How can I leave someone I love?

[Danielac77]

I need to leave my 20 year marriage because my husband is making my youngest daughter unsafe due to his fear based and aggressive parenting style. I don’t know how to leave someone I love but doesn’t treat us well all the time :( I know sounds crazy! Help and guidance much appreciated. Thanks. 

[JTSW]

Speak with an attorney and find out what your legal options are. 

What exactly is he doing to make her feel unsafe? 

Maybe make a police report and get him removed from the home.

I'm not an expert in these things but I'm learning.

[basil67]

Can you tell us a bit more about what's going on?  And what are the logistics of leaving him?   You say you love him....can you tell us why you love him?  I'm wondering if you've ever given yourself permission to question your love.   

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Danielac77 said:

 my husband is making my youngest daughter unsafe due to his fear based and aggressive parenting style. 

How old is your daughter and what is happening that is unsafe? If there is child abuse going on you need to get yourselves to safely asap. Do you have friends and family nearby? Do you work? 

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, Danielac77 said:

I don’t know how to leave someone I love but doesn’t treat us well all the time

You do this by thinking about what is the best for your child, not yourself.  Think about your daughter being in a safe placee and being happy.  That is your number 1 job.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 8/21/2023 at 11:17 AM, Danielac77 said:

my husband is making my youngest daughter unsafe due to his fear based and aggressive parenting style.

Does this mean he is abusing her?

 

[Danielac77]

My husband is refusing to see a counselor with me. We have some major issues and I’d love to discuss them in a safe space but says he is aware if his mistakes and doesn’t want  to hear it again and if things are so far broken and I’m just not getting over things there is no point. Maybe it’s all too late. How do I respond to this. Seems so defeatist not to mention does not sound like a loving act. Surly you wouldn’t try what’s needed to repair if it was important to you. Maybe that’s my answer, it’s not, he doesn’t this I am or our marriage is worth it. This them makes me feel like I’ve been a poor wife but neither of us have been perfect but Ed definitely both tried. Very sad we can’t talk about things  

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Danielac77 said:

 We have some major issues and I’d love to discuss them in a safe space but says he is aware if his mistakes and doesn’t want  to hear it again 

Sorry this is happening. What are some of these major issues and why don't you feel safe? 

Please privately and confidentiality find a qualified therapist for ongoing support. You can unpack and sort out whatever is going on. Do not tell your husband.

Please also consult an attorney for information support advice and help in the event of divorce. Do not tell your husband or threaten divorce, just inform yourself.

  Is this the same man?:

 

Edited September 17, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Danielac77]

Yes this is the same man. He has an anger issue. But he isn’t angry all the time. We have a very difficult child and he just don’s life difficult. I know there is no excuse mind you I am aware. We have also had some great times. Our kids do love him very much. 

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, Danielac77 said:

Yes this is the same man. He has an anger issue. But he isn’t angry all the time. We have a very difficult child and he just don’s life difficult. I know there is no excuse mind you I am aware. We have also had some great times. Our kids do love him very much. 

Please read up on "the cycle of violence". Your primary job is protecting your children.

Please don't believe the "anger issue" myth. Abusers enjoy intimidating and hurting innocent and weaker and dependent individuals.

Marriage therapy is contraindicated in abusive relationships. You need to confide in trusted people. 

You're trying to fix and change him and wait for the sweet cycle to return in the cycle of violence. But you already know that's temporary until the next explosion. 

You claim your child is afraid of him and he has an "aggressive parenting style"? Please stop letting him abuse your child. Your husband is the "difficult" one.

Once your child comes in contact with other adults, teachers and healthcare providers they will have to report whatever is going on with this "aggressive parenting style". 

 

Edited September 17, 2023 by Wiseman2

[basil67]

I certainly understand wanting to leave, but if you do, your husband will still likely get shared custody. While you won't have to face the issues, your child will still be receiving the brunt of is abuse in your absence.  

Now, I ask the following as a parent who's has a child who was hard to parent:   Are your child's issues due to a dx of some kind?  Or is it perhaps a rebellious teenage phase?  Does your child see a psychologist?  Have the two of you been taught positive behaviour strategies for supporting your child to make good choices?   I can't help but wonder if, with the right support, the problems may be able to be at least partially addressed and divorce may not be necessary.   

[d0nnivain]

You have to keep your kids safe.  You love the guy who is good but even you don't love him when he's angry & making the kids unsafe.  You also know he won't address his issues.   What you have to figure out is not how to do you leave a man you love but why do you stay with an abusive dangerous bully? 

[Danielac77]

8 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You have to keep your kids safe.  You love the guy who is good but even you don't love him when he's angry & making the kids unsafe.  You also know he won't address his issues.   What you have to figure out is not how to do you leave a man you love but why do you stay with an abusive dangerous bully? 

That’s a great question I ve asked myself many times. I don’t know 😔

[Danielac77]

17 hours ago, basil67 said:

I certainly understand wanting to leave, but if you do, your husband will still likely get shared custody. While you won't have to face the issues, your child will still be receiving the brunt of is abuse in your absence.  

Now, I ask the following as a parent who's has a child who was hard to parent:   Are your child's issues due to a dx of some kind?  Or is it perhaps a rebellious teenage phase?  Does your child see a psychologist?  Have the two of you been taught positive behaviour strategies for supporting your child to make good choices?   I can't help but wonder if, with the right support, the problems may be able to be at least partially addressed and divorce may not be necessary.   

It’s complicated. My daughter is not diagnosed with anything and at this stage believed to have behavioral issues due to family conflict due to my husband. He definitely has undiagnosed mental health. I’ve tried very hard to keep us all safe and as well as I can. I’ve been seeing a psych for years too as I strongly believe in therapy.  What I believe is he needs to accept his part in this mess and deal with himself and he won’t which is heartbreaking 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Danielac77 said:

It’s complicated. My daughter is not diagnosed with anything and at this stage believed to have behavioral issues due to family conflict due to my husband. He definitely has undiagnosed mental health. I’ve tried very hard to keep us all safe and as well as I can. I’ve been seeing a psych for years too as I strongly believe in therapy.  What I believe is he needs to accept his part in this mess and deal with himself and he won’t which is heartbreaking 

Yes, this makes perfect sense.  Such a tough situation for you all to be in

[d0nnivain]

9 hours ago, Danielac77 said:

  What I believe is he needs to accept his part in this mess and deal with himself and he won’t which is heartbreaking 

You are right.  He won't change.  So assuming that, what is your next move?  

[Danielac77]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You are right.  He won't change.  So assuming that, what is your next move?  

That’s just it. It sounds easy but isn’t so the answer to this question is.. I have no idea! Hence why I am here hashing it all out. I have always found this situation hard to navigate to talking so talking it out is helpful. Thank you 

[JTSW]

It's a no brainer really.

He makes your daughter feel unsafe so you have to make her feel safe by asking him to leave/or you and your daughter leave.

Your feelings for him are clouding your judgement but you absolutely have to put your daughters needs first because she could end up with allot of mental scaring from such an abusive father.

She could grow up being scared of men and becoming an easy target for bad people to take advantage of.

You need to think realistically.

Edited September 19, 2023 by JTSW

[d0nnivain]

@Danielac77

 

You need to talk it out.  That's fair.  So let's talk it out. 

Have you made a pros & cons list?  What is good about staying with him & what's bad?  What's good about leaving & what's bad?  So far all I can see on the good side are you love him (subjective); the longevity of your relationship (I'm putting it in the good column but you have to understand it's really a a point of inertia because change is tough) and some idea of an intact family for your kids, which frankly doesn't carry much weight.  Kids are better served in a safe, stable loving environment, rather than a miserable marriage.   

Somewhere in here you have to do the practicalities especially finances.  How will you pay for the lawyer?  What assets can you count on?  Will he consistently pay child support?  What happens if he doesn't?  IMO the calculus has to be what can you do on your own with money from him as a bonus not a given.  Where will you live?  How will you support yourself?  Do you have transportation?  Do  you have backup child care?   Think all that through.  Not having those things doesn't mean you stay.  It means you find solutions.  

You don't have to share how you makes those lists but I think making them might help you.  

 

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Danielac77 said:

. My daughter is not diagnosed with anything and at this stage believed to have behavioral issues due to family conflict due to my husband. 

Please be honest with your therapist about the abuse. Eventually adults your child comes in contact with will become aware of his abuse and unfortunately your refusal to protect your daughter and possibly remove her to safety. 

There's nothing to "decide". Your husband is destroying your child's physical and mental health so how is that in any way ok with you or a difficult decision?  Isn't it your responsibility to protect your child?