Am I wrong to want him to break off the connection with these 2 sisters?

[Mystified-K]

Last year April I found out my husband of 36 years has been talking to a female friend everyday (except Sundays and some Saturdays when he work) from 6am-12am and at times a 10. 15 0r 20 minutes break in between calls for over 4 months. I got suspicious and checked our mobile account and saw all the calls.  While he's in the room in the dark talking to her i was in our family room watching TV until 1am and he knows that which made it easier for him to be on the phone with her. I know he said that she had a problem with her eldest son doing drugs and lashing out and he was helping. But how is helping her results in a 18hr phone call daily? I told him he had an emotional affair with her and he's in denial. Until this day he has not and will not tell me what their conversation was. What makes this even worse is that she's married and I know the husband is not aware of this. 

Now that he broke off the connection with her, her sister is now fixates on him.  He told me that the sister #2 did not know the reason why he stop talking to sister #1 and I told him don't be a fool because women talk to each other, because sister # 2 called him 2 months after I found out about sister #1 to tell him sister #1 and her husband was coming down to visit and he panicked and told her that he can't put them up. If sister # 2 did not know  why would she call for sister #1 to tell him about their visit and that they were staying at a hotel like they normally do before he invited them to stay with us when they were having their emotional affair. What confirms my suspicion even more is that Sister #1 was falling for him, is that he brought her and her husband and child in our home to spend a 4 day weekend with us and when they were going back home (they live out of state) and they made a stop at a rest area, she called my husband for 3 mins. Our marriage has been doing well until he brought these 2 much younger women in our lives.

 He has pride and don't want to break off the connection with the other sister (#2) because he doesn't want their parents to know.  Our latest argument was back in June when I asked him outright about the sister that is fixated on him because I saw that she's been calling him every month 3-5 times for the month. He got upset and destroyed his phone and went out the next day and got a new phone under his name so I will no longer see his calls.  I told him since the situation with sister #1 I have been on high alert because we did not fully resolved that issue to move forward.  Now he doesn't want me to tell him who he can and can't talk to but I told him I don't care who he talks to as long as it's not these 2 women.  Am I wrong?
 

[Alpacalia]

51 minutes ago, Mystified-K said:

Am I wrong?

You're wrong for wanting to stay with him, he's a cheater and has violated your trust in the worst ways possible. He was in an emotional and potentially physical affair with Sister #1, and Sister #2 appears to be fixated on him and expecting him to continue a relationship with her. He is in denial of the affair with Sister #1 and has taken multiple steps to cover his tracks, which only confirms your suspicion.

Edited August 14, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

44 minutes ago, Mystified-K said:

Last year April I found out my husband of 36 years has been talking to a female friend everyday (except Sundays and some Saturdays when he work) from 6am-12am and at times a 10. 15 0r 20 minutes break in between calls for over 4 months. I got suspicious and checked our mobile account and saw all the calls.  While he's in the room in the dark talking to her i was in our family room watching TV until 1am and he knows that which made it easier for him to be on the phone with her. I know he said that she had a problem with her eldest son doing drugs and lashing out and he was helping. But how is helping her results in a 18hr phone call daily? I told him  . He got upset and destroyed his phone and went out the next day and got a new phone under his name so I will no longer see his calls. he doesn't want me to tell him who he can and can't talk to 

Sorry this is happening. Your instincts seem correct that there's some type of emotional affair or inappropriate relationship. 

Please consult an attorney privately and confidentiality for information support and advice regarding your situation. Do not tell your husband or threaten divorce. 

In the meantime ask him to sleep in the guest room, discontinue intimacy, discontinue all household support. Let him do all his own cleaning, shopping, cooking, laundry, etc.  Go out with friends and family be busy out of the house. 

He won't have extra time on his hands to amuse himself with these women if he has to be responsible.

Or he can chitchat with them all day and wear his underwear inside out when the laundry piles up. He's acting like a bachelor, let him live like one.

Stop enabling him. Obviously destroying his phone won't help. It's not the problem. 

[Mystified-K]

10 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

You're wrong for wanting to stay with him, he's a cheater and has violated your trust in the worst ways possible. He was in an emotional and potentially physical affair with Sister #1, and Sister #2 appears to be fixated on him and expecting him to continue a relationship with her. He is in denial of the affair with Sister #1 and has taken multiple steps to cover his tracks, which only confirms your suspicion.

At this point I no longer want to be in the relationship and last week after we returned from our vacation we had a terrible argument where he said something to our daughter (21 yr old) and she said you are not a nice person.  I even brought up the fact that he brought these two women is our marriage to destroy it and he totally cried to me 3 days later saying now our children ages 34, 27 and 21 thinks he cheated.  He did cheat and still delusional and in denial.  Sister #1 whose husband is clueless asked him to be their baby godfather and he turned it down because he didn't want me offended.  The thing also he told sister #2 that the reason why he turned it down was because I was upset that he was talking to sister #1 too much leaving out the time frame so now sister #2 thinks I am a horrible person and that their sister 19 yr old can't come and visit us, which is a No No for me and he told her it was ok. But he will not have that opportunity because I'm going to consult legal representation

[Mystified-K]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Your instincts seem correct that there's some type of emotional affair or inappropriate relationship. 

Please consult an attorney privately and confidentiality for information support and advice regarding your situation. Do not tell your husband or threaten divorce. 

In the meantime ask him to sleep in the guest room, discontinue intimacy, discontinue all household support. Let him do all his own cleaning, shopping, cooking, laundry, etc.  Go out with friends and family be busy out of the house. 

He won't have extra time on his hands to amuse himself with these women if he has to be responsible.

Or he can chitchat with them all day and wear his underwear inside out when the laundry piles up. He's acting like a bachelor, let him live like one.

Stop enabling him. Obviously destroying his phone won't help. It's not the problem. 

I have done all that, he has not been cooking his own meal and washing his own clothes. I am consulting a lawyer. That's exactly what I told him, that he's acting like he's single.  Disrespecting our marriage. Well he found out the hard way because when he had his phone under my plan he had so many benefits now with the plan he has he can't use it when he goes international like I can.  He just made things harder for him.  Throwing accusations at me when he knows he's wrong.

[Alpacalia]

Just now, Mystified-K said:

At this point I no longer want to be in the relationship and last week after we returned from our vacation we had a terrible argument where he said something to our daughter (21 yr old) and she said you are not a nice person.  I even brought up the fact that he brought these two women is our marriage to destroy it and he totally cried to me 3 days later saying now our children ages 34, 27 and 21 thinks he cheated.  He did cheat and still delusional and in denial.  Sister #1 whose husband is clueless asked him to be their baby godfather and he turned it down because he didn't want me offended.  The thing also he told sister #2 that the reason why he turned it down was because I was upset that he was talking to sister #1 too much leaving out the time frame so now sister #2 thinks I am a horrible person and that their sister 19 yr old can't come and visit us, which is a No No for me and he told her it was ok. But he will not have that opportunity because I'm going to consult legal representation

Please extricate yourself from this. This isn't Sister Wives. He just doesn't get it. Good to consult a lawyer and figure out the next steps for getting out of this destructive marriage. He obviously has no respect for the relationship or you or the children. He is going around causing all sorts of damage and confusion with his bending of the truth. You deserve better than this, and you definitely need to look out for yourself.

[Mystified-K]

7 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Please extricate yourself from this. This isn't Sister Wives. He just doesn't get it. Good to consult a lawyer and figure out the next steps for getting out of this destructive marriage. He obviously has no respect for the relationship or you or the children. He is going around causing all sorts of damage and confusion with his bending of the truth. You deserve better than this, and you definitely need to look out for yourself.

I'm definitely looking out for myself. I can't be with a man who think he's single and that I am taking away his freedom.  I'm not doing anything to him, my mother and brothers know that I love this man very much and they're very angry as I am.  When we were living in New York 20 something years ago he was never into cellphone all of a sudden since 2014 he has become addicted to it even now more worst than ever.  If I am on my phone he's upset and I should be upset if he's on his.  It's like he's saying it's okay for him but not for me.  I'm always reading my books through kindle app on my phone or on a live youtube gospel show that my brother keeps on Tuesday and Friday and he thinks I'm chatting with people. SMH

[JTSW]

If he felt the need to hide it then it's not innocent.

It's an emotional affair at its deepest.

Take him for everything he's got and make him regret every moment he was on the phone to them.

[mark clemson]

22 hours ago, Mystified-K said:

I told him he had an emotional affair with her and he's in denial.

 That sounds accurate, except in your case I doubt he's in denial, he's just not admitting to it.

 

22 hours ago, Mystified-K said:

Our marriage has been doing well until he brought these 2 much younger women in our lives.

 But how is helping her results in a 18hr phone call daily?

I don't think it was doing well, actually. In addition to being "separate" enough for this to apparently happen, you come across as pretty matter-of-fact about what is likely your impending divorce. Perhaps you're not conveying how distressed you are over what happened and the prospect of divorcing in posts? 

At any rate, it at least sounds like you've been emotionally disconnected from each other for so long that it's become normal for you both. Somewhere in those 36 years the "connection" that your relationship was initally founded on withered away, and I rather suspect you both started taking each other for granted. That is certainly unfortunately, but c'est la vie, I guess. This is part of why people cheat and/or divorce, and 36 years is a long time...

Edited August 15, 2023 by mark clemson

[Mystified-K]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

 That sounds accurate, except in your case I doubt he's in denial, he's just not admitting to it.

 

I don't think it was doing well, actually. In addition to being "separate" enough for this to apparently happen, you come across as pretty matter-of-fact about what is likely your impending divorce. Perhaps you're not conveying how distressed you are over what happened and the prospect of divorcing in posts? 

At any rate, it at least sounds like you've been emotionally disconnected from each other for so long that it's become normal for you both. Somewhere in those 36 years the "connection" that your relationship was initally founded on withered away, and I rather suspect you both started taking each other for granted. That is certainly unfortunately, but c'est la vie, I guess. This is part of why people cheat and/or divorce, and 36 years is a long time...

I said the same thing that he take me for granted.  Lord knows I love him and still do. I've even brought up the fact that he likes to be people's hero.  He chat away with everyone during his workday (he's a field technician) and never have time to call in and check on his wife. The only time I hear from him is if I need to pick up his medication, run other errands, make his dr. appt or do something for his family member.  That's why I feel that he's the one that take things for granted.  More like he wants to also have his cake and eat it too.  We went on a cruise in March, then April to Jamaica and we just came back from another vacation.  He's good at wanting us going away and all but he's not seeing that these doesn't make up the fact that he's the one that is distance. Yes 36 years is long along with 3 children ages 34, 27 and 20.

[glows]

If there’s no ability to reconcile I would not discuss any indication of seeing a lawyer. Just do it privately without announcing it to him or any other family members. Don’t bother drawing attention to this or bother seeing him grovel. The end goal is to extricate yourself as swiftly and effectively as possible with the correct legal advice. 

I’m sorry to hear this. There’s more to life after divorce. Seek appropriate counselling as there are those who specialize in divorce/separation and successful coparenting. Don’t discuss any details of the divorce or marriage breakdown with the kids as it will force them to take sides. They deserve a relationship with both parents.

[JTSW]

12 hours ago, Mystified-K said:

The only time I hear from him is if I need to pick up his medication, run other errands, make his dr. appt or do something for his family member. 

That's not good.

You're just essentially his maid.

Just remind yourself that his claim of 'helping' the sisters was bs.

If it was just helping then he would've gladly shown you the conversations between them.

Because he refused to show you means their conversations were inappropriate and full proof of an affair.

Edited August 16, 2023 by JTSW

[Alvi]

You could try a marriage counseling as a last ditch. That way, you can say that you have tried everything possible to save your marriage. It may or may not work. He may refuse to go. But at least you have tried. Or it may you give a push to file for a divorce. But I am very sorry that this is what it came to after 36 years of marriage.

[Mystified-K]

On 8/16/2023 at 1:21 AM, glows said:

If there’s no ability to reconcile I would not discuss any indication of seeing a lawyer. Just do it privately without announcing it to him or any other family members. Don’t bother drawing attention to this or bother seeing him grovel. The end goal is to extricate yourself as swiftly and effectively as possible with the correct legal advice. 

I’m sorry to hear this. There’s more to life after divorce. Seek appropriate counselling as there are those who specialize in divorce/separation and successful coparenting. Don’t discuss any details of the divorce or marriage breakdown with the kids as it will force them to take sides. They deserve a relationship with both parents.

Sorry I'm just seeing your comment, thank you at this time we have been doing counseling and working on the marriage.  He has a lot to work on and so far we are communicating better than before.  I'm hopeful and praying as we are approaching our anniversary in 2 weeks.

[Mystified-K]

On 8/16/2023 at 4:22 AM, JTSW said:

That's not good.

You're just essentially his maid.

Just remind yourself that his claim of 'helping' the sisters was bs.

If it was just helping then he would've gladly shown you the conversations between them.

Because he refused to show you means their conversations were inappropriate and full proof of an affair.

Sorry for the late response to your reply. We have been working on reconciling but I am going forward with my eyes wide open.  I agree, i was merely a errand person for him.  I told him that as well how is helping her turn into a 18hr call throughout the day and night for over 4 months.  My daughter said something to him that made him breakdown and cry to me.  She told him he's a terrible person and he feel that the kids now hate him because of this. When I asked him to let me see those text message he had deleted them so I know that there was inappropriate emotional affair that went down.  He did told me that Sister #2 told him she was pregnant and when I found out that the baby was born in May I realized it took her 5 months to get back in sync with her husband and it result in another child (they already have one besides her oldest one who is an outside child). With counseling we are working on things but as I said with my eyes wide open.

[Mystified-K]

On 8/24/2023 at 12:11 PM, Alvi said:

You could try a marriage counseling as a last ditch. That way, you can say that you have tried everything possible to save your marriage. It may or may not work. He may refuse to go. But at least you have tried. Or it may you give a push to file for a divorce. But I am very sorry that this is what it came to after 36 years of marriage.

Thanks for commenting, we have been seeing a counselor and is working towards mending our marriage. I'm keeping my faith and keeping my eyes wide open. Our anniversary is in 2 weeks and I'm hoping that we can take that time even its for the weekend to go away to help the rebuilding process.