Discovered she is cheating, should I confront or just break up without telling her I know?

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, JTSW said:

What exactly are you afraid of?

Probably of getting beat up.  That happens when peoples lives are threatened.

[Cristoforo]

I know what I need to do. The first thing is to break it off with her. Some are saying I should tell her I know about the affair, others are saying I shouldn’t. I feel like I want to let her know. I want to make it clear to her that she’s an awful person for doing what she did. Telling the other guys wife, I just don’t know about that. My gf and him could do something stupid in retaliation like contact my employer and say something awful about me or something crazy like that. I feel like if I make that move I open myself up to unnecessary drama and actions. Whereas if I just break up with my gf and let her know, it won’t be as bad. 

[Kassieee]

4 minutes ago, Cristoforo said:

I know what I need to do. The first thing is to break it off with her. Some are saying I should tell her I know about the affair, others are saying I shouldn’t. I feel like I want to let her know. I want to make it clear to her that she’s an awful person for doing what she did. Telling the other guys wife, I just don’t know about that. My gf and him could do something stupid in retaliation like contact my employer and say something awful about me or something crazy like that. I feel like if I make that move I open myself up to unnecessary drama and actions. Whereas if I just break up with my gf and let her know, it won’t be as bad. 

Doubt she cares that she's an awful person- she didn't change the first time she got caught cheating. Youre not going to feel better telling her. Is there anything that she can say that will make you feel better? 

You can explain, tell her, preach, yell, scream why she sucks till your eye balls pop off, she's a cheater she doesn't care. 

 

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, Cristoforo said:

 if I just break up with my gf and let her know, it won’t be as bad. 

Exactly. If you know she's cheating, just end it. The scorched earth revenge approach is not only a waste of time but it could backfire. Don't bother it won't improve your life or your relationship. 

[Cristoforo]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Exactly. If you know she's cheating, just end it. The scorched earth revenge approach is not only a waste of time but it could backfire. Don't bother it won't improve your life or your relationship. 

Right but I’m saying I still want to let her know that I know what she did. Are you saying I shouldn’t and just break things off without telling her what I know? 

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, Cristoforo said:

 I’m saying I still want to let her know that I know what she did. 

That's fine. You have every right to break up for whatever reason, but you can just tell her the gig is up, you know about the texts. Adios. 

[glows]

Three days later - 

Are you both living together? I don’t think it matters what you say. The relationship is over. Don’t drag this out or keep stalling.

[Alpacalia]

This is your rodeo, not hers. You hold the reins here.

Wish good luck to the new man as going forward, she is going to be his responsibility forever and congratulate him for a new relationship with a cheater. Match made in heaven.☺️

You! yes you! Go and enjoy your freedom as you are now going to end one hell of a time, go out in search of something intense and irresistible.

Edited August 16, 2023 by Alpacalia

[JTSW]

8 hours ago, Cristoforo said:

I know what I need to do. The first thing is to break it off with her. Some are saying I should tell her I know about the affair, others are saying I shouldn’t. I feel like I want to let her know. I want to make it clear to her that she’s an awful person for doing what she did. Telling the other guys wife, I just don’t know about that. My gf and him could do something stupid in retaliation like contact my employer and say something awful about me or something crazy like that. I feel like if I make that move I open myself up to unnecessary drama and actions. Whereas if I just break up with my gf and let her know, it won’t be as bad. 

Firstly, stop calling her your gf because I think she's lost that privilege now.

Second, forget about telling the wife or confronting him in any way, there's no point and they don't matter. 

The only one you have to confront is your now ex.

She needs to know that she has been found out and that she has to leave.

That's all you have to do.

If she tries to retaliate by contacting your work, she hasn't got a leg to stand on because you can just tell them she's bitter about being caught cheating.

Nothing is going to happen OP.

She won't be in any position to try and do anything.

[JTSW]

8 hours ago, Cristoforo said:

Right but I’m saying I still want to let her know that I know what she did. Are you saying I shouldn’t and just break things off without telling her what I know? 

You need to tell her why you are breaking things off with her.

[mark clemson]

IMO there's nothing inherently wrong with telling your STB-xGF that you know she cheated when you break up. It may or may not be an emotionally satisfying experience for you to call her out on, depending on how she reacts, etc. It will probably generate some unnecessary "drama" but perhaps you'd like to see a little drama out of her at this point, e.g. distress at losing you or similar. She hurt you with her actions, so perhaps you find some "justice" in seeing her hurt to a reasonable extent as you depart.

You are set on your path to leave, so she will feel how she feels regardless. If you feel it will help you start to gain closure then perhaps it's "the right thing for you".

Edited August 16, 2023 by mark clemson

[Cristoforo]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

IMO there's nothing inherently wrong with telling your STB-xGF that you know she cheated when you break up. It may or may not be an emotionally satisfying experience for you to call her out on, depending on how she reacts, etc. It will probably generate some unnecessary "drama" but perhaps you'd like to see a little drama out of her at this point, e.g. distress at losing you or similar. She hurt you with her actions, so perhaps you find some "justice" in seeing her hurt to a reasonable extent as you depart.

You are set on your path to leave, so she will feel how she feels regardless. If you feel it will help you start to gain closure then perhaps it's "the right thing for you".

I’m leaning strongly towards telling her I know. My idea for telling her how I know when she asks, and she will, might be seen as not a great idea by some on here. I was going to lie and tell her his wife found out, did not confront him yet but messaged me and told me. I mean, if my stb ex gf mentions that to the guy, he can’t really go to his wife and ask if she messaged me. This would leave them in a state of constant worry wondering what she knows. At this point I don’t care if they keep seeing each other, I’d just like to make it as uneasy and uncomfortable for them as possible. And also I this point I couldn’t care less about lying to my STB ex.  

Edited August 16, 2023 by Cristoforo

[Alpacalia]

9 minutes ago, Cristoforo said:

I’m leaning strongly towards telling her I know. My idea for telling her how I know when she asks, and she will, might be seen as not a great idea by some on here. I was going to lie and tell her his wife found out, did not confront him yet but messaged me and told me. I mean, if my stb ex gf mentions that to the guy, he can’t really go to his wife and ask if she messaged me. This would leave them in a state of constant worry wondering what she knows. At this point I don’t care if they keep seeing each other, I’d just like to make it as uneasy and uncomfortable for them as possible. And also I this point I couldn’t care less about lying to my STB ex.  

Why can't you just tell her that you found out by yourself? Telling her that his wife found out sets a tone that you want to be manipulative and create an awkward situation for them. It would be difficult for his wife to confront him if she never messaged you in the first place. It's understandable to be angry at a situation like this, but you don't have to lie about who found out or how you found out in order to make them uncomfortable.

[Kassieee]

1 hour ago, Cristoforo said:

I’m leaning strongly towards telling her I know. My idea for telling her how I know when she asks, and she will, might be seen as not a great idea by some on here. I was going to lie and tell her his wife found out, did not confront him yet but messaged me and told me. I mean, if my stb ex gf mentions that to the guy, he can’t really go to his wife and ask if she messaged me. This would leave them in a state of constant worry wondering what she knows. At this point I don’t care if they keep seeing each other, I’d just like to make it as uneasy and uncomfortable for them as possible. And also I this point I couldn’t care less about lying to my STB ex.  

Why do you feel the need to tell her the reason why you're breaking up? Leave her in the dust lost in the sauce.

All you should care about is your healing. Your fixated with the husband and the wife....and doing all this plotting is mentally draining and petty dont see how this is beneficial to you. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Cristoforo said:

 My idea for telling her how I know when she asks, and she will, might be seen as not a great idea by some on here.

If you two don't live together it will be a lot easier to end things. Why not let her know your findings and that you're ending things because of the cheating? 

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, Cristoforo said:

 I was going to lie and tell her his wife found out, did not confront him yet but messaged me and told me. I mean, if my stb ex gf mentions that to the guy, he can’t really go to his wife and ask if she messaged me. This would leave them in a state of constant worry wondering what she knows.  

Since you're done with her, not really seeing what this scheme gets you. I think you think it's a bit revenge of sorts, but I doubt they will worry for very long. I think it hurts them a lot less than you imagine it will.

Perhaps consider just telling her you know and have the satisfaction of seeing her know she couldn't get away with fooling you. Then make a clean break and move on with your life. With all this plotting, it's pretty clear you are the type who "plays games" - I think that's something you should try to give up. They say "broken attracts broken". I don't know if that's ALWAYS true, but consider whether being/becoming a more straightforward YOU will hopefully help you gravitate towards and select healthier and more emotionally safe partners, and have healthier relationships with them.

[Cristoforo]

24 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Since you're done with her, not really seeing what this scheme gets you. I think you think it's a bit revenge of sorts, but I doubt they will worry for very long. I think it hurts them a lot less than you imagine it will.

Perhaps consider just telling her you know and have the satisfaction of seeing her know she couldn't get away with fooling you. Then make a clean break and move on with your life. With all this plotting, it's pretty clear you are the type who "plays games" - I think that's something you should try to give up. They say "broken attracts broken". I don't know if that's ALWAYS true, but consider whether being/becoming a more straightforward YOU will hopefully help you gravitate towards and select healthier and more emotionally safe partners, and have healthier relationships with them.

I guess my hesitation is that if I tell her I went through her messages to find out she’ll think I’m an insecure weirdo who went through her messages when I really had no right to. I did invade her privacy, but I’m glad I did. Then again, at this point, why do I care about what she thinks of me?

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Cristoforo said:

she’ll think I’m an insecure weirdo

So? Her opinion on longer counts. 

And really, worrying about this is like worrying the grass might get too warm when the house is on fire. It's beside the point. I would simply tell her you know she's been cheating and the relationship is over. Let her sweat it out wondering how you know. That's no longer relevant. If she asks, tell her she incriminated herself and end the conversation. 

 

[JTSW]

7 hours ago, Cristoforo said:

I guess my hesitation is that if I tell her I went through her messages to find out she’ll think I’m an insecure weirdo who went through her messages when I really had no right to. I did invade her privacy, but I’m glad I did. Then again, at this point, why do I care about what she thinks of me?

Who cares what she thinks.

You have nothing to be ashamed about hun and I really don't think you should lie.

Be honest, just say 'I know you have been seeing another man. Now I would like you to leave'.

Then walk away.

It doesn't have to be complicated.

We are all here for you if you need a little confidence boost to help you though it.

You're a good guy and I have faith in you ❤️

Edited August 17, 2023 by JTSW

[Alpacalia]

11 hours ago, Cristoforo said:

I guess my hesitation is that if I tell her I went through her messages to find out she’ll think I’m an insecure weirdo who went through her messages when I really had no right to. I did invade her privacy, but I’m glad I did. Then again, at this point, why do I care about what she thinks of me?

Telling her you know she cheated and are leaving is for YOU, not her. If you want to say something to her, say something. If you want to exit without saying anything, do that.

It's about YOU and how you want to handle the situation and what brings you the most peace so that you can move on.

Whatever choice you make, there is no right or wrong answer - it's simply what makes you feel the most comfortable.

Just try not to live in a state of liminality and make a decision so that you can carry on with your life.

You deserve to move on and be happy and put this situation behind you!

Edited August 17, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Cristoforo]

Saw her for the first time since I got back from my work trip and I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Feeling like a coward. We don’t live together so it makes it easier to avoid doing it. I had lunch with her and I just sat there like nothing was wrong. Part of the struggle is I’ve never ended a serious relationship in my life, in the few I’ve had before this I was always on the receiving end of the breakup. While I’ve been betrayed here I couldn’t help but thinking about all the good moments we shared in the last 6 years. It’s hard to just turn off your feelings for someone you have loved for so long. I was also sitting there thinking that she will see that I’m better than this married guy, I'm in better shape, better looking, much more fun, caring, etc. and that she will have an epiphany. 
 

I know there’s people out there who forgive cheaters, why am I all of sudden getting pulled in that direction? I realize that if I stay with this person it shows I have zero respect for myself and she will just continue to walk all over me. This is one of the hardest things I’ve faced in my life. Any advice would be appreciated. 

Edited August 17, 2023 by Cristoforo

[Alpacalia]

What you're struggling with is a really difficult situation to be in and I can relate to the conflict between wanting to hang onto the good moments and memories you shared, while also wanting to protect yourself and your sense of self-respect. Nothing to feel guilty about.

Under the circumstances, be honest with yourself and take the time to really think about what it is that you want and need. Try to remember all the pain that she has caused you and decide if staying in the relationship is something that you can truly forgive and move forward from. What do you think that relationship will look like? 

It's hard to make a decision to break up with someone you love, but your self-respect and well-being have to come first.

If you decide that the relationship isn't salvageable, then let her know and don't let yourself fall into the trap of comparing yourself to the other man. For me, I was on the verge of marriage, and I was not about to start marriage off with insecurity or mistrust.

I wish you the best of luck in finding clarity and peace of mind.

[BaileyB]

11 minutes ago, Cristoforo said:

This is one of the hardest things I’ve faced in my life. Any advice would be appreciated. 

There is a reason why people go no contact when they are trying to end a relationship.

Edited August 17, 2023 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

16 hours ago, Cristoforo said:

I guess my hesitation is that if I tell her I went through her messages to find out

It probably wouldn't be wise to tell her you went through her messages without her knowledge. I believe this is a crime, at least in the US. She could, at least in theory, attempt to press charges or seek other legal recourse against you.

If you feel a need to tell her you know, consider just telling her you figured it out, you're certain enough for you, you're leaving, and that's that. You don't really need to go into detail.

 

Quote

The Electronic Communications Privacy Act (ECPA) is a federal law that makes it a crime to access someone else's private communications without permission. It covers cell phones, computer use, email, social media accounts, and other types of electronic communications.

 

If you're feeling a "pull" to reconcile, but at a rational/decision making level you're certain you don't want to, that may be because you feel insecure without a relationship/partner, although really there can be many reasons for this and our brains/biology and social structures have a certain amount of gearing towards "stickiness" in relationships. Some people will tolerate quite a lot to remain in a relationship.

At any rate, if you know with certainty that you'd feel bad about reconciling with her, then consider holding firm and seeking out a therapist to help you get through the emotional impact.

Edited August 17, 2023 by mark clemson

[ExpatInItaly]

48 minutes ago, Cristoforo said:

I know there’s people out there who forgive cheaters, why am I all of sudden getting pulled in that direction?

Because the painful truth is too difficult to accept just yet. 

This woman does not love you. Not anymore. She wouldn't be doing this if she did. So while you're sitting there thinking of all the good times you've had with her, she is probably eager to check her phone to see if she's messaged her, or called her. She is probably thinking about him and wondering what he's doing, and if he's thinking of her too.