Why would someone be offended at your acceptance of their decision to call it?

[Fox Sake]

2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

 

Awe Foxsake, It's fantastic to have a connection that is so intense, but if you feel like a lot of expectation was being put on the relationship then it was wise to take a step back and address the issue before going full sprint into it. Sounds like she also had some feelings that weren't necessarily reciprocated, at least, on her end, which could have made her act aloof. 

But spacing it out a month may have been what you needed to pace yourself and to think it through more thoroughly. So I think that was a smart choice!

I absolutely agree with you. I also let my perception of Expectations VS Reality run away with me. I don’t come across these kind of connections often, so when I do I think k can tend to run with them and get swept in the moment. It’s a shame cookies doesn’t post here anymore. She was actually very like me in many ways , I just don’t think I was as honest as she was. I can tend to get swept up in a romantic connection and then freak out and rinse and repeat. 

[Alpacalia]

1 minute ago, Fox Sake said:

I absolutely agree with you. I also let my perception of Expectations VS Reality run away with me. I don’t come across these kind of connections often, so when I do I think k can tend to run with them and get swept in the moment. I can tend to get swept up in a romantic connection and then freak out and rinse and repeat. 

If you freak out when you get swept up in a romantic connection, then you're diving head first into your perception of the expectations versus the reality too quickly.

This woman was obviously aloof and distant, but it seems like she wanted to let you down gently and you could tell she was sensitive about it which I think is why she was offended when you accepted the fact that things wouldn't work out.

Accepting the decision doesn’t mean you are trying to blame them or make them feel guilty, it just means you understand the circumstances and that the relationship won’t work out.

It may also be the case that she was hurt by being rejected and felt like you were blaming her for the lack of success. Some people are naturally more hesitant to express themselves, but it doesn't make them any less sensitive to a break-up. She may have felt attacked or embarrassed by your statement, and instead of expressing this to you outright she chose to accuse you of trying to make her feel guilty.

I don't know. Just trying to make sense of the scenario. Either way, it was not your intention to make her feel guilty, and it sounds like she may have misread your intentions.

[ExpatInItaly]

To clarify as I am a little confused: had you met this woman in person? 

[Sony12]

One things for sure this lady is just going to ghost people from this point forward. That's actually why ghosting has become so common because people want to avoid scenarios like this.

[Sony12]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

To clarify as I am a little confused: had you met this woman in person? 

OP can clarify but it doesn't sound like it and was mainly an online/phone thing. If they did meet it sounds like that's when things went south.

[Fox Sake]

33 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

OP can clarify but it doesn't sound like it and was mainly an online/phone thing. If they did meet it sounds like that's when things went south.

 

37 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

To clarify as I am a little confused: had you met this woman in person? 

Yes we have met. Sony, with all due respect are you actually reading everything? It seems like you maybe glanced over some important details. Maybe it was my style of writing. 

[Sony12]

31 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

 

Yes we have met. Sony, with all due respect are you actually reading everything? It seems like you maybe glanced over some important details. Maybe it was my style of writing. 

You aren't being very clear. I was responding to someone else who was confused on rather you had met or not and many of the other posters here have assumed you two never met.

Was there not much chemistry when you did meet?

[Fox Sake]

42 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

If you freak out when you get swept up in a romantic connection, then you're diving head first into your perception of the expectations versus the reality too quickly.

This woman was obviously aloof and distant, but it seems like she wanted to let you down gently and you could tell she was sensitive about it which I think is why she was offended when you accepted the fact that things wouldn't work out.

Accepting the decision doesn’t mean you are trying to blame them or make them feel guilty, it just means you understand the circumstances and that the relationship won’t work out.

It may also be the case that she was hurt by being rejected and felt like you were blaming her for the lack of success. Some people are naturally more hesitant to express themselves, but it doesn't make them any less sensitive to a break-up. She may have felt attacked or embarrassed by your statement, and instead of expressing this to you outright she chose to accuse you of trying to make her feel guilty.

I don't know. Just trying to make sense of the scenario. Either way, it was not your intention to make her feel guilty, and it sounds like she may have misread your intentions.

I can tend to do that. It’s not often, but if I feel like my expectations have been met as some sort a pre requisite, I can tend to dive in heart first and let my emotions get the better of me way too soon. I always get let down , usually by myself. Apart from that one girl who catfished me 😅

I guess there’s a part of me that’s just screaming out to feel loved , accepted and adored for who I am completely and also see that in them. When I think I find that in someone I can get carried away.

As for the general thinking pattern of my thread question and response to some others and you, Alpacalia - I spoke to my friend about this on video chat, as she asked about my date and how it went. She knows me very well.  Good timing I thought as I was actually writing a thread about it !  She knows a lot more details about all of this and her than is here. 
She noticed that it was okay for my date to point out a reason why she couldn’t date me, but when I agreed and gave my own reason in agreement of a mismatch , my date took offence to it and tried to accuse me of being manipulative and making her feel guilty. 
 

It was just a weird interaction to me. I feel we both misunderstood each other in the end. She probably did try to do it as sensitively as she could and maybe I did end up making it all about me. That’s the person that matters to me most tho. Myself. I need to look out for me. 
 

[Fox Sake]

3 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

You aren't being very clear. I was responding to someone else who was confused on rather you had met or not and many of the other posters here have assumed you two never met.

Was there not much chemistry when you did meet?

No chemistry when we met, or if there was it was only from my expectations of what I had allowed to build up in my mind over how well we seemed to connect and understand each other. I should have known when that suddenly stopped and she became aloof, that I shouldn’t have perused this any further, but I did because I thought I was punching a bit. 

[Sony12]

4 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

No chemistry when we met, or if there was it was only from my expectations of what I had allowed to build up in my mind over how well we seemed to connect and understand each other. I should have known when that suddenly stopped and she became aloof, that I shouldn’t have perused this any further, but I did because I thought I was punching a bit. 

 

Ok you made a far bigger deal over this whole thing than you should have if there was no chemistry as soon as you met in person. It honestly was probably nice of her not to just completely disappear on you after the meeting (which is something most would do).

[Alpacalia]

15 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

I can tend to do that. It’s not often, but if I feel like my expectations have been met as some sort a pre requisite, I can tend to dive in heart first and let my emotions get the better of me way too soon. I always get let down , usually by myself. Apart from that one girl who catfished me 😅

I guess there’s a part of me that’s just screaming out to feel loved , accepted and adored for who I am completely and also see that in them. When I think I find that in someone I can get carried away.

As for the general thinking pattern of my thread question and response to some others and you, Alpacalia - I spoke to my friend about this on video chat, as she asked about my date and how it went. She knows me very well.  Good timing I thought as I was actually writing a thread about it !  She knows a lot more details about all of this and her than is here. 
She noticed that it was okay for my date to point out a reason why she couldn’t date me, but when I agreed and gave my own reason in agreement of a mismatch , my date took offence to it and tried to accuse me of being manipulative and making her feel guilty. 
 

It was just a weird interaction to me. I feel we both misunderstood each other in the end. She probably did try to do it as sensitively as she could and maybe I did end up making it all about me. That’s the person that matters to me most tho. Myself. I need to look out for me. 
 

If you felt no chemistry, then it’s okay to accept that and move on.

It doesn’t make you wrong for having the expectations you had and it certainly doesn’t make you wrong for accepting the fact that it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

It seems your date might have felt guilty for not meeting your expectations or being the person you anticipated and was using the accusation of you making them feel guilty as a way of deflecting that feeling. I once dated someone for a few months and ended it when they insulted me by implying I was seeing other men. This caught me off guard, and despite the fact that they didn't understand my decision, he in turn told me he wanted to take things slowly. The distinction is that I still respected them enough to provide an explanation, whereas he later mentioned that I was too "bubbly."

I apologize if I misunderstood, but I want to clarify my point. It's uncertain why you chose to mention her aloofness and distance, which could have come across as an attack on her character. It's important to remember that everyone has their own way of showing affection and connecting with others. If you perceived her as distant, that's valid, but it's crucial to communicate this respectfully. Expressing your feelings was necessary, and recognizing that is important. However, keep in mind that people process things differently; she might not have realized how her words and actions came across. She could have felt guilty for not meeting your expectations but coped by shifting that feeling onto you and accusing you of making her feel guilty.

All in all, it seems like a misunderstanding between the two of you.

You don't need to explain or justify to anyone why things didn't work out. Prioritize self-kindness and understanding. When ending things, we often assume the other person understands the reasons, and while that might hold some truth, unintentionally pointing out faults can create tension or hurt. If it were me in your situation, I would just tell the person that it didn't feel right and leave it at that. As you can see, it gets a bit hairy when people start hinting or implying what the other person did wrong.

I guess its better that while you didn't feel like there may have been potential for something to happen between the two of you, the chemistry that you were expecting wasn’t there, and you didn't feel comfortable continuing on this path.

[Ami1uwant]

3 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

Yeah brudcrumbs maybe wasn’t the best , but man I’ve been involved the this forum since I was 22 and went through a terrible breakup. I’m 38 now and this is my adult profile. I’ve learned so much about the psychology and patterns of breakups and relationships. How people should handle themselves in some situations. I guess sometimes that can actually be to my detriment - as in calling out the “let’s be friends from afar” /breadcrumbs that people seem to give when rejecting someone. 
 

 

That old….this stuff I expect from an under 30 person.

 

I agree with others test this was a manipulation attempt to get concessions from you to make changes/ put her on a pedestal.  She got upset you basically turned it against her when you agreed and gave reasons you hadn’t mentioned before.

[MsJayne]

2 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

when I agreed and gave my own reason in agreement of a mismatch , my date took offence to it and tried to accuse me of being manipulative and making her feel guilty.

She thought you were going to be devastated, the idea that you were also noticing incompatibilities is too much for her, it messes with her belief that she's perfect. She also misjudged you and thought you weren't going to cope with rejection, so that probably got up her nose too, because she's a psych nurse and they're supposed to be able to read people. She's probably taking out her anger on patients as we speak. You've probably dodged Nurse Ratched. 

[basil67]

Paraphrased from Twister movie:

"You didn't keep your end of the bargain.  To spend your life pining for her and die miserable alone"

 

Edited August 21, 2023 by basil67

[Kassieee]

she was breaking things off with you and it seems like you turned it around and broke things off with her and she couldn't stand it. You took her moment away. 

[smackie9]

On 8/21/2023 at 8:38 AM, Fox Sake said:

Thank you and I guess I didn’t want to believe it was as simple as that ……I mean I know how the patterns go, but we always think our situations are different.  

 

Honestly,  it was the accusations of trying to flip things around and being told I was passive aggressive, that caught me off guard! I started to question my own self for a moment because what I thought I had done with grace, humility, honesty and transparency was being called as manipulation and twisting. So weird! 

That's called gaslighting. It's a tactic that a narcissistic person will use to manipulate and to confuse. 

[Alpacalia]

What I don't understand is, when she said after your first date that you weren't a match and you agreed that there was no chemistry, why she accused you of making her feel guilty? And did you feel the need to point out her mental health profession or that she was distant emotionally and physically for a reason? Or, maybe that followed her "psychoanalysis of you" and you felt the need to point it out.

I'm also curious her offer of friendship. If you felt no romantic connection on your end continued communication in any form would not have been perceived in a negative light. It would be like, okay, we're not a match, and we both go our separate ways.

Pointing to her distance and mentioning her mental health profession, it could seem like an attack on her character or an accusation that she wasn't emotionally available enough. Which, of course, is certainly a fair reason not to want to continue dating someone.

I'm not sure if what was commented earlier is accurate, that this woman that you went on one date with was going to end things and you preemptively called it off first would seem to me that would be done out of defensiveness.

That isn't to suggest that's what happened here but it's worth pointing out because it might provide some insight. Without more context, it's hard to determine what may have truly been going on. It's possible that she felt like instead of coming to her with open communication and being honest with your feelings, that you were trying to blame her for something that, if she was honest, she had already decided wasn't going to work out.

I guess only she knows why she felt so offended. Whatever the case, it sounds like both of you decided that it wasn't going to work out and it's best that you both move on.

[Fox Sake]

3 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

What I don't understand is, when she said after your first date that you weren't a match and you agreed that there was no chemistry, why she accused you of making her feel guilty? And did you feel the need to point out her mental health profession or that she was distant emotionally and physically for a reason? Or, maybe that followed her "psychoanalysis of you" and you felt the need to point it out.

I'm also curious her offer of friendship. If you felt no romantic connection on your end continued communication in any form would not have been perceived in a negative light. It would be like, okay, we're not a match, and we both go our separate ways.

Pointing to her distance and mentioning her mental health profession, it could seem like an attack on her character or an accusation that she wasn't emotionally available enough. Which, of course, is certainly a fair reason not to want to continue dating someone.

I'm not sure if what was commented earlier is accurate, that this woman that you went on one date with was going to end things and you preemptively called it off first would seem to me that would be done out of defensiveness.

That isn't to suggest that's what happened here but it's worth pointing out because it might provide some insight. Without more context, it's hard to determine what may have truly been going on. It's possible that she felt like instead of coming to her with open communication and being honest with your feelings, that you were trying to blame her for something that, if she was honest, she had already decided wasn't going to work out.

I guess only she knows why she felt so offended. Whatever the case, it sounds like both of you decided that it wasn't going to work out and it's best that you both move on.

This might shed some light on it all ;

 

It was a long weekend date after talking for a month. Started off very well and got progressively better, then suddenly it changed. I should have known better when the communication style changed completely over a week before meeting that this wasn’t right.

I decided to say my bit to her , partly because of below information and also because it empowered me and gave me self respect because I know what I deserve, and it’s better than that. Why can she loot out what’s wrong with me , but I’m not allowed to do the same? I still had no bad blood at that point and I wished her well. 
As a girl who can get anyone she wants , I’m not gonna let her think that every guy is gonna be her puppy and she can treat people as she wants -  there are consequences for people who respect themselves more, than how highly she thinks she’s of value. She was busy bragging to me at one point over the weekend about how she’s only ever been dumped once and that was when she was a teenager in high school. If she’s going to tell me why I’m not good enough, I will share the same information, because I did agree that it wasn’t gonna work and I meant my reasons why!   

I mentioned she was a mental health professional because I thought that would make her liable to have zero issues and maybe I was absolutely bat s*** crazy, but I look back now writing this, and even during our date weekend I remember her telling me “you’ve got strong autistic vibes. Do you think I do? or “do you wonder if you have borderline personality disorder?” Just weird things like that and start comparing me to patients when I would be showing her some things about my life that may be a little unbelievable to some without knowing “oh that reminds me of some of my patients , they think they know this person”. She also mentioned she has ADD, a serial dater, OCD some sort of conflict avoidance trauma,  which makes her a terrible communicator dealing with anything. 

Apparently the reason she got into being in that profession was because she particularly interested in personality disorders and took huge offence at some of my views on my last dating experience with someone dealing badly with it. Zero compassion towards what endured on the receiving end. I’m now starting to wonder if she actually has it herself …. It’s a very similar behaviour that left me feeling a very similar way 

 

there was a connection but she killed it at some point a few weeks before we met and then would offer just enough to keep me hooked. I think it was a fake front. I don’t know why she even came here. She gained nothing and it was awful dealing with the anxiety of knowing that this wasn’t a good idea in the run up cos I honestly felt like I was getting played by her actions but she kept telling me otherwise.

 

okay this girl has issues… 😅  I have over looked so many red flags on the way to this journey.m that’s the second time in 6 months I feel like I’ve been tricked into thinking there was a connection there! I’m so confused how this is even possible and has happened again. 

Edited August 22, 2023 by Fox Sake
Grammar and autocorrect

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

 I remember her telling me “you’ve got strong autistic vibes. Do you think I do? or “do you wonder if you have borderline personality disorder?” Just weird things like that. okay this girl has issues… 😅

That seems like an understatement. She's more like a walking museum of pathology.

[Fox Sake]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That seems like an understatement. She's more like a walking museum of pathology.

Yeah maybe … it wasn’t a pleasant experience but a very confusing one for me. . After writing all this and remember other things I overlooked but definitely caused alarm bells when I heard it - she expected me to delete all the female friends I have in my life if we ever got together. One of them is my oldest and best friend. Most of them are women. She also expected full access to her partners phone. All red flags. I never took this seriously because it was out of the question to me and seemed a bit crazy but I definitely overlooked information that was given to me. 

[Alpacalia]

59 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

she expected me to delete all the female friends I have in my life if we ever got together. One of them is my oldest and best friend. Most of them are women. She also expected full access to her partners phone. All red flags. I never took this seriously because it was out of the question to me and seemed a bit crazy but I definitely overlooked information that was given to me. 

Those are huge red flags. I read your prior comments to my last post and this combined, oh, yeah I see what you mean! Yes, I see now why it's important to be aware of the signs that people might be emotionally immature or more involved with their own agenda than with you. Almost like she wasn't looking to actually connect with you, but instead wanted to build her own confidence by making you feel bad about yourself.

Sorry that you had such a frustrating experience.

I'm glad you recognized the writing on the wall and that you didn't waste any of your valuable time.

Crossing my fingers that you find someone amazing!

[Fox Sake]

54 minutes ago, Ivy1990 said:

 

Hello @Fox Sake, here's my take fwiw.

Question:  How do you feel now after all that's happened?  Do you truly feel empowered?  Because the way I'm reading this, you don't seem to be empowered at all, if you did, this thread would not exist.  To the contrary, you appear to be angry and bitter which is the opposite of empowered.  Ranting about her and all her various "issues."  

Look, I'm no shrink but my best advice would be take the focus off her and all her issues and focus on you, becoming more centered within.

When you're centered within yourself, comments such as "you seem autistic"  or "borderline" roll right off, they won't have any impact on you at all. Let alone creating a thread about the person who said them.

True empowerment is quiet and silent not lashing back because you "deserve better."  That only makes YOU appear like the crazy one, in their eyes anyway.  

And yes in a way, also seems like you're guilt tripping them. 

Next time this happens, best to ignore the comments entirely and politely leave or exit the conversation, wish them well and walk away. 

Block, delete, done. 

 

I’ll tell you what you asked - 
 

I feel confused if that’s any use , the whole things was weird. None of it was a normal date or getting to know someone. 
 

 when I wrote a few posts ago - felt annoyed because I thought I had something different.  I felt silly because I overlooked a lot.
I do feel empowered - because of how I value myself and take rejection as me being one step closer to what is good for me. The right person wouldn’t make me feel the way she did. Full of gut wrenching anxiety and self questioning after telling me I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to them and how like me they are. It simply wasn’t true. 
 

I post here so I can reflect- the community is always honest and get to know you past the front we all have. I post here so other people might get something from it. I post here to get a second opinion on my own behaviour and others. Mainly tho-  to practice trying to stay self accountable, which I also find to be empowering. Im certainly not as centred in myself as i usually feel, but this is just part of the journey and there’s lessons in it for me to learn. Those are also empowering as I always want to be a better version of myself. So maybe you’re right.  Not centred. 
 

 I made a post about it because I’m confused why it happened , what just happened and how I fell for someone basically love bombing me, cos that’s how it started and I reciprocated.  I actually thought I had met my one with what she was saying at the start, but I think she was reflecting me. 
 

Maybe I am a little crazy, but that’s okay! I wanna find someone my crazy tho, not her crazy. With all due respect to her of course. She was a nice girl in spirit (she seemed an old soul) but this all left me shook.  

she’s blocked and deleted.that’s the first thing I did after that! 
Welcome to LS by the way and thank you! 

Edited August 22, 2023 by Fox Sake

[Weezy1973]

@Fox Sake It seems like your picker is off. This isn’t the first time you’ve fallen for someone who might might have serious issues. If you believe she’s a woman that could get anyone as you mentioned, perhaps you’re putting too much emphasis on a woman’s physical attributes and creating a story in your head which allows you to ignore the red flags as you’re feeling the “high” of extreme attraction. Do you think this is a pattern?

[Alvi]

9 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I'm also curious her offer of friendship. If you felt no romantic connection on your end continued communication in any form would not have been perceived in a negative light. It would be like, okay, we're not a match, and we both go our separate ways.

 Maybe she thought that they could be just platonic friends. I mean, if they have stuff in common and like same things. Not that the OP should ever go down that friendship road if he is not comfortable or if he feels that she is going to string him along. Not every date ends up in a relationship but you can make a friend or two along the journey. 

[Alvi]

3 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

 I made a post about it because I’m confused why it happened , what just happened and how I fell for someone basically love bombing me, cos that’s how it started and I reciprocated.  I actually thought I had met my one with what she was saying at the start, but I think she was reflecting me. 

Why didn't you meet her as soon as possible? I think that chatting for a while creates a whole bunch of unrealistic expectations of another person and it is such a bummer if a chemistry is not there.