boyfriend doesnt put effort in fixing problems?

[rebeccca]

hi, so i dont think im asking for too much from my boyfriend, but if he goes out all day until 3 am, is it too much to ask to perhaps check up on me throughout the day? see how im doing etc? i dont mind if he goes out i would just like a "hey howre you" text or something. but i get random snaps every four hrs with like absolutely no context?? maybe its his way on 'updating' me. but what hurts the most is, i made him aware of my want for him to check up on me so i dont have to chase him down for responses, he says hes 'sorry' but he makes 0 effort on trying to check up on me. its the third time now, and i dont know what to do. am i the crazy one? is it so hard to text me saying "hey howre you?" do i come off as obsessive?

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, rebeccca said:

 if he goes out all day until 3 am, is it too much to ask to perhaps check up on me i dont mind if he goes out i would just like a "hey howre you" 

Are you sure you don't mind that he goes out? Perhaps he's avoiding text conversation while out with friends.

You're not wrong to want an attentive considerate BF, but he seems to want more freedom for whatever reason. 

[basil67]

Sometimes a couple don't agree on how to solve a problem - and this is what's happening here.  Thing sometimes, the solution is "agree to disagree".  

Short of you having health problems or something which means that you need him to check up, I think you're asking too much.   I mean, he's sending messages, so you know he's alive..  You're going to have to decide if this is something you can accept or if it's a hill to die on.   If the relationship is otherwise good, I'd suggest you accept it and appreciate that he's taking time out to send you photos. 

  

[Kassieee]

Explain to him that you need verbal communication, because it's more personal, both parties are interacting with eachother and it's not just one sided... unlike snaps with no context...

Which is understandable if he's out all day doing bare minimum when it comes to communicating with you.

[glows]

I can’t say I relate to this - I’m always surprised when I get a call or text. Your partner has his life and you have yours. The snaps I’m assuming are random images of himself or his surroundings? I have friends who do that - sending random photos. Yes, he is communicating with you but in his own way. Do you send photos back? Why not call him if you miss him or text him first? 

No, I don’t think you’re obsessive but maybe the relationship is lacking in intimacy. Is this a long distance relationship? How often do you see each other?

 

[L1991]

I don’t think you’re asking for much at all, I would want the same from my partner.  A hey how are you or hello is always nice.  Clearly explain to him that this is what you want and it’s starting to upset you now.  If he doesn’t follow up or improve then he obviously doesn’t care enough.   

[FMW]

You're not necessarily asking for too much, but it appears you're asking it from the wrong person.  Not everyone feels the need to "check in" during the day/night, and some (like me, a woman) might feel annoyed at the expectation.  

You've expressed what you want, he's giving you what he feels comfortable with.  At this point you decide whether this is something you can adjust to or not and act accordingly.

 

[rebeccca]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you sure you don't mind that he goes out? Perhaps he's avoiding text conversation while out with friends.

You're not wrong to want an attentive considerate BF, but he seems to want more freedom for whatever reason. 

thank you for your response, i dont mind him going out. i know he has a life etc, we are not long distance and i see him once every so often, the thing is. i always make plans, i always am the one to go through the effort on going to see him, im the one that initiates or flirts, i dont mind doing that. i just want the bare minimum, i know he isnt on his phone ALL day, he does get on it when hes free. it would make me feel so happy if he really let me know hes thinking of me or some way of checking on me. i like some reassurance since hes not really the most romantic, verballly. if he cant understand and respect the things i want, then it clearly seems like he doesnt care to try to make me happy and wants me to just live with it. when there is issues with me i INSTANTLY work on it.

[rebeccca]

4 hours ago, glows said:

I can’t say I relate to this - I’m always surprised when I get a call or text. Your partner has his life and you have yours. The snaps I’m assuming are random images of himself or his surroundings? I have friends who do that - sending random photos. Yes, he is communicating with you but in his own way. Do you send photos back? Why not call him if you miss him or text him first? 

No, I don’t think you’re obsessive but maybe the relationship is lacking in intimacy. Is this a long distance relationship? How often do you see each other?

 

we are not long distance, i see him around once a week, as i am the one who makes the plans. it could be his way of communicating  but i feel as his girlfriend he should try to listen, understand and try and improve so that we can evolve together. if he doesnt even want to do the bare minimum it just really makes me wonder, what will he actually do for me? this issue can blossom to many other things.

[rebeccca]

54 minutes ago, FMW said:

You're not necessarily asking for too much, but it appears you're asking it from the wrong person.  Not everyone feels the need to "check in" during the day/night, and some (like me, a woman) might feel annoyed at the expectation.  

You've expressed what you want, he's giving you what he feels comfortable with.  At this point you decide whether this is something you can adjust to or not and act accordingly.

 

thank you for responding. he mentions its not his 'personality' or not 'what he usually does'. but all im asking for is to when hes free, cause i know he checks his phone, ask how i am or something. the thing is, if he wont do the bare minimum i dont know if i can rely on him when we come across more issues in the future.

[JTSW]

7 minutes ago, rebeccca said:

it would make me feel so happy if he really let me know hes thinking of me or some way of checking on me.

You're not asking too much at all. 

My husband and I always check in with each other when either of us is out.

It's just common courtesy to check in on someone you love to make sure all is ok.

 

[basil67]

27 minutes ago, rebeccca said:

thank you for responding. he mentions its not his 'personality' or not 'what he usually does'. but all im asking for is to when hes free, cause i know he checks his phone, ask how i am or something. the thing is, if he wont do the bare minimum i dont know if i can rely on him when we come across more issues in the future.

I'm still working out why you need him to check on you.  Are you feeling isolated or scared?   Is staying out till 3am a regular thing?  Is he working or partying? 

With my husband, we've gone through stages of checking in and not checking in depending on the situation. For example, when I was at home with a young baby and feeling overwhelmed and isolated, his lunchtime check in was a godsend.  Or I'd call him for a chat.  Then when things got easier, I didn't need his hand to hold and he was busy at work so the contact wasn't needed anymore.

Do you really think that he wouldn't step up if you were having actual problems and needed him?

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, rebeccca said:

. i always make plans, i always am the one to go through the effort on going to see him, im the one that initiates or flirts. when there is issues with me i INSTANTLY work on it.

Unfortunately it seems he's just coasting along. Step back and discontinue driving the relationship so hard. See if he steps up. He doesn't have to do anything because you're doing it all.

This way you are instantly working on your issue of being overinvested and overinvolved with someone who is just along for the ride.

Unfortunately you want him to change so that is your issue. It's fine to want an attentive involved BF,  but sadly he's not. 

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, rebeccca said:

hi, so i dont think im asking for too much from my boyfriend, but if he goes out all day until 3 am, is it too much to ask to perhaps check up on me throughout the day? see how im doing etc? i dont mind if he goes out i would just like a "hey howre you" text or something. but i get random snaps every four hrs with like absolutely no context?? maybe its his way on 'updating' me. but what hurts the most is, i made him aware of my want for him to check up on me so i dont have to chase him down for responses, he says hes 'sorry' but he makes 0 effort on trying to check up on me. its the third time now, and i dont know what to do. am i the crazy one? is it so hard to text me saying "hey howre you?" do i come off as obsessive?

Frankly I would be exhausted at having to send photos every 4 hours.  Maybe that is his way of showing you where he is and keeping in touch.  It sounds like you want text written and a back and forth conversation.  How many times a day did you tell him you wanted a text from him?

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, rebeccca said:

thank you for your response, i dont mind him going out. i know he has a life etc, we are not long distance and i see him once every so often, the thing is. i always make plans, i always am the one to go through the effort on going to see him, im the one that initiates or flirts, i dont mind doing that. i just want the bare minimum, i know he isnt on his phone ALL day, he does get on it when hes free. it would make me feel so happy if he really let me know hes thinking of me or some way of checking on me. i like some reassurance since hes not really the most romantic, verballly. if he cant understand and respect the things i want, then it clearly seems like he doesnt care to try to make me happy and wants me to just live with it. when there is issues with me i INSTANTLY work on it.

This is a problem.  Why are you the one making all the plans and doing all the work to maintain the relationship and saying you just want the bare minimum?  You get what you expect.  Raise your standards and have him meet them if he wants to be with you.  Why is he staying out to 3AM every night?  If he were in love with you he'd want to naturally do those things.

[glows]

3 hours ago, rebeccca said:

we are not long distance, i see him around once a week, as i am the one who makes the plans. it could be his way of communicating  but i feel as his girlfriend he should try to listen, understand and try and improve so that we can evolve together. if he doesnt even want to do the bare minimum it just really makes me wonder, what will he actually do for me? this issue can blossom to many other things.

I can see your frustration if you’re the only one making plans. I think you only have to say it clearly once that you’d like him to put more effort into your weekly dates. Beyond that stop making the plans. I understand this may be very heartbreaking seeing someone you love or care about not making an effort or risk potentially not seeing them for weeks if you aren’t the one initiating. You just need to stop and reevaluate whether this relationship is for you. Don’t keep picking up the slack and doing what you think he ought to be doing.

Edited August 21, 2023 by glows

[rebeccca]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Frankly I would be exhausted at having to send photos every 4 hours.  Maybe that is his way of showing you where he is and keeping in touch.  It sounds like you want text written and a back and forth conversation.  How many times a day did you tell him you wanted a text from him?

yeah, when you put it like that it seems like it would be exhausting, perhaps it is his way of keeping touch, but i feel like asking to send me a 'hey hope youre doing well' every once in a while and go back to whatever he was doing, it would be amazing if he did that, i am not trying to change him as a person i love who he is but it makes me very happy to have some sort of verbal communication when hes out for long periods of time.

[rebeccca]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

This is a problem.  Why are you the one making all the plans and doing all the work to maintain the relationship and saying you just want the bare minimum?  You get what you expect.  Raise your standards and have him meet them if he wants to be with you.  Why is he staying out to 3AM every night?  If he were in love with you he'd want to naturally do those things.

he works nights at a bar, but this day he was with his work friends having some drinks, and thats fine and all, just keep in touch you know??

[basil67]

12 hours ago, rebeccca said:

we are not long distance, i see him around once a week, as i am the one who makes the plans. it could be his way of communicating  but i feel as his girlfriend he should try to listen, understand and try and improve so that we can evolve together. if he doesnt even want to do the bare minimum it just really makes me wonder, what will he actually do for me? this issue can blossom to many other things.

I also think you've got it backwards

Bare minimum is him putting in equal effort to make plans and see you.  Bare minimum would be seeing each other more than once a week.  If he doesn't care enough to make plans and see you more often, he's certainly not going to check in when he's out having fun with mates.

Have you had a boyfriend before?  Do you know what it feel like to have a guy who's actually keen to see you?

[glows]

8 hours ago, rebeccca said:

yeah, when you put it like that it seems like it would be exhausting, perhaps it is his way of keeping touch, but i feel like asking to send me a 'hey hope youre doing well' every once in a while and go back to whatever he was doing, it would be amazing if he did that, i am not trying to change him as a person i love who he is but it makes me very happy to have some sort of verbal communication when hes out for long periods of time.

A message like “hey hope you’re doing well” is a passing comment not requiring any response. I’m genuinely puzzled why you would need him to send something like this unless it’s to demonstrate that he’s thinking of you. How can you not be secure in the fact that he’s always thinking of you? It just feels like there’s so much emotion and commitment lacking in the relationship if you aren’t secure about this. I think back to a few painful or frustrating relationships in the past and empathize a lot with you as there certainly were painful moments where I doubted the other person’s commitment.

Also: If you replied an in-depth response and he didn’t respond back would you still be satisfied or would you be looking for more of an exchange? He could send you a text like this but would you be disappointed if there was no further text or response after? 

[rebeccca]

42 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I also think you've got it backwards

Bare minimum is him putting in equal effort to make plans and see you.  Bare minimum would be seeing each other more than once a week.  If he doesn't care enough to make plans and see you more often, he's certainly not going to check in when he's out having fun with mates.

Have you had a boyfriend before?  Do you know what it feel like to have a guy who's actually keen to see you?

i havent been with anyone else.

[rebeccca]

25 minutes ago, glows said:

A message like “hey hope you’re doing well” is a passing comment not requiring any response. I’m genuinely puzzled why you would need him to send something like this unless it’s to demonstrate that he’s thinking of you. How can you not be secure in the fact that he’s always thinking of you? It just feels like there’s so much emotion and commitment lacking in the relationship if you aren’t secure about this. I think back to a few painful or frustrating relationships in the past and empathize a lot with you as there certainly were painful moments where I doubted the other person’s commitment.

Also: If you replied an in-depth response and he didn’t respond back would you still be satisfied or would you be looking for more of an exchange? He could send you a text like this but would you be disappointed if there was no further text or response after? 

you are right, if you put it like that its quite silly

[basil67]

2 minutes ago, rebeccca said:

i havent been with anyone else.

I promise it can be so much better than this. 

At present you're trying to change a guy who doesn't really care all that much, but when you've got a boyfriend who appreciates you, is keen to see you and makes it happen, you may find that texts become far less important.  Bare minimum is making effort to be there for you

[basil67]

My suggestion at this point is to not reach out and plan for the next time you meet.  Just wait and see if he picks up the ball.   If he contacts you to ask what the plans are, tell him it's his turn to plan.  If he does plan, then step back and allow for him to do it more often.   If he doesn't do anything, then the relationship is over.   If he doesn't contact you, then the relationship is over.   And if that happens, it's saved you a breakup talk.

[glows]

I agree with Basil’s suggestion.