Should I blame myself?

[Isaiah]

I am having a very hard time getting over something that happened in the past. This is going to be a long post as I am going to tell the whole story. I met this girl at a bar and we texted for a week. That weekend was my birthday so I invited her out to the same place we met because that’s where my friends and I were going. We have a great night and the following week I ask her out. The day before our date she cancels due to personal issues with her friend so we reschedule a few days later. The day of however she cancels for the same reason but reassures me she is still interested. So we plan to go to an arcade on Tuesday. 

During the date we plan to hangout the next day. She comes over to my place and we talk for hours and eventually finish the night by watching a movie in my room. A day later we plan to go out with our friends to the same bar we met on Saturday. The next day we continue to text and plan a study session for Tuesday. 

On Monday I get called off work so I ask if she is doing anything, she has a nap and a few hours later tells me she isn’t feeling well but that she will see me tomorrow for sure. Tuesday morning she texts saying she still doesn’t feel well and enthusiastically asks to hangout Friday. We keep texting throughout the week until Thursday night she cancels saying she still isn’t feeling well and has to be at school all day and that she will be drained after the long day. The next day after I finish my shift I call her to see how she is feeling and talk about her day at school, I also ask her if she wants to go out to the bar on Saturday with our friends again. Saturday around lunch I call her so we can plan the night a little more but no answer. I get a text a few hours later saying that she’s sorry she missed my call because she was sleeping. No problem so I ask if I can call her now. 

Around 7 I get a text apologizing that she fell asleep again and that she won’t be going out tonight. I tell her that me and my friends didn’t actually go out and that I would love it if she came over instead. I don’t hear from her for a bit and I am already a little irritated so I text, or tell me you’re not interested because I am not doing this anymore. Obviously she didn’t appreciate that and I start apologizing because I realize what I did was unacceptable. She said she does see where I am coming from and that she isn’t avoiding me (I tell her I agree and apologize again) but that with everything going on in her life her availability is questionable. She says we are all good and that she accepts my apology. We continue to text for a week until she ends it. She says she’s been dealing with a lot in her life lately and is feeling very depressed, she also apologizes for all the cancels and says it isn’t fair to me and wishes we could have met at a different time. About a month of no contact later I wake up to a few texts saying how she felt she should have texted me many times before but didn’t etc. I am very excited, we catch up a bit through text and we plan a coffee date. Unfortunately that doesn’t happen, she disappears for half a week until I text her (stupid I know) that I feel there was a reason for her reaching out and she does say she definitely thinks about me sometimes but that she is still depressed like she was when we stopped talking.

We continued to text for a bit and I continued to try to see her but she ghosted me shortly after. I know that people with depression do tend to ghost so that is also adding to my confusion. To add the main reason I am blaming myself is because the week with the cancellations she was enthusiastic when I was asking to hangout and had said how she wants to spend the night at my place, also she had said that she really liked me. I know it’s over but I can’t seem to forgive myself or get over it, nothing has ever bothered me this much. But again I am also very conflicted because she cancelled 6 times within a short period, I know the reasons were very valid but it seems like a lot especially when she was still going to school sick. Anyway I am very new to dating so I just wanted to see what everyone else’s opinion was on my situation and if I did the wrong thing and if I should still be blaming myself. I constantly overthink and definitively have attachment issues (which I am working on) so it’s making it extra hard to get over it since I believe it was my fault. 
 

some advice, opinions or others experience similar to mine would be greatly appreciated. I am just trying to get to my old self as this as taken a huge toll on my mental health and my excitement to date and get into a relationship.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Grd said:

  I am also very conflicted because she cancelled 6 times within a short period,

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately she seems too flaky to date. Don't blame yourself for anything, she's simply not available.

[MsJayne]

Nothing is "your fault", you've been very reasonable and tolerant. The text you sent saying you didn't want to do this any more, what took you so long? She put you at the bottom of the priority list while she kept you dangling. All those short notice cancellations, she's sick, she's got personal issues with her friend, she's sleeping, she's drained, and then she trots out the old 'too busy for a relationship' horse dung. Sounds like everything was about her, right down to you apologising for getting annoyed at her rudeness. I think you're well rid of her, she sounds like very hard work. She hasn't ghosted you because of depression, she ghosted you because she's ill-mannered and self-absorbed. My advice would be to ignore her if she contacts you again, give her a dose of her own rudeness. 

[stillafool]

Stop beating yourself up over this as you've done nothing wrong.  She cancelled on you so many times you had a right to ask her to tell you if she was really interested or not.  I'm wondering if she was telling you the truth about being sick.   Sounds to me like she's involved with someone else and they are having issues.   She then half heartedly tries to distract herself with you.  Then they are back on again and she cancels with you.  Please be careful with this girl because you may end up hurt.  How old are you?  She'd be doing you a favor if she left you alone.  You deserve better.

Edited August 18, 2023 by stillafool

[Alpacalia]

She cancelled six times.

That's a burden too many on one person, even for understanding ones.

It's not your fault and to not blame yourself for her not being ready to date. But the next time you decide to date someone, it's important to be more aware of the signs that someone isn't ready to date or build a relationship with.

This can save you a lot of heartache in the future.

[Kassieee]

You really are a nice person to be that patient and understanding with someone like that.

I understood where she was coming from because mental illness is tough, no joke...... but after she broke things off with you and then a month later came back just to do the same things....bugger off. 

I am someone who is guilty of canceling on dates, even if I like the guy, because I'm just too mentally drained.....  I would say not to take it personal- it has nothing to do with you. Must know when to move on though.

[Ageless Wisdom23]

No, It is not your fault.  This girl is like a yo yo with her up and down swing moods.  She may feel like going out one minute and the Next, Not feel like it.  It appears she could very well have a  bad track record of ghosting other guys.  Move on.  Sure, She could have depression problems or other mental issues.  You do not need it.  Find someone who is more like yourself.  A beautiful person.😉

Edited August 18, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23

[Isaiah]

2 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Nothing is "your fault", you've been very reasonable and tolerant. The text you sent saying you didn't want to do this any more, what took you so long? She put you at the bottom of the priority list while she kept you dangling. All those short notice cancellations, she's sick, she's got personal issues with her friend, she's sleeping, she's drained, and then she trots out the old 'too busy for a relationship' horse dung. Sounds like everything was about her, right down to you apologising for getting annoyed at her rudeness. I think you're well rid of her, she sounds like very hard work. She hasn't ghosted you because of depression, she ghosted you because she's ill-mannered and self-absorbed. My advice would be to ignore her if she contacts you again, give her a dose of her own rudeness. 

I guess inexperience was the reason I didn’t call her out sooner. Because this was my first experience dating I really didn’t have anything to compare it to, I was naive and just excited that I may have found someone to date. That’s the worst part, I was so excited that the disappointment was overwhelming. Thanks for the reply

[ShyViolet]

She cancelled on you six times in a short span of time.... I don't know what more you need to take the hint that this girl was not / is not interested in you.  Don't ever chase someone who puts you as a low priority in their life and makes it pretty clear, as this girl did, that they are not interested in you.  You were trying so desperately to convince yourself that this girl might still be interested, deep down.  You need to work on your self-respect.  If it's so hard to make plans with someone, if you need to desperately chase them, then they are not interested and you need to stop.

[glows]

Don’t confuse empathy for someone’s troubles with guilt. You can still empathize with her for whatever she’s going through but it doesn’t mean you have to date her. 

Block and delete her number. Since you met at a bar you seem to frequent, keep your distance and remain cordial/respectful of the shared space if you run into her. You do not have to have a conversation. If she approaches you for ie, exchange pleasantries and excuse yourself. You are fully in control of who and what types of situations you are in. Don’t passively float around and react to every emotion. Move on.

[Alvi]

Cancelling six times! Wow. Once or maybe twice I would give her some benefit of a doubt. But six times screams loud  "I am not interested in you." OP, please remember, interested people act interested. But if they are not, you are going to get tons of flakiness, confusion, cancellations, lame excuses,  and tons of headache overall. I am guessing that she is using a passive aggressive technique here rather than tell you honestly that she doesn't want to continue seeing you. It is possible that she is dating someone else or goes on dates with other guys.  Not that she is wrong to date other guys since the two of you are not excusive. But she should be a more considerate of your feelings. Anyway, there is nothing much you can do here. She knows where to find you if she wishes. But do you really think that she is a good relationship material?

[La.Primavera]

The only advice I would give you is to just slow down a little bit next time.  Just a little.  It sounded like there was a lot of texting, calling, and date planning for someone you had just met and I think that may have played a small part in her pulling back.

For what it's worth, I do think she liked you.  However, I think it is also likely that she found it too intense and overwhelming to keep up with your needs when she had other things going on.  Does that excuse bailing on you so many times.  No, but I can understand how that might happen, especially for someone with depression.  You say that you have attachment issues.  Perhaps that comes across as neediness and continual pressure to schedule a date even tried to slow her response. 

I think you were probably moving too fast and requiring too much of her time and attention and she wasn't able to communicate that very clearly without hurting your feelings.

[Alpacalia]

Agree with @glows.

It's okay to have empathy for her. The issue is that it is affecting you and your interactions with her. The back and forth unfortunately is at the expense of your feelings.

The initial cancellations of your first date (the day before your date and the day of) would have been a clue to reconsider pursuing a romantic relationship with her. I don't think you were being unreasonable with the time frame. You met, then asked her out the following week. Whatever issues she is going through that she needs to tend to or whether it's just that she's not that interested or sure of you yet, doesn't make her a bad person, it just makes her not an available dating partner at this juncture.

I know you wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt but giving someone the benefit of the doubt is usually best done when there has already been consistent, reliable behavior.

Some people are just like that, I see it as disrespectful of your feelings and time but others don't seem to care or just think it's funny. Honestly though, just leave her to it. If she was genuinely interested in you she would have not wanted to risk you losing interest by flaking on you or at the very least communicated more effectively if she wanted to pace things out a bit more.

Edited August 19, 2023 by Alpacalia

[ExpatInItaly]

You didn't do anything wrong, other than continue to try make plans with someone who showed you more than once that she is a flake. 

In the future, don't do that. It's a sign of low interest and it means you should not contiue to pursue. 

[Lotsgoingon]

This woman has problems, physical and emotional most likely. Why is this your fault? 

These problems began before you and they will continue on until she gets some deep help. 

 

[Isaiah]

On 8/19/2023 at 1:52 AM, La.Primavera said:

The only advice I would give you is to just slow down a little bit next time.  Just a little.  It sounded like there was a lot of texting, calling, and date planning for someone you had just met and I think that may have played a small part in her pulling back.

For what it's worth, I do think she liked you.  However, I think it is also likely that she found it too intense and overwhelming to keep up with your needs when she had other things going on.  Does that excuse bailing on you so many times.  No, but I can understand how that might happen, especially for someone with depression.  You say that you have attachment issues.  Perhaps that comes across as neediness and continual pressure to schedule a date even tried to slow her response. 

I think you were probably moving too fast and requiring too much of her time and attention and she wasn't able to communicate that very clearly without hurting your feelings.

I can see that although texting was not too much maybe a little every day of every other day to either plan to see each other or see how her day went. Also during my apology I had also said that I felt I was overbearing with how much I was asking to hangout and that I was sorry for that as well but she said she loves how much I ask her out because she always has fun. Can you explain to me how I was moving too fast? I felt I was pretty laid back (excited and eager for sure) up until I called her out and she would always be enthusiastic when agreeing to see each other, which is why I am so angry at myself because maybe she was sick and all I had to do was wait a week until she was feeling better.

[LynneVicious]

I think she just wasn’t that into you. 

Since you’re new to dating, after the first canceled date you should leave the ball in their court to reschedule. Since she didn’t do that she may have been agreeing to go out with you to be nice but had no intention to follow through, which sounds like what happened here. She may have felt pressured by you asking her out many many times  

When someone is really into you, you’ll know ur. They will want to see you and make you a priority. She has shown you, through her actions, that she’s just not that into you. 

It is not your fault. Use this as a learning experience and learn to read potential dates and their actions so you can gauge their interest. Then go from there. 

[JTSW]

I agree with others that this definitely wasn't your fault.

You were just a little naïve and a little too eager.

She pretty much cancelled every get together you had planned so that should tell you that she just wasn't that interested,

I think her being sick was bs, as was her 'falling asleep' excuses.

She just didn't want to see you, but didn't want to come right out and say it.

She continued to string you along rather than just be honest with you.

She's the one that should feel guilty right now.