My heart is broken

[Johnny2x4]

I recently joined a church to try and find my faith. I had started talking to this girl on a dating app and she conveniently attended the same church I was. She wanted to attend a worship with me so I did. She wanted me to sit with her and her friends. I reluctantly sat next to them and sat through the service It felt a little awkward, because she had kept trying to have a conversation in the middle of the sermon with me. I had to whisper back and forth and what not. By the end of the service, I was trying to have a conversation but she had said she had to go early to help volunteer. I said no problem, I tried to text her overtime throughout the weeks to have a conversation, but she didn't seem very interested in the conversation as she stopped responding to my texts. I kind of just felt like I was doing all the work in trying to build some chemistry. I assumed she didn't like me so I just continued going to church alone. I really like the church I go to, as I have met some great people and cool friends. 

Well about two months later she appears and tries to sit next to me during a service, she said she had been very busy and what not, and sorry for not responding to my texts. I let her sit next to me, because I was not trying to say no or whatever. At this point though I kind of didn't feel comfortable with her for some reason, but I decided to give it another chance, because I might have been over reacting. Well I tried to text her to keep and build a connection and what not but It was the same thing. She barely would respond to my messages at all and I would feel like our conversations were forced. We had went to a few church events, but we weren't alone and It was honestly more awkward because I felt like just a prop as all her friends already had husbands. She would talk to me during a church service, but not outside she just would ghost me constantly but act very friendly towards me in church. When I tried to show her some of my artwork I do on my spare time she said she wanted to see it. I sent it to her through text and she again never responded which broke my heart, because I am passionate about art . Even when I see her at church she will act very civil and say hi, which I just awkwardly say hi back because I think it would be rude to ignore her. My church had an art event, which I was going to ask If she was going which was why I was showing her my work.  

She brought another man to the art show and I was heartbroken. She tried to say hello to me and It was awkward to even talk to her for me. The thing is she would kind of complain about getting cat called on the streets and getting attention from other men when she was out and about. I just don't want to be in that same bucket so I do my best to secretly try to avoid her nowadays. I feel like I did something wrong, or texted something wrong to her. I had been playing situations out in my head and going back to review text messages but I can't figure out why. I think I offended her or she thinks I might be a demon secretly. She try's to acknowledge me in church and I awkwardly acknowledge her back. She seems to try to avoid me too I think. I had been going to services where she doesn't attend but sometimes she's there. I don't want to seem needy, so I try to ignore her now unless when she goes out of her way to try and talk to me.

 

[ShyViolet]

Don't make more out of this than it was.  This woman was never that interested in you.  That much is clear from the fact that she didn't answer your texts for so long.  Stop trying to go back to figure out what you did "wrong".  You probably didn't do anything "wrong", these things just happen sometimes.  Don't let her make you feel uncomfortable if you run into her.  Just give a simple "hi", and then move on.

[glows]

She doesn’t seem interested in texting or being your friend. She’s just a fellow church goer. 

My advice is don’t let this get to you or affect your relationship with God or the church.

Try meeting other people and don’t text her anymore. She has shown you she’s not interested in anything romantic either.

Being awkward is a choice. Try changing your perspective a bit and be more accepting of others when they don’t feel the same way.

[Wiseman2]

43 minutes ago, Johnny2x4 said:

 I tried to text her to keep and build a connection 

She brought another man to the art show 

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately she doesn't seem available. Texting doesn't build a connection as much asking someone to go out. Keep enjoying your new church and start socializing with others and taking to other girls.

Edited August 13, 2023 by Wiseman2

[basil67]

She was happy to be your church friend, but didn't want more than that.   No different to how you might regularly chat with someone while you're at the art studio or gym, but don't feel the need to extend the friendship past that.  

[JTSW]

She was just using you as someone to sit with in church so she didn't look like the odd one out with her friends.

She was never interested in you OP.

If she turns up at the church again, make sure there is no room for her sit near you.

Don't even talk to her.

[justwhoiam]

I guess you got friendzoned. You were both using the same dating app. So you were both looking. You should have insisted on going on a real first date, instead of meeting at the local church. Had she answered "no, thanks", you would have known right away. Had she said yes but then ghosted you right away, you would have known.

I think that a girl/woman needs to make it clear somehow.

She asked you to do things, and you complied. But there was never a date, it seems. In the meantime, she was dating guys, and in fact you saw one accompanying her to the church event.

Block her number and move on. Try other churches too. Is that church the closest one to your home?

[basil67]

@Johnny2x4 I'm worried that you are heartbroken about a girl who you were never in a relationship with.

When starting out with someone new, it's important to moderate your feelings so that they reflect the stage of the relationship you're in.   Of course, it feels wonderful and exciting, and it's completely normal that you're disappointed.  But there needs to be a little birdie in your head reminding you that it's very very early days and to keep your expectations in check.   Even if you end up dating a girl, still keep your hopes in check.   I'd suggest that this stage of cautious enthusiasm should last until you've been a couple for at least a year.  

[mortensorchid]

Don't get too bent out of shape about it.  Life goes on, next.

[smackie9]

Just because a girl is being nice to you doesn't mean she's interested in dating you. IMO when a girl complains all the time she's being cat called on the street by other men...she's not complaining, she's bragging about it. The way I see it she was just looking for some new male attention...that's  my guess. She may act oblivious to you liking her, but she knows you do. Some people just feed off that crap. 

Edited August 22, 2023 by smackie9

[Johnny2x4]

So we can use dating apps as a way to meet church goers. You all saying she was never interested in me, why would she like my profile? are you all saying it's ok use people for attention then? 

Edited August 28, 2023 by Johnny2x4
grammar

[Johnny2x4]

On 8/14/2023 at 5:07 PM, basil67 said:

@Johnny2x4 I'm worried that you are heartbroken about a girl who you were never in a relationship with.

When starting out with someone new, it's important to moderate your feelings so that they reflect the stage of the relationship you're in.   Of course, it feels wonderful and exciting, and it's completely normal that you're disappointed.  But there needs to be a little birdie in your head reminding you that it's very very early days and to keep your expectations in check.   Even if you end up dating a girl, still keep your hopes in check.   I'd suggest that this stage of cautious enthusiasm should last until you've been a couple for at least a year.  

maybe disappointed not heartbroken.

[basil67]

8 minutes ago, Johnny2x4 said:

So we can use dating apps as a way to meet church goers. You all saying she was never interested in me, why would she like my profile? are you all saying it's ok use people for attention then? 

Did she already know you when she liked your profile?  If so, it was likely just a "hello friend" kind of acknowledgement. I'm told that it's not an uncommon thing for friends to do when they see someone else they know online.    I can't see that she used you for attention.

[Ageless Wisdom23]

Perhaps she just want😑s to keep it in church with you as fellowship.  And outside of Church, She may have this special friend whom she shares events with.  Or has a few.  Be civil.

[Johnny2x4]

On 8/28/2023 at 12:00 AM, basil67 said:

Did she already know you when she liked your profile?  If so, it was likely just a "hello friend" kind of acknowledgement. I'm told that it's not an uncommon thing for friends to do when they see someone else they know online.    I can't see that she used you for attention.

No, I didn't know her.

[S2B]

Go to church to find your faith (your words).

stop going to church to find women.

meet women out and about…[ ] 

Edited August 31, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[Goodguy05]

On 8/14/2023 at 6:38 AM, Johnny2x4 said:

I recently joined a church to try and find my faith. I had started talking to this girl on a dating app and she conveniently attended the same church I was. She wanted to attend a worship with me so I did. She wanted me to sit with her and her friends. I reluctantly sat next to them and sat through the service It felt a little awkward, because she had kept trying to have a conversation in the middle of the sermon with me. I had to whisper back and forth and what not. By the end of the service, I was trying to have a conversation but she had said she had to go early to help volunteer. I said no problem, I tried to text her overtime throughout the weeks to have a conversation, but she didn't seem very interested in the conversation as she stopped responding to my texts. I kind of just felt like I was doing all the work in trying to build some chemistry. I assumed she didn't like me so I just continued going to church alone. I really like the church I go to, as I have met some great people and cool friends. 

Well about two months later she appears and tries to sit next to me during a service, she said she had been very busy and what not, and sorry for not responding to my texts. I let her sit next to me, because I was not trying to say no or whatever. At this point though I kind of didn't feel comfortable with her for some reason, but I decided to give it another chance, because I might have been over reacting. Well I tried to text her to keep and build a connection and what not but It was the same thing. She barely would respond to my messages at all and I would feel like our conversations were forced. We had went to a few church events, but we weren't alone and It was honestly more awkward because I felt like just a prop as all her friends already had husbands. She would talk to me during a church service, but not outside she just would ghost me constantly but act very friendly towards me in church. When I tried to show her some of my artwork I do on my spare time she said she wanted to see it. I sent it to her through text and she again never responded which broke my heart, because I am passionate about art . Even when I see her at church she will act very civil and say hi, which I just awkwardly say hi back because I think it would be rude to ignore her. My church had an art event, which I was going to ask If she was going which was why I was showing her my work.  

She brought another man to the art show and I was heartbroken. She tried to say hello to me and It was awkward to even talk to her for me. The thing is she would kind of complain about getting cat called on the streets and getting attention from other men when she was out and about. I just don't want to be in that same bucket so I do my best to secretly try to avoid her nowadays. I feel like I did something wrong, or texted something wrong to her. I had been playing situations out in my head and going back to review text messages but I can't figure out why. I think I offended her or she thinks I might be a demon secretly. She try's to acknowledge me in church and I awkwardly acknowledge her back. She seems to try to avoid me too I think. I had been going to services where she doesn't attend but sometimes she's there. I don't want to seem needy, so I try to ignore her now unless when she goes out of her way to try and talk to me.

 

You will never build chemistry over texting the Point of texting is to secure a date. That's it. Her attraction may have started to wain with all the attempted texts. Girls like to be challenged and texting can come across as needy and weak. 

Edited September 7, 2023 by Goodguy05

[Herkamer63]

I understand where you're coming from. She was very kind to you to start, maybe there was a chance, you went for it, but ended up empty handed. It stinks because you thought you had someone there for awhile. And what doesn't help is you think about what you may have done wrong and how embarrassing it could have been in front of your friends because you built her up as if she may have been the one (not saying that happened, but guys typically do that), only to see that she isn't. I get all this because I've been there and it's not a good feeling at all, and it makes you feel less. People telling you what you did wrong and want to lecture you on it, then try to hook you up with someone that they themselves wouldn't date (let alone you). So I hope you understand that I am sympathetic to this kind of feeling and what I'm about to say isn't meant to insult nor be condescending.

Anyway, if you want me to be perfectly honest with you, drop the dating sites and apps. In today's world, those things are not male friendly, unless you're a Chad. So many men go on these platforms, start messaging women they like based on their compatibility, only to come up with no replies in return. Sure, a woman may like a profile, but typically, they're looking for validation or it's someone you have no interest in at all. Then if you do meet up for these "dates" or get togethers, it's not for seeking romance but rather for a meal ticket or, again, validation. This isn't to say it's all women on these platforms that do this, but there's too many of them that do and seem like a majority at times. Besides, you're not going to jump start a relationship over the internet or texting. Face to face is the best.

It's cool that you have a passion for art and I really hope you continue it. However, you need to have a good physical hobby to along side it: running, swimming, hiking, dancing, kayaking, weightlifting, etc. Women like it when a guy is active and physical. I won't ask how much you way, but in case you have more weight on you than what you want, start hitting the gym, begin a new diet, wear updated wardrobe (nothing trendy but more modern and stuff that fits you). Start hanging out with your family and friends more. Join up with a social group or two to make new friends, like an art club or if you try a new hobby, join up with them. The point is start getting productive with your out of work activities. As far as work is concerned, kick it into high gear. Start doing the work that'll help you get paid more. Your goal should be focused on your life, not trying to pursue a relationship. I have a friend who's doing that, and, unfortunately, he's failing. Lately, I haven't been speaking to him hardly at all because he's too preoccupied trying to get this woman we both know, She has different goals than what he has in mind, but he hasn't figured that out. Last time I talked to him about something similar, we had a very heated argument, so I'm just letting him find out on his own. Love the guy as a brother, but sometimes it's best to fail and learn from the mistakes.

Now, if you do manage to start talking to a woman, don't text her often. I don't because I have other things that take priority over a potential relationship that I can be in. Putting it simply, I'm busy and the woman I'm interested and talking to right now is also slammed with life. If we're having a bad day or week, it's best just to wait until things get better. Or even it's just a normal week, it's better to contact her when she's not that busy, typically on weekends, then she has a little more time to talk. When you do contact her, keep it to small talk. Don't "hey beautiful" her. There's nothing wrong with compliments, but if she is getting messages from other guys, I guarantee, that kind of talk annoys her. You use that kind of talk when you're with her, but even then, don't do it that often. Once in a while is fine and just enough to let her know that you still care. Even then, especially before you get into a relationship with her, don't simp. It'll turn her off, so treat her as a friend. Until you do get to go out and get into a relationship with whoever it is, keep talking to other women. You may find someone you like more and willing to do things with you.

Which brings me to this and the final part of this essay, if the woman you like doesn't do things with you outside where you typically meet, let alone talk to you, she's probably not interested. Take your attention away from her and go about your business, as you should be. If she truly likes you, she'll want to do things with you that involve activities unrelated to where you originally met. The woman I like, we've known each other for 2 years, but it was only this past year I started taking interest. We met in a ballroom dance class, and at the time I was clocking out of dating and trying to be in a relationship, so when I met her, I decided not to flirt with her but rather stay friends because I figured she was never interested in me. But, in the recent year, as friends (and what looks like more now), we've done karaoke together, pub crawling, gone to a haunted house, went to 2 concerts, celebrated each others birthdays, went on a wine trail, jazz club, doing a 5k soon, we've done quite a bit together as friends, and things we tried to get going but couldn't because of family related issues. However we are trying to find time to go on an actual date, and we've both been very busy. The point I'm making here is, despite what I may think at times, she likes me. Otherwise, she wouldn't invite me nor accept my invites to go do something together. So understand that it's a two way street that you can't be the only one showing interest, and if she doesn't at all, it may be time to move on. As something my dad had told me: Present the cookie to the person, and if that person isn't taking it, pull the cookie away. If they come back after it and take it, that paints a different story. If they don't come after it, present it to someone else.

I know it's tough right now, and it's hard for everyone in the current dating world that want something real. Sometimes, though, we need to be patient. Don't be like the other men out there and rush into one. Know restraint and don't be hasty when there's no need to be. So long as you're focusing on what you need to get done in your life, someone will come along at the most unexpected of times. Take it from a guy who was nearly 150 pounds overweight, with low confidence, who couldn't get a woman to save his life, and didn't get much respect from others around him, and once he turned his life around, things began to improve. It takes time, but, I guarantee you, it's worth the wait. I hope this helps!