Relationship problems

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, L1991 said:

.  I then said how I wanna move past it all and explained things then she said ok sounds good to me and I didn’t reply.   

She still seems a bit wary about the angry outburst, so see how it goes. Unfortunately it's still a power struggle where she would like you to acknowledge the yelling and anger and you want her to "get over it". 

[Alpacalia]

When she asked you to go to the quiz night, she was worried that there would be more arguing and that she wouldn't receive a lot of affection. This is why she was hesitant to commit to the quiz night or going out with her brother and his friends. Your response of telling her to trust you that things will be fine and that you've always kept busy and had fun together was a good one.

That is showing her that you can handle a disagreement and that you two have a lot of good memories together.

I initially felt that your girlfriend was a bit confused because one minute she's telling you that she wants some time and space and the next minute she's asking you to go to a quiz night. It seems that it's her way of testing you to see how you would respond. In which case, I don't feel that she is necessarily wanting to distance herself from you, but rather she is wanting to test you. It's her way of testing whether or not you can actually take on board her concerns and take responsibility for them.

Some might argue that that may not be the healthiest way to go about it, but I feel that it is her way of trying to make sure that things don't get worse between the two of you.

When you yelled at her and said to wait till you get home to discuss it, it was interpreted as you speaking to her like a child, and this is something that she doesn't want to happen again.

There's nothing more off-putting than feeling like your partner doesn't take you seriously or is talking down to you. Why do you feel that you just want her to move past it and forget about the argument? Have you already come to an understanding? What is it about her that you feel is being stubborn? You mentioned that she is a huge over-thinker and worrier, so you know that her thinking and worrying about an argument or disagreement could take some time.

I get that she wants space and time to sort out her head and that's totally fine, but I don't think this is necessarily the healthiest way of dealing with the issues between you two going forward unless you're okay with her taking her time to sort things out and being patient with her. It's hard when one person wants to move on more quickly than the other. If it's the case that there is still an underlying issue between you two, then she needs to be willing to talk about it and work towards a resolution otherwise it's just going to pop up again down the line. 

If she feels like she can't handle it right now and wants to cool off and take some space to think, then that's fine. During that time, focus on the positive moments you two have had together and keep building the trust and connection between you two but also tend to yourself to keep your stress levels and anxiety low because it's really easy to lose yourself when you're worrying so much about a relationship. I hope the best for you two and hope you find a good resolution!

Edited August 23, 2023 by Alpacalia

[JTSW]

12 hours ago, L1991 said:

She said she wants to get past this but needs to build the trust back up which takes time.

Umm....What??

How the hell has she lost trust from something so trivial?

The disagreement you had should have been over and done with by now and if she can't get over practically nothing then this relationship is doomed.

She is making out that you have done something really wrong, which you haven't.

This isn't going to last OP because she is being really unfair.

Her behaviour is controlling but you can't see it.

Edited August 23, 2023 by JTSW

[L1991]

9 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

When she asked you to go to the quiz night, she was worried that there would be more arguing and that she wouldn't receive a lot of affection. This is why she was hesitant to commit to the quiz night or going out with her brother and his friends. Your response of telling her to trust you that things will be fine and that you've always kept busy and had fun together was a good one.

That is showing her that you can handle a disagreement and that you two have a lot of good memories together.

I initially felt that your girlfriend was a bit confused because one minute she's telling you that she wants some time and space and the next minute she's asking you to go to a quiz night. It seems that it's her way of testing you to see how you would respond. In which case, I don't feel that she is necessarily wanting to distance herself from you, but rather she is wanting to test you. It's her way of testing whether or not you can actually take on board her concerns and take responsibility for them.

Some might argue that that may not be the healthiest way to go about it, but I feel that it is her way of trying to make sure that things don't get worse between the two of you.

When you yelled at her and said to wait till you get home to discuss it, it was interpreted as you speaking to her like a child, and this is something that she doesn't want to happen again.

There's nothing more off-putting than feeling like your partner doesn't take you seriously or is talking down to you. Why do you feel that you just want her to move past it and forget about the argument? Have you already come to an understanding? What is it about her that you feel is being stubborn? You mentioned that she is a huge over-thinker and worrier, so you know that her thinking and worrying about an argument or disagreement could take some time.

I get that she wants space and time to sort out her head and that's totally fine, but I don't think this is necessarily the healthiest way of dealing with the issues between you two going forward unless you're okay with her taking her time to sort things out and being patient with her. It's hard when one person wants to move on more quickly than the other. If it's the case that there is still an underlying issue between you two, then she needs to be willing to talk about it and work towards a resolution otherwise it's just going to pop up again down the line. 

If she feels like she can't handle it right now and wants to cool off and take some space to think, then that's fine. During that time, focus on the positive moments you two have had together and keep building the trust and connection between you two but also tend to yourself to keep your stress levels and anxiety low because it's really easy to lose yourself when you're worrying so much about a relationship. I hope the best for you two and hope you find a good resolution!

Thank you that’s good advice, she said she won’t be really affectionate with me in the quiz night because that’s just not how she is and doesn’t want me to expect that. I think she is confused to some extent, and worries that all we do when we’re alone is argue so she wants to build the trust back up to see if that’s going to be the case again or not.  I feel everything I’ve said has been mature but she wants to see it applied in person rather than text. 
 

the confusing thing on my part is her saying she needs to get past some things which takes time and space but yet she still small talks me and says good night or good morning through text.  I feel that she’s being stubborn in the fact that she can’t just let it go and focus on my explanations as to why I may have said stuff in anger and focus on all the good times. There’s been times she has been really stressed and I’ve supported her and gone out my way to be understanding. I’ve had this tough period of the past month and a half so I just want her to acknowledge that and see that I am deeply sorry and willing to work through it all. I do agree that she will observe if I take on board her concerns and I’m determined to do so.  But it’s difficult when the chat is just small talk right now and it’s all in the back of my head.  
 

Her concerns is when she says stuff in person I respond badly to her like she’s hurting me or something. So it will take time for me to build the trust back up I guess.  

[L1991]

5 hours ago, JTSW said:

Umm....What??

How the hell has she lost trust from something so trivial?

The disagreement you had should have been over and done with by now and if she can't get over practically nothing then this relationship is doomed.

She is making out that you have done something really wrong, which you haven't.

This isn't going to last OP because she is being really unfair.

Her behaviour is controlling but you can't see it.

I don’t think she’s making out I’m in the wrong… just worried we are too different and not getting along whilst alone.  Hence the overthinking and worrying.  When I’m reality it’s based on the past week or so and whilst I’ve been under pressure with work and she’s been off.  She’s back to her normal routine next week.   So hopefully going forward shel see the changes/less arguments and better responses and then she will feel ok again. 
 

We have been alone many times before and not argued.  So yeah I think it’s her overthinking. 

Edited August 23, 2023 by L1991
Text change

[JTSW]

19 hours ago, L1991 said:

So yeah I think it’s her overthinking. 

And controlling.

You can't see this though, but it is a form of control.

It's to make you feel that you need to do anything she wants to make her happy.