Can Someone Explain What Happened? She Vanished.

[Heartbreat]

I started interacting with this young woman online back in April. We matched on OkCupid, had a really nice back and forth conversation and even made plans to meet up and go running together. I'm 33, and she's 20. Toward the end of April, our conversation kind of stalled because she stopped replying, so I waited a week and sent her a message asking her, essentially, "What happened? We were having such an interesting conversation with involved answers, much better than the vapid "What are you up to, hbu?" talk on here, and now you've suddenly stopped talking." She sent me a really long response about how he's she been busy with finals for her college and sometimes isn't really good at remembering to check her conversations, but she hadn't forgotten about me and she still wanted to meet up and run together and get to know each other in person. 

That was that Friday. The weekend went by, and she added some pictures to her profile, and she was online regularly, but she still hadn't maintained contact. I took it for granted that I'd be able to ask her for her number whenever, particularly after her last message, so I never actually got around to it. Four days passed, and I messaged her that following Tuesday asking her how her finals were going. I believe she was already logged in, or maybe she logged in and saw the message afterward, but within a few hours her OkCupid profile was gone. My initial thought was that she blocked me, but that wasn't the case (I verified it by logging into a separate account on a different browser). 

Was I the reason she deleted her account? I'm so confused by what happened. She had been logging in frequently throughout the weekend and into the early part of the week, and it seems like after I sent that message to her on Tuesday asking her about finals, she deleted her account. 

Once I found out I wasn't blocked, my initial thought was that the stress of finals and the pressure of having to maintain multiple conversations led her to delete OKC for her mental health. I actually had an inkling that she'd delete her account soon based on behavioral patterns of similar girls whom I'd interacted with in the past on that site.

Anyway, if we fast forward four months. I didn't really think about her and moved on with my life because I was talking to other girls on there although nothing substantial ever materialized. I got back from a tournament in Fort Lauderdale a few weeks ago and started thinking about her again out of the blue. I wondered whether she really ever existed (I know she did because her name was unique as were her photos). So I spent a lot of time ruminating and trying to understand what happened. Out of curiosity, I did a Facebook search, knowing only her first name, and by some stroke of chance I managed to find her profile. 

When I opened her profile, the first thing I noticed was that she didn't have very many friends. Even though she's a beautiful young woman, her pictures had a maximum of four or five likes, and she only had pictures of herself and her pets. The more I think into it, the more I wonder whether maybe I pressed too hard back in April, and this didn't resonate with her seemingly sheltered personality. Did she find someone else? Was she lying about finals preoccupying her time? Did she just lose interest in me? I feel that what happened had to have been something to do with her state of mind. I can't imagine that I upset her so much as to cause her to not want any more contact with me. It also doesn't seem natural that she found a boyfriend considering how quickly that all happened and the lack of any indication of a significant other on her FB page. 

 

Can you guys help me make sense of this? I know I screwed up significantly by not getting her number, but I really didn't see her doing that. 

 

[basil67]

The first thing which strikes me is that this age gap is very large for someone who's as young as she is.  

The first thing which popped into my mind is that she may have told her family or friends about you and they warned her against it.  Most parents would not welcome a 33yo guy wanting to date their 20yo girl.  This age gap fails the creeper test (half your age +7).    Either that or she just wasn't interested enough.  And that long email about being too busy and not checking messages was just a polite excuse.  Trust me, if she'd been really into you, she would have been checking for messages regularly.

As far a FB goes, people her age don't really use it.  I'm reliably told that they think it's for old people, so I think there's little significance in her not having much of a presence there.

You mention that she has similar behavioural patterns of similar girls who you've met online.  Were they also very young?  

[MsJayne]

51 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

Can you guys help me make sense of this?

Yes. She wasn't interested in you for anything other than potential friendship and she was starting to feel a bit smothered by the expectation of regular contact with someone she hadn't even met. 

54 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

I actually had an inkling that she'd delete her account soon based on behavioral patterns of similar girls whom I'd interacted with in the past on that site.

This is quite worrying if it's a pattern. It sounds like more your pattern than theirs . 

[JTSW]

You have become far too obsessed about a girl you've never met.

The text you sent her asking where she had been was a bit heavy.

Whatever the reason for her backing off doesn't matter.

She lost interest pure and simple.

You come off as rather stalkerish when it comes to her in my opinion.

2 hours ago, Heartbreat said:

I feel that what happened had to have been something to do with her state of mind. I can't imagine that I upset her so much as to cause her to not want any more contact with me. It also doesn't seem natural that she found a boyfriend considering how quickly that all happened and the lack of any indication of a significant other on her FB page. 

Dude, stop. 

Her dating profile was still up so it's not impossible that she met someone else in that time.

Do you think you are that desirable that once a woman has met you that they will never want to look at another?

I don't think you upset her in any way, I think you are just a bit much to take.

Also, not everyone discloses whether they have a bf or not on social media.

You need to leave this alone and stop stalking her social media.

You have become obsessed.

Edited August 14, 2023 by JTSW

[Heartbreat]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

The first thing which strikes me is that this age gap is very large for someone who's as young as she is.  

The first thing which popped into my mind is that she may have told her family or friends about you and they warned her against it.  Most parents would not welcome a 33yo guy wanting to date their 20yo girl.  This age gap fails the creeper test (half your age +7).    Either that or she just wasn't interested enough.  And that long email about being too busy and not checking messages was just a polite excuse.  Trust me, if she'd been really into you, she would have been checking for messages regularly.

As far a FB goes, people her age don't really use it.  I'm reliably told that they think it's for old people, so I think there's little significance in her not having much of a presence there.

You mention that she has similar behavioural patterns of similar girls who you've met online.  Were they also very young?  

I suppose that's all very much possible. She doesn't seem like the type to open up to her family. Like I said, all of her pictures were of her and her cats, same with her FB page. You'd hardly notice she has family or friends. I'm sure she's probably close with her immediate family and some really intimate friends, but I'm used to girls who are as attractive as she is having 1k+ followers on Instagram and having a ton of photos from social events. I'm becoming ever more convinced that my message caused her to delete her account, even though it was an innocuous question. I think it caused her guilt because, even though she was studying for her finals, it wasn't time consuming to the extent that she couldn't meet up for dates or sustain conversations. So, on the one hand, she couldn't find a guy who didn't just want to sleep with her, and on the other she had lied to one of the few guys who had substantive conversations with her, so she rage deleted her profile. Otherwise, it wouldn't make sense for her to have deleted it on a random Tuesday afternoon when she had been logging in non-stop prior to my sending that final message. I really didn't think I pushed any boundaries by doing that. The only thing I could have done differently was asked for her number when she sent that long apologetic message, but maybe procuring her number wouldn't have been the guarantee that I thought it'd be. 

Yes, they've all been in their late teens and early 20s when they've rage deleted like that. It's pretty sad. 

[Heartbreat]

2 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Yes. She wasn't interested in you for anything other than potential friendship and she was starting to feel a bit smothered by the expectation of regular contact with someone she hadn't even met. 

"How are your finals coming along?" after four days of not messaging her is smothering her? 

[Heartbreat]

39 minutes ago, JTSW said:

You have become obsessed.

If that were the case, I'd be thinking of ways of "spontaneously" encountering her at a public place in her hometown.  

[JTSW]

12 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

If that were the case, I'd be thinking of ways of "spontaneously" encountering her at a public place in her hometown.  

The fact that you have actually just said that shows you have been thinking exactly that lol.

You may not see it, but you have become obsessed.

What are you hoping to get out of obsessing about this?

I can guarantee that she hasn't given you a single thought and is enjoying her life with her friends and family.

She'd be horrified by your behaviour here.

Edited August 14, 2023 by JTSW

[JTSW]

3 minutes ago, JTSW said:

The fact that you have actually just said that shows you have been thinking exactly that lol.

You may not see it, but you have become obsessed.

What exactly do you want now?

I can guarantee that she hasn't given you a single thought and is enjoying her life with her friends and family.

She'd be horrified by your behaviour here.

 

[JTSW]

15 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

"How are your finals coming along?" after four days of not messaging her is smothering her? 

Yes, because you didn't take the the hint the first time.

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Heartbreat said:

I started interacting with this young woman online back in April. We matched on OkCupid, had a really nice back and forth conversation and even made plans to meet up and go running together. I'm 33, and she's 20. Toward the end of April, our conversation kind of stalled because she stopped replying, so I waited a week and sent her a message asking her, essentially, "What happened?

She sent me a really long response about how he's she been busy with finals for her college and sometimes isn't really good at remembering to check her conversations, but she hadn't forgotten about me and she still wanted to meet up and run together and get to know each other in person. 

I took it for granted that I'd be able to ask her for her number whenever, particularly after her last message, so I never actually got around to it.

Sounds like you waited too long before taking it offline.

I am not sure when your date was set but it sounds like you let some time go by without exchanging phone numbers and/or meeting.

That may have been part of the problem. It sounds like you were both interested in getting to know each other but didn't take the necessary steps to make it happen. With the texting frequency it was a bit much for not taking it offline. You chatted with her like two people in a relationship but without taking it offline she most likely felt things were getting stale and uncomfortable.

Maybe she was overwhelmed with exams and had to focus on that, or maybe she found someone else that she was more comfortable talking to. It is difficult to know for sure what happened, but it was not entirely your fault. You initiated the conversation and maintained contact, but at some point you needed to take the conversation into a different medium.

There's also the age factor. It's not uncommon for someone her age to suddenly change their mind about meeting in person if they are as young as she is. I would suggest in the future taking it offline earlier. If you continue to text each other for weeks and weeks without taking it further, then it's likely to fizzle out.

Edited August 14, 2023 by Alpacalia

[MsJayne]

1 hour ago, Heartbreat said:

"How are your finals coming along?" after four days of not messaging her is smothering her? 

It sounds like she was misleading you by pretending to be interested in meeting up, in her mind letting you down gently, but was actually giving you the brush off. No matter what you said in your final attempt to contact her, she would interpret it as unwanted contact because when she told you she was busy that’s date site speak for, “I’m not that interested.”

[MsJayne]

1 hour ago, Heartbreat said:

she rage deleted her profile 

Is “rage deleting” a new thing? What does it even mean?  The person becomes enraged and deletes their profile? And you say it’s young women who do this, late teens to early twenties 🤔.  What are all these teenagers enraged about? 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Heartbreat said:

If that were the case, I'd be thinking of ways of "spontaneously" encountering her at a public place in her hometown.  

Unfortunately she didn't seem that interested for whatever reasons. You've researched her quite extensively, but you never met and don't know her. So the reasons she faded may never be clear. 

Basically if someone won't meet in a timely manner it's a red flag. Please suggest meeting for a brief coffee in a safe public place after a couple of messages.

Asking a college girl to meet up and go running together could be off putting for meeting a stranger from a dating app. 

[JTSW]

2 hours ago, Heartbreat said:

She doesn't seem like the type to open up to her family.

You don't know her.

You never met her.

2 hours ago, Heartbreat said:

I think it caused her guilt because, even though she was studying for her finals, it wasn't time consuming to the extent that she couldn't meet up for dates or sustain conversations.

And how exactly do you know her finals weren't time consuming to her?

I'd love to know how you think you know her so well when you've never met her lol

[JTSW]

2 hours ago, Heartbreat said:

So, on the one hand, she couldn't find a guy who didn't just want to sleep with her, and on the other she had lied to one of the few guys who had substantive conversations with her, so she rage deleted her profile. Otherwise, it wouldn't make sense for her to have deleted it on a random Tuesday afternoon when she had been logging in non-stop prior to my sending that final message.

Dude, she deleted it because 1. she could likely see you were stalking her on it every day and 2. She met someone she genuinely liked and wanted to give it a go with them.

Either way, it's not your business is it.

Let it go.

[Ageless Wisdom23]

I find it strange that even if she was not into You, Why just zap away her profile like that?  Could be she found someone else but I have a feeling she was a catfish.  Move on from her.  I do not trust her.  Red Flags.😐

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Heartbreat said:

I suppose that's all very much possible. She doesn't seem like the type to open up to her family. Like I said, all of her pictures were of her and her cats, same with her FB page. You'd hardly notice she has family or friends. I'm sure she's probably close with her immediate family and some really intimate friends, but I'm used to girls who are as attractive as she is having 1k+ followers on Instagram and having a ton of photos from social events. I'm becoming ever more convinced that my message caused her to delete her account, even though it was an innocuous question. I think it caused her guilt because, even though she was studying for her finals, it wasn't time consuming to the extent that she couldn't meet up for dates or sustain conversations. So, on the one hand, she couldn't find a guy who didn't just want to sleep with her, and on the other she had lied to one of the few guys who had substantive conversations with her, so she rage deleted her profile. Otherwise, it wouldn't make sense for her to have deleted it on a random Tuesday afternoon when she had been logging in non-stop prior to my sending that final message. I really didn't think I pushed any boundaries by doing that. The only thing I could have done differently was asked for her number when she sent that long apologetic message, but maybe procuring her number wouldn't have been the guarantee that I thought it'd be. 

@Heartbreat It seems to me that you're creating quite the story for someone you barely know.  I mean, you've come up with a theory on her home life based on nothing more than the fact that she's not big on FB.  

Asking for her number after her message would have only told her that you can't read between the lines.  In stating that she doesn't check her messages, she was telling you that you're a low priority to her.  

Quote

Yes, they've all been in their late teens and early 20s when they've rage deleted like that. It's pretty sad. 

The sad part is that you're creeping on young girls.  At your age, you shouldn't be considering anyone younger than 25.  If you keep it up, are you prepared to come up against protective fathers and older brothers?  Or mothers for that matter.  

And I doubt there's any rage deleting going on.  It's more likely she just felt it was all a waste of time and took a break.  My daughter used to do that all the time in her early 20's

Edited August 14, 2023 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

15 minutes ago, Ageless Wisdom23 said:

I find it strange that even if she was not into You, Why just zap away her profile like that?  Could be she found someone else but I have a feeling she was a catfish.  Move on from her.  I do not trust her.  Red Flags.😐

Probably because she got bored of the endless chit chat and incessant peering into her life.

Next time, set up a date earlier. If she says no, move on.

Edited August 14, 2023 by Alpacalia

[basil67]

xxx

 

Edited August 14, 2023 by basil67

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, Heartbreat said:

I know I screwed up significantly by not getting her number, but I really didn't see her doing that. 

I don’t think you screwed up by not getting her number. I don’t think it was ever meant to be with this girl.

Why are you trying to date a 20 year old girl? I ask mostly because, if you are looking for a serious relationship - you’re not going to find what you are searching for with a 20 year old college student. She has a whole different set of priorities right now and serious relationship with a 33 year old man is likely not on that list. 
 

That said, she is clearly not interested. Time for you to quit perseverating on her and move on with your life. 

Edited August 14, 2023 by BaileyB

[JTSW]

In your previous posts you have done this with other girls.

Girls who are just teenagers when you are in your 30s.

The last 19 yr old girl had to literally spell it out for you and because you kept pushing her, she blocked you.

I see a pattern here.

You go for much younger girls that aren't on your wavelength.

It's also weird.

Why do you go for much younger girls?

And why can't you accept it when they are not interested in you?

 

Edited August 14, 2023 by JTSW

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, JTSW said:

 

In your previous posts you have done this with other girls.

Girls who are just teenager when you are in your 30s.

They may be young but they are obviously not stupid. No doubt, they end it because they see what you are doing in much the same way that we find it odd that a man in his mid-30’s is trying to pursue college girls. 

[Heartbreat]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Probably because she got bored of the endless chit chat and incessant peering into her life.

Next time, set up a date earlier. If she says no, move on.

That makes sense. Also, she comes from a small town, so maybe it made her uncomfortable because people she went to elementary and high school might have come across her profile. The timing still doesn't make sense, though. It makes it seem like my message triggered her deletion of her profile. I can't imagine that my message on a Tuesday afternoon just happened to coincide with her sudden commitment to another man when she had been on that site non-stop for a month. It's a bit discouraging to think that I might have discomfited her. 

[Ami1uwant]

You are 33 and she’s 20….that should explain it all.