He's having me evicted

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, Lilac243 said:

Now it really is difficult to find a job that I don't have a solid work history, don't have a driver's license here, the jobs here don't fit my skills, etc. It severely limits my options. I'm still trying though and have been for a while. 

If none of the jobs in Sweden fit your skills you will have to learn new skills there or move back to the US so you can earn a liviing and take care of yourself.  The courts will still wonder about the 5 years you didn't work.  It's doubtful he's going to say he told you not to work.

Edited August 15, 2023 by stillafool

[Lilac243]

At this point, I'm just trying to figure out how to not be evicted from my home before I have the resources to move. I understand that I need to figure out my employment situation and intend to do so. With the circumstances I'm currently in, I'm worried about actually becoming homeless if my partner has this go through. I feel really betrayed because I trusted him and there's no reason he had to take it this far. I truly was good to him and sacrificed a lot. I trusted him, but I don't anymore.

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, Lilac243 said:

 He purchased the home, but we moved in together and it was intended to be our home together. 

You've been served legal papers that you need to respond to. You need to research the laws in your jurisdiction to find a way to respond. 

You have rights as a resident but you need to research what the best recourse is. It's rather hostile and definitive to get an attorney to draw up eviction papers.

Please stop talking about "our" house and jobs and driving when you could be homeless in a few days if you don't get appropriate legal advice. 

You seem to hope it's a joke and he'll change his mind. But this seems rather serious. Does the eviction notice state the grounds for the eviction?  

Edited August 15, 2023 by Wiseman2

[BrinnM]

Sweden is very liberal when it comes to cohabitation, so even if you’re unmarried, partners in such relationships have equal rights - by law - over all property acquired for joint use--no matter who paid for it.

Now, the question is: Does this apply to US citizens as well, or only to Swedish/EU citizens? My guess would be that it would apply to the OP as well. But that should be easy to figure out. 

I think what will benefit her is the length of the relationship, 15 years in total, and 8 of these in Sweden. I’m 95% sure she’ll have some rights here. Lilac, you need to speak to a lawyer. I am 100% sure you can get a free consultation easily. Especially in Sweden! They’ve got really good social services. 

 

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, Lilac243 said:

At this point, I'm just trying to figure out how to not be evicted from my home before I have the resources to move. I understand that I need to figure out my employment situation and intend to do so. With the circumstances I'm currently in, I'm worried about actually becoming homeless if my partner has this go through. I feel really betrayed because I trusted him and there's no reason he had to take it this far. I truly was good to him and sacrificed a lot. I trusted him, but I don't anymore.

I think it would be wise to work on getting the resources at this point.  Look for jobs, apply for legal aide and possibly welfare if you qualify, contact churches for financial help and seek free legal advice about your rights.  I would also look into shelters just so you'll know what to do if that becomes your last option at some point.

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

Sweden is very liberal when it comes to cohabitation, so even if you’re unmarried, partners in such relationships have equal rights - by law - over all property acquired for joint use--no matter who paid for it.

This is good but suppose he doesn't want to cohabitate with OP.  If he calls for the sale of the home to split the assets can she afford to keep the house until it sells?

[BaileyB]

26 minutes ago, Lilac243 said:

He actually discouraged me in the past from taking on freelance work. Now it really is difficult to find a job that I don't have a solid work history, don't have a driver's license here, the jobs here don't fit my skills, etc. It severely limits my options. 

I don’t know that you have much opportunity to pick and choose what you do at this point. You need a job - whether it fits your skills or not. Your days of living for free while your partner pays the bills are gone…

In the future, when a man discourages you from working and earning your own living, that is a huge red flag. He discouraged you from establishing your own independence and financial security. It severely limited your options and your ability to support yourself to be sure. 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

Try and seek Legal Aide Pro Bono help.  I am not certain if he is bluffing about a lawyer and so Forth, But I do know he means business in wanting you gone from his house and life.  You are common law so not even sure you would get anything.  Please, Seek help even with Social Services or contact a Women's Shelter for help.  I don't trust this guy as far as I can throw him UP.😒

Edited August 15, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23

[MsJayne]

1 hour ago, Lilac243 said:

He also goes on huge spending and non sleeping sprees when he wants me to leave.

This could be an indicator of a mental health issue, as is smearing you to friends or other people as a means of isolating you, and also the way he's stonewalling you. You would need to discuss his behaviour with someone qualified to make a call on  his mental health, but they can't really do that without dealing with him directly. I find it interesting that you tagged your mother as a narcissist, it's very common for children of narcissistic parents to tolerate emotional abuse from a  partner. Can you gain access to a counsellor or psychologist? You'll need someone to advocate for you and support you while you go through this. The links below might give you a bit of an idea whether your suspicions are on target and what you're dealing with, but you really do need a qualified opinion. Do you have friends back in the US who could give you some support, anyone who knows him well enough to know this side of him? 

https://psychcentral.com/bipolar/spending-sprees-in-bipolar-disorder

https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissist-smear-campaign/

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Lilac243 said:

 Because of the past I continued on with the mindset that he will "change his mind" again. he actually hired an attorney, but instead of a seperation he has filed for my eviction. 

Are you considered common law spouses in your jurisdiction?  This varies tremendously. So you need to find this out. Has he asked you to leave prior to filing these papers? 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Lilac243 said:

I feel really betrayed because I trusted him and there's no reason he had to take it this far.

Unfortunately, you did not protect yourself. You could have done two things - sought employment when you were legally able to work to support yourself and enhance your employability. You also could have requested a legal agreement that would have informed and protected your rights and financial security in event of separation, divorce, or death. Unfortunately, you did neither. 
 

1 hour ago, Lilac243 said:

I truly was good to him and sacrificed a lot.

Unfortunately, it means nothing at this point because separation/divorce is all about division of assets and the law. You’re soon to be ex-common-law spouse and his lawyers don’t care at this point how much you sacrificed. It’s a very hard lesson to learn. 

Emotional reasoning is not going to get you very far at this point. You need to get a lawyer and start dealing with the legalities of the end of this relationship. 
 

1 hour ago, Lilac243 said:

I'm just trying to figure out how to not be evicted from my home before I have the resources to move. 

Again, I believe that in Canada homesteader rights prevents your common law spouse from evicting you or selling the home without your consent. You need to consult a lawyer to learn more about your rights in Sweden. 

And yes, I agree with MsJayne, that’s classic manic behavior. Not to diagnose anyone, but that’s classic manic behavior. 


 

Edited August 15, 2023 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

39 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you considered common law spouses in your jurisdiction?  This varies tremendously. So you need to find this out. Has he asked you to leave prior to filing these papers? 

 

4 hours ago, Lilac243 said:

 Mostly he would go through periods where he'd decide that for one reason or another I'm horrible and he wants to separate. He would tell me to leave and that he wants to be alone. Then, he would always beg for me not to leave and things would go back to normal. This would happen every few years. Sometimes he would leave and stay somewhere else for a few weeks. 

Now, it's happening again. But this is the worst it's ever been. He told me he's completely done with me and we've never been in a relationship. Because of the past I continued on with the mindset that he will "change his mind" again.

 

[stillafool]

I'm a bit surprised that you haven't already found out what your rights are considering he's asked you to leave multiple times through out the years.

[Lilac243]

I honestly posted on here to vent about my relationship because I'm very stressed out and sad about the situation. I truly appreciate everyone's advice, but I'm also feeling a little bit judged. I have already contacted a lawyer, just waiting for them to call me back. I'm 100% sure that under the Swedish law we are common law spouses. I have no doubt about that. He's just claiming now that we were never in a relationship, which I don't get, but it's obviously not true. I'm treating this like the very serious situation that it is, regardless of his mental health or any reasons he has to want me out. I know he's obviously serious to hire lawyers. 

I have spoken to legal counsel in the past about my rights. This was long before he ever took any action against me. I was just caught off guard because it seems like he went through some kind of a loophole that I don't know he can even proceed with. (Which is why I contacted a lawyer now again).  He has never taken any sort of legal action against me in the past and his behavior is upsetting to me. Especially that he refuses to talk to me about the situation and is acting like nothing is happening. It's adding another layer to what I'm going through. We have many shared things together (including pets we both love) and it's weird to me that he won't talk about what he wants. I'm not even trying to take half of the house necessarily, I just don't want to end up homeless. It's strange to me that he has no compassion for the pain he's causing me. This could all be settled in a very different way and it's weird to me that he's choosing to proceed like this after I've been good to him. 

We are not fighting in person. He was flirtatious with me this weekend. I agree that the situation is not good and I can no longer trust him, but I used to. He even wrote me a message in the past that he'd never ever kick me out even if we split up. I now think that's pretty weird he said that specifically to me and that's exactly what he's trying to do now. I feel really sad and I guess I'm just trying to process the emotional part of it as well. Sure, I knew that him ending the relationship was always an option, but I never in a million years thought he would go about it like this. 

Edited August 16, 2023 by Lilac243

[MsJayne]

I just read your 2016 post. He has a whole history of emotionally abusive behaviour towards you and I'm having trouble understanding why you would allow yourself to be dependent on this person in any way, but I'll put it down to your family background and what you've been groomed to cope with, (an assumption, and I certainly don't mean to be judgmental of your circumstances as only you know what's gone on over the years).  I'm glad you've spoken to a lawyer. Is there anyone you know in Sweden who you could turn to for a bit of support, and how do you get along with his family, (I assume they're in the US)? If he does have a mental health issue that drives this behaviour then his family will be familiar with it and, depending on his relationship with them, they may be able to sway him to stop the litigation. Is that a possibility, or no? 

[basil67]

Hi Lilac243, my husband and I are common law married too, so I understand that you likely have a claim on his house and a right of residence.  

I'm not a lawyer, but in your shoes, this is what I'd try  

1. ask your lawyer if they agree that you're considered to be a common law partner (evidence..shared bed, shared finances, shared holidays)

2. If this is agreed, explain the circumstances about having no money and ask if they can put a caveat on the shared residence for their payment

3. if they can do that, quash the the eviction and then file for dissolution of your common law relationship and establish a claim for your share of the assets.   The lawyer bills would be paid when the settlement is complete.  

Edited August 16, 2023 by basil67

[IrinaM]

Lilac there's two separate issues here.

One is the logistical and legal stuff. Where will you go, how will you support yourself, is he allowed to kick you out, do you have rights to the house, etc. Really these are things you are going to have to research and solve yourself, as your situation sounds unique (various countries, common law marriage).

Then there is the relationship itself. I think everyone will agree that this man is a horrible choice of partner for you and that you should not continue to invest your time in this relationship. Please don't worry or try to research whether his actions are a better fit for borderline, bipolar, narcissist, etc. It doesn't matter. Just cut him out of your life and start planning your next move.

How long has it been since you worked?

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Lilac243 said:

. He's just claiming now that we were never in a relationship.  it seems like he went through some kind of a loophole 

It's good you contacted an attorney. Unfortunately he may be claiming you're squatting and a domestic partnership never existed. It may be false but the onus is on you to defend yourself.

Please contact welfare/social services for help with housing and other support. It would be better to get on the waiting list for homeless shelters now than waiting until the sheriff removes you from the premises.

Which unfortunately you're at risk for if he can do a lot of legal finessing. Of course your attorney will help you come up with a defence but you still need to consider moving out and stabilizing your life.

 

[MsJayne]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please contact welfare/social services for help with housing and other support.

Wiseman, Lilac already has looked into this, she's not eligible. 

[MsJayne]

You may have already spoken to these people, but if you haven't, maybe give it a go. Financial control and threatening to evict you from your home is domestic abuse. 

https://www.migrationsverket.se/English/Private-individuals/Help-for-those-who-are-living-with-domestic-violence.html

 

[NuevoYorko]

Do you have any friends or family members at all, anywhere?  You need to gather some support system on a personal level, not just the social and legal services piece.

Please don't tell me you haven't  maintained any friendships since being with this guy for the past 15 years ... I hope that's not the case.

[Els]

 I'm honestly perplexed and saddened that you would sacrifice your career for years for a man who clearly isn't a loving, stable partner, AND not take precautions like shared finances and joint names on the house. I feel like this has been the plan all along for him - he knows if he gives you just enough money to survive, and not enough to hire a lawyer, then he thinks that he can bully you into whatever he wants.

The first thing you need to do is to get a lawyer. I know, you say you can't afford it, but surely there are ways? Do any of them do pro bono consultations for victims of financial abuse? Are there systems in Sweden that would help disadvantaged people get legal representation? What about community justices, etc? Otherwise, are there any personal items you can sell to make it happen - jewelry, bags, tech, etc?

5 hours ago, Lilac243 said:

He's just claiming now that we were never in a relationship, which I don't get, but it's obviously not true.

This will never stand up in court. Even just living together for a certain amount of time is considered a de facto/common law relationship. If additional proof is requested, surely you have photos, plane tickets, your rental agreements from before, so on and so forth? It would be insane for someone to try and deny a 15-year relationship. I'm almost certain that if you contest this, you will win.

[IrinaM]

Also, I (obviously) don't know how things work where you are, but I went with my cousin to "file an answer" against an eviction in our little county court here in the states. We just drove down to the courthouse, said, "I'd like to file an answer to this here summons," and they gave her a form to fill out. She filled it out to the best of her common-sense ability, and they set a court date for a hearing in front of a judge. The court date was literally five weeks away. So basically, just filling out the form bought her five weeks to strategize and figure out what to do.

Again, I don't know how it goes where you are, but there might be similarities. Whatever you do, don't do nothing.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Lilac243 said:

 I'm just trying to figure out how to not be evicted 

You really need an attorney in your jurisdiction to advise you. Laws in other countries don't apply to your situation. Your situation is complicated by many factors including long standing domestic turbulence and being served papers you must respond to in a timely manner. Obviously everyone has rights but you need to know what yours are where you are. 

[Lilac243]

I have now spoken to two different attorneys as well as the actual agency who sent me the letter trying to evict me. The agency who sent me the letter said that I can contest it by just writing them an email. The agent seemed to think that the eviction request wouldn't be approved when I told her I'd be homeless, but of course, she couldn't tell me that for sure. She did tell me however, that even if it was approved I would have notice (probably 3 months) and also the opportunity to go to court. She also gave me a hint that can wait a while to respond to buy time. 

The attorneys both told me once again that under the circumstances this is 100% no doubt shared property. I can not be evicted. I guess that if he really wants me out he will have to take it to court and split the property. The attorneys said there's really no legal way around it. There are also fees involved in that as well. 

I'm not going to apply to take it to court at this time, so I'm going to let him do that if he wants to. I guess if he wants to do this then he will have to have the consequences of losing half the property. As I said, I've been really good to him. I haven't ever cheated, treated him poorly, hurt him,  we don't get into a lot huge arguments about things, etc. 

The reason why I've stayed with him for so long is because there have been very long periods (this can be years) where our relationship has been amazing. He can be extremely kind, we have a lot of common hobbies, very much in love, he's caring, always been there for me when I really need him to be. 

I've come to realize over time that this is a pattern where his personality completely changes for weeks to months at a time. I find it all really sad because there's nothing I can do. I also understand that if he refuses to get help or want to change, then I don't deserve to be subject to his moods especially now that it's getting more extreme. I'm feeling really down that I might never get closure. I wish it were possible to have a conversation with him about this all and figure things out the right way. 

Edited August 16, 2023 by Lilac243