Relationship problems

[Kassieee]

1 hour ago, L1991 said:

How long should I wait before addressing that or asking the question to meet up? Again I don’t wanna instigate all the texting and seem needy.   

You don't mention any of it until she does, otherwise she might get annoyed. You wait till she's ready.

Has her texting changed? Are you initating all of it?

I think what she's doing to you is borderline cruel btw. She doesn't want to see you until she misses you....? Excuse me. 

[Kassieee]

11 minutes ago, L1991 said:

Yeah I get that,  I’m even considering telling her that I’m going to step away until she feels we are ready to move on past this issue and meet up again. Because I don’t deal well with poor communication or dead chat.  Like I’m willing to step away and then leave the ball in her hands to see if she misses me rather than just minimal texting.  She’s said she doesn’t want to go to a part where we don’t talk to each other.  But I feel maybe that’s what will make her think about this.   I feel right now like she’s not interested and can’t get over our argument.  Like she said she needs a few days so I’m willing to give it until Thursday.  

Exactly. This makes me sad for you.

Like how can you put your s/o through this mind****. It's cruel. 

[Alpacalia]

Your girlfriend is feeling overwhelmed by all of the changes that have been happening in the past couple months.

You've both have had a lot on your plates, and it is taking a toll on your relationship. 

First of all, it sounds like you both need to take some time to process what went wrong during your argument last week and try to get back on the same page. It would be helpful for you to focus on being more patient and understanding when she expresses her worries and concerns. Additionally, it would be beneficial for you both to be more mindful of how they communicate with each other as it looks like your conversations took a bad turn a few times. Taking a step back and listening more before responding would be beneficial to diffusing tense situations. It's also important that you both make an effort to spend more quality time together. When you are with her, try to make more of an effort to be engaged in the conversations or activities that she enjoys- even if it's something you wouldn't usually do. Show her that you are interested in what she likes and that you are making an effort to be engaged in the relationship.

As for her, she needs to let you take the lead sometimes and trust that you know what is best for the relationship. She cannot control how events turn out and this is an important lesson that she needs to learn. For example, if something has already been discussed and resolved, she needs to let it go and move on from it instead of constantly needing reassurance from you.

If she can't do that, then that's on her and not on you.

Her commenting on how you interact with other people sounds like she's feeling unheard, or she doesn't feel like she's a priority in your life. It isn't a reflection of your feelings for her; I think this is more her own insecurity. She needs to trust that you will stay committed to the relationship and be engaged in it. 

With the new job, she probably feels neglected or unimportant. She has to learn to be independent and slightly estranged from you, so that she can has reliably count on herself and make sure her needs are met because there are times when she can't rely on you and needs to be ok with it. It's okay to let her know that you still care for her and are available for her when she needs you, but she also needs to learn to meet her needs on her own. 

To her, taking a few days to 'snap out of it' is her way of dealing with the situation. So wait until she contacts you again and don't initiate contact, meaning don't try and push to meet up or over explain yourself. She needs a few days (or whatever she said) to focus on herself and absorbing the situation, and it's better for you to give her that time and space.

This is her first relationship and it's quite evident that she's trying to learn to navigate this new type of relationship and figure out what works best for her. I agree with @basil67that she thinks you both should still be in a honeymoon-like period and be doing carefree things, but this seems to be expectation based on other relationships she's seen or heard about.

When she is feeling more comfortable and secure, you may find that many of your issues have naturally resolved themselves.
 

[L1991]

3 minutes ago, JTSW said:

We're all guilty of taking things the wrong way.

I'm sure she has too.

This is not one sided.

She cannot be 100% perfect either.

Oh I agree and she has yes.  The area she is from is well known to have a lot of bubbly/charismatic people.  The way they communicate at times is through joking around at each other.  Which is fine..  and I’ll admit I can be sensitive and so can she.   But right now she said she wants to miss me again, I’ll give her until Thursday to want to meet up. If she don’t il then say I’ll step away from texting as this bad feeling/dead chat will do us no good if she can’t snap out of thinking over the arguments.   I’ve said I want to forget it and just focus on fun and I get it can take time to forget certain elements.  But we have to move forward.  

[JTSW]

4 minutes ago, L1991 said:

Oh I agree and she has yes.  The area she is from is well known to have a lot of bubbly/charismatic people.  The way they communicate at times is through joking around at each other.  Which is fine..  and I’ll admit I can be sensitive and so can she.   But right now she said she wants to miss me again, I’ll give her until Thursday to want to meet up. If she don’t il then say I’ll step away from texting as this bad feeling/dead chat will do us no good if she can’t snap out of thinking over the arguments.   I’ve said I want to forget it and just focus on fun and I get it can take time to forget certain elements.  But we have to move forward.  

Something definitely runs deeper for her.

It sounds like she has started to lose interest and wants the space to see if she will miss you and be able to keep those feelings for you.

I have read many posts where people have done this.

[L1991]

3 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Your girlfriend is feeling overwhelmed by all of the changes that have been happening in the past couple months.

You've both have had a lot on your plates, and it is taking a toll on your relationship. 

First of all, it sounds like you both need to take some time to process what went wrong during your argument last week and try to get back on the same page. It would be helpful for you to focus on being more patient and understanding when she expresses her worries and concerns. Additionally, it would be beneficial for you both to be more mindful of how they communicate with each other as it looks like your conversations took a bad turn a few times. Taking a step back and listening more before responding would be beneficial to diffusing tense situations. It's also important that you both make an effort to spend more quality time together. When you are with her, try to make more of an effort to be engaged in the conversations or activities that she enjoys- even if it's something you wouldn't usually do. Show her that you are interested in what she likes and that you are making an effort to be engaged in the relationship.

As for her, she needs to let you take the lead sometimes and trust that you know what is best for the relationship. She cannot control how events turn out and this is an important lesson that she needs to learn. For example, if something has already been discussed and resolved, she needs to let it go and move on from it instead of constantly needing reassurance from you.

If she can't do that, then that's on her and not on you.

Her commenting on how you interact with other people sounds like she's feeling unheard, or she doesn't feel like she's a priority in your life. It isn't a reflection of your feelings for her; I think this is more her own insecurity. She needs to trust that you will stay committed to the relationship and be engaged in it. 

With the new job, she probably feels neglected or unimportant. She has to learn to be independent and slightly estranged from you, so that she can has reliably count on herself and make sure her needs are met because there are times when she can't rely on you and needs to be ok with it. It's okay to let her know that you still care for her and are available for her when she needs you, but she also needs to learn to meet her needs on her own. 

To her, taking a few days to 'snap out of it' is her way of dealing with the situation. So wait until she contacts you again and don't initiate contact, meaning don't try and push to meet up or over explain yourself. She needs a few days (or whatever she said) to focus on herself and absorbing the situation, and it's better for you to give her that time and space.

This is her first relationship and it's quite evident that she's trying to learn to navigate this new type of relationship and figure out what works best for her. I agree with @basil67that she thinks you both should still be in a honeymoon-like period and be doing carefree things, but this seems to be expectation based on other relationships she's seen or heard about.

When she is feeling more comfortable and secure, you may find that many of your issues have naturally resolved themselves.
 

Thank you for your advice.  I will definitely be more patient and understanding with her whenever she is worried. I will also be mindful of how we communicate. She has even said the morning after our argument in future can we just look at both of our views instead of just going angry and I agreed with her. I will also definitely be more interested in things she tells me as in the past I’ve just responded short and that’s the end of the conversation.   I know that’s my fault and hate myself for it.   But I promise to change that if she gives me the chance. 
 

I’ve always said to her I love her and she says she loves me. She’s been off work for the summer but also been sick for a few weeks which hasn’t helped and also the birth control has affected her. Not only with me but other people.  Like I said previously I think I’ll give her until Thursday or Friday ti meet up.  If she doesn’t want to I will then tell her I’m stepping away until she’s ready to move past this issue. 

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, L1991 said:

I will definitely be more patient and understanding with her whenever she is worried. I will also be mindful of how we communicate. She has even said the morning after our argument in future can we just look at both of our views instead of just going angry and I agreed with her. I will also definitely be more interested in things she tells me as in the past I’ve just responded short and that’s the end of the conversation.   I know that’s my fault and hate myself for it.   But I promise to change that if she gives me the chance. 
 

I’ve always said to her I love her and she says she loves me. She’s been off work for the summer but also been sick for a few weeks which hasn’t helped and also the birth control has affected her. Not only with me but other people.  Like I said previously I think I’ll give her until Thursday or Friday ti meet up.  If she doesn’t want to I will then tell her I’m stepping away until she’s ready to move past this issue. 

Right but she also needs to learn how to navigate this new relationship. You have acknowledged your mistakes and apologized and it's important for her to do the same. Saying that she needs space to miss you is not a great sign as it can be indicative of her not being emotionally invested in the relationship. I think she doesn't fully understand how to keep a relationship going and she seems to be expecting things to stay perfect and never run into conflicts.

Edited August 21, 2023 by Alpacalia

[L1991]

2 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Something definitely runs deeper for her.

It sounds like she has started to lose interest and wants the space to see if she will miss you and be able to keep those feelings for you.

I have read many posts where people have done this.

She’s not the type to play games, I know that.  She just can’t get the arguments of 2 days ago out of her head. She hates the thought of us ending things.  That’s one thing I know she would hate and the thought of that hurts her. I said before we can’t continue to argue like this and that hurt her and left a scar due to her being a worrier and overthinker.  I said that in anger in the heat of the moment.  She’s guilt of saying things she doesn’t mean as well in the spur of the moment.  I would never leave her due to things like this and I’ve told her that.  She is everything I want in a woman.  I just hope we can get past this.  

[L1991]

Just now, Alpacalia said:

Right but she also needs to learn how to navigate this new relationship. You have acknowledged your mistakes and apologized and it's important for her to do the same. Saying that she needs space to miss you is not a great sign as it can be indicative of her not being emotionally invested in the relationship. I think she doesn't  ully understand how to keep a relationship going and she seems to be expecting things to stay perfect and never run into conflicts.

She has said before she understands things are not always going to be great but it’s how we get through these tough times and work together is what counts.   She said that not me.  I do feel the pill has affected her a lot.  

[JTSW]

7 minutes ago, L1991 said:

She’s not the type to play games, I know that.  She just can’t get the arguments of 2 days ago out of her head. She hates the thought of us ending things.

What you have to remember is that she is completely inexperienced in relationships.

You are her first.

You need to tell her that she can't hang on to the smallest of disagreements like this because it's never going to work.

Edited August 21, 2023 by JTSW

[L1991]

15 minutes ago, JTSW said:

What you have to remember is that she is completely inexperienced in relationships.

You are her first.

You need to tell her that she can't hang on to the smallest of disagreements like this because it's never going to work.

I’ll admit I’m guilty myself of bringing up past arguments. Also doesn’t help when she sees her brother and his gf all perfect but she ain’t gonna see their arguments. I’m going to tell her today maybe that I need to step back and not talk for her to think as she’s just not right with me 

[JTSW]

7 minutes ago, L1991 said:

I’ll admit I’m guilty myself of bringing up past arguments. Also doesn’t help when she sees her brother and his gf all perfect but she ain’t gonna see their arguments. I’m going to tell her today maybe that I need to step back and not talk for her to think as she’s just not right with me 

I agree that this is what you need to do.

She expects things to be perfect but no relationship is perfect.

[L1991]

Just now, JTSW said:

I agree that this is what you need to do.

She expects things to be perfect but no relationship is perfect.

I’ve just told her I’m not doing well right now and feel like I need to step back and stop talking to give her space and time to think when she wants to meet me again. She just avoided what I said and asked about how was work then stopped talking.  This is where she doesn’t like deep conversations, she’s the type to reflect on my message later on tonight.  I’ll leave it now and barely text her.  See how that goes as there’s nothing more I can do.  I’ve told her il be more patient, I’ll be less angry and when we have disagreements il respond in a calm manner.   Balls in her court now so hopefully she will come through her stubbornness and overthinking ways.  

[JTSW]

24 minutes ago, L1991 said:

 This is where she doesn’t like deep conversations, she’s the type to reflect on my message later on tonight.  I’ll leave it now and barely text her.  See how that goes as there’s nothing more I can do.

If she can't have proper conversations about the relationship then this isn't going to last.

She needs to learn that communication is important but she just wants things to be all easy going.

She's in for disappointment if she just continues to expect perfection.

Don't text her at all until she reaches out to you.

Edited August 21, 2023 by JTSW

[L1991]

I won’t but it’s just basic boring chat right now.  Nothing more.   I’m tempted to not talk at all and just say at some point I’m just giving you space.  

[JTSW]

3 minutes ago, L1991 said:

I won’t but it’s just basic boring chat right now.  Nothing more.   I’m tempted to not talk at all and just say at some point I’m just giving you space.  

By continuing to text you are not giving her the time to reflect.

 

[L1991]

24 minutes ago, JTSW said:

By continuing to text you are not giving her the time to reflect.

 

Right, she is texting me as well though so what do I do just not reply? 

[JTSW]

18 minutes ago, L1991 said:

Right, she is texting me as well though so what do I do just not reply? 

Just tell her that you think it's best to stop texting for a bit so you both can take a little breather to reflect.

[L1991]

2 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Just tell her that you think it's best to stop texting for a bit so you both can take a little breather to reflect.

Yeah I will do. I just hope the reflecting doesn’t make it worse.  End of the day she just thinks we don’t have fun anymore and a lot of our conversations are too serious 

[JTSW]

5 minutes ago, L1991 said:

Yeah I will do. I just hope the reflecting doesn’t make it worse.  End of the day she just thinks we don’t have fun anymore and a lot of our conversations are too serious 

Then she is not ready for a 'serious' relationship.

She wants and expects everything to be plain sailing and easy.

But it doesn't work like that. 

Relationships take work from both parties who learn to understand and accept each other.

Communication is key.

She doesn't interested in doing that. Just in having fun.

Edited August 21, 2023 by JTSW

[L1991]

2 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Then she is not ready for a 'serious' relationship.

She wants and expects everything to be plain sailing and easy.

But it doesn't work like that. 

Relationships take work from both parties who learn to understand and accept each other.

Communication is key.

She doesn't interested in doing that. Just in having fun.

I think it’s the element of us arguing a lot these past couple months and not seeing eye to eye.   But I’ve messaged her now of what I’m going to do so the ball is in her court.   

[L1991]

I laid it all out to her and she said she just needs time and space and appreciated my message.  She also said she wishes I said this in person as I seem more open over text than in person. I said well I would drive to you and say it but you don’t want me to. Then she said it’s fine.  I said I’d be exactly the same if I saw her in person right now and she just said ok and I didn’t reply.

again I don’t know what her version of time and space really is as she said she doesn’t wanna stop talking but I’ve said I feel I have to stop now for her to move past it so wel see how it goes I guess.   

[glows]

It’s best to take a few days break from the mindless texting if you’re feeling drained and confused about the relationship. Needing some time is okay within reasonable periods, a day or so bit to withhold affection and tell you she needs time to miss you is manipulative and controlling. That’s a form of abuse - stonewalling. I can’t think of any time in any relationship or even my previous marriage where I had to tell a partner “I need time away to miss you.” That would have been so rude and incredibly hurtful and unkind.

I see you have defended her quite a bit and appear to think she’s independent and caring as a person when nearly everyone in the thread has told you her behaviour is concerning and she doesn’t appear to know how to deal with her own anxiety and mental health issues or stress. 

I don’t think she has your best interests and she knows you’ll do absolutely anything she asks. If she tells you you’re too irritable or distracted you’ll believe it. Since she appears she needs “time” give yourselves that time but also think about YOUR needs in the relationship. If it means dealing with your work stress and setting time aside for yourself then do it. If it means less socialization around her people then consider that. Being nitpicked for looking away is ridiculous. It is not rude and as long as you’re maintaining pleasant conversation it’s part of regular interaction. Please figure out what makes you happy. Stop defending her all the time for her poor behaviour towards you and her “overthinking”.

[L1991]

31 minutes ago, glows said:

It’s best to take a few days break from the mindless texting if you’re feeling drained and confused about the relationship. Needing some time is okay within reasonable periods, a day or so bit to withhold affection and tell you she needs time to miss you is manipulative and controlling. That’s a form of abuse - stonewalling. I can’t think of any time in any relationship or even my previous marriage where I had to tell a partner “I need time away to miss you.” That would have been so rude and incredibly hurtful and unkind.

I see you have defended her quite a bit and appear to think she’s independent and caring as a person when nearly everyone in the thread has told you her behaviour is concerning and she doesn’t appear to know how to deal with her own anxiety and mental health issues or stress. 

I don’t think she has your best interests and she knows you’ll do absolutely anything she asks. If she tells you you’re too irritable or distracted you’ll believe it. Since she appears she needs “time” give yourselves that time but also think about YOUR needs in the relationship. If it means dealing with your work stress and setting time aside for yourself then do it. If it means less socialization around her people then consider that. Being nitpicked for looking away is ridiculous. It is not rude and as long as you’re maintaining pleasant conversation it’s part of regular interaction. Please figure out what makes you happy. Stop defending her all the time for her poor behaviour towards you and her “overthinking”.

I get what you’re saying, but I know i also need to be more open to things and not set in my own ways and she’s said that to me and I acknowledge it and see it from both sides.   Sometimes I’m so blunt and it’s a passionate no from me. Instead of responding calmly.   I’ve laid it all out now for her to message 

[Versacehottie]

10 hours ago, L1991 said:

what can I do here? I know I’ve got to just not mention meeting up with her.  But I don’t want to feel awkward or think are we on the rocks here?   I know I’ve just got to go bacK to how I was and that’s fine for me but how do we both just get past this. We are going out in two weeks with her brother and his gf and friends but obviously I’d like to see her before then. 

Hmmm, I agree it could feel or seem awkward or as if you are on the rocks....I think though one thing you could do to not make it feel or seem that way is: rather than perceive it as if she is the gatekeeper to your relationship or effectively locked you out of spending time together, I would recommend REFRAMING it as if the bit of space and time would be good for you as well. That simple shift in your head should greatly help. And I don't think it's a trick either--I would guess it's true. If you've been stressed at work, you probably are stretched too thin and maybe need some time to recover after a hard day that is just for you. Or you with friends so it's less of a pressure cooker to what it is with her. I think you should take the time for yourself and meet up shortly before the two week outing with her brother...I think it would be awkward to just jump right into that with other people so see each other alone a couple of days before.

I think one thing that understandably upsets you is that she seems to call all the shots on the relationship or at least has here on this one that could be very damaging. It's unilateral and one-sided. How do you take back your power and feel ok with it? Recognize the good that can come out of it just for you. I actually would guess if you "agree" to this space, she won't like it and will appreciate you more...especially if she is the anxious type. This can be a common ploy for anxious people tbh. They throw a tantrum effectively and then hope it will spur you to some action that they want which isn't the "space" but something else. She might not even be doing this maliciously or consciously. I think it's best to respond to this one-sided things or relationship "threats" by accepting them so they don't become something that happens over and over. You can "accept" them in a way that works for you cognitively...also maybe some space is what you need so YOU can consider the future of the relationship. Good luck