until June 15.

Taking her out when signing the divorce papers sounds very late.  What time did you give her while the marriage was relatively healthy?   Was she spending her weekend days alone?

[Will am I]

12 hours ago, Jbroken718 said:

she promised we would do this divorce to help us and we could remarry again in the future

How would that work?

This sounds like something one might say to make the message sound less harsh, but the real intent was divorce and not remarriage.

[Jbroken718]

42 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Taking her out when signing the divorce papers sounds very late.  What time did you give her while the marriage was relatively healthy?   Was she spending her weekend days alone?

We went out on dates every Friday til Sunday our whole marriage I was always taking her out and doing nice things for her 

[Jbroken718]

19 minutes ago, Will am I said:

How would that work?

This sounds like something one might say to make the message sound less harsh, but the real intent was divorce and not remarriage.

Yeah that’s true

[glows]

8 hours ago, Jbroken718 said:

I work 7 days a week for 6 hours a day from 9 am to 3pm. I made time for her everyday, I wasn’t living with my mom when we got married we moved out from ny to jersey I would come to work and back. We started living with her after my ex wife broke her knee cab at work and she couldn’t work anymore we lived in jersey for 4 and half years after about a year of her still not being able to work I couldn’t afford being there so we moved to my moms house for awhile and honestly she doesn’t get along with my mom and my mom was making things worse by always getting into our business but since she’s elderly I didn’t want to cause a problem so my ex wife started to get really annoyed and angry i would try and tell her that my mother being elderly she’s not going to understand when I tell her to not get into our problems. I love my mother I just felt like she was being protective of me she did witness my ex being abusive toward me and verbally she would scream on the top of her lungs whenever she wanted to be heard in a disagreement. I found that disrespectful and I would tell my ex wife to please not yell in my moms house. After a while she started staying at her stepdads house and she would come and go from my moms house to her stepdads. We met online. And for your other question yes she cared a lil for my mom but my mom will not make it easy she did try her best to attempt to care. It was a lot on my hands with all my responsibilities but she knew this when we got together she was ok with everything and I guess after awhile it got to her.

I’m reading this situation as untenable. She lost her job due to a physical injury and didn’t get along with your mother. You both moved in with her. You work 7 days a week 6 hours a day meaning 40+ hrs a week but didn’t make enough to support the both of you. The living situation with your mother and yelling matches are too volatile and unstable. Was there ever a plan for her to find work that could accommodate for her injury? Did she have any other skills or was she looking at practical courses to forward a different career?

When there’s a loss of a marriage or marriage breakdown and a spouse leaves the remaining spouse is bound to feel broken and anxious. Your whole lives are overturned and the future you’ve imagined together is gone. Please don’t self diagnose with the separation anxiety. Speak to a professional who can help navigate these emotions.

I suspect the living situation showed her a side of you where she felt she couldn’t trust you anymore (highly likely she felt outnumbered and overwhelmed if you both disagreed with her in communication and any issues). What were the disagreements that caused such yelling in the first place? Why did your mother feel she had to interfere? So you’re saying from a neglectful childhood you may have had you now have an interfering or overbearing parent in adulthood? How do these two extremes reconcile or make sense? Second, I do agree raising one’s voice in a threatening manner and yelling is jarring but not sure how this is abusive. Was there name calling and putting you down? Your ex left to live with her dad. An abuser needs someone to keep abusing and inflicting that pain, they keep coming back. She doesn’t want to have anything to do with this marriage and seems to have moved on.

I don’t think this is any one issue but several causing the marriage to fall apart. It’s a concern as well if you say you both were about to find an apartment but on the same single income that caused you to move into your mother’s house? How is that going to work? Did she eventually start working again or were you supposed to support the both of you on a single income?

[Lotsgoingon]

The best way to get into good relationships is to have your own life going on.  You sound way too isolated, too dependent on her (we don't want only one person for emotional support). Sounds to me like you don't have hobbies and interests and aren't focused on your job. You've suffocated your own resilience by depending on your ex. 

I'm sending that  you have esteem issues and she is good at making you feel accepted--but you want to feel accepted because of you and your own judgment!

You want her back? Go get a rich life and build your esteem. And yes, therapy could be a great part of that. The irony of course is that the further you move down the path of developing yourself and building your confidence the less you'll need her and so ultimately you probably won't want her. You'll find someone who is a better fit for the new person you've become.

Bottom line: you weren't developed enough to be a good relationship partner--for her or for yourself. This is your chance. Everyone's mood plunges at some point in a divorce. Get to some counseling, go get some books on relationships and start building your life. 

[JTSW]

There were allot of red flags in your marriage.

Your separation anxiety being a main one.

She didn't get along with your mother yet you made her move there with her.

You have ALLOT of issues that all accumulated to this divorce and you honestly didn't help at all.

I saw a comment about you having an affair that has since been removed.

I think you made allot of bad choices which resulted in her wanting out of the marriage.

Edited August 14, 2023 by JTSW

[JTSW]

On 8/11/2023 at 10:09 PM, Jbroken718 said:

I found out a year  ago that she was talking to her ex behind my back for the entire 7 years and I ended up getting even and two wrongs don’t make a right I did worse by having an affair while I spoke to my ex

Actually I found the comment.

What the hell were you thinking?

What you did was so unforgivable.

What was the nature of her conversations with her ex?

Did you try to find out if they were just friends and just thought the worst?

Either way, you messed up big time.