Discovered she is cheating, should I confront or just break up without telling her I know?

[JTSW]

1 hour ago, Cristoforo said:

I know there’s people out there who forgive cheaters, why am I all of sudden getting pulled in that direction?

This is what I was really worried you would come back and say. 

It's been 6 years so I completely understand how hard the thought of being alone again is.

But can you really stay with someone knowing she also sleeping with someone else?

 

 

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, Cristoforo said:

 she’ll think I’m an insecure weirdo who went through her messages 

Ask her what she thinks about open relationships. See how she reacts. She'll wonder why this is coming out of left field.   

[Cristoforo]

5 hours ago, mark clemson said:

It probably wouldn't be wise to tell her you went through her messages without her knowledge. I believe this is a crime, at least in the US. She could, at least in theory, attempt to press charges or seek other legal recourse against you.

If you feel a need to tell her you know, consider just telling her you figured it out, you're certain enough for you, you're leaving, and that's that. You don't really need to go into detail.

 

 

If you're feeling a "pull" to reconcile, but at a rational/decision making level you're certain you don't want to, that may be because you feel insecure without a relationship/partner, although really there can be many reasons for this and our brains/biology and social structures have a certain amount of gearing towards "stickiness" in relationships. Some people will tolerate quite a lot to remain in a relationship.

At any rate, if you know with certainty that you'd feel bad about reconciling with her, then consider holding firm and seeking out a therapist to help you get through the emotional impact.

But she would have zero evidence I actually did that. Me telling her I looked through her messages isn’t going to be proof in a court of law. 

[Weezy1973]

18 minutes ago, Cristoforo said:

But she would have zero evidence I actually did that. Me telling her I looked through her messages isn’t going to be proof in a court of law. 

It’s not needed. You don’t need to confront her about the cheating. Just end it because you don’t trust her. You can say you don’t trust her anymore and without trust there’s no relationship. So you end it. If she asks what she did, you can say you felt something change recently, and it’s more a gut feeling etc. Which is true. You just got confirmation from the messages. 

[FMW]

13 hours ago, Cristoforo said:

I was also sitting there thinking that she will see that I’m better than this married guy, I'm in better shape, better looking, much more fun, caring, etc. and that she will have an epiphany. 

I know this is harsh, but understand that she had/has you but still chose to get involved with the married man.  It doesn't matter if you are objectively better in every way  - she was drawn to get involved with him for some reason, one that no one else might ever understand.  You can't win a contest where you don't know the rules, and she's certainly proven she's not a prize worth winning. 

It's probably hard to believe, but going forward with someone you can't trust will bring more (and different) pain than what you're feeling now.  You can't undo what has happened.  You can tell her you know she's cheating, you don't have to tell her how.  You don't owe her details.  I would steer clear of the married man and his wife.  As has been pointed out, his wife very well might not believe you if you told her, and he might retaliate in some way.  Don't let this situation become any messier. 

[mark clemson]

16 hours ago, Cristoforo said:

But she would have zero evidence I actually did that. Me telling her I looked through her messages isn’t going to be proof in a court of law. 

That's true, and one of the reasons why I said "at least in theory". If it were me in your situation, I still wouldn't bring it up, but I suppose you'll do you...

[Stret]

If you want to hurt her and leave without telling her anything, just tell her you don't find her attractive emotionally or physically or even that you have met someone else and are leaving. Leave her wondering, that's punishment enough and it is pretty brutal. 
If you want to inform the guy's wife, wait 6-12 months and then tell her if you still feel like it (but you will have cooled down maybe). 

 

[Wiseman2]

23 hours ago, Cristoforo said:

. While I’ve been betrayed here I couldn’t help but thinking about all the good moments we shared in the last 6 years. It’s hard to just turn off your feelings for someone you have loved for so long

Breakups hurt. However take some time to reflect why you would consider continuing. Dragging other people into it or hurting her to even the score won't make breaking up or staying easier. 

[Cristoforo]

Over a week since I started this thread and I still haven’t broken it off. I am such a coward. Saw her on Friday night and we went out to a bar for dinner and some drinks. She acted completely normal and nice. However I think I caught her again with a different guy. She was showing me something on her Facebook and then tapped into her messages. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a chat with a guy and the last message sent was “On a date?????”. I don’t know if it was from her or him. Something’s up. I should have ended it right there but I’m just a complete coward. I don’t know why I’m doing this to myself. Why am I holding on. It’s clear she’s up to no good and has zero respect for me. Earlier in the night she told me how she really cares about me, yet how could that be true if she’s doing what she’s doing? Why does she keep me around? Why doesn’t she just end things since she’s clearly not interested in me anymore. 

[ExpatInItaly]

19 minutes ago, Cristoforo said:

Why does she keep me around? Why doesn’t she just end things since she’s clearly not interested in me anymore

The same reason a lot of cheaters don't just end it - they like having their security blanket around in case their flings on the side don't work out. 

I'm sorry you're going through this. You deserve a heck of a lot better. 

[Cristoforo]

33 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

The same reason a lot of cheaters don't just end it - they like having their security blanket around in case their flings on the side don't work out. 

I'm sorry you're going through this. You deserve a heck of a lot better. 

Thanks. I wish I had the strength to do what I need to do but I feel so weak and helpless right now. 

[princessaurora]

How many guys does she have to potentially step out with before you reach your breaking point? The sooner you drop her, the sooner you can potentially find someone who loves and respects you. She's just making a mockery of you at this point. Show her you value yourself and will no longer accept a girlfriend who thinks she's single. Walk away. 

[Cristoforo]

9 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

How many guys does she have to potentially step out with before you reach your breaking point? The sooner you drop her, the sooner you can potentially find someone who loves and respects you. She's just making a mockery of you at this point. Show her you value yourself and will no longer accept a girlfriend who thinks she's single. Walk away. 

This whole experience has made me doubt that there are people out there who will be loyal to me. 

[princessaurora]

That's just your fear and insecurity  talking. There are plenty of people who would be completely loyal, just like yourself. But you're not going to find one till you get out of this toxic situation. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Cristoforo said:

 She was showing me something on her Facebook and then tapped into her messages. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a chat with a guy and the last message sent was “On a date?????”. 

Why would she openly show you her phone? Is this message from the former lover? Unfortunately you don't seem that convinced she's cheating.

As far as glancing at messages it's hard to interpret, however you stated the issue was finding multiple texts between her and a former lover when you when through her phone.

[princessaurora]

3 hours ago, Cristoforo said:

Saw her on Friday night and we went out to a bar for dinner and some drinks. She acted completely normal and nice. However I think I caught her again with a different guy

Seems like there's more than one @Wiseman2 which is a clear indicator OP needs to pack up and go. She has lost all respect for him if she's spending their time together messaging other dudes. She probably thinks he's a lovesick fool at this point and no matter what she does he won't leave her. You need to show her what you're worth by removing yourself as an option, @Cristoforo

[Cristoforo]

Let me share some details about when I read her messages…I never actually saw any messages that alluded to them having sex…but the messages were about meeting up. I’m smart enough to know what’s going on if she’s meeting up with a married guy. 
 

I also went through her FB messages today (yes, please don’t judge or ask me how, I managed to do it when she was away from her phone). The messages I mentioned earlier were from a guy from her past and he was messaging her out of the blue and being flirtatious, to her credit she wasn’t responding in kind back, just being friendly. However he asked her at one point if she could FaceTime, she said no. This was this past Thursday night, the next morning she messaged him, “Sorry I was on a date last night”. Either she’s lying to get him to back off, or she actually was and probably with the married guy. That’s when he responded “on a date??” And the rest of his message was “Did you break up with your man?”. She never responded. 

So while she isn’t cheating with this second guy obviously something is going on with someone, hence why she said she was on a date. I don’t have any hard evidence that she had sex with this married guy, but I’m also not naive. And yes, I still haven’t kicked her to the curb yet. But I’m getting angrier and angrier. 

Edited August 21, 2023 by Cristoforo

[Alpacalia]

It is best to end this relationship. It is not healthy or functional, and there is no longer any trust.

Edited August 21, 2023 by Alpacalia

[JTSW]

8 hours ago, Cristoforo said:

I still haven’t kicked her to the curb yet. But I’m getting angrier and angrier. 

And the longer you leave it, the worse it's going to get.

She dating another man and talking to others.

If you haven't walked away by now I don't think you're ever going to.

Unless you are hoping she'll break up with you, which I really don't think she will do.

You need yo push pass your cowardice and weakness and find that shiny spine.

Unless you are hoping that she'll just drop other guy and be loyal to you?

Is that why you're holding on?

 

[Cristoforo]

1 hour ago, JTSW said:

And the longer you leave it, the worse it's going to get.

She dating another man and talking to others.

If you haven't walked away by now I don't think you're ever going to.

Unless you are hoping she'll break up with you, which I really don't think she will do.

You need yo push pass your cowardice and weakness and find that shiny spine.

Unless you are hoping that she'll just drop other guy and be loyal to you?

Is that why you're holding on?

 

Sadly maybe that’s why I’m holding on. But I know I’m not going to get what I want. 

[JTSW]

14 minutes ago, Cristoforo said:

Sadly maybe that’s why I’m holding on. But I know I’m not going to get what I want. 

No, you're not, and I think it's your weakness and cowardice that has made her go looking outside of the relationship.

She hasn't been loyal to you at all and she likely never will be.

This is all on you to deal with because it's not going to get better and it's not going to go away.

I really hope you find some sort of newfound strength to do the right thing because you have let this go on for far too long.

Either do it or don't.

Wallowing in self pity isn't going to help your case.

You need to get a grip.

Edited August 21, 2023 by JTSW

[Alpacalia]

Man, every time you say you're a coward for staying in this relationship with a woman that cheats on you, you're indulging in self-pity. Do you think that's going to make her stop cheating or respect you more? No, she will see you as weak and not attracted to you. I get that being cheating on hurts but for Pete's sake, stop with the self-pity. It's not helping or making things better for you.

[Cristoforo]

3 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Man, every time you say you're a coward for staying in this relationship with a woman that cheats on you, you're indulging in self-pity. Do you think that's going to make her stop cheating or respect you more? No, she will see you as weak and not attracted to you. I get that being cheating on hurts but for Pete's sake, stop with the self-pity. It's not helping or making things better for you.

You’re right. No more self-pity. 

[JTSW]

2 hours ago, Cristoforo said:

You’re right. No more self-pity. 

So what does that mean?

That you'll be strong and end it?

Or be strong and hope she'll be loyal to you?

I'm sorry to say that the latter wont happen.

[mark clemson]

Why is she doing it and also saying she loves you?  After 6 years, you have become her "stable base" - however, for whatever reasons (and there are several possible ones), you are a stable base that she both desires and feels she can get away with going out from and indulging in external romantic adventures. That doesn't mean she doesn't care for you, but it DOES mean she's probably going to keep doing this if she thinks she can get away with it.

Why are you having so much trouble taking the bull by the horns and leaving? She is also YOUR stable base after 6 years. You are (would be) losing that, and even if there aren't the entanglements of a marriage, dealing with it is easier said than done. You are essentially losing "a family" in terms of emotional loss. You mention cowardice - I'm not sure I would exactly call it that, but it does sound like you feel insecure without a partner and/or "fear" being lonely. 

If you're not going to be able to trust your partner, she is not emotionally safe for you, and you're the type who would hate yourself for staying, be glad you found this all out now rather than even later on. The solution is to "get through it" to get to the other side and find someone better. As a male, if you are not overly fussy and reasonably together, things get better not worse as we age in terms of dating prospects. A therapist might help alleviate (not entirely end) feelings of insecurity WRT being on your own for a while.

Some people can tolerate this and reconcile IF they believe they can more or less guarantee no repeat. You aren't married and it doesn't sound like you live together (?) so I think there's no way you can get that.

Every case is a little bit different. In YOUR case it sounds like if/when you find the emotional strength to walk away, then once you find a new partner you'll look back and be glad you did.

Edited August 21, 2023 by mark clemson